Why am I doing this to myself?

[bridget]

This has probably been discussed again and again, but I was here a couple of months ago with a related problem, and I got really sound advice (even though it was very hard to follow) so I thought I would try my luck again.

 

My ex cheated on me about 2 months ago - we'd been together for around six months. He lives in Austria, by the way, where I was working during the ski season. Anyway, we worked together for five months, at which point I moved back to England and it evolved into something I'd always promised myself I wouldn't be part of - a long distance relationship. It wasn't long after this that I took a holiday in Switzerland. Halfway through this holiday I received a phone call from one of my best friends whom lives in the same village as him - and she told me that she'd heard that he'd "at least kissed" another girl. I had kind of seen something like that coming, since he was being evasive for the couple of days preceeding this. Anyway, naturally I tried to call him and ask, since I was absolutely destroyed. But of course he wasn't answering my calls or replying to my messages, so my only option was waiting. Eventually he sent me an sms (which made me feel incredibly loved, I can tell you) to say that he loved me and missed me and it was the biggest mistake of his life. Then I finally got to speak to him, and I cried and he cried and it was quite messy. So I went back home to England early, because I was crying at every little thing that reminded me of him (and believe me, some ridiculous things reminded me of him). We talked it out eventually and he coerced (sp?) me into being with him again. I should probably mention that at this point I had also discovered that I was pregnant, and I also moved to Munich to work for a month. So I was in about ten dilemmas. I did have an abortion, and that's all that I'll say about that - because it's nothing to do with he and I, more to do with my age and my situation at the moment.

 

Last week, I went to see him again in Austria. It was the worst decision I ever made I think. I went with my best friend, as he had come out to visit me (and really give me moral support in case it all went pear-shaped --very perceptive of him) and we arrived and a good friend of mine came to visit me and we went to eat. So this friend (incidentally one of his best friends too) called him and my ex-boyfriend said that he had to sleep as he was working the whole night, but he would see me ASAP. We then walked around a bit, had some drinks and then went to another friends' apartment. I walked in the door and he was sitting on the bed with said friend, playing computer games! So I was naturally gobsmacked and really a little shy to see him, I kind of said hi and then went straight out onto the balcony to recover my senses. We spoke for about two minutes when he came out there. He was stroking my arm and stuff which made me feel very weird...but I just felt like he was pummeling my heart. Anyway, it was like talking to a complete stranger. And this is the guy who I confided my deepest secrets in...I felt like he was someone I'd just met, and hadn't really felt any connection with.

 

Needless to say, we went back to the friends' house that I was staying in, pretty sharpish. I was stunned really, it was the most horrible feeling ever...not that he was nasty or unwelcoming...there was just no recognition of anything we'd been through together.

 

We went out that night and then it was just kind of looking at each other, neither of us wanting to ask the other to come outside or to a quieter place. So the night passed, and I hadn't said any of the millions of things that I wanted to share with him. I don't thinK I've ever felt so confused. I could have grabbed him and told him everything, but it just didn't happen.

 

The next day we went back to the closest city, Salzburg, and we went out. Being something of a lightweight, I got drunk and broke the number one rule of all relationships - strained or not. I did the drunken phone-call thing. I cried and cried, and he just didn't comfort me at all. I mean, he tried to - he said all the right things - that he loves me, misses me etc. But it was just awful, and I don't think I can explain why.

 

Now I'm coming to the conclusion that it's the fact that I know it's over and know I can't accept it, which is truly upsetting me. I can't explain myself properly, but I'll try - it's like I miss the way he was, and the way I was with him, and the way we were together before. I don't miss who he was last week, I just miss the past and I'm terrified to let it go. Despite my living in Bavaria and he in Austria, I know that if I let this go now then I'll never see him again, unless I make it happen. And I don't know if I'm ready to make that huge leap, even though part of me knows it's the only way. I can't just walk away from this...but I do all the running, and even I can see that he's treating me like dirt and dangling me on a string. He says he'll call me back and doesn't, sends messages saying that he loves me...but like I said to him the other night, I don't feel that, and I don't think he shows it to me. If this was a year ago or if this was someone else, I'd be saying "are you stupid?" but when it's you it's so hard to leave love behind, even if it is so much stronger on one side. In fact, I've said to friends who've been in similar situations that they're total idiots, and felt like slapping them when they behaved as I am. It's impossible to follow your head when your heart isn't ready to detach - but I WANT to.

 

So, I know I didn't ask any questions really, I just need some insight into why I'm doing this to myself, to him (because I know it's not fair to him to have me being like this, too) and making myself feel so miserable and worthless!? Any perspective would help, because my friends and family are just in the "are you crazy?" phase at the moment - and if I talk about it anymore they're likely to have me locked away.

 

Thanks in advance for any replies and sorry it's so long, I know it's horrifically boring to read this kind of rambling rubbish, but if anyone's brave enough then I truly would be grateful.

[Oxydol]

You are grieving over the loss of a relationship. Part of that is confusion and a whole lot of unanswered questions. Give yourself some time to mourn your loss.

And for gawd's sake, have NO more contact with this guy. I understand that the pull is great, but you must resist it otherwise your wounds won't be able to heal.

 

Believe me when I tell you that what you are going through is not unlike what most people go through. The situations might be unique but the feelings are the same.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself you ask? Well, there could be many explanations. You wrote of how wonderful things were in the past with him. Undoubtedly, you want all of that back and how those things made you feel. But, unfortunately, you can seldom, if ever recapture the past. You cannot see it now, but you will find something similar and hopefully better with another in the future.

 

As for the ex-boyfriend. Don't waste your charms and love on him. It's obvious he has another agenda in life and it doesn't include being someone whom you deserve.

 

If you begin to feel overwhelmed that you simply cannot cope, then you may need to talk to a professional who can help sort through the myriad of thoughts and doubts that are going through your brain.

 

Take care.