Just about Hanging on (Extremely Long but worth the read ) update

[GlamourBabe]

Hi Guys and Girls

 

I have wrote on here before, my story but I have added the background again for all who dont know my situation. The update is toward the end for all who have read this before..

 

I will cut down the surrounding specifics, but to date I am 21 and as a child I was physically and mentally abused my my parents. I then went into a relationship with a man at the age of 15, and he was 32! Where I was then subjected to further abuse. I suppose I got a lucky escape when he slept with someone else then got her pregnant. I was 20 by this time. At the age of 17 I had an abortion, this was his child. And at the age of 20 I was then raped whilst being at university. My best and only friend at the time dumped after this as she had met her new boyfriend and I was too much of a burden to deal withThis rape in question, caused me to leave university and move back to my hometown as I felt that I needed this time to reflect upon my life to date. As sad is it sounds now, I even thought that me and this man could get back together but you wouldnt believe it, he didnt want me back!

 

Unfortunately, MONEY was a big issue when I came back. I have completed my first year of a nursing degree and left it on a "i-will -return -soon-basis" but I had no job back in my home town. I was also very depressed and dealing with all the rejection and hurt I had endured in my life. I felt a deep loneliness that I never thought existed and spent days thinking of how to end my life.

 

Fortunately, through my 21 years of survival I have miraculously bought myself back up on all counts. I did in this situation, I was still severely in depression but I got myself a flat and I looked for a job. I am an intelligent girl so I went for 3 interviews and got them all. All paying good money. However, this depression was caving me in, and when you have no family support or no friends to say "Its going to be alright" going to work everyday from 9-5 just seemed impossible. I couldnt do it. And I didnt

 

I was in a crisis, I had rent to pay, bills to pay, no job, severe depression, alone. What would I do? I had some savings to last me a while, but I knew it wouldnt last forever. I just wanted to earn good money but without having to put 40 hours of work into it. Its not that I am work-shy or lazy here. I would like to stress this. I just didnt feel capable of it. I felt very neglected and didnt feel like I could cope with this task

 

The fact that I had been accepted by all 3 jobs gave me some new confidence and I started going to the gym and began to feel a little better about myself which is when I met X.

 

I met him on an online website, I met him on the intention I wasnt going to like him very much. At this point everyone I seemed to meet hurt me, then left. X is now 26 years old, and I suppose I fell for him because he reminds me so much of myself. His father passed away a couple of years back like me. He felt like he never belonged as a child. e.t.c e.t.c He also didnt have any qualifications or a job and never really stuck to anything. He had always left but hee had some depression issues too which is probably how we bonded because I understanded him and he understanded me. he made me laugh, and he made me feel warm and wanted. I liked him and I fell in love with him .

 

However, my savings had run out and in the back of my mind I was still feeling that depressed emptiness eating away at the core of me. I decided to try Escorting. ( I know awful) . I didnt tell X at first, I just couldnt. It was shameful, but I knew I would have too soon. He was already starting to ask questions as to how I was able to afford my flat and I had already told him that my mum was paying it for me. I told him this when we first met because I did not think I was going to like him very much and I just thought he was going to come and use me like everyone else had done in the past

 

When you have never been loved by anyone unconditionally in your life, you constantly seek the approval of others. That your preety, you can do it, your great. e.t.c e.t.c Past guys that I used to date before were on my phone and the phone was constantly beeping with messages from them. I used to put amunition into it because I would reply and it was not good. I understand that now. X already had trust issues and this made it worse for him. He would constantly be checking my text messages and emails when I was asleep. And it made me feel trapped.

 

 

I eventually told him on my 21st birthday because he noticed in my search history that I had been looking on escort sites. I didnt want to lie to him . I loved him so much, and I thought at the time being honest was best. He appeared to be hurt. I had seen 2 people at the time of me telling him and I told him about them. He asked me to stop but I just sat there and told him the truth about my situation. By this point he said was in love with me too, but felt bad for the situation.

