Years on and feeling angry

[LostLamb]

I need opinions on this.

 

I'm angry all of a sudden and not sure why.

It's not because I still love him as I remember coming on LS at the time and dismissing people who told me his new relationship (he met someone weeks after we split) was a rebound . I treated it as a serious relationship thus moving on and knowing we'd never get back together.

Two years on they are married and i've no contact with him since a vile email was sent to me 14 months ago so i'm wondering why I now feel angry? Is it delayed?

I feel disgusted over how I allowed myself to be treated and he has remained happy and lucky since as my life has been a constant struggle with lots of bad luck (i'm due in hospital this week) beyond my control.

 

He was even in my dream the last three nights. Any ideas why I am so angry?

I did talk about it to old therapist who didn't understand why ex was so nasty to me but..I hate suddenly feeling so sad and angry years on:confused:

[FreeNow]

Sometimes, one might have a black and white take about themselves in the past based on what they perceive about a situation in the present. In other words, perhaps you are seeing him being in a long term relationship as evidence that you were totally at fault for the break of your relationship.

 

If he appears to be "doing fine" (he might or might not be happy but it matters not), it doesn't necessarily mean that you were the problem before. He is still with her... it is what it is and doesn't reflect upon you or the relationship you had. It only means he is still with her. That has nothing to do with you now unless you make it mean something to you. Maybe you linked your happiness on his suffering post split (this is very common but not productive in the long run). If you move towards your own happiness without regard to him or whatever he does; you have a chance at that true happiness for yourself.

 

I could be way off base so this was just my guess and two cents.

[ShannonMI]

I need opinions on this.

 

I'm angry all of a sudden and not sure why.

It's not because I still love him as I remember coming on LS at the time and dismissing people who told me his new relationship (he met someone weeks after we split) was a rebound . I treated it as a serious relationship thus moving on and knowing we'd never get back together.

Two years on they are married and i've no contact with him since a vile email was sent to me 14 months ago so i'm wondering why I now feel angry? Is it delayed?

I feel disgusted over how I allowed myself to be treated and he has remained happy and lucky since as my life has been a constant struggle with lots of bad luck (i'm due in hospital this week) beyond my control.

 

He was even in my dream the last three nights. Any ideas why I am so angry?

I did talk about it to old therapist who didn't understand why ex was so nasty to me but..I hate suddenly feeling so sad and angry years on:confused:

 

I feel the same way. Still angry and sad over the breakup. It's been almost a year since my ex dumped me. I don't understand why I feel this way. I think it's still hard for me because we dated for 8 years and it was a complete shock when he dumped me. I also think it's because I haven't found someone new like he has. He's happily living his life and I'm still alone. Have you moved on with anyone new? Are you dating? If not, that may be why you are still feeling sadness and anger over things.

[Carm]

When I think of my ex, I am consumed with angry thoughts. I've a lot of time to think about why (its been one year). I believe its the injustice of what he did to me and the layers and layers of lies and betrayal.

 

I've recently met a great guy through a friend and even though I'm excited about him it does not take away the affects of what my ex did to me.

[LostLamb]

Sometimes, one might have a black and white take about themselves in the past based on what they perceive about a situation in the present. In other words, perhaps you are seeing him being in a long term relationship as evidence that you were totally at fault for the break of your relationship.

 

If he appears to be "doing fine" (he might or might not be happy but it matters not), it doesn't necessarily mean that you were the problem before. He is still with her... it is what it is and doesn't reflect upon you or the relationship you had. It only means he is still with her. That has nothing to do with you now unless you make it mean something to you. Maybe you linked your happiness on his suffering post split (this is very common but not productive in the long run). If you move towards your own happiness without regard to him or whatever he does; you have a chance at that true happiness for yourself.

 

I could be way off base so this was just my guess and two cents.

 

I don't understand why it's suddenly playing on my mind and angering me though.

I don't have chance for any type of long term happiness for various reasons and that's not what I seek really as a relationships aren't on my radar...don't know if i'll ever want to be in love again even if I am single/child free and 30.

I just don't understand why I feel so angry other than the fact he had three chances to tear me apart but each time I was pleasant , even when he sent a vile email a year later for no good reason.

I guess that's it. I want a chance to tell him what I think about him , challenge the horrible things he said about me even though it's in the past and i'm long forgotten.

Maybe it's due to hospital and the memories it invokes and how unfair life is. I think I despise him and what he represents- hoe unkind some people are and how they never pay for the pain they cause.

