HappyFlower Posted September 23, 2011 Share Posted September 23, 2011 (edited) So its been 20 days since BU (with very LC) and 5 total NC I've had the odd moment where I've desperatly wanted to tell him SOMETHING ELSE, anything really. I even wrote a FB message (tho I deleted him the day he left), but didn't send it. We didn't end badly, it was more his life-changing cirumstances and my recent lack of trust issue. I know it was the right thing to do - I can take a step back, outside what was a very intense relationship and see it from an unclouded perspective. See what was right and what was wrong - with me, with him, and with us. But the really weird thing is, I'm not worrying or being paranoid about who he's with, or what he's doing - I've always thought if he left me I'd go into some horiffic depressive state and "just die" etc. because he was my world. I imagined when this all happened that I'd be not eating or sleeping, plotting to get him back, putting deadlines on how long to go NC etc. I'm not. I just seem to think he's not in my life right now, but that doesn't mean he won't be...perhaps in 6 weeks, or 10 years, who knows. Its not a desperate hope, I don't feel like I *must* get him back, even though I miss him very much. Its more like an acceptance, that this is making me a stronger person, I am ok without him. I'm seeing friends, I'm talking to guys (tho I'm certainly not ready to date)...and at some point in my life our paths will cross again. And that makes me just a little bit less sad. I don't know if this will help anyone, or if its even a normal reaction (maybe its denial lol), but I thought I'd put it out there. NC really sucks, but its worth it - you will find your courage Maybe its a fleeting thought and in a day or so I'll be back to thinking the world is ending. But its nice, for the meantime, to not feel quite so bad. Edited September 23, 2011 by HappyFlower Link to post Share on other sites
Author HappyFlower Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 (edited) I like reading people's coping logs...maybe I will keep this as mine. I find myself today wanting to break NC so bad, to ask him if he was attracted to the strange woman he arranged to go for coffee with 'as a friend' while he was still with me. Or even to see if he's seeing her now. I know I don't really want to know the answer. I don't think he is...I'm about 90% certain he's not. But the last time, I was 99% certain he'd never slept with his best friend because he told me no when I'd asked once before. He lied, and I was wrong to believe him. I have to keep that in mind. When he left I deleted him from everything - email addresses, FB, phone, the lot. I kept his number on a piece of paper shoved at the back of a drawer under the bad, but the first 2 weeks I still dug it out every couple of days and typed it in to send the strangest of messages. Nothing begging, nothing angry, just 'stuff' that I didn't really need to say. I'm 6 days into NC (3 weeks exactly into BU) and today I put the number back into my phone. Why? Because I know, sometime soon, I am going to cave in, dig the number out and type it in - and it will undo this past week's work and make me feel rubbish. So instead I have save his number as "YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED" as the name. It shows in my text log, my call log, the lot. He's been very good, he answered my texts the first 2 weeks (I didn't send many), but in a cool, polite, detached way. And in a way, I find that harder than if he ignored me. I still think we'll meet again someday. He's not a bad person, neither am I. We both did things wrong in the relationship, and hopefully he is learning from his mistakes as I am learning from mine. Edited September 24, 2011 by HappyFlower Link to post Share on other sites
Lilmissohdear Posted September 25, 2011 Share Posted September 25, 2011 Hi HappyFlower, I have reached Day 6 of NC and am struggling too. Maybe it's a common thing? I see quite a few similarities in our behaviour. I have changed my ex's name on my phone too and am still thinking we will meet again one day. I imagine this feeling fades after a while? Hope you made it through day 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HappyFlower Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 Hey Lilmissohdear! I hope the feeling fades, I'm a little worried that maybe I'm not grieving properly? Sometimes I think if I was really angry and really upset and crying loads that maybe its gets it out, you know? Hope you're doing good today!! Link to post Share on other sites
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