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Ex with mid-life crisis (maybe)


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Long story short,

 

My ex cheated on me then confessed after 3 months period when he treated me very badly (tried to save himself by blaming me?) so i called a 8 years relationship off.

 

I am Keen to say he had always been very faithful before and proud to be.

 

He claims being disappointed by me for a while already for not investing enough in the relationship (true) he also claims being stressed for over-working (also true) and to have a midlife crisis as he does not know any longer who he is and what he wants (symptoms are compatible but...whi knows?) Very emotional.

 

As he seemed willing to go to therapy for the problems above, he told me if I want to consider our break-up a temporary separation (2 months or something) and that we can catch up later if we could re-conciliate/not.

 

I told him if could accept that provided he does not start again to fool around in these 2/3 months of separation (this is what any psychologist would also tell him: not to take decision for change when your brain is dysfunctional) but he seems unwilling to accept this. He says that it is unlikely anything will ever happen again but he seems unwilling to commit and wants to be left free.

 

So I asked him if what he did, it was not a simple "mistake" but it is that he wants to fool around and have new sexual experiences. His answer "I don't know!" "I don't know anything anymore"

 

Well, midlife crisis or not, I am not going to accept such an humiliating proposal. I think that having to digest a cheating is humiliating enough without having to assist at him fooling around while he waits to sort out his midlife crisis (as if).

 

But please tell me what you think about this. Thanks.

Edited by Fab001
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Maybe I'm missing something, but he doesn't sound filled with remorse or regret for cheating. He doesn't sound contrite. He's not on his hands and knees begging you to forgive him. He's got his list of reasons why he cheated.

 

Well, isn't that just a convenient way to justify what's unjustifiable?

 

So he's not sorry, is he? So what's left? Not much.

 

The relationship is broken no matter how you look at it. Relationships are about compromise to begin with, and a separation, as you know, should be under the same terms, a compromise.

 

When someone says, "my way or the highway", well, you know that you're not on the same page. That's not a compromise.

 

So that's not going to work.

 

He cheated. He seems to have a host of excuses all lined up. Well, good for him. However, you happen to agree and take some of the blame for the relationship going down the tubes for a while.

 

Is this relationship even salvageable? Or was it time to call it quits a long time ago?

 

Bottom line: he went outside for validation that he felt he wasn't getting inside the relationship instead of sitting down with you and telling you he was unhappy. He didn't communicate with you. So even if he has excuses, is it ever a valid choice to cheat? Well, that's up to you. I know how I feel, but this isn't my life, it's yours.

 

So the ball is in your court. You get to decide if you want a trial separation with a wishy-washy man who cheated on you, doesn't know "anything anymore" and who won't agree with you on the terms of a separation.

 

It kills, I know. But he's out the door. Might as well let him go now than prolong the pain and compromise your dignity. Would I let someone go into a trial separation actually sanctioning the idea he can hook up during that timeframe? Uh. No. That's like asking to be hit with a hot poker, thrown under the proverbial bus, or being hit when you're already down.

 

And neither should you. If that's the best he can come up with, don't let the door hit him too hard on his way out. Who knows? Stand your ground. It might be exactly what he needs. And if not? Then it's time to end this relationship and see it for what it is: stagnant, dead, and over. Sorry, and take care.

 

PS If you don't know what you want from someone after 8 years, well, that speaks for itself, IMHO.

 

He claims being disappointed by me for a while already for not investing enough in the relationship (true) he also claims being stressed for over-working (also true) and to have a midlife crisis as he does not know any longer who he is and what he wants (symptoms are compatible but...whi knows?) Very emotional.

 

I told him if could accept that provided he does not start again to fool around in these 2/3 months of separation (this is what any psychologist would also tell him: not to take decision for change when your brain is dysfunctional) but he seems unwilling to accept this. He says that it is unlikely anything will ever happen again but he seems unwilling to commit and wants to be left free.

 

So I asked him if what he did, it was not a simple "mistake" but it is that he wants to fool around and have new sexual experiences. His answer "I don't know!" "I don't know anything anymore"

 

Well, midlife crisis or not, I am not going to accept such an humiliating proposal. I think that having to digest a cheating is humiliating enough without having to assist at him fooling around while he waits to sort out his midlife crisis (as if).

 

But please tell me what you think about this. Thanks.

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He does feel remorse and asked sorry and to forgive him. When I told off anyhow, then he came up with that list of accusations. His accusations were not to justify the cheating which is wrong anyhow, he admits.

 

He also admits he did not talk enough (as you properly spotted) even if he warned me last November he was unhappy of my work arrangements.

 

For the trial separation part, he is aware that if we decide for trail separation there would be no hooking up.

 

What he was hinting me was what would likely happen if he becomes free and single again in the short run (likely nothing) and that he does not know if he would pursue the dating scene or not.

 

I do not know if this was a misunderstanding or he contradicting himself which might also be. I do not see anything malicious in him being confused.

 

thanks for your reply.

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what he means by saying " i dont know" is, please do the dirty works and break up with me, and make me feel less of a bad person for hurting you more than I already did.

 

the truth is, he does know. he does want to break up with you, and that hurt you, and that what he wants to do, but he still think he is a good person so he wants you to do it instead.

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