pamt Posted September 12, 2003 Share Posted September 12, 2003 I recently (two weeks ago) left my fiance of three years. He was clinically depressed and withdrew from me completely both physically and emotionally. I was not allowed to touch him, not sexually or even friendly. No hugs, kisses, nothing. This went on for the last six months we were together. I begged him to see what was happening, begged him to get help, but to no avail. He refused any help, he said he didn't want to work anything out, and this was the way he was and for me to either accept it and live with it, or move on. He was very verbally abusive, sneering at everything I did and belitting my interests and beliefs. After much painful soul searching, I moved on. I have been so depressed and filled with so much pain over this, and I am very lonely and afraid of being on my own. I have no children, no close friends to talk to. I guess I am just reaching out for friendship and don't know where to turn. I am very listless and have no motivation to get up and do anything -- all I do is watch t.v. and sit on the couch. I go to work everyday, but that's about it. I am so lonely and depressed. I would even go back to him knowing how bad it is if he would let me--but once I left he said he could never forgive me and never take me back. Just because I am so alone and afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 12, 2003 Share Posted September 12, 2003 Well, you've got friends here and you'll find good people here most anytime. First, I am very sorry you had to go through this ordeal. It's kind of scary to think about how many relationships crumble because of a partner's chemical imbalances. It's even worse to think that things might have gotten so much better had that partner sought medical attention. But we have to live with reality...what has actually happened. You don't want to ever go back to a bad situation just because you're lonely. The worst, deepest loneliness is not nearly as bad as a bad relationship. You can't count on this dude ever getting help. You, yourself, are depressed as a result and it wouldn't hurt if you were able to get some counselling to help pull yourself through this difficult period of your life. Everything that happens to us on the planet is a learning experience. I think you have an incredible capacity to be loyal and to hang in there with somebody during the worst of times. That's great to a point. When you begin to be personally affected and even abused by doing so, it is not in your best interests to hang around. You can also not make ONE person your entire world. While we may focus our romantic love on and dedicate our lives to one person, there are many other areas of life where we need other people. You have sadly excluded other people from your life and you now see the need to develop a world apart from love relationships. Your priorities now should be to take some real time to heal. Watching TV is OK to a point but the healing process must be more active on your part. Reading, receiving counselling, attending workshops, networking with others in your same circumstances, etc. are all part of a good program to get back on your feet emotionally. You also need to take inventory of those parts of yourself that allowed you to get to this point and to put up with so much. Hopefully, you will take this time to do some nice things for yourself, to take walks, go to the library, to the malls, take drives, trips, and make friends in the process. Be kind to yourself but don't rot on the couch. The universe is pretty indifferent to our trials and demands that we take a very active role in picking ourselves up by the bootstraps and getting on our feet. You'll be fine. It may take you a while to snap out of your stupor but by necessity you must do this and do it soon. Life is way too short to spend it this way. You alread went through six months of heartbreak when you were with your ex. Now that you are alone, you are the total captain of your ship and the sole architect of your future. Let every minute count for something positive. Stop by here anytime you wish. You'll always find friendly people to reach out to. But don't stop at this forum. Reach out to the world in all directions from where you're at. If there's not enough in your reach, change positions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pamt Posted September 16, 2003 Author Share Posted September 16, 2003 I just wanted to say thank you so much for your very wise and kind words. I am having a very bad day today, one of my severe "panic attack" days, and re-reading the words you wrote have helped to calm me considerally and helped me to remember WHY I left, and why I don't have this man that I deeply love in my life anymore. I am very new to being alone, and I had to go back to our house last night to pick up some more of my things. He was not there, but knew I was coming by. (He was at work) While I felt strangely calm while I was there, ever since I left I have been stunned with this huge panic attack....can't sleep or eat, my stomach is tied up in horrible knots....I feel devastated all over again. I just pray and pray that God will take this love and pain from me, because I don't know how much more of this I can bear. Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 Sometimes when you're feeling so down you can't even raise your head, you can forget that there's a whole world out there filled with things and people that can help you. One of the things I would do in your shoes is take a trip to the doctor. You should perhaps be followed by a professional during this depressed period in your life. it can't hurt and just talking with a doctor can sometimes make a change in the direction of your moods. Another thing to try is finding some groups like Emotional Anonymous in your area. Those are self help groups modeled on the AA twelve step program. If you don't have one of those in your area I'd suggest going to an an Al-Anon meeting just to be around people and perhaps make some connections. There are also church and community social events you could try attending in order to widen your social circle. Meeting people is going to be one of the best way you deal with this thing. Hang in there and like Tony says come back here to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 Pam, Search out my other posts! I know so very much what you are going through, from the standpoint of dealing with your loved one's withdrawal all the way through the leaving. The major difference between you and I is that it seems to me that you still care for your ex. Perhaps I'm cold, or perhaps I'm just able to move on now, but let me assure you that you are NOT alone in this. Tony is right about