My ex is now engaged, how I've been dealing and thinking

[spy-vs-spy]

Edit- Sorry if this post is long or pointless, but this is how I am trying to talk things out/deal with things. If this is tl;dr then sorry, I guess.

 

Let me first introduce myself, I'm a 28 year old guy from the east coast. I've never had issues or shortages of finding women in my life. This isn't bragging it's just how it is. Through some self-discovery I've figured my need for attention from women to be as result of the close-relationship I share with my mother and needing her approval. Approval as in her being proud of me. I've had a few long term relationships of more than a year, but nothing ever more substantial.

 

I'm writing this because I really don't have any close friends that I feel I can explain all of this in detail. I'm hoping typing and thinking this out will help me a bit and if nothing else feel like I got some of it off my chest.

 

Spring of 2009 I went to Las Vegas for a small vacation from graduate school and work. While there I happened to meet a girl who lived in Boston but was from the same state that I grew up in. We shared a lot of the same mannerism, jokes, interests, etc. I told her it was because we both drank the same water. We stayed in touch and two days after I returned from Las Vegas, I booked a ticket to Boston to visit her.

 

I hadn't done a whole lot of traveling since I moved back to the East Coast after an extended period of living in Europe. And I felt like I was turning back into the man I used to be with traveling randomly at a whim. Obviously a girl had something to do with it as well. We saw each other quite a few times through out that summer.

 

I was very hesitant to date her long-distance as I have never had a successful long-distance relationship in my life. I told her that I was afraid because with her I felt like we would only get one shot, and I was afraid I would mess it up. Eventually I gave in and we started dating. At first it was wonderful because I saw her a lot. But then towards the end of the summer and when school resumed I found myself with not only little free time, but also even less money to spend to visit.

 

I soon found myself in the company of someone else in my city. And yes I cheated on the Boston girl with her. I became more and more distant and the calls, texts, emails became less frequent. After a few weeks of this, she broke things off very abruptly in an email telling me she could no longer do this. And because it was long-distance I did not put up a fight, as without money or time I couldn't. Though that sounds like a weak excuse, now as im typing that.

 

Over the next year I went through cycles of wanting to talk to her, get back with her, and then not wanting to. I felt as though she was such an intelligent person and because I felt I only had one honest chance with her, and like I predicted I messed it up.

 

Well the months passed and three weeks ago I sent her a note to her work (I didn't have any other way of contacting her). It was very short, on a small piece of paper, and simply said that I was tired of having her go around in my head and I was tired and that I wanted her to know I would do anything to be with her, and if that was not possible to tell me.

 

Well three weeks after I sent it, I got a very short email from her saying "I am now engaged." I haven't felt a feeling like that in my chest anytime in my life. I took a shower and went to the bar and drank half a bottle of whiskey. I'm sure not the ideal way of dealing, but I just wanted to be numb. This happened on Thursday. Today is Sunday and I've been drinking off an on all weekend. Spending the rest of my time with friends, going for long training rides on my bicycle.

 

Today on my bike I had a thought that while I hate feeling like this, sad, alone, etc. I am glad that I can even have these feelings because if I didn't then that would mean things are easy to deal with and thus not worth enjoying. Not sure if that makes much sense but in my head it does.

 

But at the same time (keeping in mind that I'm not a religious guy, nor do I believe in a "one true love" or karma) I do feel cursed. I feel as though I've been given enough chances at love and now I must roam the earth alone.

 

Thank you for your time.

[lululucy]

How jarring! It must be strange to think you have left her in one place and find out she has been moving on from the moment you started to be distant.

 

We both know alcohol is not a good long-term solution to this loss, but I think you already were well aware of that. You're certainly not doomed to roam the earth alone, especially not at 28. You knew from the beginning that a LTR probably wasn't for you. Take the time you need to grieve and come to terms with her engagement -- I've always found that the moment I become stable and open to love again is the moment I meet someone important.

[CCfooty]

"Today on my bike I had a thought that while I hate feeling like this, sad, alone, etc. I am glad that I can even have these feelings because if I didn't then that would mean things are easy to deal with and thus not worth enjoying. Not sure if that makes much sense but in my head it does."

 

-- That makes complete sense. The hard things in life ARE what make life worth while. Aren't the hardest always the most worth it? They unfortunately give you the best lessons and learning opportunities about life, in my opinion.

 

You knew you couldn't do distance, and you gave it a second shot with her by sending that email. She gave you an answer, saying she's engaged, and short of saying "I don't want to be with you" - I would say engagement is PRETTY committed to another person, so i'm not sure what your thoughts are regarding that.

 

Roaming the earth alone, that's all up to you isn't it? You obviously put out enough confidence at one point to attract that kind of girl. No reason why you can't again somehow (though I do understand if it feels impossible). I would love to comment and say maybe you can find someone better, but I really can't justify that with anything as i'm hooked on a past still too.

[Confused728]

How are you feeling? I just found out my ex is engaged to some one he has only known for less than six months! What a whack in the heart!

[timchambo]

well sounds like you've lead a pretty interesting life. Also sounds like you have no problem finding a woman to begin with. Maybe the thought of settling down with her was part of your maturation process. Maybe you are ready for that now and she just happens to be the one you had the deepest connection with. I also don't believe in a "soulmate". I am sure you will not be alone forever. Stay away from the booze and keep your head up...someone will come along.