Over 1 year, NC, still crushed.

[Onthelevel]

I had dated a girl who I thought was going to be the one person I'd be with forever. The only person I've taken it to "that level" with after dating so many. It was kind of happenstance how we met, as I travel a lot for work. I met her the first month I was living in a new town, and I'd never felt anything like it. No games, just honesty, consistency, and 6 months later after all due process, I had finally told her I loved her, and so happy she was crying, she said it back. 4 years had passed, though after 2 years were very "on/off" in terms of the title, but always were very in love and loyal only to one another.

 

I was contractually obligated to move around and work was killing me. Was literally destroying who I was. I work in the renewable energy sector, and was putting in very long, hard days as a foreman. I was undermanned, and at my it was breaking my heart and everything I was. I distanced myself from her because I could feel my anger and rage build up to a point I had never seen, and I didn't want for one second for her to feel that rage. She would call and I would be very short, cold. Always putting her off, but sometimes we would talk as usual. The kind of love you feel for people is really indescribable, but I just felt every time I heard her voice, that it was "my person."

 

After a job in a neighboring state, I had a few days before I had to move all the way to New York for another job that was even further behind schedule and further complicated by change orders and a number of other factors. I made it 2,800 miles in 3 days. Arrived in New York at 2am, went to work at 5 am, worked until 6pm and an hour drive back to a dingy motel where I would live the next couple of months.

 

She kept telling me "Let me come see you! Please! Things will be okay if I can just see you." I was embarrassed about the mental and physical state I was in. My hands were calloused from climbing 400' on an aluminum ladder up tower day in and day out. I was mentally drained from my lack of support and 15+ hour days for weeks and my crew making a cluster **** out of a job because they were also drained mentally and physically. I was borderline mean and very short with people.

 

I was driving home after a very long day, soaking wet, furious at the circumstances of the job... She called. For the past few weeks she thought I was cheating on her, she was sure of it, and I feel her friends and maybe mother convinced her of it. I'm a grown man, I'm not built to cheat those I love, especially her. I couldn't talk her out of it for long and I could tell that it weighed heavy on her as she was becoming insecure. She was shaken and I was breaking her heart. "I just need my space" sounded to her like, "I need my space from YOU." I was raised to not show emotion, and for me that felt like I was being pragmatic, but she had taken it another way.

 

She bought a ticket to come see me. I told her to get it refunded.. I didn't want her to see me like this, I didn't want her to have to say in a hotel room that smelled like years and years of cigarette smoke, while I was gone 17 hours of the day. I didn't want the to be a representation of me...

 

Weeks go by and we don't talk, but she still calls, I text her and call her every now and again. I was buying food at 11pm and they had this cooler with flowers in it, and the only one left was a hibiscus... Her flower. I had taken a picture of it and sent it to her "You are everywhere." She loved that...But, I felt like I was just a shell going through the motions. I told her, "You should move on. You should find somebody new. I can't be this for you, I don't think." Work had ruined me. I felt like I was nothing but an anchor around her ankle. She was sad all the time, and she started seeing the brunt of that. We would yell, she would cry, I would act cold, until I hung up the phone and would just lay by myself thinking "What the **** am I doing.. Why am I saying these things?"

 

She switched her ticket to go see her best friend in another state. I felt like I should give her time without me. Time to enjoy herself without the stress or my heaviness. I waited for her to call and a call didn't come. I injured myself on the job site, and subsequently stitched it up in the work truck and went back to work. I had a crazy day, was burnt out, I just remember the rain, fog, and blood all over my clothes from climbing up later with a blood running off of my glove and all over me... still worked 7 more hours.. I needed somebody just to comfort me. Felt like I was finally at my breaking point. I called and called, and she finally answered. She tells me she's been back for days. Vacation was "great" and "eye opening." She feels like me not calling was "significant." She was talking in a "tone." A neutral tone. Cold, but "friendly." As if she was catching up with an old friend rather than the person she'd been with for 4 years.

