nordicbeauty Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I need help.... Been on and off with this guy for the last 5 years. Can easily say he was the love of my life but ended up wanting different things and it came to a point when I wanted more...which he couldn't give me. So I broke it off. Probably hoping he would some to his senses and get me back...of course he didn't...but he always said he wanted me as a part of his life. And I couldn't imagine my life without him. At the same time we broke up, everything else in my life fell to pieces..and I needed his friendship more than ever...instead he would distance himself from me...now it's gotten to the point when he won't even speak to me. Says we need space..but how can we need space when I need his support more than ever. But he doesn't understand this (or maybe he does, but just don't give a ****). I don't want to get back with him as I realise we are on different wavelenghts and it wouldn't work..but I really can't not have him in my life! He was my everything and now he's not even there at all? How do you cope with that? He was my best friend... Now he doesnt give a ****? I don't understand...how can you go from caring about and loving someone, to not give a damn? Hurts soo much...how do I go on? I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel...it's been 7 months like this now...getting worse by the day. I am soooo fed up with crying everyday!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Says we need space..but how can we need space when I need his support more than ever. Is it possible that he needs space to take better care of himself, which perhaps he has been neglecting due to supporting and "being there" for you? Have you considered getting the support you need from other sources? An "issue-specific" support group, counselor, family, friends, faith-based comunity, etc. "Caretaking" other adults, whether emotional needs of friends or physical needs of aging parents, can be extremely exhausting and depleting -- and still having to take care of own obligations, job, etc. It is a LOT to put on one person. It's also a good reason to ensure that we have a large enough support network...to be able to spread all our neediness and insecurities around, so it doesn't drain just one person. Link to post Share on other sites
JadedHeart Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Let me get this straight.. You broke up with him?? You broke his heart, and now you want him to be your girl friend and comfort you? Now he won't even speak to you? I don't blame him... It's probably because he does not want to waste his time... what does he get from being just friends with you? Or maybe it could be he really deeply loves you and that was his only choice? How would you feel if the love of your life one day decided it's not going to work out but wanted to keep you in their life as only a friend. Do you have any idea how much it hurts? He needs to move on and heal, the only way for him to do that is to cut all contact with you. You decided to break up with him for your own reasons, don't play the friend card and try to use him for emotional support, it's a very selfish thing to do. If you are going through rough times I'm sure your friends and family will be there for you. I really think he loves you too much that's why he doesn't want to speak to you, because I'm sure every time he does, it only hurts. Best of luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 You said that you couldn't understand how he could go from caring to "not giving a damn"? Isn't that the same thing you did to him? You went from being his girlfriend to dumping him, and you expect him to crawl back when ever you need a shoulder to cry on? Any issues from this are ones that YOU created. You need to treat people better, if you want them to treat you better. Link to post Share on other sites
DJMarky Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Sounds like your ex should be the one posting here about how he got his heart broken and now his ex wants to use him as emotional support, but he can't deal with it. What should he do? And everyone would say, 'Go NC'. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 The above posters are a bit harsh... OP, you need to stop contradicting yourself. If you broke things off, you need to move on. You said you both are on different wavelengths, you can't expect him to give you support. You need to support yourself. Wasting time thinking about him won't bring you happiness. I remember when I ended things with my ex, one of my closest friends told me not to to waste my time on him. Those weren't her exact words, but I truly understand that one's life does not revolve another. There are other things where you can spend your energy on rather than pining on a lost love. There will always be other people to build relationships with. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 It's just not reasonable to expect ex's to be a support system. I suspect that he needs space in order to get over the relationship. As others have said, it's better for you to find others to support you. He's not your bf anymore, so as much as it hurts- it can't be his job to be a support system anymore. It's would be too hard to be in his position and remain entangled with you. This is what he wants, what he needs- even though it hurts, you should repsect his wishes and leave him be. Link to post Share on other sites
