I am completely alone without him

[Queequeg]

I can't believe this is happening. He has discovered life without me, and I am still alone. He broke up with me yesterday.

 

I was 16 when we started going out, I'm 20 now. It's been 4 and a half years. All we had was each other, we did everything together. Any friends that we had along the way we rarely saw, so it was always just the two of us.

 

Now that he has met someone else, he has realized that I'm not the only thing in the world that can make him happy. This hurts so much because he's still all I have, and the one person I look to for all of my comfort and support.

 

Being isolated, it put a lot of tension on the relationship and we fought often. Whenever we broke up, come Friday, we would be ready to take each other back. Now that he has someone else to be around, he doesn't need me to be around to comfort him.

 

I don't have that. I have no one. I am completely alone now. COMPLETELY. The only person I have around that cares about me is my Mom, and she is a wonderful, supportive person, but there are many levels of comfort that she just can't provide.

 

I just can't believe it. I don't want to accept that it's for real this time. That I will never be able to touch him again. That stings. I have always been touching him, always. It's what I'm good at. I know everything about him, his likes and dislikes, I know his body inside out. I know how he thinks and feels, his patterns. Now it's like it was all for nothing.

 

Whenever we would get back together we would make false promises of new ways of relating to each other. It would never last, and it got worse and worse as time went on. It got to the point where we would love each other one night, and then not be able to stand each other the next day. He kept telling me it has to end someday, one of us will find someone else, and one of us will get hurt. Since him saying that just became another aspect of our routine, I didn't take him seriously.

 

That's all it was. Routine. There was not one week in which drama did not come about. We had gone to counseling, and I've gone to personal counseling, but there was no real work done, and if there was, it was never enough to solve everything.

 

Even though I realize how wrong the relationship could be, I would give anything to stay with him right now. Anything just to touch him, to talk to him and feel that connection again. Anything.

 

I have suffered a lot of loss in my life, my Dad passed away 11 years ago, my close friends have all moved away, and my 13 year old cat that had been around since I was 6 died last year. It makes me feel like everything and everyone I get close to is just going to abandon me. I don't see myself getting close to anyone ever again, friend or lover.

 

He wants us to be friends, and keep up with each other in our lives. That sounds way too idealistic for me. I just know that if we continue to talk regularly, I am going to keep that false hope of reconciliation. But without him, I have no friends at all. I just have too many feelings.

 

I am going back to counseling next week, the same counselor we saw together, so she knows our history. I have a lot that I need to work on, but I'm not sure when I'll be ready for it.

 

I hope I can make it through this without a nervous breakdown.

[tonyeltiger]

Wow, that is horrible. I'm sorry for your pain. I went through a similar thing with my recent ex (only about a month ago). We both got together when we were 17 and it lasted 4 years. We broke up about 3 times for about a week, but always got abck together. This time she broke up with me (first time she did it) and has almost immediately started dating another guy. It breaks my heart to be alone while she is in a probably exciting honeymoon phase of learning everything about a new guy. And what REALLY tears me is that all of the work I did with her getting her to open herself to more physical things, he will get to reap the rewards of my efforts far faster than I did. It's hard I know. All I can say is try to move on. Maybe it won't last with this new girl and he'll come back. Maybe not. But begging for him back or something will not do you any good. If there is one thing I would do differently, it would be to have started NC right after she dumped me. Now I probably look pretty pathetic in her eyes, even though I feel like I'm much more healed than when I last spoke with her.

[taylor3205]

Hi there,

 

I am sorry you are going through so much pain right now.....it is HARD. The only thing you must do right now is go complete No Contact, do not text, speak or e-mail him.

 

It is time to start living your life for YOU and nobody else, do not dwell on what he is doing, he is a free spirit, you dont own him and cant control him. You survived and lived xx amount of years without him and you can do so again.

 

Find new hobbies and interests. Get out and about as much as you can. It is time to rebuild YOUR life, make new friends and concentrate on yourself and nobody else.

 

Remaining friends with him while you are desperately missing him and wanting him back while he is seeing someone else is only going to prolong your healing and hurt you.

 

All the best.

[tonyeltiger]

PS: You are not alone. Go out and be more social. I'm sure you will be able to find a good friend, male or female, that you can have a great time with and learn that that there is much fun to be had out there. Take time to greive, get all the skeletons out of your closet, maybe get some therapy. But whatever you do, do not shut yourself in your room and not leave while you sink into a debilitating depression. You may feel alone now, but with minimal work, I'm sure you will have many new friends! Just go out and show people what a great person you are without your ex!

[SarahT111]

Im am SO SORRY to hear this!

 

Im am in a very similar situation and it tears me apart!

I feel like the lonliest person in the world right now!

I was with my ex for 2 years and pushed aside my friends. He dumped me and started dating a new girl within 24 hours. He wanted to be friends but whenever I tried it just hurt more because he wasn't the same person anymore and it killed me

I know how incredibally hard it is and im so sorry but its going to be a tough road ahead

But i agree that you have to go NC! I went no contact almost straight away (after embarrasing myself begging) and its the best thing I could have done.