having come to a place where you will be supported. He is also very correct that the worst loneliness is a blessing compared to putting yourself back into your bad situation. Frankly, I can just second every word of it! Same with what Clancy has offered. My heart just goes out to you. Trust in yourself, and know that you will be okay. The amount of strength you have is clear in both your willingness to stick out the difficulty, but also in recognizing that it was time for you to move forward. Allow yourself to feel the pain of the loss of your fiance, cry it out, let it go...this will likely take time. It will take getting over the shock of being alone. (For me the shock of being alone came even while my husband was still in the house. Frightening, that!) But really do go and find my threads...they might help you, knowing that you're not by yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pamt Posted September 17, 2003 Author Share Posted September 17, 2003 Thank you all for your kind posts, I appreciate all the words of comfort. I am trying to get through this lonely evening, trying to relax and calm my nerves...I have a very definite fear of facing the world right now, and I really hate this feeling, I don't want to ruin the good things I have going in life (job, school) over this, but I am incapable of shaking this panic right now...I am also so exhausted, mentally and physically and am filled with so much confusion, pain and sorrow. I keep thinking if I could just get "mad" at him for the pain he has caused that it would help me to get better, but the anger just doesn't come for some reason. Thanks again everyone, and please include me in your prayers. Pam Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 Pam, have you been speaking with a counselor at all? I would really highly recommend that for the anxiety aspect of this that you put some serious thought into that. If affordability is an issue, you more than likely have resources available to you through your church. The whole idea is that you are NOT alone, and you have no reason to BE alone through this. Reaching out to people is much much different than "facing the world." Sometimes all that is necessary is looking at things in a different way. Also bear in mind that life only happens moment to moment, and that becoming overwhelmed at the notion that there is a future out there could wind up causing you more trouble than good. Take each moment as it comes, and know that so far you have managed to get through all of those moments that have passed. There is already much more good in your life. You have YOU; remember your strength and courage, and know that although you have this negativity as part of your life, there is also much that is great. Believe in you. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 Pam, write this in large letters on a piece of paper. Write it on many pieces of paper. Put them all around your place. Repeat it often to yourself. It really can help: [color=blue]I CAN DO ANYTHING[/color] Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 Very good advice, moimeme. I have a magnet on my refrigerator that has been there for about 20 years. It says, "I will because I can." I've adopted it as my personal motto. Just looking at it empowers me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pamt Posted September 17, 2003 Author Share Posted September 17, 2003 Thanks again for all the wonderful support and advice. I am actually seeing a Dr. and she has put me on anti-depressants and nerve pills for the panic attacks. She said it usually takes a few weeks to notice a difference with the anti depressants, so I am hoping for the best. I am trying to reach out to people as much as I can, the internet helps alot. Especially since I am not very keen on leaving the house right now, I go to work and come straight home and seem to feel better and safer when I am here. I live in a very small town and there aren't any support groups closer than 30 miles away, and I just am not up to driving very far right now. I am hoping that after a few weeks of healing time that I will be ready to go out into the world again, and try to start doing all the things I used to dream about being free to do. I will continue to come here and read the posts because it really helps to know I am not alone in the world in this. Thanks again to you all, I hope to hear from you all again. Pam Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted September 17, 2003 Share Posted September 17, 2003 Pam, I think you are awesome for leaving. Most of the posters on this forum know they should leave, but don't. They remain in hopeless or loveless relationships. Find your passion. Link to post Share on other sites
tommyboy Posted September 18, 2003 Share Posted September 18, 2003 Pam- I recently had to walk away from a relationship with a married woman who I felt was THE ONE, and have had the issues of coping like you...laying on the couch, going to work and barely living. I can't find it in myself at times to leave the house and go out. I don't want to force myself at times either to leave the house, but what greater rejection is there that would trump what you and I have had to go through? Everything else will pale in comparison. So, I tell myself as moimeme told you, which is really great advice... "you can do anything"! Really. Your relationship with God and what you ask for is almost identical with what I pray for as well. And as far as Tony...Tony's advice is marvelous...Tony is a great read and quite on the mark with not just you but others he has advised. I wish Tony would have commented in my posting in the other man category (hint =))...great advice to re-read as you said that you do. I know as you might already, God will provide for you and as 2SidestoStories relates...take a moment by moment and God will provide for you every step of the way. I work out a lot myself, which might prove beneficial to you to do at home maybe instead of just laying on the couch. You might do a little something to get your heart rate beating like it should instead of palpitating like mine at times still does. =) It might help with your anxiety at least. Your not alone pamt. Link to post Share on other sites
Oxydol Posted September 21, 2003 Share Posted September 21, 2003 But, I am very proud of you for having the strength and courage to do what you know you need to. *hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Iamhappy Posted September 22, 2003 Share Posted September 22, 2003 I can not offer advice for the other posters have said all that needs to be said. I offer you a BIG HUG and my shoulder to cry on. Link to post Share on other sites
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