follow-up to a break-up

[Rilke-boy]

Hi All,

 

I hope this message finds everyone well.

 

Well, I've hit the two-month mark of my break-up with my ex-girlfriend, and I'd say that things are definitely better than they were. I'm sorting out

what really happened, and I think it's become quite clear. I was on medication while we were dating that reduced my anxiety about stuff, psychotic stuff, particularly being a truthful person. I had lied a lot in the past, and the result of that was when I chose to stop lying about stuff, I was worried that everything that came out of my mouth had to be true, so I spent a great deal of time worrying that everything that I said to her was 100% true. I soon became accustomed to life's little imperfections, and am now comfortable with everything that comes out of my mouth. This happened during our relationship. And while it was a huge step for me, apparently it came too late, because she decided to break up with me roughly a month after all of this. What my therapist says is that the fact that I chose to come off the medication while I was dating this girl was probably one of the reasons why she couldn't handle the intensity of the relationship. I am now back on medication, tho it is a minimal dose of Zyprexa, an atypical antipsychotic. It's fine for the time being, tho I don't expect to take it for the rest of my life and my therapist says that he sees no reason that I should be taking it for the rest of my life. I just have a lot of stuff to work through, related to a hospitalization for delusions. My mom threatened to poison my food, and that was enough to send me over the edge. She's probably a latent psychotic herself. So that's the back story. That happened in February of 2001.

 

I don't know whether or not I want her back. I doesn't seem to be an option right now, and in fact, I'd say that I'm no longer physically attracted to her. Her butt is too big, to be honest. It was one of those things that I was willing to tolerate during the relationship, because I thought she was the one, but I think that what was also going on was that I was making too many concessions to this girl because she came along at a point in my life where I was going through something big, and since she witnessed it and supported me through it for part of the time (thought I would say that I made sure that she only dealt with the stuff that she was supposed to deal with most of the time, not stuff that my therapist was supposed to deal with, and that I was making my best effort to make sure that she only dealt with the stuff that she was supposed to deal with, and that I was still in the learning phase when we broke up and then I became comfortable with everything that came out of my mouth, which obviated the need for that anyway), I assigned increased value to the relationship. As in, she was the girl who had supported me through this, who had believed in me during the most difficult period of my life, pretty much, and therefore could be the one I could spend the rest of my life with.

 

So that's the rub. I guess my real question here is about coping strategies. I've now gotten to the point where whenever I think about her and wince inwardly, I just tell myself that I was in love with an idea more than a reality. Which is the truth; I think that my vision was clouded by the events that I discussed before. So are there any suggestions out there for any other coping strategies?

 

I sent her a letter about a month ago via email, so maybe she hasn't received it, but I thought I would share it with all of you. Maybe she hasn't gotten it yet, but I wish she would answer. Maybe it's just that I want some sort of contact. Maybe it is that I want her back. I've forgotten what she looks like. I saw this girl walking down the street the other day with her build and her blonde hair, and my heart flopped down into my stomach. I know I need to move on, but I can't make myself think that if she came up to me tomorrow and said that she wanted to work things out, I wouldn't give her a chance. Sometimes I think that this big butt thing is just some sort of excuse, some sort of revenge. Against her for breaking up with me. I thought she was beautiful when I first met her, but I never got a good look at her body before we became involved in a relationship. I don't understand what's happening to me. I love her and hate her at the same time. I think of her in the good moments (tho there were few, since they were so fraught with anxiety most of the time). I think of her in bed. I still masturbate and think about her. So, she is indelibly printed in my mind.

 

She was also irrational. When I asked her why I couldn't be an emotional constant in her life when she had to make a big decision about her career and the rest of her life in terms of moving, she just told me that she didn't know, that maybe she was scared. That's the best answer she could give me. If I had decided to end the relationship, that would've been fine. But the fact that she decided to end the relationship without a rational reason really bothers me. She said that she felt in her gut that she didn't like me any more romantically. I always say that there's a difference between what you feel in your gut and in your heart. Other people tell me that there's no difference, but I say that the gut is instinct, while the heart is the union of instinct and intellect. And that's what I felt for this girl. Heart. It was the first time that I ever looked at a girl and felt like my heart was broken in two and then the thought flashed into my head: "The rest of my life with her." So besides the fact that she said that she was having trouble dealing with anxiety, there was this x-factor, this irrational element to her decision. I told her that I was running out of patience right before we broke up, and I was ready to give her two more days at that point for us to start discussing things or we would have to break up. I don't understand it. I improved myself greatly for this girl, this #$%#%^&^%&*%&* (see my anger? Those are expletives deleted. I feel such a strange combination of love and hate), and she walks out on me?