Also STAY away from any internet pages like bebo or faceboook etc. I can honestly say bebo destroyed my life and smashed my heart further than I thought It could be smashed. I honestly wanted to kill myself after looking at his bebo and seeing him so totaly in love with someone else so soon.

So dont go there! No matter how hard it is DONT DO IT!!

Im starting to try and get my life back together, but it takes time. Dont rush anything and get more upset because your not making friends as fast as you want to.

It takes time but if you make the effort now it will pay off in the long run.

Another mistake I made was trying to rush out and find another bf simply because he had another gf. But i was kidding myself and forcing myself to try and love again so soon made the pain worse.

Let things run there course and keep posting ok!!

 

xx

[Queequeg]

Thanks for the replies. Good to hear your stories. I agree that I probably shouldn't talk to him anymore. I'm not going to block him on MSN, but I'm also not going to start the conversations. He can talk to me, if he wants.

 

It's horrible to think that he has all this freedom to spend time with this person, and I have no say about it at all. I did myself a favour by not asking anything about it last night. He did say some hurtful things about this person to me though. While we were still together, he kept telling me she's got big problems, has a boyfriend, and is probably moving away. Now I don't know what to believe, but at the end of the day I really don't want to know because it will just hurt too much. But I can't help but wonder, natch.

 

It's just too weird. He was never a liar, never kept things from me, and at the end of it all I feel floored.....

[e.clipse]

so, this was an on-off type of relationship? if so, for how long has it been like this?

 

i can relate to everything you are saying, pretty much, as i'm pretty much in the same situation. or was. still am. i'm not sure, actually.

 

regardless, these two things stood out to me the most:

 

+ he realized that you're not the only thing in the world that can make him happy.

+ he wants to remain "friends."

 

for the former, well, that is obvious. i don't mean to be mean or rude, but of course you are, literally, not the only thing in the world that can make him happy. abstractly speaking, happiness is multi-faceted, in that many things can make you happy, from a favorite song to your SO.

 

there is no "just one thing." and also, as much as it hurts, you have to realize that you are also not the only girl who can make him happy; you simply aren't. image what the odds would be of finding the one person in the world to make you happy. just one, out of the millions; the odds are simply not in the romantic's favor.

 

if you keep thinking that way, it will only hurt you more. i know this because i waffle between being in disbelief that my exbf could ever be happy with another girl who is not me and accepting the reality that yes, it is very much possible.

 

so, no, you aren't the only one who can make him happy. whether you are the one who can make him the happiest still remains to be seen--and you have no control over that.

 

this, however, also applies to you.

 

and as far as the latter comment, i would suggest that you not remain his "friend," for reasons you yourself stated. not only will hearing about what he is up to going to hurt you, since it doesn't include you, but it will also feed your hopes for a reconciliation that may or may not occur.

 

it's best to just give him some space. maybe now is the time for you to make some friends. but whatever you do, you need to take care of yourself, and you won't be doing so--trust me--by remaining his "friend."

[Queequeg]

How long has it been like this? Good question. We've always had our ups and downs. They were a monthly occurrence. It just got a whole lot worse this past autumn and turned into a weekly thing. Fight, get lonely, get together, repeat.

 

I realize I'm not the only thing/person to make him happy. He's told me he's not happy, and wants to explore to see if he can be happier. I guess I'm just in denial right now, but I know he has not been happy for a long time.

 

I've just gotten used to the routine, as bad as it is. It's comfortable to me, and that's really sad. I could probably do it for many years, to be honest. It would be easier for me than being alone. Classic case of co-dependency. I've got a lot to work on.

[e.clipse]

I've just gotten used to the routine, as bad as it is. It's comfortable to me, and that's really sad. I could probably do it for many years, to be honest. It would be easier for me than being alone. Classic case of co-dependency. I've got a lot to work on.

 

yes, this is sad. but what is sadder is that if am i truly honest, i can say that i feel the same way.

 

you know, whenever i read about all of the struggles of someone coping over the rupture of an on-off relationship, i feel like i can really relate. often, i want to point out the obvious and try to give advice as best i can, but it is difficult because i don't want to be hypocritical, since i know i don't do a good job at taking my own advice. at all.

 

in my case, i was with my exbf for about 4 years. i have known him since 10th grade, so we've been in each other's lives, in ways, for about 6 years. the first year of our relationship was absolutely wonderful. we hardly fought, and when we did, it was over stupid little things that we made sure to resolve within a day or two, at the most. for the most part, however, things were great.

 

but after that first year mark hit, it all warped into a very draining push and pull type of relationship. from then up until not too long ago, we would literally be together about 2 months, then break up for 1, 2, or 3, and get back together again, for another month or two. in the past year, it got even more vicious, with the breakups being very constant, and some times "over nothing."

 

it just got to the point where it seemed normal, the breakup and reconciliation. and you know, after SO many times, it didn't hurt as much--not because i loved him any less--but because i got used to it and knew that come a few months, we'd find a way back.