 

I told him this was only temporary as I wanted to go and finish my nursing in Jan ( Which I now am! ) . I told him this in August. After telling him the truth he was so upset and it broke my heart that my messed up life could do this to someone but he agreed to try and accept it for my sake. However, at first he said " If your going to do this, I want something out of it meaning I will live with you rent free!" I accepted this, because I knew asking him to stand by me was a big decision but he soon said that was an awful thing to say.

 

X didnt have a job, he was on benefits and I suppose he identified with being so depressed in life you feel uncapable of working. He had his means of making money. i.e selling pirate cds on ebay but nothing that would amount to anything substantial. Of course, I was rolling in it. Earning maybe 1000-1500 a week. That being only 5-6 hours work in some cases.

 

 

At this point in me and X's relationship I began to feel the financial burden in our relationship. I would pay for things quite a lot even though sometimes he told me not too because he felt bad about it, but it was like a vicious circle I felt bad that he put up with what I did so I would want to give him things. He didnt have very much money so I would always get nice treats in the fridge for him, and most of the time I would pay for his train fare to come and see me. I would nearly always pay for take aways and I nearly always paid for meals that we would have. (He now says he felt a lot of negative energy when I used to do this ) . However, the point of this was that he would accept all of these things because he knew that I loved him and wanted to make him happy

 

Things started to go wrong when what I was doing was taking its toll. I began to talk about it more, he bagan to talk about it more. My work phone would constantly be ringing and the demands of keeping my boyfriend happy too just got to much. I began snapping at him, and just began to resent him. I would get angry and get upset and not even know why I was getting upset but I know now. I hated what these men were doing to me. I hated my life and I always felt like I was tense and that my blood was boiling. X didnt drive so I always felt like everything to do with making our relationship work was on me. I just felt like I was getting poorlier when really I should of just got a normal job to start off with.

 

On top of all of this, X was still checking my personal phone, emails and constantly trying to catch me out. I felt like I was sinking under it all and I wanted to run away. I became someone else, I felt like I looked like Me but when I spoke I couldnt control who spoke. It was like some awful force took over me and I couldnt do anything about it.

 

X broke up with me 12 weeks ago. Our relationship had lasted 6 months It hit me like a ton of bricks, because he was meant to move in with me. I just felt like one of his feats he had quit. I realised how much I loved him but at the time I couldnt see where I went wrong. The day he broke up with me, I wanted to commit suicide. I felt despair from the pit of my stomach, and devastation was an understatement. Everything was black

 

X said what I did in the relationship "done him in" and he couldnt take it anymore but it wasnt just that. He didnt feel well himself. He had depression himself and just felt like he wanted to be alone. I didnt like the "x" that was saying this to me. I just felt like all of the rejection I have ever had in my life was facing me and the pain overwhelmed me. It literally felt like a truck had run over me a 1000 times and I was still alive! When I would go out, It felt like I was dying and everyone around me was acting normal

 

Now, since this break up I have experienced some highs and lows. I quit the escorting as I thought that was the best thing to do. The only thing escorting gave me was 6 weeks of pure hell and lost me someone I love very dearly. Me and X have not managed to go past 7 days of NC. Either he will contact me , or I will contact him. He has not initiated any contact with other women and if I ask he calls me insane for asking such a thing. He says he has no intention for looking for anyone right now. I feel so bad that I thought I would be able to do what I was doing and have him. I feel immense guilt at how I have made him feel and its eating away at me. He says that the relationship break up was all my fault, and when he speaks to me with no respect he will says it my own fault. He then calls me back to apologise and here we go again! I just want him to give me another chance. I feel so sorry for what I did. I feel stupid that I even thouht what I was doing could just brush under the carpet and everything could be ok. I was trying my best and now I feel like I failed. I really miss him.

