How do you STICK to NC!?!

[lizamcfc]

It's been 2 and a half weeks since we broke up. For the first 2 days, I couldn't accept it, then I decided to pretend all I wanted was to be friends, that didn't really work either, he told me to back off. So I didn't contact him for 3 days. Then I broke. Then we met up and he used me, basically. Then there was no contact again for 3 days. Then last night I poked him on Facebook, and once I got a response I started speaking to him on msn.

I found myself suggesting anything, things I don't want to do, like just meeting him for sex and nothing more. Just because, I can't let go, I miss him so much. And of course he agreed to that. I'm so angry at myself because I don't want to be that. But I can't stop myself from contacting him. Everytime it gets to 3 days, I feel the urge to speak to him. I just can't cope with the breakup...

We were together for 4 years, we were extremely close, saw each other every day, stayed at each other's houses every night... I can't go from that to completely nothing. How do other people do it? Cos I just feel like... I can't let him go

[babes23]

If you want things to get better, you HAVE to cut contact. My ex still wanted the sex too, no chance, i'm walking away with my head held high, you can do the same.

[Peter_pan]

firstly it sucks. i was wiv the ex for 3.2 years and i had to move out our flat to live in a room which was about 2m by 4m.

 

i missed her alot and tried going nc, but it didnt work to well as i needed stuff from the flat. once it was all taken and i heard she had a new bf that was it. cold turkey.

 

it ate me every night thinking to myself how could she do this. knowing she was with him and not me, not talking to me anymore. she didnt need me.

 

all i can tell you is that the very beginning of NC is insanely hard. use this forum for support and friends and family. they will eventually pull you through into a better state.

 

meeting him for a shag is ridiculous. your letting him have his cake and eat it.

stop that right away!

 

really really try to not contact him, youve seen how far that gets you....

 

eventually days turn into weeks and weeks into months... and your be on the road to recovery

 

x x

[lizamcfc]

meeting him for a shag is ridiculous. your letting him have his cake and eat it.

stop that right away!

 

I know... Its crazy but I just feel like... he might fall back in love with me... I know, I feel stupid for even saying it. But I can't help it. I love him so so much. I thought I'd be with him forever, he told me I was his 'perfect angel' and the 'love of his life' right up until the breakup. I can't see what changed, what happened. ARGH...

Everyone keeps telling me I'm young and I'll meet someone else (this was my first relationship, was with him from being 16) but I don't want anyone else, I want him!

[Ingenue]

It's hard to stick to NC sometimes, especially in the first few weeks. I know exactly how you're feeling liz, as my ex and I were in a 5 year relationship and he was a part of my life everyday. It's hard to lose not only your lover but also one of your best friends. But you have to do it for you, to heal yourself so that you can move on

 

As stupid as this sounds, what worked for me in the beginning was looking at a sheet of paper I printed where I copied and pasted a particularly heartless line from his break up email. The minute I read that, the urge to contact diminished. If that still didn't work, I looked at my con list of all the things that were wrong in the relationship or wrong with him. And if that didn't work, I would dredge up an email from a very level-headed friend who gave me wonderful advice about how awful my ex had treated me during the break up.

 

I'm coming up to 2 months now since the break up and I find that as the days go by, it's easier and easier to not think about my ex and not want to contact him. I've found that I have a different attitude than when I was first dumped. Initially I was devastated and thought, he's going to come back. But since then, I've adopted a more positive attitude. What's done is done. There's no sense with living in the past and trying to seek answers for what has happened. He's shown me the type of "man" he is by the way he treated me during the break up. I can only live my life in the present the best I can. I can only be accountable for my own actions the best I can.

 

Good luck with NC. If the urge ever strikes, you could always post on LS

[CaliGuy]

When you learn to love and respect yourself, you'll find no contact becomes a lot easier...

[Nikki Sahagin]

For me its some kind of tenacity and pride. But my situation is slightly different. I know he misses me, I know he wonders what i'm doing and I know he's struggling so I know we are in the exact same boat - just not together.