 

I asked, "so, what do you want to do?" She said "I think we should see other people." I was dying, but respected the decision, also thinking it was a bluff. I said "I hurt myself today, I cut my palm from my wrist to thumb... I don't have time to see a doctor, so I sutured it myself." She responded "Ohhh..?" A response a mother would give a child that was saying something of little importance. "I need somebody... I can't do this anymore.. This is killing me.." She responded, "Oh, so now you NEED me." "Yeah.. I do." She says, almost.. premeditated "Hey, let me call you back!"

 

By the time I get to my dingy motel room, it's 8:30pm, my 10 minute suture job is burst, I have to get food for the next day, do laundry, and finish my paperwork for the day.. I couldn't do any of it.. She hadn't called back, so I stitch my hand over the sink, cleanly with one ear in the direction of my phone, feeling like the call will come at any time. My mind festers and I lay on the bed, with the drone of the television and the local news.. I fall asleep and wake up with my alarm going off at 3:30am. I immediately looked for a missed call, text.. anything. And nothing...

 

I figure she needs her space and don't hear anything for a few days. I look at her Myspace page, and she going through the motions with two different dudes, as we were "single" for the time and I feel she was trying to get me to defend my territory, or whatever.. I call her that night home from work, she responds in the same friendly tone and lets me go again, and I don't hear from her for a few days. I'm a patient person. Few more days go and things really pick up with this new guy, who is just...Not on my radar. Totally bizarre. It's been a matter of two weeks and she's ignoring me, but still sending me this and that, and I notice that there's pet names involved with this dude and they're going out on "dates" or whatever.

 

I'm alright with that. I told her to that's how it was. I didn't mean it, and should have never said it, but it is what it is. I feel like guy is nowhere near the man I am, and she'll see. I still call her and by the second week, every time we talk she is furious with me, things get heated, and we both get off the phone dissatisfied. Two weeks later.. I was doing a "punchlist" after I had climbed 5 towers that day, and am exhausted. I am sleep deprived, stressed, my hand is sutured and wrapped so I have to climb a 400' ladder with one hand. My body is killing me. I'm spacing important things. My workload is literally starting to have a mental effect on me... and I remember being at the top of this windmill, feeling lost in my own head, in "outerspace" and I just wanted to see a picture of her.. I looked at the ones saved in my phone, and was feeling calm, wandered over to her Myspace page and there it was... He had posted a picture of them obviously waking up together in a sun filled room that was nowhere familiar.

 

My heart broke. I didn't even understand the meaning of a "broken heart" until that split second when it hit me. I lost it. I had just dragged 45 pounds of tools and material up a god damned wind turbine, physically and mentally exhausted, and literally blacked out due to stress/heartbreak for what was around 3 minutes but felt like a a few seconds.. Didn't alleviate anything. I came to, stood up, almost fell and started throwing punches. There I was. A 24 year old man, crew of 12 people waiting on me, in a tower 2800 miles away from home, punching an aluminum ladder with the one good hand I had left. Collapsed again, a crying, sobbing mess. Couldn't believe it... Memories being sucked in somewhere inside my heart and exploding through my chest. Furious... I tried to be level headed, I had to get back to normalcy, I had a job to do... I worked for 2 minutes and collapsed again in a sobbing mess. I couldn't think, I couldn't move, everything was falling apart.

 

I requested one of my guys go up ladder and finish what I had started. The hardest part was hauling the gear, I had sent a runner with my work truck to pick up material and called him back. He was my best friend who I had brought from my state... I made him drive me an hour and a half away back to my room, I packed my non-work clothes and had him drive me 3 hours to Ithaca, where I bought a ticket and headed to preserve something that was already dead.. Something I was oblivious to. I was fired shortly after I had talked to my superintendent and could care less. I could only think of my person... I show up, our mutual friend gets me from the airport because "she's busy at work." I pick her up for lunch and we go out. Our friend comes with, and I'm trying to be as cool as I can.. She's staring through me the whole time. Mad at me. I'm making every mistake trying to maintain, even saying "you look tired" when I was driving her back to her work. I meant "You look like you've been up..."