 

I feel like we are going round in circles now. I have initiated the NC thing but have ended up calling him. He does not like the thought of me telling him I dont want to talk as it makes him feel awful and he has cried at the thought of it in the past. He says he wants to keep in contact with me still but I am not sure if I can do it

 

Me and X have met up on 4 different occasions since then and have been intimate on all occasions. He says that he is not using me but he loves me which is why he wants too. I am worried that he is using me but because I love him I feel like I have got to the stage where I would do anything for him because I want him back and that I have no one in my life who loves me

 

On many occasions we will spend an hour minumum talking about things. Sometimes Light-hearted other times not so light hearted which he will go into detail about what upsetted him about me and he will get angry with me and I will get upset. He will then call me and apologise and say he didnt mean it, and the cycle goes on. He has been having counselling for the past two months for his issues but he hasnt mentioned what I done to the counsellor even though I suggested he should.

 

I know that him seeing me and sleeping with me is not good, but when I ask him if we will get back together he says "possibly" "not right now" or I should just "try to get on with things" Yet he still wants to keep in contact with me.

 

I have asked for forgiveness, and he says " I dont need to be forgiven , and that it wasnt my fault" I have quit what damaged our relationship. I have begun looking into counselling. I have even read a load of books and started reading Dr Phill Mcgraw - Self Matters. Creating your life from the Inside Out. I have found new revelations about myself since reading this book and it helps a lot. I have told him I am so sorry and faced up to my mistakes. I never intentionally meant to upset him at all and I just feel really worthless at the moment. I do not do escorting anymore and I am finishing my nursing degree at the moment so money is tight again and I feel like I am back to square one. I have moved out of my lovely flat and back into student accomodation but lack of money means I cant really go anywhere

 

He doesnt like the idea of me being with anyone. He has told me that already. He said he would have to accept it if I wanted to go out with someone but he doesnt like it all? I mean he finished with me what do I do here? I really want him back but all this is confusing me. The I admit I tell him I love him first before he says it back but he still says it and of course coming to see me because he "misses me and he loves me"

 

A week ago sunday, it got all too much for me and I just wanted to end it all. I had just moved out of my flat into a tiny bedsit and life was awful. On top of all of this, I am devastated about my relationship. He says he cares for me and loves me but on the phone he will swear at me and call me " d*** head " even though he says it dont mean anything.

 

I live on hospital grounds and I was so low my friend called the Nurse Practitioner and the next day I was referred to community mental health team and they said I shouldnt talk to him as he sounds like an abuser and makes me feel guilty about what I did but he accepted the fruits of my work

 

He called on Monday to see if I was ok, and he text. On wednesday he called again. Again I ignored. However, by the sunday again after 7 days NC I thought that I had to give in and reply. I didnt want him to be worried about me as I love him too much. So I did and he was f**** off to say the least. He wasnt very nice to me and said it was deliberate that I didnt call him. I tried to explain that I was trying to think about myself for once and he just wasnt having any of it

 

So I said to him, look I cant be in contact with you unless you want to be with me because the telephone conversation turned out ok afterwards and he was even thinking of coming down to see me. However, I know that if he does that we will just end up sleeping together and I wont hear from him for a few days. I said I dont want him using me for sex, and he got angry at me. Saying that I am definately not well to say something like that As soon as I say something he doesnt agree with, he will shout me down or hang up on me.

 

Its wednesday today. but yesterday night I went to see my mum and earlier I mentioned she was an abuser, well an incident occured yesterday where she abused me for the umpteenth time. I felt so low, I had no one to turn too at all. I called X, he was not pleased to say the least. He said " I thought you werent going to talk to me again ". " Your problems are too much for me to deal with " " I have things to do " We have broken up, couples help each other not when they are not together" I get so confused because this man says he loves me and cares about me. Well he hung up on me 3 times last night and he didnt even call back the last time

 

I said I get worried that he will meet someone else and think she is better than me and he said he "doesnt want anyone right now, let alone me" He says, " maybe I have become selfish ". He says I have no right to feel this way as he had to "put up with men f***** me" after he said that he apologises. He will always say nasty things to me then apologise. He will say nice things to me sometimes too but im an intelligent girl but I cant seem to think clear through all of this. Oh god, this is ever so painful..I know I did wrong at the time but if he is saying he loves me and cares about me I am only reaching out to him in my time of need and he hangs up on me. He says he felt really bad that I ignored him last week and he is " still not over it" but why would he hang up on me when I feel exactly the same way last night. I am so confused