 

I kind of like being mysterious and having my secrets and knowing he can't know what i'm doing and knowing that that hurts him. I do want a friendship with my ex and we were best friends before and connected to each other like never before with anyone else. I've always had the feeling he was meant to be in my life and me in his but maybe just not in the way we were. So I feel I need to start from scratch and somehow, with great strength and patience, backtrack and reshape our relationship.

 

I keep to no contact because I want to show both him and myself, that I CAN go without him. I don't NEED his contact. I may want it. It may hurt. But just each day I can go without it, shows me my own strength. It shows me that no matter how great this pain and hurt, it won't kill me, because I still wake up each morning, i'm still here.

[wareagle]

Then pull up your skirt and go no contact the first thing you have to do is delete him from facebook, myspace, email, phone, anything that you can contact him through. You have to be tough! He has no respect for you if he is using you for a booty call!! Like Cali guy said you have to learn to respect yourself before he will ever respect you!! Man up and just do it!

[orangehose]

You stick to NC the way you refuse to stick your fingers into a power outlet or a pot of boiling water. I don't know, for some reason, it was never a challenge for me to stick to NC, perhaps because the ex was so mean when breaking up that I didn't want to risk getting hurt again. But for those of you whose exes spoke to you more amicably when breaking up, well, I can understand it being hard not to contact.

[kizik]

O.H.,

 

I'm chasing you around this board like an obsessed Ex.

 

While my b/u was relatively amicable, temptations to call her have been few. The reason is that this woman (immature little girl, actually) DOES NOT DESERVE an ounce of ego-feeding attention from me. Plus, I have nothing to say to her except "You're a selfish bitch."

 

For everyone -

 

the BEST and ONLY reason to stick to No Contact is b/c the alternative is MORE PAIN.

[0hpenelope]

How?

 

I remembered these things:

 

1. I don't want to be an ego booster anymore.
   
2. He doesn't need me and I don't need him.
   
3. He broke it off. He headed out the door, so I'll head out the door, too.
   
4. And these are what fuel my NC - Sheer force, Sheer will, and Self-Respect. I'm pretty sure if I can give them anthropomorphic qualities, I'll get Superman. Wait... he's an alien. So my fuel will be a lot like E.T., then.
   

I don't wish him ill things... but I don't wish him well either. I know he's doing exactly what I'm doing: being happy regardless of good or bad wishes from others. He doesn't need the whole "I wish you well" from me. I don't mean it, I don't like lying, and I'm not a martyr.

 

I don't need that line from him either. It's looking good from here.

[kizik]

He doesn't need the whole "I wish you well" from me. I don't mean it, I don't like lying, and I'm not a martyr.

 

I said "I wish you nothing but the best" to my ex. That was about one month post-. It's funny, b/c my ex actually said to me the day before our b/u, "You're not a martyr!" when I was trying to smooth things out.

 

I regret giving her that initial ego boost, but I think my two months of silence have shown her that I can physically live without her. I am trying not to beat myself up for having been so f*cking "nice."

[nopainnogain]

^^^^^ I feel ya brotha

[kizik]

Nice 2Pac quote, NPNG

[HopeDiesLast]

I'm not counting my text to the ex to call me yesterday as breaking nc....he didnt even answer me. how can someone who was so wonderful act like such a douchebag?

Why are we hung up on this one person? If he were to come back right now I'd probably hurt him physically (and not in a sexual way haha)

[changchewsoon]

My dear friend, you need to walk away with dignity and do not to let him use you. Please think about your next boyfriend, go NC completely so that you could heal and prepare yourself for the next guy.

 

You certainly do not want your future boyfriend to know what you have done and have him judge you for not loving yourself. That's going to break his heart. I agree with the rest of the LS members who replied, you need to remove him from everything. Facebook, Friendster, MySpace, MSN everything.

 

My ex of 4.5 years cheated on me, it was hard for me to let go and I constantly had the urge to get in touch with her. Like how you felt, going from everything to zero is very hard.

 

Well, I'm glad I maintained NC and I walked away with dignity. Had I even attempted in the past to get in touch with her, I will always be the loser and I would not be able to heal.