 

So, I don't know. Here's the letter I sent to her. The only thing I've changed are the names to protect identities:

 

Dear Cassandra,

 

I emailed Cleopatra a while ago to make sure that you were doing O.K., and she said that you were in transition in every way possible, but that she thought that you were doing better than you had been doing this spring and the fall before that. It made me happy to hear that. So, I want to say that though I am still experiencing feelings of anger toward you and toward what happened between us, I am glad that you are undertaking that all-important journey of self-discovery. My thoughts are with you in that transitional, tumultuous, but ultimately rewarding time.

 

I'm reading a book by Joseph Campbell right now called "The Hero With a Thousand Faces" (I think I told you a bit about him once), and in it he speaks about how we are all the heroes in our own lives, and how we all go through certain processes of initiation in our lives, and pass into different stages in our lives. There was a quote which I found particularly apt for your situation, in a section named "The Call to Adventure": "But whether small or great, and no matter what the stage or grade of life, the call [to adventure] rings up the curtain, always, on a mystery of transfiguration - a rite, or moment, of spiritual passage, which, when complete, amounts to a dying and birth. The familiar life horizon has been outgrown; the old concepts, ideals, and emotional patterns no longer fit; the time for the passing of a threshold is at hand."

 

So that's it, just a bit of unsolicited advice. I still care for you very much, and i hope that you are on the road to happiness and actually, I hope that you've realized that the road to happiness is happiness itself, because that's what i've realized.

 

Love,

Rilke

 

I would love to hear from her. Maybe I would take her back. I haven't even heard back from her with this email, and I sent it on July 31. She was supposedly travelling around some area that I don't want to disclose, and then going to maybe live with her brother. Do you guys think I should ask a friend of hers where she is? My fear is that I will subconsciously try to follow her, because I tried to before when we were about to break up. She was saying that she wanted to leave the place where we were both living, and I told her that I would follow her if I could, and she said that she though that she didn't want me to follow her or that she didn't want me to follow her (one of the two; don't remember which). She was having bad migraines, so that's why she wanted to leave. That hurt so much, to hear that she didn't want me to follow her. I get the sense sometimes that she wasn't being completely straightforward with me about stuff, that she was perhaps softening the blow, that she really wanted to break up with me because of my mental illness completely. She broke up with me over the phone, which I found to be disrespectful. And tacky. So disrespectful.

 

So what do I do now? Just wait for her answer. The last thing I want to be is the harassing ex-boyfriend. i just want her to be happy, but I get the sense that we could've been so happy together. I guess I just need more therapy, but honestly, I feel like I'm at point in my life where I'm more confident than I've ever been. So what's the point of letting therapy get in the way of a relationship? I understand that the two can ride in tandem, so I suppose that the better question is, how can I prove to this girl that I'm much better? I'd even be willing to go long-distance with her. It's not like I have the plague or something; I will get better. These moments are of weakness, tho, I think sometimes, that if she were to come up to me and say that she wanted to try things again, then I would just meet her with a cold stare and not be interested in her. I just feel like I really have to see her to know, to really say good-bye or hello. I don't know. But there's something about physical presence, the warmth of it, which is so important to me. So that's the issue. Maybe I just need a proper good-bye. Do you guys feel that it was unfair of her to break up with me over the phone? Do you feel that I'm entitled to a proper good-bye? I hate this. OK, I'll cut it short - ha ha. short. that's funny. Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any help. Rilke-boyee

[Bill]

Do you feel that I'm entitled to a proper good-bye?

 

Lies...

 

I'm not going to say that all lies are 100% bad, as some have reasons behind them.

 

You said that you could lie without remorse a while ago. How could someone trust you again? There is no good reason for you to lie; no good intention deep down.

 

I think you are worrying way too much and are expecting way too much from this girl. If you got a phone call, you were lucky to get that, as most get LESS. You are for some reason counting the days since your breakup very closely. YOU were the one who gave her an ultimatum. You don't deserve anything more there, she is as good as gone.

 

Don't fret over this when you were the one who made her leave. If anyone was the deciding factor it was you. I don't believe in doctors having to talk to people to get them to act normally. You need the solve these problems yourself.

 

though I am still experiencing feelings of anger toward you and toward what happened between us, I am glad that you are undertaking that all-important journey of self-discovery.

 

This from your letter also shows that you deserve nothing more from her. Just let her be.

 

If you two were meant to be, you'd be together, and you'd both want to be together. A relationship takes two, not one.

