I am emotionally obsessed with my ex

[Coffee20]

Help me please to get over the obsession.

I realized I don't really love my ex, I don't really miss him, but my brain is obsessed with him. This has never happened to me before, so this feeling is quite new this time.

This feeling occurred when he started to ignore me (it was like he wrote me then don't), I usually waited for him to write and had weird feeling in my stomach, prayed to write and believe he will want to see me. He knew it very well. Many times I saw him talking on fb walls with other girls and when I wrote him he simply didn't react and wrote me much later or didn't write me at all and I had to write him again. And because he was online and was talking to someone else, I knew he had been there.

This feeling I could call "anxiety", I was simply anxious. It was stronger when he ignored me and better when he didn't. In the beginning the breaks between texts and our meetings weren't so big so I could hold it. But then they started to get longer - one, two days, four days. I don't think I was demanding that much (no I really didn't send him 20 texts every day and call him million times, not at all!), but it was only and only me who managed all our meetings. When I asked why, answer was I don't know.

 

I tried to occupied my mind as much as possible. I really do, found new hobbies, met new people. I thought I would be ok by now, but I am not. The obsession is here and it takes away from me a lot of energy every day, I sometimes think this feeling will make a freak from me. If I am occupied I think about him only a little, but when I go to bed, I am able to think about him around 4 hours and in the morning it is the worst. Two more months and I will have to see him - I am really worried for this moment, what if I break down, what if I cry, in front of 150 people at school. It would be so stupid. It will kick me right back every time and I know it. Should I ignore him completely, like he doesn't exist?

 

I asked for an advice. The advice usually was to have sex with someone else, to date as much as I can - don't feel for it. And other advice to get new hobbies, met new people etc. - these things I did.

 

I am not sure what I do so wrong because this obsession and emotional masochism (I don't know how to call it), get stronger.

 

Should I start to take those anti depressant?? Does it really help with this feeling? Or should I have sex with someone else - I have never done this before. I sleep only with people who I love.

 

I sometimes feel so stupid here, I post here and there and seek for the answers. I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL, YOU ARE SO KIND!

[Jason02]

Hi Coffee20. Sorry to hear your going through this. I am somewhat the same. I know my relationship with my ex will never work as she does not really seem to want to try. I really don't miss her too, but i am obessed with what we had before. every cool new interesting thing i see i want to do, like to to city events, concerts, experiences, i always think of wanting to do it with her. I know she doesn't think the same, but i am obessed with sharing it with her.

 

I've done everything people have suggested too except the sleeping and dating people. I still don't think i am ready for that. I only really want to sleep with people i care and love for.

 

I've taken up new hobbies and met new people too, and it has helped a bit. Although I am extremely tired. I have to keep myself busy ALL the time so i don't think about it. I hope one day i can finally go back to just being able to stay home one day and just watch tv without thinking about my ex.

 

I haven't taken anti-depressants because i feel unless i plan on taking them for the rest of my life, whats the point. they'll only make me feel better for the temporary. but others may be different. have you considered getting professional help? a therapist perhaps. I haven't, but i have heard from family who have gone through divorce that it really helps.

 

These forums are pretty good to let things out, but sometimes you need to speak to a live person.

 

I hope the best for you. don't let this take over your life. learn to accept it, to grieve for the loss, but to give it it's boundaries.

[broken-and-lost]

I'm having the same problem posted something similar about it earlier i can't stop myself dreaming about her or just processing the same info over and over again it's a difficult one really, talking to a professional can help for a while meds well that's a personal choice and better people on here who have tried them are probably the one's to ask.

 

i think you get stuck in a pattern and your brain just refuses to move forward it's finding someway to break that. Everyone i've ever spoken to says you will just reach a point and something will click inside you but 1,5 years down the line that still hasn't happened for myself hopefully it will for you soon.

 

Sorry that's not much help but the answer really is within yourself at the end of the day you just have to find it .

[Sugarkane]

I also feel the same. The therapist offered no suggestions on this. What did I pay her for? I feel if I had met someone far better I would've gotten over my ex faster. Instead of meeting even more Aholes.

[Coffee20]

Hi Coffee20. Sorry to hear your going through this. I am somewhat the same. I know my relationship with my ex will never work as she does not really seem to want to try. I really don't miss her too, but i am obessed with what we had before. every cool new interesting thing i see i want to do, like to to city events, concerts, experiences, i always think of wanting to do it with her. I know she doesn't think the same, but i am obessed with sharing it with her.