 

I picked her up from work later that night and went to dinner at our spot. She would barely talk and only said things like "Oh, you want me now. Now that I'm moving on." that and "I don't believe you." or 'I don't trust you." Things that had to have come from her "friends." She wouldn't let me touch her, hold her hands, kiss her. First time I've ever lose my composure in front of her and started crying in her driveway... She was shocked and said "Please, don't cry..." and as soon as I regained myself, she went back into heartless mode.

 

I get my things up to her room and she says "What are you doing? You need to sleep downstairs." I couldn't understand where all this is coming from. How it happened so fast. I refused and told her "I've been with you for four years. I know you. I can see right through your ****. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Don't do this just because you think you can." We ended up doing what people do two hours later, she says "Really.. you need to sleep on the couch." Right after we finish. Just to be spiteful.

 

I said "**** you" which is one of few times I've ever been that way with a woman. I started packing all of my stuff up. As I was putting stuff in, she was taking it out saying "what are you doing?!" I said 'I'm leaving.' She said "No, just stay the night." My pride was crushed, I was crushed, my heart was broken and she was driving her point home. I couldn't do it. So I finally pack most of my stuff, with some things left because she had taken them out and in a flurry, left her house and started the 11 miles journey to the airport on foot. She was calling me and calling me, I couldn't answer. I was a wreck. I finally called her and broke.. again.. "I'm sorry things are this way. I didn't want it to ever get like this. I messed up and YOU messed up, and I can't do this, it's too hard for me. When I leave this state, I'm gone for good. this isn't a romance movie, you're treating me like **** and I won't stand for it. Good luck." I made it 3 miles to an all night diner, she was calling and calling. It was 2:30am. I ordered a tea, because I hadn't eaten in days, couldn't eat, really. I didn't want them to kick me out.. I was a crying wreck and fell asleep in the booth with a roller suitcase and a backpack.

 

A waitress came to me and said "Honey, do you need a cab.." I said "Yeah, maybe.. I don't know the number." and fell back asleep. I woke up half an hour later to the same woman, "I can give you a ride if you need it, we'll find you a ride, huh.." I declined, and said thanks, fell back asleep briefly before some drunk guy came in sat next to me and put his arm around me and said something about "partying" belligerently spitting on the side of my face. I lost my **** picked him up and ran him through one table and over another. Grabbed my things, left 10 bucks, and started walking to the airport... Only 8 more miles. Got there, bought a flight HOME for 670 dollars, which was the last of my cash at that point, left my debit card in NY... My mother picked me up. I hadn't seen her in 6 months. She brought me to her house and I hit the couch and slept for 17 hours straight. Waking up to text message after text message. "I need you to call me." " I want to talk."

"I love you and hope you're safe."

 

I wake up. Can't believe it. I literally felt if I was still dreaming. I call her back an hour after collecting whatever was left of myself, and it turned into "I love you. I want to date." then into "We should still be able to see other people. What if this just goes on/off again. I mean.. Look all that has happened."

 

The last time I talked to her was sometime in October of 2009. I left her house on September 28th, 2009. I told her "If you don't see love anymore, than you don't see love. I gave up my job for you. I put it all out there, and you thought it was some ploy to 'get you back.' If you can't see it than this is over and it's time for me to move on like it looks you have." She contacted me two weeks later no contact with a "Looks like you're back to your old lady killing ways again. Girls all over you. You were a big part of my life, you made me a better person, and you made me crazy as well. Hope we can be friends in months/years to come." and I had taken that as "Let's talk." She denied me again and pulled the "I don't think talking would be fair to the person I'm seeing right now." So I said, goodbye for good. "Don't contact me, I won't contact you. This is my closure. Take care." Haven't talked to her since.

 

I checked her stuff, of course, and within three weeks after the day I left and a week after that email she was "Madly in love" with her "soulmate." A 27 year old dude with a son, living at his parents house, bitching about never having money, and always talking about smoking weed and getting high on his twitter. (Yeah, I know.. I checked because I'm a human being and suck.)

 

They were engaged 4 months later and plan to be married this year, I gather.