 

Why am I calling a man who is treating me this way? I feel like my head is melting. I hate myself because I feel so used and just thrown away. I was good enough to sleep with other men to pay for him to come and see me and now it feels like I have no use. I havent done any escorting for a good 3 months. I am devastated. I feel suicidal and I dont know how to bring myself up from this. I am on medication and he tells me I shouldnt be taking them. Why cant he understand that at the time, I did what I did to support myself as I had no one to help me. When he talks to me he has no respect. I dont even know why he still wants me to be in contact with him. I feel so beaten down from all of this. I dont know where my confidence has gone. I just feel like I am dying already..

__________________

[curiousnycgirl]

community mental health team and they said I shouldnt talk to him as he sounds like an abuser and makes me feel guilty about what I did but he accepted the fruits of my work

 

The quote above is the only part of your post that is valid and has merit - and I believe I said something similar in an earlier thread. I sincerely hope you are continuing to meet with the mental health professionals you need it so very much!!!!! Not because there is anything wrong with you - but because of what others have done to you!

 

You seem to feel you don't deserve better than what this guy has offered you - and that is simply not true! There is nothing wrong with what you have done - you did what you needed to survive. It didn't work for you, so you left it - that is all fine.

 

Your ex is an abuse, selfish little child. A real man who loved you would suggest alternatives if he didn't like what you were doing, which would include HIS getting a job to support YOU. A real man would NEVER suggested that because you are doing something he doesn't like, he should enjoy a benefit from it. That is just warped!

 

Please continue counseling, and please at least try to follow their advice and go full NC. You need time to heal from everything you've been through in your very short life.

 

You sound like a very bright, resilient woman who just needs to give herself a chance to find joy. Please keep posting, and please seek counseling (I know I've said that several times here, but I really, really mean it!)

[GlamourBabe]

Thank you for this curiousnycgirl, I am really trying my best to get over this.

 

I just feel that I must have a lot of low self worth that I feel like I cant get any better than this treatment from him which is probably why I keep running back to him the more he treats me like s***

[Jmina]

oh heavens stop contacting him now. throw your mobile away do something. honestly, stop!!!!!!!!!

 

come here for a hug GlamourBabe! i am offering you a hug of support that you can rely on. it wont hurt you, it wont ask anything of you, it will simply be there to hold you up for a moment.

 

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG

when you are ready read on.

 

there, now see those two feet of yours? see your beautiful working body? feel your health inside you? feel your wonderful heart beating? note your feelings of happiness, sadness, joy, anger? feel your hair, blink your eyes, look up at the ceiling that shelters and protects you, notice and feel that you are safe and all is good in your world now.

now be careful there. dont read past that sentence but reflect on it. what could it mean? all is good in your world now. you are safe. what does it make you think of? do you feel sarcastic at it? angry? or can you remember what you do have that is good.

any reaction is to this is very good because it is a start.

 

a start you cant have a race without a start. you cant have cake with out a start, you cant have great life without a start. and today is your start.

 

all is good in your world now. you are safe.

 

lets start on the first day of the rest of your life. i am willing if you are.

first lets get some things straight.

 

The ex. lets call him THE ex because he isnt yours anymore, not in terms of relationship status anyway (and so it would be wrong to call him YOUR ex. It is healthy to acknowledge he had a part in your life, but using words that give us a sense of belonging such as 'my ex' can still have an affect on us in terms of attatchment. i make sure i do the same if i am feeling attatched.

 

Now who ever the bastard is the old ex, your ex, my ex, the ex, he is definetely not good for you at all. he doesnt love you in the way the you love him because his actions speak louder than words, and his actions are absolutely unacceptable. he doesnt want to be with you now,

It is very obvious that you both have soul searching to do and that is why people break up. the universe wont allow this love to happen as you simply dont love yourselves enough yet. love isnt everything that holds a relationship together. and if the timing is off everything is off. you are on your path and he is on his. you cannot cross these paths right now.

 

if you are in rock bottom you DO NOT need someone who is also in a similar place.