AMM003 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 5 years is a long time. The pain and emptiness your ex is probably excruciating. He is probably trying to do his best to move on. My ex-gf broke up with me after almost 6 years - for another guy . I was 2 months from proposing to her on our then planned vacation. I would think getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick would be less painful than having any contact with her now. I think its best to leave him be for a while. The other posters are absolutely correct. It's time to spend your energy on yourself, find other support systems, and understand that he should be left alone. I feel for you and I am sorry for your pain as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nordicbeauty Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 I think you've all misunderstood me. Probably my fault as I was very upset when I wrote that. I broke up with him because he was messing about behind my back, as well as not wanting to commit. Major trust issue...and I had good reasons for "being paranoid" as he liked to call it. Through our 5 year relationship he left me TWICE for other women..only to come back to me. After I broke up with him we got back together briefly once...as I didn't really want to not be with him. But then pretty quickly found out he was messing about behind my back and then HE ended it...because "he thought i deserve better". Classic line I know...so don't make him out to be some heartbroken saint cos that's far from the truth! Never have I treated him badly or gone behind his back. To this day I have always, always been there for him. To answer the first poster...I'm not in general a needy person who constantly moans to other people(hence i prefer to post here as I don't go around to people at work with my problems). In the relationship I was the stronger person, looking after him rather than the other way around. There wasnt many times even during our relationship that he was there for me. For example, Once I had to go to hospital in an ambulance with heart problems and when I called him he was out at the pub and wouldn't even come to the hospital to be with me!!! I guess that says it all really. Why should he be there for me now when he never was to begin with... But that's the upsetting bit...even tho I broke it off originally, it doesn't make it any easier or less hurtful. But I deserve much better than being cheated on and lied to...no matter how much it breaks my heart... Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I hear what you're saying Nordic. I had to argue with my STBX wife to get her to stay with me when I went to the hospital to have an operation. She thought it wasn't important and wanted to go back to work while I was on the table. I was freaking and wanted her to be there. It made me feel better knowing she was there. I went to countless procedures with her for support. It kinda sums it all up when you sit back and realize that you care enough about them to be there for them but they won't be there for you. No matter what they SAY. Keep your chin up. Every cloud has a silver lining. Besides, who really wants a cheater? Someone you always have to wonder with? You sound like you deserve better than that. Now all you need to do is convince yourself of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 it is hard for me to have sympathy for you, because my ex did pretty much the same thing (and hooked with somebody else on top of that), and then wanted me back - as it turned out out of pretty similar selfish reasons you have. Do you not understand that when you break up with someone that's a big deal? This is not something you can dial down by saying "if you only understood how i felt?". Link to post Share on other sites
Biggie25x Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 She didn't sound like she was asking for sympathy but to try to understand. My wife is currently divorcing me so I know the pain, I'm living it every hour of every day. I also know he chose to go back. I know he chose to cheat she didn't cheat. That was not her choice. Instead, if he wasn't interested he should have told her like an adult rather that cheating on her like a....well like a cheater and liar. That was his doing. If she hurt him too much when they split he should have never gone back. She is trying to come to grips with that. If he cheated to get back at her for the break up-shame on him and she's better off without him. I think sam you need to read the post before you compare your situation to hers. It sucks that your wife did that to you, but that same thing was done to her and you attack her for it. You should be attacking him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 ...he was out at the pub and wouldn't even come to the hospital to be with me!!! I guess that says it all really. Why should he be there for me now when he never was to begin with... That's it, exactly! Expecting anything different from him now is just setting yourself up for more disappointment, frustration and pain. I know it's not always easy to let go of our expectations, but maybe it'll help to remind yourself that he just doesn't have it in him to provide what you need. Definitely you do deserve much better...but he's not the person who is capable of giving that to you. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nordicbeauty Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 To Sam, Do you think I broke up with someone I loved with all my heart for no reason? I didn't have a choice! He never made time to see me, everything else was more important, I was with him 5 years and he didn't even want to move in with me, nor tell people he had a girlfriend, made plans that didn't include me, got upset when I was upset (cos he reckoned I should constantly be happy and unbeat and if I wasnt, I shouldnt bother him with it!), he would go for coffee's with girls who fancied him and saw NOTHING wrong with this and many other things involving other girls that most people would consider cheating. Do you call that a relationship? And Im the one in the wrong here? He broke my ****ing heart... But to the clever person for the last post...you're right. I don't know why I'm expecting him to be there when he never has been...don't even know why i want him in my life when I think of how I was treated...but still do and still miss him like mad..and hate myself for it.... Link to post Share on other sites
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