jc Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I'm sure there is a similar list somewhere on the coping forum...but I don't feel like looking through tons of old posts to find it AND I think that making a new list (rather than just re-reading a past one) could be helpful. Here are some of the things I've thought of (and may even try this week if I can get myself out of bed and off of LS)... 1. Making positive affirmations for myself (ex. I am strong, I am patient, I am ready to move on, etc.). I've done this in the past and it can be very empowering to create your life, rather than just having it 'happen' to you. I don't have any concrete evidence that this works, but cognitively, it can't be a bad thing! Make sure that you write your affirmations in the PRESENT tense, not the future (ie. don't write "I will be happy", write "I am happy"). 2. Trying to stop the negative cycle of obsessive thinking (ie. if only I hadn't said this/done this/ever met him, etc.). I have a REALLY difficult time with this one, I have even tried saying "STOP" to myself out loud to stop the train of thought (and have had limited success with this and sometimes just give in to the thoughts because I'm too tired not to). 3. Do things that you typically enjoy, such as reading or playing the piano or baking. This isn't easy either. I'm the type who has difficult getting out of bed after a break up, it doesn't feel like there is much point, and all of the things that I typically enjoy don't feel enjoyable. But I think maybe my brain remembers at some level that I DO like to do these things, and I almost think of it as having to re-train my brain to enjoy these things again. 4. Watch a movie or a tv show. Preferably something funny (at least for me). 5. Sing out loud. (I have been trying not to listen to my favorite music because I know from my last serious breakup, all that music was tainted by reminders of the heartbreak whenever I've listened to it since. But that's just me). 6. Pray if you believe in god. I personally talk to my angels and my grandparents who have passed away. Maybe there's no one actually listening, but at least I don't feel so alone in the moment. 7. Exercise. (Why is this one so hard for me? Why?) But it does seem to work for a lot of people. I'm going to try to focus more on this over the next week. 8. Writing my thoughts into my journal. This has ranged from listing all the things I loved about my ex, to all the things I hate about my ex and why I'm better off without him, to things I have learned and will try to do better next time. 9. Make a daily schedule and get into a routine (ex. wake up, read for 20 minutes, go to work, meet so-and-so for dinner, watch one tv show, exercise, say affirmations, browse LS for only one hour, not 3, lol). At least with a schedule I feel like the entire day is not looming before me, with all those hours to fill, time that would have been filled partly with my ex's presence. 8. Make plans with friends. Let them know that you are having a rough time and would appreciate some company, even just meeting for a coffee to chat. So that's all I can think of for now....if anyone has other methods/ideas/strategies that have helped them to cope, please share! Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenHearted09 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 JC, your post was very helpful and I believe in some of the things you mention to do to cope. I am getting out of a relationship and it's really hard for me to cope even when I wanted out. Link to post Share on other sites
Ingenue Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Good list JC. Journalling, friends and working out are all great ways to cope. I'd also like to add to the list, the power to forgive. I've realised in past days, in light of recent developments, that the power to forgive is paramount to coping. Forgiving is part of letting go. It's part of becoming a better person than the person you're forgiving and understanding that the things that once tore us down, no longer have the power to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
LiveandLearn Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I'd also like to add to the list, the power to forgive. I've realised in past days, in light of recent developments, that the power to forgive is paramount to coping. Forgiving is part of letting go. It's part of becoming a better person than the person you're forgiving and understanding that the things that once tore us down, no longer have the power to do so. Amen to that!! That is the hardest thing to do as well, especially since you're hurting and your emotions get in the way of allowing you to forgive. I, myself, haven't reached that point yet, but I am striving for it. