Update on meeting up with the ex... so why do I miss him today?

[Kamille]

Some of you might remember that two weeks ago I was debating whether or not I wanted to meet up with the ex while I was in his new town.

 

I did end up meeting him mostly because he was such an important part of my life and likely always will be. But, it didn't go well. It wasn't disastrous it was rather lackluster. I had written him an email where I wondered if we should meet considering I wasn't in the same head space anymore and that I had moved on. He replied to that email with a "I would love to show you around town", which left me feeling slightly infuriated because it didn't answer the question at all.

 

First, I show up at his place and I can tell he is nervous. The ex, when nervous, tries to calm himself down by taking control of the situation. We discussed dinner plans and parking spaces and both times he kind of *failed* to listen to me. I pointed it out and it was even more distressing for him.

 

Dinner was ok - he took my hand and I didn't pull it out, but I left it there, limp. Conversation was good... And then walking out he tried to kiss me. I simply didn't know how to react... my lips were limp. Not to mention he had only had two glass of wine in my presence but... smelled strongly of booze and cigarettes, two of the main issues of our relationship.

 

Then came the goodbyes, he invited me to stay over, but I had planned it so there was no way I could stay at his place (knowing I likely wouldn't feel like it). He tried to kiss me again, I froze again and kind of pushed him away. He commented on how 'cold' my kisses were and I said: well I told you I wasn't in the same space anymore. And we said goodbye. Yikes.

 

 

I'm realizing that I'm still angry about how our relationship unraveled and we even talked about it then. Of course, what he understood was that I'm angry at him because he hurt me so much. I feel like I'm angry at myself for not asserting my own boundaries better a lot more then I am angry at him. But that's typical of our relationship: he would always position himself as active and me as passive.

 

But then today I wake up and miss him. I feel that quizzy heartbroken feeling. I want to write to him and just have it like old times. WTF?

[shadowplay]

Some of you might remember that two weeks ago I was debating whether or not I wanted to meet up with the ex while I was in his new town.

 

I did end up meeting him mostly because he was such an important part of my life and likely always will be. But, it didn't go well. It wasn't disastrous it was rather lackluster. I had written him an email where I wondered if we should meet considering I wasn't in the same head space anymore and that I had moved on. He replied to that email with a "I would love to show you around town", which left me feeling slightly infuriated because it didn't answer the question at all.

 

First, I show up at his place and I can tell he is nervous. The ex, when nervous, tries to calm himself down by taking control of the situation. We discussed dinner plans and parking spaces and both times he kind of *failed* to listen to me. I pointed it out and it was even more distressing for him.

 

Dinner was ok - he took my hand and I didn't pull it out, but I left it there, limp. Conversation was good... And then walking out he tried to kiss me. I simply didn't know how to react... my lips were limp. Not to mention he had only had two glass of wine in my presence but... smelled strongly of booze and cigarettes, two of the main issues of our relationship.

 

Then came the goodbyes, he invited me to stay over, but I had planned it so there was no way I could stay at his place (knowing I likely wouldn't feel like it). He tried to kiss me again, I froze again and kind of pushed him away. He commented on how 'cold' my kisses were and I said: well I told you I wasn't in the same space anymore. And we said goodbye. Yikes.

 

 

I'm realizing that I'm still angry about how our relationship unraveled and we even talked about it then. Of course, what he understood was that I'm angry at him because he hurt me so much. I feel like I'm angry at myself for not asserting my own boundaries better a lot more then I am angry at him. But that's typical of our relationship: he would always position himself as active and me as passive.

 

But then today I wake up and miss him. I feel that quizzy heartbroken feeling. I want to write to him and just have it like old times. WTF?

 

Duh, girl. You miss him because you saw him again!

 

That was pretty dickish for him to try and kiss you, unless you were giving him some sign of interest. Maybe he got the wrong idea when you let him hold your hand.

[pandagirl]

It's OK to feel sad! It's normal. You remember the good times and miss that; you miss how things were. Good memories can be sad.

 

It was kind of presumptuous of him to assume he could go back to being couple-y with you. Not very respectful in my opinion.

[Kamille]

Duh, girl. You miss him because you saw him again!

 

 

That's the thing though - after meeting him, two weeks ago, I felt like that really finalized the break up. I was feeling relieved and happy it was over.

 

It was kind of presumptuous of him to assume he could go back to being couple-y with you. Not very respectful in my opinion.

 

Thanks for the words of support Panda. I now realize that he was never really good at respecting my boundaries. Instead he would put me into question. His PDAs made me uncomfortalbe and he told me it was because I was too caught up in social conventions.

 

It took awhile but I think what's going on is that I'm starting having someone in my life again.

 

But I need to thread careful. I seem to have a pattern: I pick men who make it hard for me to assert my boundaries.

[shadowplay]

That's the thing though - after meeting him, two weeks ago, I felt like that really finalized the break up. I was feeling relieved and happy it was over.

 

 

I still believe seeing him again stirred up unresolved feelings and it's the reason you're missing him right now. Sometimes there's a delayed emotional reaction to events. You might not have felt anything right after the meeting, but it set off emotional tremors in your subconscious that built until you became aware of them.

[Ingenue]

A friend told me that you never fall out of love with the people you date as adults. You just find someone you love more. It's understandable that you had these feelings for your ex. In your mind, the relationship may be over. But your ex was a part of your life and your history and your memories. Seeing him probably brought up some of those remembrances of times past.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about it, unless you start obsessing over your ex.