[Rilke-boy]

the lying did not occur in the context of our relationship. those were things that I went through before the relationship. perhaps there were a few fibs told in the relationship. in actuality, the only thing I can think that she didn't know about that i had been dishonest about is the following: once someone commented to me that i looked like a young kennedy. this made me feel good. i told her about it twice, and the second time that i told her about it, she said that i must've liked it. i felt embarassed because i thought that she would think i was too vain if i said yes, so i said no and said that i didn't like it, and i said that i didn't like it particularly because there were some class connotations behind it, given that my doorman was the one who said it to me. i don't feel comfortable about the fact that i have doormen in the building that i live in, but that's another story.

 

the only other lies i ever told her, and she quickly found out shortly thereafter that they were lies, were:

1. on our first date, i told her that i had gone to a jazz club that i really hadn't gone to because i wanted to appear cool in front of her and,

2. she asked me one time whether my stepmom was an angry person, and i lied and said that she wasn't because i was still embarassed about having a past history of abuse and other difficult family stuff like neglect.

 

so, see for yourself if this behavior qualifies me for her behavior. i'll give you an example of something she lied about. roughly one month prior to our relationship ending, she was on a vacation and told me that she missed me when indeed she didn't miss me. don't you think that's a bit more hurtful to the relationship than the lies that i told her? in fact, i would probably qualify what i told as fibs. the truth is the truth, yes, but there are degrees of truth. her telling me that she didn't miss me would have likely prepared me in a greater fashion for the break-up.

 

so i guess that the real question is not her trusting me again. because for all intents and purposes, i never lied to her.

 

another correction: perhaps i wasn't clear on this, and if so, i apologize. i never got the chance to give her the ultimatum. i told her that i was running out of patience with regard to talking about what was going on in her head, and that's essentially when she broke up with me. i never got to deliver the ultimatum. i merely said that i was running out of patience, which was true. she had pulled the distancing move for about the past two months while she made a decision about grad school, and she herself commented about how i could take all of this distancing. it took some distancing on my part (physically, that is, we lived in the states and i went to england on business) to realize that i was running out of patience. i listened to my dreams, and with a lot of introspection, realized that the emotional burden was way too high to deal with it for much longer.

 

most get less? then most get f%^&ed in a serious way. what a lack of common decency.

 

as for not believing in doctors talking to people to get them to act normally: i think it's well and good when you've had a stable upbringing to be able to say that. unless you're a psychopath, of course. or a sociopath. then there's no excuse, not even a stable upbringing, for you being out in society. however, i will tell you that i was in a situation where i couldn't come out of my apartment because i thought my mother was coming to kill me. how would you propose that i solve that, bill? call the police? in fact, i did dial 911. and i ended up in the hospital, not in witness protection. i put myself in the hands of the state, and the state decided that there was no perceivable threat from my mother, and that therefore my fears were irrational. therefore, off to the hospital i went. so who do you believe in, bill? yourself? that's great. i believe in myself too. however, i also believe that due to the fact that i did not receive NORMAL (oh yeah, there's that word youi used before) amounts of affection from my parents, i did things like lying and stealing. lying: to make myself look better, because i wasn't confident that the real me was worth it. and why, in my mind, was the real me not worth it? because i didn't receive that affection, that affirmation from my parents early on in life. stealing: i wanted to take something from the world, something that i saw all my friends getting. that something? love. but i couldn't get it. so i drowned myself in possessions, other people's possessions. qed, bill.

 

and i deserve nothing more from her because i'm angry at her, bill? anger is a natural emotion, bill. just because i'm angry at her, doesn't mean i don't still love her and care for her. i think that's evidenced in my letter. the anger may be my problem. and i'm certainly not asking her to deal with it. i'm just being honest about the way i feel. honesty, bill. remember what i discussed above?

 

if we were meant to be, we'd be together? circular logic, perhaps. or just a philosophy that encourages passivity?

 

i might take your advice to let her be; in fact, i definitely will for the time being. that's why i'm asking around on this forum. but based on the rest of your letter, i think i'll hold out for something better. your understanding of mental illness is narrow in scope and narrow-minded, and your lack of understanding of honesty about emotions shows an underdeveloped sense of emotions. so back to the drawing board, bill.

 

maybe in your world most men get less than a phone call. but in my world, that's not acceptable. did that happen to you bill? how many times did it happen to you? i'd be interested to know.

 

doctors (certain types of doctors) help people figure out why stuff happened so that they can better understand their own lives and destrcutive patterns within their lives. psychotherapists, psychoanalysts, and psychologists do this too. i suggest you do a little reading up on it before you comment any further on this matter. case closed.

[midori]

It sounds like you are dwelling on this way too much. The mix of anger and love you seem to be feeling at the moment is perfectly normal, it's a sign that you are moving on and that's good. To scrutinize every fleeting thought and emotion, and question whether or not you "ought" to feel this way or that will ultimately get you nowhere. It's hard when a break-up happens in a way you weren't expecting, I know, believe me. It's hard to let go when you feel that you had things to say that were never voiced. And it's hard to not engage in "what-if's." But you have to move on.