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Great list and wonderful advice. Making positive affirmations for myself (ex. I am strong, I am patient, I am ready to move on, etc.). I've done this in the past and it can be very empowering to create your life, rather than just having it 'happen' to you. I don't have any concrete evidence that this works, but cognitively, it can't be a bad thing! Make sure that you write your affirmations in the PRESENT tense, not the future (ie. don't write "I will be happy", write "I am happy"). Yes, in yoga it's called a san calpa. It must be in the present tense and contain no negative words. Make it your mantra. I'll just add one more. Go out on a date. Any date. It helps tremendously. As does everything else that you mentioned. I am not particularly religious but talking to the dead and angels is what I also often do when I am in distress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jc Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Logic puzzles or crosswords or any kind of brain game! You have to focus on these so much that you can't think about your ex and how much pain you are in. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 5. Sing out loud. Some lyrics to sing: I'm going to harden my heart, I'm going to swallow my tears, I'm going to turn and leave you here... Link to post Share on other sites
hereandnow Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 I've begun work on a novel. It really helps to focus on something. Inventing a story arc, worrying about tense, etc. are really good and distracting. Of course, I'm almost 2 months out of the break and only just starting this. At first going out, going out, going out and staying out were my best ways of coping. Link to post Share on other sites
Diamonds&Rust Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 At first, I really preferred substance abuse and self destruction. Now I'm trying throwing myself into writing and exercise and nutrition, but so far it does seem less rewarding. Except it looks much better on paper, and sustainability is nice. Link to post Share on other sites
EmperorR Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 I agree about the forgiveness, the anger bitterness resentment is only hurting you not your ex. Even though my ex cheated on me, lied to me and dumped me, I told her forgave her even though I said it because I wanted her back at that time LOL. But I did learn to forgive her for real, but that doesn't mean ill be her friend now or ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jc Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 I don't think I've made it to the forgiveness stage yet either. But that's okay, maybe I'll get there someday. I hope I do, because I'd rather be free of all of the bitterness, rather than carry it forward with me. I just wish I understood what happened, how things were so good and then he just shut off. Yesterday was a bit of a better day anyways. I carried a notepad and a pen in my purse and every time I felt like I was going to burst into tears I started writing how I felt. I made a list of why things wouldn't have worked. I made a list of things I've learned from this relationship. I made a list of what I would like to happen in the future. I listed and listed and listed. And I probably only cried 5 times yesterday instead of 25 like the day before:) Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 dont take life too seriously, you wont get out alive? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 One word: yoga. Also, I'm thinking about putting back a few dollars a day and posting pics all over my apartment of places where I want to travel. It will keep me from blowing money on cabs and restaurants, and it will give me something to look forward to. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 And I probably only cried 5 times yesterday instead of 25 like the day before See? That's how it happens, the healing, I mean. You cry less and less, you think of them less and less and before you know it, you don't think of them at all..or hardly..and then, even if you do, it's not like a dagger slicing through your heart anymore. Before you know it, you let go off the pain and when you do, that's when life starts all over again . Link to post Share on other sites
nana yaw II Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 - talk with family/friends or those close to you about problems - engage in things you enjoy to take one's mind off of problems - think positive - rationalize problems and the magnitude of problems. Being stressed over small problems is time wasted, and time is precious. Link to post Share on other sites
MWH Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 For me, right now, I'm keeping it REAL simple: -Eat well. Healthy meals and healthy snacks. -Sleep well. I nap when I'm tired and I go to bed at a decent hour. -Write in my journal as I have for many years. -Deep-clean my home -Tend my animals. -Stay away from alcohol and other mind/mood altering things. -Prayer and meditation. -Maintain 100% no contact and do not entertain thoughts any thoughts in that regard. -Play guitar/compse/record music. -Give thanks for what I DO have rather than what I don't have. -Reach out on this and another message board for help when I need it and offer my experience, streangth, and hope to others that are struggling. It looks like a long list but it's not- these are things that I should be doing whether I'm hurtin' or not! Peace to ALL! MWH Link to post Share on other sites
e.clipse Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 wow, seriously...these are some lists...whoa. mine is much more short: 1.) drugs 2.) alcohol 3.) music 'tis be all i need. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts