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Coping after emotional abuse


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 16th May 2012, 10:01 PM   #1
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Coping after emotional abuse

I was with my Ex for a year and a half. We were best friends and were building a life together based on dreams and goals we both seemed to want with each other. He said it was like I was made to be his wife and mother of his children and that it was fate that brought us together. He made me feel for the first time that I was loved unconditionally and we were so happy. After about a year, we picked out (which he bought) a house with our future family in mind, and moved in together. We were so close to having it all. Out of nowhere he told me he wasn't in love with me and that he never was. He said and did very cruel things to me for a period of three months before breaking up with me for good. I held on because I was in shock and in denial because I thought he was scared of marriage and that there was no way he wasn't in love with me. It has now been 7months after the breakup and 5 months NC. The emotional abuse and coming to terms that he must have never been in love with me or even valued me as a person has destroyed me. I can't move on and feel like he stole my self-worth from me. Has anyone ever experienced this and how do you rebuild what was broken in you?
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Old 16th May 2012, 11:55 PM   #2
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Has anyone ever experienced this and how do you rebuild what was broken in you?
I experienced a more minor version of what you described. To rebuild, you focus on the idea that you did not deserve what happened to you. Also, take solace in the notion that there are men who have experienced similar situations and that, because of that experience, they are probably less likely to do such things to you in the future.
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Old 17th May 2012, 2:25 AM   #3
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The emotional abuse and coming to terms that he must have never been in love with me or even valued me as a person has destroyed me. I can't move on and feel like he stole my self-worth from me. Has anyone ever experienced this and how do you rebuild what was broken in you?

Oh my gosh, yes. I was totally abused psychologically and eveybody in this coping forum knows it. My rants are all over this forum. I dated a sick and twisted bastard who was beyond cruel to me. I'm dealing. It's been an uphill battle.

My latest entry is here:

Post here instead of contacting your ex!

Feel better.
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A person's good looks and charm cannot take the place of kindness, respect, honesty, and decency. Date someone for the right reasons. Don't excuse ongoing disrespect. Use your head when you date.
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Old 17th May 2012, 9:25 AM   #4
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I was treated very badly by someone I fell head over heels in love with and never really got over it. There was a period in time that he and his friends chose to attack me online and then he proceeded to rip my heart out and stomp on it. Thing is, he was justified in being angry with how I handled things when I first met him and I apologized to him from the heart, but he never talked to me "directly" about it. He instead, took it upon himself to make a game out of my life and he and his friends put me through the ringer. That was a long time ago and we seemed to work past that period and time, but I could never really let what happened go. He never came clean with me and never apologized for handling things that way. It really hurt and has left quite a scar. If only he was honest with me and talked to me, I could have gotten past the whole thing. He didn't though. He thought it could be shoved under the rug and everything would be all hunky dory. It wasn't. The fact that we never talked about it and he never apologized either, made it extremely difficult for me to just relax and be comfortable with him. And as a result, I became extremely hyper sensitive and would shut him out. How could I be open and comfortable with an elephant like that sitting in the room? I couldn't. It caused me to tip toe around the issue and it impeded my ability to communicate with him in an open honest comfortable way. Eventually, after many MANY tries to just be relaxed and comfortable I finally gave up. I gave up because I realized he would never have the courage (he was too chicken) to just come clean, so we could put it behind us and be authentic friends. The fact that he didn't have enough faith that I would actually listen to him and forgive him for what he did really hurt. To me, that meant he didn't truly care or view me as a "real" friend. Since those thoughts were constantly in the back of my mind, I couldn't get past it, so I ended the friendship once and for all.

I've come to realize that its just him and how he operates and the choice is mine whether or not I want to deal with it. I couldn't deal with it so I made the choice to leave. My point is, and I'm sorry for going off on a tangent, is that you have to realize that is just how that person is and it has nothing to do with you what so ever. You can't change them either...it's completely up to them. If you can put it in that perspective, it will be easier to heal and move on. Use the scar he or she left as a reminder of what NOT to do in the future. It was a harsh lesson, but you can grow in spite of it.

I hope this helps a little.

Last edited by chelsea2011; 17th May 2012 at 9:29 AM..
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Old 17th May 2012, 10:13 PM   #5
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That is very correct. The therapist told me not to take my ex's behavior seriously. I still do because it is hard not to. But I know that my ex is a sick and twisted man. He is a man who for some reason has no remorse for the things he does. He is an extremely selfish and unstable man who will most likely end up homeless again because he is bad with money. My ex is incapable of being in a good, honest, relationship. I paid for it because he treated me horribly. But I can move on from this. He can't. He will always be this way. It's up to him to live his life as best he can with his illnesses and his profound childishness.

I have the ability to move on from that. In time, I will put this behind me. I learned what it's like to be in a relationship with a man who has sociopathic tendencies and factors of narcissitic personality disorder. I've learned. I learned what I don't want and what I will NEVER accept again.
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Old 18th May 2012, 12:45 AM   #6
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Ca8518, man oh man, please ignore that loooong diatribe I posted earlier. I found out something new today and have come to realize that everything I posted is completely moot.