 

when he calls you dont answer, i dont care if it makes him so angry that he punches a hole through the wall. i dont care if it makes you so guilty that your not answering, you still dont answer. get it? good.

 

when you get urges to contact him for WHATEVER reason, it doesnt matter what, you need to ride it out. he doesnt deserve an answer from you, he is the one who broke up with you, and he must carry out the consequences to this. and part of that is to not be able to talk to you when he wants! he knows that its over, if he wont then you need to stop this toxic thing that you have going because it certainly isnt a relationship anymore and it cant be anything else for the time being either.

 

do anything you need to do to keep away from contacting him, cry, scream, punch pillows, anything. the feeling WILL fade and you know that you got through it once and you can do it again and again. it is hard yes, its excruciating sometimes but hun you desperately need time apart. i wouldnt go near this guy if he was the last guy on earth. im sure he can be really lovely, but until he has a grip on himself, and until he can act in a way that isnt manipulative and sinister, until he acts in a way that is good for himself and others i advice you stay away!!

 

staying away? good

 

now once you got that planned out and taken care of you need to get yourself some self lovin. and by this i mean emotionally, mentally. you need to get you cleaned up on the inside because i already know how talented and warm and loving that you really are, i know you want to have a meaningful life and i know you want to help people. i know you have a lot of love in your heart that wants to show its self. you arent the girl who has been abused over, you arent defined by your past, it is your past. you have suffered from it, hurt from it, and still are, i hear you, i hear the pain your in, and i will stand up for you right now, i would lead a whole congregation of people into a standing for you because you deserve it and we believe in you.

 

this whole journey is about you now. and journeys are good because everybody likes talking about themselves! this journey that youre on will be really hard because it will test you in terms of strength to stay away from the ex. it will challange you when you feel really low and want to just quit but it will also bring you gifts that you will be AMAZED by if you can sit through the hard times and come out with something new under your belt. maybe its strength, maybe its gratitude for a safe and healthy day, whatever it is you will be on one heck of a ride and when you come out you will be one heck of a person.

 

the bigger the tradgedys the bigger and greater and more wondeful and meaningful the rewards! and dont you have some of that to come! the hard part is for it to come you must feel every emotion, every thought and feeling must be felt and acknowledged.

 

we usually get stuck when we dont know what to do with these thoughts and feelings. i feel ****ty and i know it so what do i do now?!?!

 

well the answer is to get it out of your head.

 

remove it from your skull and the way to do that is to write it out on paper or type it out on puter, talk it out with a counsellor a friend, anything just get it out.

 

suddenly you will feel lighter, and free from the burdens that thoughts and feelings can put on you, and you WILL have direction. you WILL know what to do next.

 

you will find out who you are, who you really are as you go through this journey also.

 

just a quick exercise to try.

 

who are you? if someone asked you and you had to reply with a fair response what would you say?

 

do you know?

 

 

hopefully it included what i have written below, if not you only have these things to gain and discover. its all good.

what are your talents?

 

what are your morals?

 

what wisdom do you hold?

 

where do you get your energy from the inner world or outer world?

 

do you initate things

 

or do you recieve and reflect?

 

this is a glimpse at who you are and it is important that you DONT define yourself by your past because it doesnt own you and it has no right to take charge of your life now. you are wonderful and divine. you are a creation of uniqueness and talents! i mean 3 job offers - *flicks hand. that is impressive girl.

 

see this. you are made up of now, of what you know, not what hurt you. not what critisied you, not what made you feel like you are worth nothing.

 

noone should make you feel better about you, or make you feel worthy because it must come from inside you.

 

Now your past.

 

you sound like you had an exremely challanged past. but the challanges even though you didnt deserve it, or ask for it, it happened and there is always something good out of something bad. this is why its called challage. you had bad things happen to you, but challanges have rewards. you reward may be a big insight to something that a young person with a supported background wouldnt have, you might have insight to help people. the challanges that you faced will unlock something amazing in you. and you will find it in time. this is the good to your bad.

 

rememeber but you wont find happiness until you find gratitude.

 

that is how we create happiness by being grateful.

