Trying to cope... would love

[College Student]

Hey everybody,

 

I've been reading this forum for a couple of weeks now and I've finally decided to make an account and post my situation... really looking for some help and advice. Hopefully this isnt too long

 

Basically Ill throw it all out there.. Im a 20 year old junior in college. Just a few months ago I was on top of the world, I had a great job, a 3.8 GPA and a beautiful girl that I had been dating for 2 and a half years and I could see as my wife.

 

Four months ago I lost an uncle that I was very close with to brain cancer. I did not realize it then but I shut myself off from the people that were close to me.. I thought I was fine and didnt realize how different I had become. All i focused on was work and school as that seemed to let me forget about my feelings.

 

Two months later my girlfriend left me. She blamed me for not being there for her anymore and within 3 weeks of breaking up found another guy. I went through the whole begging for her back which of course didnt work as you all know and just made her much more distant. Now I dont think she could give a damn about me..

 

Anyways, during this same time my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mom was also thought to have breast cancer, went through surgery, and the tumor was found out to be malignant (thank God).

 

And for the worst news.. I have another uncle with Nephrogenic Systemic Fibrosis (a very rare, doctor-caused, evil disease) which he has slowly been dieing from, and looks to be at the end of his rope with. I dont know if i can handle watching another person so close to me die. I really dont.

 

So, all this is really screwing with me. In the last three or four months I feel like I lost so much. I cant focus on anything anymore and feel like I dont know who I am anymore. I used to be such a happy person. This feeling I have is horrible.. I guess its probably depression. I have constant nightmares of the reality im living and I cant sleep. I'll be honost and say whats bugging me the most is my ex.. she knows whats happened in my life. Ive tried a couple of times to get her support... she refuses to give it, guess she thinks I want her back. Which I do, but right now I just want her to help me through the struggles im dealing with in my family. Instead shes posting pictures of her kissing her new boyfriend on her facebook... Idk.. its making things so hard for me. Need to get this off my mind. Ive tried therapy, seeing a doctor and have even joined my schools rugby team. Something has to help me before I go insane.

[january2011]

I'll be honost and say whats bugging me the most is my ex.. she knows whats happened in my life. Ive tried a couple of times to get her support... she refuses to give it, guess she thinks I want her back. Which I do, but right now I just want her to help me through the struggles im dealing with in my family.

 

I'm very sorry about all that's happened in your family and what you're going through at the moment. You've taken a lot of hits and it's not surprising that you're finding it tough.

 

Unfortunately, I do think that you're focusing on the wrong thing. Your ex does not owe you anything. Helping a former partner through bereavement is not on her remit. It's a big enough task to ask of a current partner, let alone one who has already left you and is currently seeing someone else.

 

If you are able to lean on other family and friends, I think that would be a healthier option for you.

 

In addition, if your current therapist is not supporting you enough, I'd suggest seeking one who is more supportive. In the meantime, please do continue to post here. Venting will help somewhat. And if you haven't done so already, I suggest speaking to your college tutors to see if there is anything that can be done to defer your studies and/or other solutions that can be found while you work through your current situation.

[College Student]

Thank you for your reply.. the funny thing is I am a college tutor. And maybe your right, maybe it isnt her obligation. But I was with her for over two years. She was my best friend... and I dont understand why she cant at least try to be there for me. Ive asked for her support.. she ignores me. I cant even believe it, she knows the situation im dealing with. But I am doing NC and trying the best I can to get over her while I still grieve for my family members. Somedays I just really break down.. I have nightmares.. I cant sleep or eat. Its awful. So awful. I wouldnt wish this on anyone. But Im a strong person and determined to get through this.. im just so afriad things will get worse before theyll get better.

 

Last weekend my mom decided to get a puppy to bring a little cheer to the family. The puppy seemed perfectly healthy. Then, the day before we were going to pick her up, she died from God knows what.

 

Its crazy how life continues to throw these punches at me. I just want to make sense of it all... like I said before 6 months ago I was on top of the world and one of the happiest kids alive. Now Im lower than low.. and it sucks.

[january2011]

I think many find it hard to deal when someone walks away and doesn't want to know. To go from loving you to seemingly not caring whether you live or die. It's harsh but it's a reality that one needs to come to terms with.

 

You need to accept that what is in the past is in the past. You might have been everything to each other but now you're not and it doesn't matter how much you or she invested or what you once felt for each other. You need to deal with the here and now.

 

You're not just asking for her to come back. You're asking her to support you emotionally through this. As I said, it's a lot to ask a current girlfriend, let alone a former girlfriend who is in a new relationship. As brutal as it is for you, it's not exactly an attractive option for her.

 

As a college tutor, you've no doubt experienced being on the other end of helping students through similar situations. I suggest that you use these experiences to do what you need to do to get yourself through this. Go for the 'low hanging fruit' first and the biggest priorities - the must do's because of time and finances. Then work your way down the list. Somehow, you need to keep going. Once all the immediate concerns have been dealt with, see if you can get some time off, perhaps a weekend, a couple of weeks or even a month just to go away somewhere and think about your next steps.

 

Yes, it's horrific in how life can throw us these curve balls and the whole tower collapses. But these are the challenges we must face. As you said, you are a strong person and you're determined to get through this. You will get through this, it's just tough going at the moment. The hits may keep coming and it would be so easy to curl up into a ball and give up completely, but somehow, I don't think that's an option that you will let yourself take. I get the impression that you have too much pride to do anything less than survive. And I see that as a good thing that will help you get to the other side of this horrible period in your life.

Edited February 22, 2011 by january2011

[fiat500]

College Student, so sorry that you are going through this intensely difficult time . Know that you have our support on these boards and you are free to discuss and vent all you want here.

 

a two year relationship is a long time. how old is your ex and did you meet her in college? I'm sorry to say but even though she broke up with you and considering her knowledge of your situation, she seems a bit immature and selfish. of course she doesn't have to hold your hand and is not obligated to get back together with you, but if she were a true friend who cared about you and not just someone who attached herself to you for the past two years under the label "girlfriend," she would have at least shown a *little* support or offered condolences instead of ignoring you and posting pics of herself and her new boyfriend on facebook. what she did was what teenagers do. not adults.

 

so it may not seem like it now, but if she can't be there for you during this sad time in your life, then she isn't worth it.

 

it says a lot about a person's character if they can just walk away from someone they've known for a long while and not care whether they live or die. they say that in your most difficult time you will find out who your true friends are and she failed that test BIG TIME.

Edited February 22, 2011 by fiat500

[College Student]

Again thanks for your replys.. its amazing how much it helps to just talk to others and see my own perspective from your points of view.

 

Fiat-- she is 19 and a freshman in college. I am 20 and a junior. We met in high school. You are right, she is some-what immature. However she was always very kind-hearted and sweet which were my favorite qualities of her. To be honost she lived a pretty sheltered life and when she got to college i think she just broke free.. met new people and it completely changed her. She is just no longer the person she was and Im going through a tough time accepting that. But you are right, she is no longer worth it.

 

 

January -- Again thanks for your response. You are right, as much as I want to I will not give up. I will continue to take these hits. I may only be 20 but I am very determined to succeed. Unfortunatly, I already had everything that I wanted in life and it has all been taken from me. Its kind of like I cant believe all this hard work that I put into achieving many of my goals has just been thrown down the drain.. And the worst part of this is the physical reactions my body is giving me... not letting me sleep or eat. I lost 15 pounds in a month and im small to begin with. I am at the point where I am forcing myself to eat and go to the gym.. even if i dont want to. But I am going to take your advice.. and try to worry about one goal at a time and slowly get myself back on track.