 

Yes I have it exactly the same, I know he doesn't share the same feeling with me. I even know that he would have never wanted to do these things with me because he always denied everything I wanted to do with him.

 

But everytime I do something exciting or new I imagine how it could be if....

 

Thank you for your answer, I wish you really well, hope we will get through this

[Coffee20]

I'm having the same problem posted something similar about it earlier i can't stop myself dreaming about her or just processing the same info over and over again it's a difficult one really, talking to a professional can help for a while meds well that's a personal choice and better people on here who have tried them are probably the one's to ask.

 

i think you get stuck in a pattern and your brain just refuses to move forward it's finding someway to break that. Everyone i've ever spoken to says you will just reach a point and something will click inside you but 1,5 years down the line that still hasn't happened for myself hopefully it will for you soon.

 

Sorry that's not much help but the answer really is within yourself at the end of the day you just have to find it .

 

thank you a lot for your answer, at least I know I am not alone in this .

[CopingGal]

Hi Coffee,

 

Here are some ideas:

 

1-Delete facebook

 

2-Get rid of everything your boyfriend ever gave you and all of his pictures. Donate things, throw things away, or just give them to a friend until you feel better.

 

3-Stay away from dating. Stay away from other men until you heal.

 

4-Do some deep breathing exercises to calm you down. Research them or I can help you with that.

 

5-Exercise

 

6-Journal

 

 

7-Meet Harley. Harley is a great looking guy who is very, very nice. He has all the physical features you like in a man. He's smart, compassionate, and unattached. He has the color eyes you like, the color hair you like and a gorgeous smile.

 

When you think of your boyfriend, take him out of the day dream and put Harley in there. Go on dates with him, have sex with him, whatever you want to do in your mind.

 

8-Consider getting a shelter animal and snuggling with that.

[Jason02]

Just remember that too. You are not alone in this. You have your friends, family, and even the people here who can help you through this. If you ever feel like you need to talk to people, from what i can tell just about everyone on this forum is very supportive. Sometimes they tell you the things you don't want to hear, but its the truth and when you can live without lying to yourslef can you really be happy with yourself.

[Coffee20]

Hi Coffee,

 

Here are some ideas:

 

1-Delete facebook

 

2-Get rid of everything your boyfriend ever gave you and all of his pictures. Donate things, throw things away, or just give them to a friend until you feel better.

 

3-Stay away from dating. Stay away from other men until you heal.

 

4-Do some deep breathing exercises to calm you down. Research them or I can help you with that.

 

5-Exercise

 

6-Journal

 

 

7-Meet Harley. Harley is a great looking guy who is very, very nice. He has all the physical features you like in a man. He's smart, compassionate, and unattached. He has the color eyes you like, the color hair you like and a gorgeous smile.

 

When you think of your boyfriend, take him out of the day dream and put Harley in there. Go on dates with him, have sex with him, whatever you want to do in your mind.

 

8-Consider getting a shelter animal and snuggling with that.

 

thank you so much ! I will try to do the thing with Harley and point number 4, are there any tips which work for you on some website? .

ohh I forgot to tell I am going to have a kitty soon

[SerCay]

Help me please to get over the obsession.

I realized I don't really love my ex, I don't really miss him, but my brain is obsessed with him. This has never happened to me before, so this feeling is quite new this time.

This feeling occurred when he started to ignore me (it was like he wrote me then don't), I usually waited for him to write and had weird feeling in my stomach, prayed to write and believe he will want to see me. He knew it very well. Many times I saw him talking on fb walls with other girls and when I wrote him he simply didn't react and wrote me much later or didn't write me at all and I had to write him again. And because he was online and was talking to someone else, I knew he had been there.

This feeling I could call "anxiety", I was simply anxious. It was stronger when he ignored me and better when he didn't. In the beginning the breaks between texts and our meetings weren't so big so I could hold it. But then they started to get longer - one, two days, four days. I don't think I was demanding that much (no I really didn't send him 20 texts every day and call him million times, not at all!), but it was only and only me who managed all our meetings. When I asked why, answer was I don't know.

