Together 4.5 years, new gf already, has he really moved on?

[x_Beth_x]

My ex is 24 and I'm 21. We were together for 4.5 years. I've been with him since I was 17 and although I've been at uni for the past 3 years, we've always had a strong relationship. We spoke almost every day for 4.5 years and been best friends and well as in love. During the last year, he kept lying to me because he was scared of losing me/didn't want to hurt me. During the last two months of our relationship we argued a lot while I was at uni. However, he still loved me more than ever, always saying he wanted to marry me and I was everything to him, would never not want to be with me etc. When I found out he had been lying to my face for months about constantly texting one of his girl mates (who he said he never spoke to), I was so devastated and felt so betrayed that I ended it over the phone while I was at uni. Although he hadn't cheated, and the girl confirmed it saying that he had just been talking about the problems in our relationship and he was scared of losing me, I said I can't see a future with a liar. He sent texts saying he needs me, can't lose me etc.

When I came back from uni for Easter, he didn't try to see me at all during the 3 weeks. He started saying he can't live with himself for hurting me and is depressed and doesn't know what he wants. For 2 weeks this went on and I was so upset. He's always been crazy about me, for nearly 5 years, he's the one who hurt me so how could he not want me? Eventually I went round to see him and we both ended up crying, had sex, and then he took me to lunch. He held my hand and acted like we were still together. He told me he loved me but still said he's confused and doesn't know what he wants. When I went back to uni, he didn't text or phone me unless I made the first move. After a week he confessed that a couple of days after I left, after we had met him, he had met a girl in a coffee shop and she had kissed him. He said he felt bad but he was single so why shouldn't he. I was upset, but was understanding. After all, I had ended it and he had been honest with me. He said he felt nothing but the girl was nice. But then a week or so later he said he'd kissed her a couple more times.

When I came home from uni again he text back saying he doesn't know what he wants and can't hurt me anymore. Then after not contacting him for a few days, I asked if I could come round one last time on Tuesday. He agreed. Then on Monday I saw him in town holding hands with a girl (fat and unattractive, although that's not really important). I was so upset. But when I went round the next morning he told me she's not his gf, he's not really seeing her, doesn't find her attractive but does like her. He kissed me and held me and we slept together. He admitted I'm still everything to him and that he still loves and misses me and the girl knows that. I asked him to stop seeing her as it wasn't fair on her or him to be involved when he still has feelings for me and things to sort out. I said maybe we couldn't be in a relationship right now, but could have time on our own to sort things out. He said he couldn't stop seeing her cos he didn't want to hurt her. I got really upset, crying, and eventually I convinced him to just be friends with her. He promised. The next day I went back to uni and he text me for a couple of days before it petered out and it was me doing the calling and texting. We chatted about normal stuff on the phone a few times and he told me he loved me before saying goodye.

When I hadn't heard from him for a few days I called his house phone and he said he'd lost his phone. He said he hadn't seen the girl he was "sort of" seeing. So I left it a week before calling him again. When I did he said he had his phone back, yet he hadn't contacted me. He asked me what I was doing and what I had been doing. He said he'd been seeing a lot of this girl. He said he's starting to become attracted to her. I don't know if he was trying to make me jealous. When he said he needed to pick up the other extension cos the battery was running out he said "don't hang up ok, don't hang up". When he thought I'd changed my number he got angry. When I asked if he missed me he said "a bit". When I asked if I could see him when I came home he said he's doesn't know if it's a good idea. He said "I won't cheat on her". I got really upset, said our relationship meant nothing to him, goodbye forever and hung up. I decided to move all the pictures of him from my laptop and phone. But when I got to the texts I couldn't delete them, and I tried to ring him again. He wouldn't answer and told me just to text him as "it's easier". He asked me why I had hung up and seemed upset by it. I replied saying I was sorry I had hung up but I was hurt. I said we both still love each other and I accept he's with her, and I wanted to say goodbye in person after all we've been through. I said please. He never replied.

I came back from uni but didn't contact him because the coldness of his last texts upset me and I knew he might not answer his mobile. I couldn't ring his house phone as his parents work at schools and were home all week for half term. After a week, my friend text me saying she had seen his facebook and he's in a relationship with this girl, and it seems like they're together all the time. I'm in shock. He loved me so much, we slept together 3 weeks ago. He wanted to marry me. It makes no sense at all. We were together nearly 5 years and after 5 weeks he's in a new relationship and hasn't contacted me. I feel totally replaced, but then I think if he's depressed and this is the only way to get over me maybe it's just rebound? He always said he couldn't live without me, we've been so close for years. I know he can't mean this. He's the one who hurt me, he should still want to be with me if he loved me that much. It makes no sense. I think about him with her all the time and can't believe he's done this. I feel so unappreciated and like I meant nothing to him. I gave so much. He may still love me and just is dealing with it the wrong way. I've thought about writing a letter and seeing him one last time to make him realise he's made a mistake and to make him see I'm ok and moving on but I'm not sure if I should. Do you think he really can be over me already? Or is this girl just convenient? Bear in mind he's depressed.

 

Sorry this is so long. Thanks so much for anyone who takes the time to answer.

[d'Arthez]

He may not be over you, but this relationship is definitely over. Nothing good will come of it, if he decides he wants you. Why?

 

1. The lying.

2. The repeated meeting of other girls, sometimes when you are in a relationship, sometimes immediately after taking a break. He has serious attachment issues.

3. You have no idea if he has been screwing around or not. Good luck rebuilding trust on that.

4. He says he does not know what he wants. If a man says something like that, for the love of pizza, believe him.

 

Move on. There is someone more suitable for you out there.

[Boulware58]

Very, very scary that I just posted a story like this a minute ago, freakingly similiar, only I know for a fact she's sleeping with another dude only a week after, and wants to tell me it's because of me, yet at the same time she loves me too much and everyone she talks to always hears about me.

 

I, too, wanted to write a letter when I move in a few weeks, tell her everything that could've happened between us. Let me tell you this, after bringing it up to others, and truly thinking about it, it is probably better that he doesn't talk to you ever again, and it is better that letter never gets written. What good will come from it? Either he reads it, crawls back to you, you be okay with it, and 6 months from now some other girl is going to fancy him, OR he reads it, gets depressed from it but you will never know that it hurts him, because you never talk to him again, therefore stooping to his level and being the selfish one in the situation. I hope everything bad happens to my ex and she cries over me for years, why do I hope that? I don't know, I can't let myself see her a year from now and take her back, and risk everything falling back into place.

 

I think what hurts the most is seeing her hook up so fast, and have this great meaningless sex with some dude, while I work my butt off to get what I have, as she has my balls, spine, and self-esteem in a jar tucked away under the bed that I thought only I would lay in.

 

It's better to let go, and hope that they've moved on and leave you be so that you're not holding on to hope like I have been, just to hear worse news each time you talk.

 

This is my exact fear, I have no self-esteem anymore, that if she does come around, i'll put the whole situation in the back of my head, and succumb to her lust because I don't feel like anybody else would show me the same gratitude.

 

The longer you go with no contact the easier it will be, be grateful he is leaving you alone, because the longer you don't hear from him, the easier it is to not think about him and someone else together all the time. I've been doing it daily for a week. Wondering if they're hooking up in the bed that I made, while i'm working midnights.