I don't know what's happening

[blue_cosmos]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post but I've lurked here before. It's just that I feel like I'm going through the third breakup with the same guy and this is the most intense one because I'm feeling outright rejection.

 

The story is that this is my first relationship ever (I'm quite old for a first relationship... started when I was 28) and it was a relationship that started out long distance in which we carried on for 3.5 to 4 months. The reason we broke up was because we could not reconcile where the relationship was heading in terms of location... There were also a couple of other reasons but I consider this the driving reason for the breakup. Throughout our time together, we've never told each other whether we've loved each other .... but I do care for this guy a great deal, and he similarly did for me. Anyway, so I initiated the breakup, but after about one month of NC, I broke that with him and we considered getting back together again (but I said I did to do long distance). Unfortunately, he considered that even though he liked me very much, he, for personal reasons just cannot find the will to move back to my city anymore. He said he would "disappear properly" this time and I said goodbye to him in our last email exchanges. This was 3 months ago. Come Christmas time and I wanted to use this opportunity to re-establish contact with him (because he doesn't want to be friends).... so I sent him a very chatty but friendly email a couple of days back and I never received a response.

 

This lack of response has really broken my heart..... I'm under the impression that he may already have found a new gf (I stalked his online profile which is how I met him and he's not on it anymore), but I suspect that he may have blocked my email and possibly blocked my phone number too as a way to help him cope and move on. It's not clear whether or not he does have a new gf since all I have to go on are my paranoia and the fact he temporarily hid his online dating profile. But it kills me to know think how hard he's trying to not want anything to do with me.... either filtering out my emails so I have no way of reaching him... even to just re-establish contact. It's because I do not fit in his plan of how his life pans out and he's trying to move on.

 

I guess I don't really have a question for you guys... it's rather just voice how I'm hurting from not being able to contact him anymore and how I don't know where any of this is going. It actually gets to a point where I've regretted breaking up with him and wondered if I should've panned it out longer and given the relationship more chance. I've never lost anyone that I care about so abruptly before so I don't know what I should do.... I want to have him back in my life just in some way (as a friend even if I can't have him as a partner) but I can't... He won't let me. My heart breaks from not receiving an email reply to my Christmas wishes and just the general situation of him possibly having already moved on etc etc.

 

Breakups sure do suck bad.