 

girl you really need to make this time about you and only you. it musnt have anything to do with the ex.

 

above all remember that because you are gaining from this it means that it has to happen. for a good reason. and that is why you go with the flow.

 

dont resist what is happening to you.

 

surrender to it.

flow with it

and go with the hard times to get your gifts.

excell with your gifts and help yourself, help othres, become a pheonix rising.

 

you can do it. you have so much in you that we aint seen nothin yet.

 

Jmina.

[curiousnycgirl]

Of course you have a low feeling of self worth - every person in your life who was supposed help build your self esteem has torn it down - including your most recent ex.

 

This is why you need to take time just for YOU. YOU need to recognize all the wonderful value you bring to life and to a relationship. Once you see that - you will see how incredibly awful your ex is.

 

I can tell you that I for one am here for you - as I am sure many other LS'ers are.

[GlamourBabe]

oh heavens stop contacting him now. throw your mobile away do something. honestly, stop!!!!!!!!!

 

come here for a hug GlamourBabe! i am offering you a hug of support that you can rely on. it wont hurt you, it wont ask anything of you, it will simply be there to hold you up for a moment.

 

HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG

when you are ready read on.

 

there, now see those two feet of yours? see your beautiful working body? feel your health inside you? feel your wonderful heart beating? note your feelings of happiness, sadness, joy, anger? feel your hair, blink your eyes, look up at the ceiling that shelters and protects you, notice and feel that you are safe and all is good in your world now.

now be careful there. dont read past that sentence but reflect on it. what could it mean? all is good in your world now. you are safe. what does it make you think of? do you feel sarcastic at it? angry? or can you remember what you do have that is good.

any reaction is to this is very good because it is a start.

 

a start you cant have a race without a start. you cant have cake with out a start, you cant have great life without a start. and today is your start.

 

all is good in your world now. you are safe.

 

lets start on the first day of the rest of your life. i am willing if you are.

first lets get some things straight.

 

The ex. lets call him THE ex because he isnt yours anymore, not in terms of relationship status anyway (and so it would be wrong to call him YOUR ex. It is healthy to acknowledge he had a part in your life, but using words that give us a sense of belonging such as 'my ex' can still have an affect on us in terms of attatchment. i make sure i do the same if i am feeling attatched.

 

Now who ever the bastard is the old ex, your ex, my ex, the ex, he is definetely not good for you at all. he doesnt love you in the way the you love him because his actions speak louder than words, and his actions are absolutely unacceptable. he doesnt want to be with you now,

It is very obvious that you both have soul searching to do and that is why people break up. the universe wont allow this love to happen as you simply dont love yourselves enough yet. love isnt everything that holds a relationship together. and if the timing is off everything is off. you are on your path and he is on his. you cannot cross these paths right now.

 

if you are in rock bottom you DO NOT need someone who is also in a similar place.

 

when he calls you dont answer, i dont care if it makes him so angry that he punches a hole through the wall. i dont care if it makes you so guilty that your not answering, you still dont answer. get it? good.

 

when you get urges to contact him for WHATEVER reason, it doesnt matter what, you need to ride it out. he doesnt deserve an answer from you, he is the one who broke up with you, and he must carry out the consequences to this. and part of that is to not be able to talk to you when he wants! he knows that its over, if he wont then you need to stop this toxic thing that you have going because it certainly isnt a relationship anymore and it cant be anything else for the time being either.

 

do anything you need to do to keep away from contacting him, cry, scream, punch pillows, anything. the feeling WILL fade and you know that you got through it once and you can do it again and again. it is hard yes, its excruciating sometimes but hun you desperately need time apart. i wouldnt go near this guy if he was the last guy on earth. im sure he can be really lovely, but until he has a grip on himself, and until he can act in a way that isnt manipulative and sinister, until he acts in a way that is good for himself and others i advice you stay away!!