 

I check her stuff from time to time, which is bad, I know.. She'll still bring me up in a negative context, subversively, like on my birthday last year she tweeted "I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND. HE IS THE BEST PERSON EVER. I COULDN'T BE LUCKIER." and blocked me on Facebook the day after what would have been our 5th anniversary a few months later. Since then she has block/unblocked me 4 different times, and I don't understand why, and probably shouldn't care.

 

No contact has been made, and from afar I see her talk obsessively about this jealous deadbeat being "AMAZING" or "PERFECT" or "LOVE OF MY LIFE." and to be honest, it kills me. This whole thing is harmful to me and I continue to look. I've really cut back, but once every couple monthsor less, I play catch up and it's crazy that she has chosen that over me, but maybe that's just my narcissism.

 

25 now. 1 year and 4 months later I'm having dreams about her. So many things remind me of her. I've been a train wreck ever since. Turned down a job in 6 figure job in Maine and work minimally. Dating and talking to women is easy for me and I always get what I pursue, but am numb, and I stay in on nights like these while everybody around me parties and lives whatever is remaining of their youth. The only thing I have is my sobriety, because the whole time I felt like if I lost that, I probably wouldn't be alive right now.

 

Crazy to believe that you can be so dependent on an emotion, a feeling, a chemical you get, just being graced with the presence of another person.

 

Is time the only thing that will heal this?

[0hpenelope]

Yes. Only time. The progression of healing only comes with time.

 

I empathize with you. Good luck with everything.

[kaygato]

This was a really deep post. I think you should be a writer or something, because your experience with this girl sounds tragically beautiful the way you wrote it. I'm sorry you're still in so much pain. With time it should get better.

[GreenPolicy]

It's not complete NC if you are seeking out information about her online. I don't do that with my ex, because I am afraid of finding out stuff like what you found. You will have to stop doing that in order to aid with your healing. You mentioned time helping you heal. Everytime you check up on her online, you are setting yourself back and preventing yourself from moving on.

 

My other advice is this: if you're religious, start going to church. If you're not, find a 12-step program. You mentioned maintaining sobriety, so if I were you, I'd start attending AA meetings. It's not just about the challenges associated with staying sober, you also learn a lot about how to cope with other challenges in life. I go to Al-Anon meetings because I have an immediate family member who is an alcoholic, and the stuff I'm learning in there I have been able to apply to my own broken heart with my ex.

[raincheck]

this was really heartbreaking to read. i agree with a post above that you should try your hand at writing. but back to the point: i do think it will take a lot of time. i think by now you've thought it over so much that you have a good understanding of where and how you made mistakes, as well as where and how she made mistakes. the best thing you can do for yourself is stop thinking of her as the love of your life, stop checking up on her new life, and try your best to move on. there's a critical switch in your mind that happens when you realize that, even if you two loved each other enough for ten lifetimes, sometimes that isn't enough to make a relationship work. things go sour and you can't bring it back to where it once was. and it sounds like you tried everything you could--nothing left to do but accept and move forward.

 

i also think it's important to recall that you were "on/off in terms of the title" for two of the four years that you were involved. that can wreak havoc on a woman's heart, and i'm sure it was difficult for you too. she said "you made me crazy as well".

 

i know it's easy to remember how happy someone made you, and how much you felt for them, but if in your day to day, the relationship just WASN'T working, and hadn't been for some time-- it's exhausting, and difficult, and wears you down, and makes you want to give up on it. at one point, you felt that too. and you felt it for a continuous streak of time. don't forget that.

 

in the end, one person has to be strong enough to let it go, finally. i know it's heartbreaking to the other person (in this case: you), but all it means is that they had the strength to do what was best for BOTH of you. it doesn't mean it was meaningless to them, or that they threw it all away, or that they didn't love you "enough". it means they were able to recognize that the relationship wasn't working and couldn't be salvaged. i know it hurts because you were still willing to TRY, and she wasn't in the end-- but you really have to get out of the (tempting) viewpoint of: i was victimized/abandoned. you just have faith that the universe made a move on your behalf that was better for your life. who made the decision, in the end, doesn't matter.. what matters is that it was made, and now it's over.