 

Your ex-girlfriend has her own thing going on; don't presume that it has much, if anything, to do with you -- or that she will appreciate your unsolicited advice (which, hate to say it, seemed rather condescending to this outsider. I'm sure you meant well but ...). You haven't heard from her; perhaps that's because she doesn't want to hear from you anymore, or at least not right now. You've got to respect that, and respecting that doesn't mean sending her another letter saying, "well I guess you don't want to communciate with me and I want you to know that I respect that," and then blaming her when she doesn't reply.

 

It sounds like you've got more than enough to worry about on your own behalf. It's good to be concerned about other people, especially loved ones, but being concerned about them doesn't mean you're the expert on them and their issues, or that you ought to dwell on their behavior toward you until your brooding drives you (and them) insane. She has made it clear that for the time being she wants to be left alone. So leave her alone. Even though you think that things would be different if only you got to say x, y and z to her. She's not open to listening to you right now, and a message delivered to deaf ears might as well not be delivered. So in the meantime why don't you get out of the house, do things that will take your mind off yourself and prevent you from dwelling so much. Try spending an evening where you do nothing but listen to the people around you -- male or female, friend or aquaintance -- and say little if anything yourself, and even less ABOUT yourself. You might find that you enjoy yourself more that way sometimes. And you will be doing something constructive to expand your horizons and move away from the pain of your break-up.

 

Good luck

[Rilke-boy]

hi midori, thanks for the advice.

 

To scrutinize every fleeting thought and emotion, and question whether or not you "ought" to feel this way or that will ultimately get you nowhere.

 

I don't think I ever questioned whether or not I should feel a certain way or not. I think it's more that I'm confused about my emotions; in other words, why am I feeling this way? And as far as scrutinizing every fleeting thought and emotion: that's the way I operate. I feel something, I like to know why I'm feeling it. I think something, I like to know why I'm thinking it. Unless I'm with friends and we're just f***ing around.

 

 

Your ex-girlfriend has her own thing going on; don't presume that it has much, if anything, to do with you -- or that she will appreciate your unsolicited advice (which, hate to say it, seemed rather condescending to this outsider. I'm sure you meant well but ...).

 

I'd like you to elaborate on your ellipsis a little more. Why did you think my letter was condescending? Don't you agree that the road to happiness is happiness itself? My ex-girlfriend needed to undergo a journey of self-exploration, and the quote that I sent to her, well, I thought it would help. She herself said that she was undergoing a journey of self-exploration. She was going to go to grad school for one thing and then decided that she didn't want to.

 

respecting that doesn't mean sending her another letter saying, "well I guess you don't want to communicate with me and I want you to know that I respect that," and then blaming her when she doesn't reply.

 

That wouldn't be the purpose of my letter at all. I would say to her that I needed a proper good-bye, if I were to send anything to her.

 

It sounds like you've got more than enough to worry about on your own behalf. It's good to be concerned about other people, especially loved ones, but being concerned about them doesn't mean you're the expert on them and their issues, or that you ought to dwell on their behavior toward you until your brooding drives you (and them) insane.

 

The only reason I dwell on her behavior is to find an explanation for her behavior and so I don't make the same mistake again. I'm tired of dealing with irrational women, so I figure that the best way to avoid them is to understand why I got in a relationship with the last one I was in a relationship with. As far as my emotions go, I can't help what I feel and therefore I can't help brooding when I feel that way.

 

So in the meantime why don't you get out of the house, do things that will take your mind off yourself and prevent you from dwelling so much. Try spending an evening where you do nothing but listen to the people around you -- male or female, friend or acquaintance -- and say little if anything yourself, and even less ABOUT yourself. You might find that you enjoy yourself more that way sometimes. And you will be doing something constructive to expand your horizons and move away from the pain of your break-up.

 

Hmm, this might be good advice. However, I am a big fan of talking through stuff. I find that talking and communication are the important things in this life. If I feel a certain way, I'm certainly not going to fake it and act like I don't feel that way. So I don't know. I don't like having to keep my mouth shut about stuff. That's not my style. However, I soon intend to take a vacation by myself, and that might truly help things. I will be going to somewhere that we were intending to go together to, and tho it is against the advice of my therapist and my father, I really feel like it's what I need. I really wanna learn how to surf, and I intend to do that while I'm there. It'll be like taking that place that belonged to us and making it mine. So maybe there I'll get a chance to just shut up and let go. I still think that she owes me a proper good-bye. I know that based on this break-up, if I ever (God forbid) have to break up with someone in the future, I'll definitely do it in person and never over the f***ing phone.