 

staying away? good

 

now once you got that planned out and taken care of you need to get yourself some self lovin. and by this i mean emotionally, mentally. you need to get you cleaned up on the inside because i already know how talented and warm and loving that you really are, i know you want to have a meaningful life and i know you want to help people. i know you have a lot of love in your heart that wants to show its self. you arent the girl who has been abused over, you arent defined by your past, it is your past. you have suffered from it, hurt from it, and still are, i hear you, i hear the pain your in, and i will stand up for you right now, i would lead a whole congregation of people into a standing for you because you deserve it and we believe in you.

 

this whole journey is about you now. and journeys are good because everybody likes talking about themselves! this journey that youre on will be really hard because it will test you in terms of strength to stay away from the ex. it will challange you when you feel really low and want to just quit but it will also bring you gifts that you will be AMAZED by if you can sit through the hard times and come out with something new under your belt. maybe its strength, maybe its gratitude for a safe and healthy day, whatever it is you will be on one heck of a ride and when you come out you will be one heck of a person.

 

the bigger the tradgedys the bigger and greater and more wondeful and meaningful the rewards! and dont you have some of that to come! the hard part is for it to come you must feel every emotion, every thought and feeling must be felt and acknowledged.

 

we usually get stuck when we dont know what to do with these thoughts and feelings. i feel ****ty and i know it so what do i do now?!?!

 

well the answer is to get it out of your head.

 

remove it from your skull and the way to do that is to write it out on paper or type it out on puter, talk it out with a counsellor a friend, anything just get it out.

 

suddenly you will feel lighter, and free from the burdens that thoughts and feelings can put on you, and you WILL have direction. you WILL know what to do next.

 

you will find out who you are, who you really are as you go through this journey also.

 

just a quick exercise to try.

 

who are you? if someone asked you and you had to reply with a fair response what would you say?

 

do you know?

 

 

hopefully it included what i have written below, if not you only have these things to gain and discover. its all good.

what are your talents?

 

what are your morals?

 

what wisdom do you hold?

 

where do you get your energy from the inner world or outer world?

 

do you initate things

 

or do you recieve and reflect?

 

this is a glimpse at who you are and it is important that you DONT define yourself by your past because it doesnt own you and it has no right to take charge of your life now. you are wonderful and divine. you are a creation of uniqueness and talents! i mean 3 job offers - *flicks hand. that is impressive girl.

 

see this. you are made up of now, of what you know, not what hurt you. not what critisied you, not what made you feel like you are worth nothing.

 

noone should make you feel better about you, or make you feel worthy because it must come from inside you.

 

Now your past.

 

you sound like you had an exremely challanged past. but the challanges even though you didnt deserve it, or ask for it, it happened and there is always something good out of something bad. this is why its called challage. you had bad things happen to you, but challanges have rewards. you reward may be a big insight to something that a young person with a supported background wouldnt have, you might have insight to help people. the challanges that you faced will unlock something amazing in you. and you will find it in time. this is the good to your bad.

 

rememeber but you wont find happiness until you find gratitude.

 

that is how we create happiness by being grateful.

 

girl you really need to make this time about you and only you. it musnt have anything to do with the ex.

 

above all remember that because you are gaining from this it means that it has to happen. for a good reason. and that is why you go with the flow.

 

dont resist what is happening to you.

 

surrender to it.

flow with it

and go with the hard times to get your gifts.

excell with your gifts and help yourself, help othres, become a pheonix rising.

 

you can do it. you have so much in you that we aint seen nothin yet.

 

Jmina.

 

I cant thank you enough for this message, I get ever so shocked when people take some time to think about me for a change. You have said so many inspiring things and I have always known there was something in me that was different. My teacher used to say to me at school " I will be remembered in years to come " I dont know what she meant by that but nonetheless I have always remembered those words. You are right, I wont contact " the ex " ( see I am learning )

 

He makes me feel worthless, and I need to tell myself I am somebody and deserved to be treated better than I am now. I would have given him the world I dont think he would have ever of done the same for me. I have plans to go to medical school. I have dreams of becoming a peadiatrician. I think I need to focus on that for now.

[GlamourBabe]

Of course you have a low feeling of self worth - every person in your life who was supposed help build your self esteem has torn it down - including your most recent ex.