[paleblue]

im wondering if you repressed things back then and now they are surfacing. im realizing i do that. i will repress something for months and years, only for it to bubble to the surface at some point in the future. it may be a way of protecting ourselves from hurt at the time.

[FreeNow]

I don't understand why it's suddenly playing on my mind and angering me though.

 

My former spouse rarely elicits emotions within me anymore, however, when one of the children (adults now) bring up that she is doing this or that and it bothers them (hence, they need me to listen), I sometimes get angry inside. I hide this emotion from the children but it does come up now and then within me. It gets less and less over time and is only occasionally triggered when the children are hurt/angry/sad about a current situation with their mother.

 

I don't have chance for any type of long term happiness for various reasons

 

I hope that isn't because of your health. If it is, then I'm saddened to hear that. I wish you the best.

 

Hopefully you aren't linking happiness to a relationship. Real happiness is found within one's self, not without.

 

and that's not what I seek really as a relationships aren't on my radar...don't know if i'll ever want to be in love again even if I am single/child free and 30.

 

No relationship on my radar either. I had a rebound right after the marriage and saw it just masked the emotions. I preferred to deal with my own issues and heal so I dropped out of dating. Since there are still a few minor children from the marriage, I feel it's better to raise them first and then see about dating. As time goes on, I doubt I'll date again as I'm pretty happy on my own. There are plenty of available ladies in my age bracket (older) and some younger (& much younger... Yikes! They seem like kids; no meaningful conversation) but I just don't have the desire to date; I'm content for the time being. You may find contentment in time. Loneliness and aloneness are not the same thing.

 

I just don't understand why I feel so angry other than the fact he had three chances to tear me apart but each time I was pleasant , even when he sent a vile email a year later for no good reason.

 

If you have no children or other compelling reason to be in contact, don't give him the opportunity again. Just like if someone yelled nasty words at you and flipped the bird in traffic... it happened, you reacted well, and it doesn't matter now. However, instead of the risk of repressing that anger, find ways to let it out that don't involve him or any way it would get back to him.

 

I guess that's it. I want a chance to tell him what I think about him , challenge the horrible things he said about me even though it's in the past and i'm long forgotten.

 

It probably wouldn't make a difference if you did get a chance to tell him. Also, unless he has some major mental health issues, you aren't forgotten. You never will be forgotten by him. When someone means something to someone else, barring major health issues (mental/neurological/etc), they don't completely forget the other person.

 

Maybe it's due to hospital and the memories it invokes and how unfair life is. I think I despise him and what he represents- hoe unkind some people are and how they never pay for the pain they cause.

 

I believe they pay eventually, even if we aren't around to see it. Often times that can be internally for them. I mean, if they didn't care at all about pain they may have caused in the past, then they'd be completely devoid of empathy; which is pathological on it's face, no? Besides, emotional maturity includes passing a point in our lives in which their reward for misdeeds no longer matter.

 

If you still have anger then you aren't yet indifferent to him emotionally. There are still feelings within you that need to be dealt with. You don't even need to involve him to deal with them either. A new therapist could really help in that regard.

[FreeNow]

im wondering if you repressed things back then and now they are surfacing. im realizing i do that. i will repress something for months and years, only for it to bubble to the surface at some point in the future. it may be a way of protecting ourselves from hurt at the time.

 

That's the most likely answer. Either that or it hasn't been repressed at all and has been continuing to surface all of this time.

 

Tough stuff to deal with for sure!

[LostLamb]

I feel the same way. Still angry and sad over the breakup. It's been almost a year since my ex dumped me. I don't understand why I feel this way. I think it's still hard for me because we dated for 8 years and it was a complete shock when he dumped me. I also think it's because I haven't found someone new like he has. He's happily living his life and I'm still alone. Have you moved on with anyone new? Are you dating? If not, that may be why you are still feeling sadness and anger over things.

 

I'm sorry. Eight years is a long time to spend with someone and if he is happier than you , no wonder you feel angry as it almost feels like being punished twice?

I'm not dating but my life has been mad what with illness , family death and every other stress you can think of happening all at once.

Not sure love is for me really and I fear explaining everything to someone new anyway.

 

When I think of my ex, I am consumed with angry thoughts. I've a lot of time to think about why (its been one year). I believe its the injustice of what he did to me and the layers and layers of lies and betrayal.

 

I've recently met a great guy through a friend and even though I'm excited about him it does not take away the affects of what my ex did to me.