 

I tried to occupied my mind as much as possible. I really do, found new hobbies, met new people. I thought I would be ok by now, but I am not. The obsession is here and it takes away from me a lot of energy every day, I sometimes think this feeling will make a freak from me. If I am occupied I think about him only a little, but when I go to bed, I am able to think about him around 4 hours and in the morning it is the worst. Two more months and I will have to see him - I am really worried for this moment, what if I break down, what if I cry, in front of 150 people at school. It would be so stupid. It will kick me right back every time and I know it. Should I ignore him completely, like he doesn't exist?

 

I asked for an advice. The advice usually was to have sex with someone else, to date as much as I can - don't feel for it. And other advice to get new hobbies, met new people etc. - these things I did.

 

I am not sure what I do so wrong because this obsession and emotional masochism (I don't know how to call it), get stronger.

 

Should I start to take those anti depressant?? Does it really help with this feeling? Or should I have sex with someone else - I have never done this before. I sleep only with people who I love.

 

I sometimes feel so stupid here, I post here and there and seek for the answers. I WANT TO THANK YOU ALL, YOU ARE SO KIND!

 

Hi Coffee,

 

You are not alone at all. I know exactly how you feel. This feeling started at the moment I met my ex, even though we weren't in a relation then. It lasted until we got together, and during the relationship, and is still lasting now even though we broke up.

 

I think we get obsessed with people who we have never truly have had the chance to ''control''. May sound weird but I've always had the feeling during those 4 years I've known him that the most important thing in my ex's life was himself, and he would never settle for less even though he loved me a lot. I think it's selflove and acting indifferent that makes people obsessed.

 

Also, obsessions are hard to talk about with friends and other people because you feel as if you are weird and everybody just keeps saying ''why don't you just move on'' and stuff like that.

 

For me, I was obsessed (and no lie, still am) because I have always believed that I will never meet anyone as compatible with me as my ex. I guess until I meet that person in my mind, I will still be obsessed a tiny bit.

 

Don't feel bad about yourself, and most important don't FORCE yourself NOT to think of it. Because we all know, when you force, the opposite happens.

Recognize your obsession and accept and embrace it. Then help yourself eliminating it more and more, piece by piece. Rome wasn't built in one day, you're only human.

 

Also I must say, however everyone denies it, obsession comes together with even the slightest bit of hope in our minds..

Edited July 18, 2012 by SerCay

[CopingGal]

Oh, lovely. That is great! Congrats on the kitty. Sounds like a step in the right direction.

 

Most of the advice I have gotten is through books. There is an awesome book that I talked about before. She talks about what a real man is and all kinds of stuff. It is wonderful. It's really, honestly, a book that can help any woman, although it's written for Black woman. I would recommend this book to any woman. It's so great. The book is the one that encouraged me to make my life really great, which I'm trying to do.

 

These are from the notes I took on the book

 

"A real man is sensitive, caring, gentle, thoughtful, respectful, not necessarily in that order and not necessarily all the time, but he tries. He will celebrate your birthday, anniversary. He calls when he is going to be late. He helps his woman with housework. He does NOT care if his friends see him cooking or doing housework...He does not forsake his woman for his male friend and does not hide his woman from his female friends...He is not afraid to say no or hear no. He is not afraid to apologize....He seldom lies but even when he does, the people he loves do not get hurt..." (Notes from Loving Me p. 69).

 

I love that part I bolded. She sees a real man as real and not a fantasy. She knows that men screw up...we all do. She's not saying a real man NEVER lies, because everyone lies at some point in their life.

 

She also says "He has a conscience...he knows the power of the truth. He appreciates hugs and kisses without always going further." (Notes from Loving Me, p. 69).

 

The book is fantastic. She says "Stop stepping over Clark Kent to get to Superman." (Notes from Loving Me). She also wants women to concentrating on making a life for themselves, without a man. She wants us to make our lives special for us. If a man comes along, great, but we don't need a man to make our lives special.

 

Book:

Loving Me: A Sisterfriend's Guide to Being Single and Happy

 

Author:

Claudette Sims

 

 

Regarding the deep breathing, I learned it in a stress management class. Let me know if you need help with that.

[Coffee20]

Hi Coffee,

 

You are not alone at all. I know exactly how you feel. This feeling started at the moment I met my ex, even though we weren't in a relation then. It lasted until we got together, and during the relationship, and is still lasting now even though we broke up.