 

Now, I have a wonderful girlfriend who truly loves me for who I am. When I told her what happened and how I coped with it, she expressed her admiration, courage and respect for what I did. She's proud of me, and I am proud of myself too.

 

I hate to say it but your ex is low, he knew you couldn't cope with it and he took advantage of it by agreeing to have sex with you. He's not coming back to you after it. He will only continue to use you. And once he has found someone new, he's probably even going to cheat on his girlfriend to continue having sex with you. And if that happens, you would only hurt yourself even deeper.

 

You really deserve someone better. Don't trash yourself with this douche bag. Please come back to LS whenever you need any support.

[nopainnogain]

Awsome Screen name bro.

[torranceshipman]

You might actually find - once you start NC - and really commit to it - that it empowers you a bit and starts making you feel better about yourself-the more NC goes on, the easier it will be eventually to stick to as it makes you feel much more in control and proud of yourself for being dignified and strong.

 

Bizarrely, after my last break up my confidence sky rocketed (I know, go figure) and I liked the guy quite a bit too - I think it is because, for the first time ever, I walked as soon as I saw drama, didnt sit around an analyse or give 2nd chances, nothing - just walked away and let him know through my actions that I will never stick around for anything less than great treatment (he was a bit flaky, but nothing worse than that - and I still walked pronto). I guess walking off with my pride and head held high must have done me the world of good (and he keeps asking me out on a date again now, btw!). Hope that helps!

 

Really cut this guy off though as if you dont, the hooking up for sex thing will continue to happen and it'll make you feel like complete crap and completely stop you from moving on (and imagine if you havent moved on at ALL and he gets a new girlfriend, that'll hurt like hell-so start the process now!). Good luck!

[BackonTrack]

I think NC is over-rated.

My ex cheated on me & left me but never told me and kept coming around, eventually got confused and I was busy in and out of the state so I didn't really start to notice or become unhappy until the sex started to dwindle down.

 

Eventually I found out about the cheating, went mad & my ex hasn't contacted me since. Its been 5 months.

 

This may seem sad but I've been nc for a long time, I'm over it, I think about her from time to time and most of the time I tell myself "She fell in love with him" which is how I cope or understand her actions.

 

Eitherway, granted she's a whore but she was a nice person, I want to catch up with her and see how everything is going. Maybe the person that loved me is still in there, well she never really left, but pulled back allot but gave me enough to keep me on the string.

 

I don't have that anymore, LOL this sounds pathetic as I am writing this but I miss that girl. I would rather have her in my life instead of out of it.

 

But now I got nothing, on the flip side Ive had a few rebound relationships but I'm very picky and it took me 23 years to find my first love, I didnt even know I loved her until 1.3 years in which is when 'I told her but by then I already sense she was leaving me emmotionally, she already left me mentally though but at the same time she was coming back.

 

The breakup lasted a month and once I broke down, she told me to **** off and the following month that endured was hard. Its like I was addicted & obsessed with that girl & she was already on her NEW relationship, thinking what we had was the past, I didn't even know.

 

My ex fooled me dearly but at the same time she was giving me hints that we were not together. I guess I didn't want to believe or choose to ignore the signs. The sad part is, I know she loved me but she didn't want to come back. I guess she found better, I dont know.

 

I'm pass everything now & now I'm like "damn, i can't call her up anymore & she's not there for me anymore either"

 

But I suppose thats how life is, I'll have to find love elsewhere now. My ex left me, moved on & hasn't looked back, at the same time I helped her, she wanted out so bad, I just pushed her away, farther & farther & father to ensure she never looks back, even deleted all pictures of us online, I have nothing left except memories and that warm feeling of what it was once liked to be loved by another.

 

I hope to find that again some day, but as far as this particular situtation goes, baby girl go NC & heal yourself, don't have sex with him any longer as once he enteres you, your going to keep feeling for him.

 

As far as sticking to NC, well I've noticed that after the breakup, I was cool with everything, about 2 weeks later something weird happen, like i was detoixcing from drug in phases, there were about 4 phases

 

Phase1 - Contact a sense of urgency (in hindsight, my love for her for shifting)

Phase 2 - Wondering WHY

Phase 3 - Wondering what she's up too

 

As each phase came upon me over the course of 5 months, I had a urge to contact her prior to the next phase, as time goes on, the urge subsides and you move on gradually.