 

 

I'm sorry you are still hurting. I feel angry because of a sense of injustice , too.

It's almost like they have won twice if they break your heart and go on to prosper.

I hope the new man will help you move on fully and find happiness again:bunny:

[LostLamb]

 

If you have no children or other compelling reason to be in contact, don't give him the opportunity again. Just like if someone yelled nasty words at you and flipped the bird in traffic... it happened, you reacted well, and it doesn't matter now. However, instead of the risk of repressing that anger, find ways to let it out that don't involve him or any way it would get back to him.

 

 

 

It probably wouldn't make a difference if you did get a chance to tell him. Also, unless he has some major mental health issues, you aren't forgotten. You never will be forgotten by him. When someone means something to someone else, barring major health issues (mental/neurological/etc), they don't completely forget the other person.

 

 

 

I believe they pay eventually, even if we aren't around to see it. Often times that can be internally for them. I mean, if they didn't care at all about pain they may have caused in the past, then they'd be completely devoid of empathy; which is pathological on it's face, no? Besides, emotional maturity includes passing a point in our lives in which their reward for misdeeds no longer matter.

 

If you still have anger then you aren't yet indifferent to him emotionally. There are still feelings within you that need to be dealt with. You don't even need to involve him to deal with them either. A new therapist could really help in that regard.

 

I know I wasn't easy to be with. The stress I came with- I fell ill , my libido was lost , I wasn't as loving as I should have been at times, where I was living was difficult etc- was incredible but how could someone just walk into another relationship and proclaim love three weeks after dumping their fiancee?

Of course it's a sign of emotionally immaturity and stupidity but it reflects badly on me I suppose.

In a way I wish I missed him or was still in love with as my current feelings of anger and sadness are more unhealthy although hopefully i'll be back to my "normal" in a week or so of no longer thinking about him.

I'm probably not the relationship type and as I said I doubt i'll end up married or having children in the future. He was the first person I loved and the first serious relationship I experienced , it took a lot finally letting someone in and I can't see myself doing it again.

 

I hope i'll never see him again (I haven't since the day he collected his things in 2008) as it would just remind me of how weak and stupid I was to fall in love in the first place. I hurt deeply and even things that where said to me in childhood come to mind easily and regularly so I guess he is something i'll have to learn to live with now and then , unless I can buy a new mind.

[FreeNow]

It isn't immaturity or stupidity. Some things, and there are many more lessons ahead of me, are learned at different times, if at all. It is an individual thing.

 

Also, I was an absolute bear to live with some of the time... so none of us are angels. You're human.

 

I hurt deeply and even things that where said to me in childhood come to mind easily and regularly so I guess he is something i'll have to learn to live with now and then , unless I can buy a new mind.

 

Oh boy do I understand about remembering and hurting deeply over past events! Please stick with therapy on resolving those deep long ago memories. The work is worth it as there is a whole new world of happiness ahead of you. You seem to be a top notch person with a great capacity for caring. It's those with little empathy and kindness that have the most trouble getting sorted out. You have much greater potential than them, IMO.

 

how could someone just walk into another relationship and proclaim love three weeks after dumping their fiancee?[/Quote]

 

Believe it or not, it happens more often than some might think. It does, indeed, boggle the mind.

[LostLamb]

It isn't immaturity or stupidity. Some things, and there are many more lessons ahead of me, are learned at different times, if at all. It is an individual thing.

 

Also, I was an absolute bear to live with some of the time... so none of us are angels. You're human.

 

 

 

Oh boy do I understand about remembering and hurting deeply over past events! Please stick with therapy on resolving those deep long ago memories. The work is worth it as there is a whole new world of happiness ahead of you. You seem to be a top notch person with a great capacity for caring. It's those with little empathy and kindness that have the most trouble getting sorted out. You have much greater potential than them, IMO.

 

 

 

Believe it or not, it happens more often than some might think. It does, indeed, boggle the mind.

 

 

My therapy finished last summer and I doubt i'll ask for more any time soon as my main problems can only be fixed by me.

I wish I could delete this account as I don't want to log in again aged 32 , 35 , 40 and so on!

I even wondered today if part of me still loves him , even after all of the pain and ill health he caused me , I do like to torture myself during the worst times:(

 

You seem like a good person too and I hope you continue feeling at peace , whether in love or out. Thanks for the kind words , I don'#t have anyone to talk to so appreciate the time you took.