I do still stand by my last paragraph though. In order to move past the abuse, you must realize that his issus are his 100% and have nothing to do with you what so ever. He has a dysfunction that you can't change and it's good that you have an opportunity to move on and make a better life for yourself.
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Old 18th May 2012, 6:10 PM   #7
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Thank you both so much. It helps knowing there is some support out there! And you are right that it is a uphill battle but that his issues are 100% his. I think I will start journaling to remind myself of that and to put what happened to our relationship into perspective. The man I loved no longer exists and I sure as hell don't want or need the one around now. Good luck to you both!
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Old 19th May 2012, 2:20 PM   #8
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The therapist told me not to take my ex's behavior seriously.
That is a mistake. I meant to type:

The therapist told me not to take my ex's behavior PERSONALLY.
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Old 19th May 2012, 2:26 PM   #9
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In order to move past the abuse, you must realize that his issus are his 100% and have nothing to do with you what so ever.

But wait....yes, these are his issues 100%, but you still must examine your behavior.

Everyone who has been abused in any way by a bf or gf must ask themselves what part did they play in the dysfunctional relationship. Particularly:


-When did I begin to feel abused?

-Why did I stay in the relationship as long as I did?

-What is it about me that allowed me to accept this behavior?

-Did I make excuses for the person over and over again? If so, why did I do that?

-What do I need to work on so that I will never accept this behavior again?
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Old 19th May 2012, 2:35 PM   #10
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I will answer for myself

-When did I begin to feel abused?

I began to feel psychologically abused in 2008.


-Why did I stay in the relationship as long as I did?

I wasn't sure if I was being abuse. I only suspected it. However that should have been enough for me to leave. I kept holding on, hoping that things would change...hoping that couple's therapy would change him. Hoping that if his life got less complicated, he would be a better boyfriend.


-What is it about me that allowed me to accept this behavior?

I kept telling myself that since I am naturally suspicious and very sensitive, I have to cut him some slack. Since I had bad experiences with bfs in the past, I did not want my baggage to be a part of this relationship. I told myself to understand him...understand him...understand him....give him a break....be good to him, etc.


-Did I make excuses for the person over and over again? If so, why did I do that?

Yes I did. I knew his life was complicated and he had little money. I thought that is why I barely saw him. Because of his lies I never knew he was thinking up excuses not to see me.

When it became apparent to me that he was telling me so many lies I still stayed. I thought the couple's therapist would help. So I stayed. I didn't find out until later that he was lying in therapy.


-What do I need to work on so that I will never accept this behavior again?

To trust myself. I had STRONG instincts that I should leave him. I ignored them every time until I finally left him. He made me cry so many, many times. He made me depressed. No one should make me feel like that. I waited for years for him to have a good schedule. I should never have waited. Deep down I knew that if he really wanted to be with me, he would have done things differently...at the very least, written me snail mail letters to stay connected with me.

Bottom line....I need to treat myself better.

Last edited by CopingGal; 19th May 2012 at 2:38 PM..
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Old 20th May 2012, 12:50 AM   #11
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My ex wasn't my best friend he gained my trust I trusted him like I friend and I only trust a certain amount of people and several months into the relationship he EA me it was god awful and now I am having difficulty ever,ever trusting people or dating again. I know my wounds will heal one day and one day hopefully I can trust people again and one day those wounds will finally heal for you too.
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Old 20th May 2012, 3:25 AM   #12
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My ex wasn't my best friend he gained my trust I trusted him like I friend and I only trust a certain amount of people and several months into the relationship he EA me it was god awful and now I am having difficulty ever,ever trusting people or dating again. I know my wounds will heal one day and one day hopefully I can trust people again and one day those wounds will finally heal for you too.
I told my ex I wouldn't be able to trust again, and he brushed off what I said like it was no big deal and said I would trust again. But he said it in a way as if he was ignoring my pain, which makes since because he is not capable of feeling remorse.

Screw him.
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Old 20th May 2012, 4:25 AM   #13
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My ex dud the same to me.it says more about them, than you. Your ex probably does this all the time.
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Old 20th May 2012, 8:54 AM   #14
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But wait....yes, these are his issues 100%, but you still must examine your behavior.

Everyone who has been abused in any way by a bf or gf must ask themselves what part did they play in the dysfunctional relationship. Particularly:


-When did I begin to feel abused?

-Why did I stay in the relationship as long as I did?

-What is it about me that allowed me to accept this behavior?

-Did I make excuses for the person over and over again? If so, why did I do that?

-What do I need to work on so that I will never accept this behavior again?
CopingGal- you are so right about asking those questions. I added them to my journal and will go over them with my counselor (yes, I have been seeing one for months!) Doing things like that is the only way I see myself moving forward. And maybe for all of us, if we make what we went through part of us and grow from it instead of trying to avoid it, we will one day heal enough to try loving and trusting again.

My ex said that what he did to me was a bump in "my" road and that I am strong and will be fine. Some bump.

All I said was whatever helps you sleep at night. Selfish people.
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Old 20th May 2012, 9:08 AM   #15
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But wait....yes, these are his issues 100%, but you still must examine your behavior.

Everyone who has been abused in any way by a bf or gf must ask themselves what part did they play in the dysfunctional relationship. Particularly:


-When did I begin to feel abused?

-Why did I stay in the relationship as long as I did?

-What is it about me that allowed me to accept this behavior?

-Did I make excuses for the person over and over again? If so, why did I do that?

-What do I need to work on so that I will never accept this behavior again?
When I feel stronger I will also be looking at these. I definitely put up more than my fair share of bull**** for my ex.

xx
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