 

you may never love someone the way you loved her, again. but, when love happens again.. it is just different. it might not be crazy and too-passionate and make you cry in the rain or punch metal ladders. but that doesn't mean that it is "less". if anything, it is usually more mature, careful, considerate. sometimes its better just because the relationship is better and healthier and keeps you happier. remember that.

 

hugs!

[stopthemadness]

So sorry for your pain.But am gona tell you what i think you need to hear. You need to see a therapist to try to work some of this stuff out. I see one and have been for a few months now. Its helped me alot. Am not saying things can be fixed over night but it would be a good start. I too am not with who i "thought" was the love of my life. Its been 7 mnoths now. And am telling you sm days like 2day, it feels like we just broke up yesterday. But most of the time am ok. Hes with smone new also and thats hard too. But at the end of the day OH WELL LIFE GOES ON. Stop checking her myspace and facebook or whatever. Thats only hurting you. Your relationship with that women was truly a love story, but you will have others and so will I. You hang in there..keep posting it helps and check out the chat line on here. Good luck..

[Onthelevel]

I apologize to everybody for the novel. I just see people that are always looking for the clearest advice write some bland explanation of what happened and then people probing about what, why, and when. I figured I'd spare everybody that whole game. I'm sure a lot of people have a similar story, they just don't want to put it all out there. I wouldn't either if this wasn't anonymous. I carry on so well socially that none of my friends even know that it was a bad break or the kind of shape I'm in on a regular basis. I try and not push the story on people who do not ask, either. I dislike when people use others as emotional wheelbarrow.

 

I do need to stop looking and stop checking up. It's almost like a self inflicted pain addiction. It's become a monthly routine. It's just hard to believe that someone you knew to the core could become this other person so abruptly. I see pictures of them, of him, and I just feel like this is the Twilight Zone. Entirely unreal. It goes against the laws of nature.

 

And I appreciate the feedback. I've been in my own head for over a year. I don't have many I can talk to and if I do, I don't feel like burdening them with this. So, really. Thank you.

[flow15]

I apologize to everybody for the novel. I just see people that are always looking for the clearest advice write some bland explanation of what happened and then people probing about what, why, and when. I figured I'd spare everybody that whole game. I'm sure a lot of people have a similar story, they just don't want to put it all out there. I wouldn't either if this wasn't anonymous. I carry on so well socially that none of my friends even know that it was a bad break or the kind of shape I'm in on a regular basis. I try and not push the story on people who do not ask, either. I dislike when people use others as emotional wheelbarrow.

 

I do need to stop looking and stop checking up. It's almost like a self inflicted pain addiction. It's become a monthly routine. It's just hard to believe that someone you knew to the core could become this other person so abruptly. I see pictures of them, of him, and I just feel like this is the Twilight Zone. Entirely unreal. It goes against the laws of nature.

 

And I appreciate the feedback. I've been in my own head for over a year. I don't have many I can talk to and if I do, I don't feel like burdening them with this. So, really. Thank you.

 

I feel for you. I really do. I too feel like my ex is a completely different person to me now. It's like the person he was when he was with me is dead, and I am mourning his death. The person he is now, is a stranger. Not because we don't talk, but because he has a new life, new girl.... everything he's doing now is not what I thought he was.

 

I deleted him of facebook and mutual friends, however I have my weak moments where I use a friends facebook and look at his page and I'm torturing myself. Every time I do it I know I'm killing myself, but I can't help it. It kills to see him so happy and his arms around another girl, those same arms that made me feel so happy safe and secure.....

 

I'm trying to stop now, and you should too. You're not helping yourself, everytime you feel like you need to see her page, just stop yourself and do something else to distract yourself.

 

It will get better eventually, and you will meet someone else.. maybe you won't have the same amazing magical love... maybe you will... but there will be someone else. What I had with my ex was purely magical, and it scares me to think that I won't have that again, I think that I could never love anyone the way I loved him, nor have the same connection with anyone else... But then I tell myself, I'm only young, surely he can't be my only love... there has to be someone else out there! And there is for you. Stay strong, you will get through this