 

I think we get obsessed with people who we have never truly have had the chance to ''control''. May sound weird but I've always had the feeling during those 4 years I've known him that the most important thing in my ex's life was himself, and he would never settle for less even though he loved me a lot. I think it's selflove and acting indifferent that makes people obsessed.

 

I had the same feeling, the most important thing was for my ex him and then his money . I really don't know how important part I was playing.

Thank you a lot for your answer!

[Coffee20]

Oh, lovely. That is great! Congrats on the kitty. Sounds like a step in the right direction.

 

Most of the advice I have gotten is through books. There is an awesome book that I talked about before. She talks about what a real man is and all kinds of stuff. It is wonderful. It's really, honestly, a book that can help any woman, although it's written for Black woman. I would recommend this book to any woman. It's so great. The book is the one that encouraged me to make my life really great, which I'm trying to do.

 

These are from the notes I took on the book

 

"A real man is sensitive, caring, gentle, thoughtful, respectful, not necessarily in that order and not necessarily all the time, but he tries. He will celebrate your birthday, anniversary. He calls when he is going to be late. He helps his woman with housework. He does NOT care if his friends see him cooking or doing housework...He does not forsake his woman for his male friend and does not hide his woman from his female friends...He is not afraid to say no or hear no. He is not afraid to apologize....He seldom lies but even when he does, the people he loves do not get hurt..." (Notes from Loving Me p. 69).

 

I love that part I bolded. She sees a real man as real and not a fantasy. She knows that men screw up...we all do. She's not saying a real man NEVER lies, because everyone lies at some point in their life.

 

She also says "He has a conscience...he knows the power of the truth. He appreciates hugs and kisses without always going further." (Notes from Loving Me, p. 69).

 

The book is fantastic. She says "Stop stepping over Clark Kent to get to Superman." (Notes from Loving Me). She also wants women to concentrating on making a life for themselves, without a man. She wants us to make our lives special for us. If a man comes along, great, but we don't need a man to make our lives special.

 

Book:

Loving Me: A Sisterfriend's Guide to Being Single and Happy

 

Author:

Claudette Sims

 

 

Regarding the deep breathing, I learned it in a stress management class. Let me know if you need help with that.

 

thanks for a book suggestion, I have checked and it's not even expensive, only pity that it's not available in my country, so I will have to order it from different country.

 

If a man comes along, great, but we don't need a man to make our lives special. - I would like to come to this on day

 

I will PM you about those breathing techniques.

[Mariana345]

I also feel the same. The therapist offered no suggestions on this. What did I pay her for? I feel if I had met someone far better I would've gotten over my ex faster. Instead of meeting even more Aholes.

 

I had this problems with my first therapist, he was just listening, asking and just... nothing else!! I didn't like it, so I change him... And found this great therapist who listen but also give me suggestions, advice and she comforted me... Just great!! I almost wait every week to the time I have my appointment XD

 

She actually gave me great advices... I'm improving, she made me read Think Well, Feel Well by Walter Riso, he has great books (although just found it in spanish...) He also has this book (but I don't know if its in english) "Manual para no morir de amor" that may be translated as "Not to die for love Manual" and is an eye opener

[peacrow]

7-Meet Harley. Harley is a great looking guy who is very, very nice. He has all the physical features you like in a man. He's smart, compassionate, and unattached. He has the color eyes you like, the color hair you like and a gorgeous smile.

 

When you think of your boyfriend, take him out of the day dream and put Harley in there. Go on dates with him, have sex with him, whatever you want to do in your mind.

Hahaha, this is totally awesome. I am actually dating someone (I've known for a long time and really like) but my ex is really still constantly in my thoughts. I think a lot about things we did together. I might start replacing the ex with the new guy in these memories; I bet they would have gone down a lot differently with someone who actually likes and respects me! Thanks.

[CopingGal]

:) You are welcome.

[broken77]

I have the exact same feelings you do, but towards a woman. It controls my life ruins it. Are you in the states?

[Coffee20]

I have the exact same feelings you do, but towards a woman. It controls my life ruins it. Are you in the states?

 

no no I am not from the states. Today it is again worse. It's also because I fell a big guilt over my mum's condition. He infected me with illness then I got the illness and then my mother got it but this virus caused a cancer in her. I feel also anger because we both knew it since February and he had never asked me how she was doing. I just think I want to make him feel some kind of responsibility, but ok I know it's stupid to want it. But I feel really guilty and it's like I am lost.