 

In my particular case, I had a urge to contact the ex for the last 2 weeks, I did not though, but I came pretty close & once that urge went away, I started to think about her less & less & less.

 

Now I'm at the point where I only spend about 2-3 hours of my awake time thinking about her.

 

Before it was like 9-15 hours, but now its going down. As I build more experiences in life, interact with more people & create more memories, its like what we had are now stored in the past sections of my mind to the point where what she does doesn't bother me.

[lizamcfc]

You might actually find - once you start NC - and really commit to it - that it empowers you a bit and starts making you feel better about yourself-the more NC goes on, the easier it will be eventually to stick to as it makes you feel much more in control and proud of yourself for being dignified and strong.

 

 

 

It does for the first 2 days, then I miss him like crazy. Just called him now, he didnt answer, go figure... so I left him a voice mail... he'll get back to me when he's horny

[nowhereman82]

Lizamcfs hope you aren't sleeping with him when he does...that would be pretty self destructive!

[Angel1111]

I don't think NC really applies in this case because he is the one who told you to back off and is, in a sense, creating this half-hearted NC. If it were up to you, you wouldn't even be in this situation. NC rarely works for people who are resisting it to the extent that you are. Personally, I don't really get the whole concept of NC but if it works for some people, I say more power to them. In your case, you're just setting up a deal with yourself in order to break it. This is just making things worse because you're now betraying yourself. It's kind of like telling yourself you can't have M&M's and then suddenly you want them more than ever before. So you pig out on them and then feel like a failure, while the candy gurgles undigested in your stomach.

 

NC isn't the real issue here as far as I can tell. The real issue is your lack of self-love and your willingness to sell your soul in this manner. Hopefully you'll tire of this behavior quickly. You never said what really happened between the two of you except that one minute you were a happy couple and the next you weren't. I'm finding that hard to believe and I think it would be good if you'd rewind a little and see if you can figure out what you missed. And then instead of not talking to him at all, why not pick up the phone and ask him what happened to make him walk out the door.

[lizamcfc]

No no, I don't think we were in a completely happy relationship and then it just ended abruptly. I did write a post at the beginning of the breakup but I'll retell it here.

Basically we were together 4 years; for the past 2 the relationship was extremely... fiery. There were lots of arguments, many many arguments and about 2 months ago we had the worst, hugest argument we have EVER had. He did and said some horrible, awful things and at that point, I told him I'd had enough, that things were over, I couldn't take anymore.

He begged me to give him another chance, promised to change and I took him back.

The last month of the relationship, to me WAS extremely happy. Things were like the old days, we were having a laugh together again, doing things together, spending proper quality time together instead of me just going round and him sitting on his Xbox. Then almost 3 weeks ago he dropped a bombshell on me: that he doesn't love me anymore, he hasn't for a while, he's wanted to end it for a while... there's never a chance of us getting back together... and that hurt like hell! Then we met up last week and I slept with him... he was horrible to me afterwards.... then the other night he said he'd missed me, and wanted to see me and try to work at things so I agreed and called him back when I got home, and he said he'd changed his mind, he didn't want to work on things....

So that's why I wanted to stop talking to him, I'd had enough. Anyway, yet again, there's been more developments.

We spoke on msn and the phone last night and he said he was hurt at the thought of me seeing someone else... and then he said he lied when he said he'd had no feelings for me... so we talked some more this morning and he just said that he does still have really strong feelings for me, but he doesn't want to feel like that about me. And what I can't understand is; why say that? If you have feelings for someone don't you just accept it? You don't try and rid yourself of it, unless its wrong and you shouldn't be doing it? He said that he doesn't want to get back in a relationship with me because I irritate him; he said I drive him crazy and listed things I do that annoy him... but he's still in love with me, and misses me. To me that's just crazy. Obviously when you're in a relationship, things the other person does irritate you; thats what I tried to explain to him.... Like, why end it over that?