 

instead of trying to break that cycle, i just waited for it to start all over again. and, again, to be completely honest, i am not sure i have finally gotten to the point where i would say no, were the opportunity to present itself again.

 

so, what i wrote before, it's not so much because i am so good at following my own advice, but because i know these situations hurt so much. and in truth, no one else can really understand the type of pain you feel, unless they have been in a similar relationship.

 

because it hurts, and so badly, especially after investing years into it--and a good deal of your youth--i just wish other people who are in the same situations can see how bad all of this is. how it is consuming and exhausting. what a horrible rollercoaster it is. and maybe, just maybe someone will do what i seem to be unable to.

 

you have to admit to yourself that this cannot possibly be healthy; this is not the way relationships are supposed to be. and i'm sure you realize that, but the habit you've formed over the past years in which you have invested so much, is sometimes hard too overcome.

 

so i guess i don't have any real advice, just hope that you can see how bad this all is. as someone said to me, this can't be your life forever.

[pigeonsid]

Hi queequeg- I'm in a similar situation to you. I also have had many losses in recent years, two close family members have died in the past 3 years, and my ex left me 6 months after one of my family members passed away. It hurt even more because when he left, all the grief from these deaths overwhelmed me and I knew that I wasn't just upset about the relationship but about losing all these people, but it was uncontrollable - when you lose something it triggers everything.

 

I've realised that having lived with someone who had a terminal illness and seeing them pass made me much more clingy in my relationship - and ultimately that probably caused the end of my relationship. The loneliness has been awful, but underneath all the pain I am grateful for finally having this chance to mourn properly. I've started seeing a counsellor regularly, and this is something that I wouldn't have been able to do 2 years ago. It was only the breakup which caused such a huge reaction in me that made me go seek counselling. (Also, when this breakup triggered such a huge depression, my friends pointed out that it wasn't normal. When I lost my family members, everyone sort of said - how awful, it's okay to be feeling bad, and so I just pushed a lot of it to the side and got through it, without thinking that I needed any help. Seeing how I was in the relationship has made me realise that I do need help and that there is a lot of unresolved grieivng which has been interfering with my ability to live normally.)

 

It's awful that my ex left me, but I also am learning how to be independent, and that in itself is good for me. And I've found it somewhat reassuring that he's gone, but he isn't dead. In the past, I've basically lost people because they've died, which is why I had such an irrational fear of losing my ex when we were in a relationship. I wish that I hadn't lost him, but knowing that he's still around - experiencing this lesser form of loss, has also been good for me.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that this experience feels terrible, but that you will learn important things from it, and ultimately you will be a stronger and better person because of it. So, keep with the NC, and just have faith that if we get through this day by day, it will get easier. Don't give up on love or on intimacy. Before I met my ex, I had gone through several tough years that just seemed to be about sickness and death, and those two things also isolated me a lot from other people. I felt as though my life was just going to be about loss, that everything I cared about would slip away and there was nothing to look forward to. I lost my ex in the end, but just having him come into my life has given me hope because it showed me that people do come into your life - we have to lose things, yes, but we also have the potential to gain things. And after you get through this, you will gain something. You don't know what it is yet, but that is the beauty of it - you will gain something and you will become someone, and it is something that is so good you would never be able to imagine it. The hardest thing is just to have the patience to wait for it, and to trust that it is there, in your future, somewhere.

[EllaDerSpin]

It sounds as though this was the only way that things could change. Individual counselling is good, but while you are still so dependent on your relationship, it would take a long time to make a breakthrough.

It sounds as though it is a positive, well disguised as a negative.

[Queequeg]

e.clipse: I know all too well the feeling of not being able to take my own advice! Had it not been for this new friend of his, I think we would have kept on doing this to ourselves. He always told me that it would be over when one of us found someone new, and that's exactly what happened. But just him saying that to me became part of the routine, so I didn't take it seriously.

 

Thinking and talking to a family member last night, I realized that I was in complete denial of our problems! I didn't talk to anyone about what he said and did to me, out of fear of damaging his reputation to my family! He had me completely convinced that it was all my fault, and I was indeed crazy. He never took the responsibility for any of the things he said or did, it was just all me, and my "crazy ways". I was always the one trying to "work on myself." Give me a break!

 

pigeonsid: Thanks for sharing. It really is hard to stay positive when it feels hopeless. The hard part for me right now is that my most significant losses have all happened in February. Luckily February is over tomorrow! I'm having a hard time believing that I will gain something, or love again, but I'm accepting that this is how I feel right now, and it won't always be like that.

 

I did myself a favour and didn't talk to him at all yesterday. Luckily for us we don't really have any belongings to return to each other, so there is no need to be in contact at all! The only thing we have is a cell phone share plan, but I'm pretty sure I can get out of that on my own.

 

Anyway. Feeling good today, but I will need to keep myself busy over the weekend for sure.

 

Thanks everyone.