 

This is why you need to take time just for YOU. YOU need to recognize all the wonderful value you bring to life and to a relationship. Once you see that - you will see how incredibly awful your ex is.

 

I can tell you that I for one am here for you - as I am sure many other LS'ers are.

 

Your very right, I am going to take your advice and try to think about just me. He doesnt want me at the end of the day, and I always take it so personally. I think because it reinforces every other person that hasnt wanted me I guess. Thank you for being there for me. You dont know how much I appreciate it. x

[Jmina]

I forgot to mention about support and challange which is love in two different ways.that happens at the exact same time.

 

you were challanged at home but you still get gifts from it - only you know what they are or yet to become that is love in the form of challange

 

and right at that exact time while you had a form of love in challange which i know is hard to believe -

 

you had love in the form of support. and that was your beautiful teacher who took the time to say something really meaninful and important.

 

 

so love is all around you

 

in 2 ways

 

support

and challange.

 

both have gifts to bring.

 

GlamourBabe your teacher was right and to have dreams of of becoming a peadiatrician just tells me so much. you go for it girl. read my post whenever you are weak, write out your your pain and get some direction. you will make it i know it. and when i know things i am always right.

 

so count yourself lucky you have so much greatness to come!! and about time huh?

 

keep posting my friend

 

Love Jmina.

 

p.s. while you do this searching, learning, focusing and gaining this is your soul time, which means dont take anyone else on board just yet. keep your heart open, love your friends, yourself, animals and children, love the sky the, your plants, your clothes, the colour of your walls, love the warmth in your shower and softness of your hair, love food, love exploring and learning and open your mind to new possibilites like you have today.

 

just dont take on a relationship just yet.

 

why when you can have so much fun doing the above!

[curiousnycgirl]

Your very right, I am going to take your advice and try to think about just me. He doesnt want me at the end of the day, and I always take it so personally. I think because it reinforces every other person that hasnt wanted me I guess. Thank you for being there for me. You dont know how much I appreciate it. x

 

You are so very welcome. Just remember the ex (doing as Jmina suggested) is reinforcing all of the falsehoods you have heard before. They are all BS - put there by people who needed to put you down to make themselves feel better. Think about it - they did that to a child, how valid is anything they have to say?!

 

I recognize that one of those people is your mother - and trust me I know from whence I speak, my mother was both verbally and physically abusive - you need to separate from her for a while, just during your healing process. In time, once you are stronger, you can have a relationship with her, but on YOUR terms. I know this sounds aburd and impossible to you today (as it did to me years ago) - but trust me you will be able to achieve it.

 

Time to focus on you, and in time find people who value you. Right now focus on your dreams - WOW med school - that is huge but I for one KNOW you can do it.

 

You just need to remember you are bright, you are articulate, you are clearly beautiful and you have so much to offer - and you deserve nothing less that the same in return.

[GlamourBabe]

Hi, I wrote this same message on another board and this was a males perspective.

 

"i'm shocked by the full story. Prostitution huh?

 

I always thought to myself could I handle knowing my gf was a prostitute, or perhaps the lighter version of a stripper... I came to the conclusion that I probably couldn't. There'd be so many jealousy, insecurity, comparisons, danger etc... it would really worry me to know that that's how my woman made a living.

 

Many many people out there probably would have reacted the same way he did - torn between loving you, and the emotions described above. He'd be angry at what you were doing, and then call you back to apppologise because he loves you regardless.

 

Those were REALLY hard emotions for him to deal with and in the end he made the decision to leave. But he's still undecided on the issue.

 

The only thing I'd suggest is give him time and space to calm down and come to a decision himself - in the meanwhile you should be working your ass off to get a good job, a nicer place, studying for your degree and getting your head straight about what you want and need to make YOU happy.

 

Do it for yourself. Make a conscious decision to be happy.

 

Best of luck - and please please don't get dragged back into prostitution - it's a dangerous way to make a living for so many reasons. You're not a stupid girl - so remember that"

 

I just feel like he sympathises with him completely and I am in the wrong. Why do I not feel happy about this post?

[Jmina]

well you feel critisized.

 

write it out. i suggest you open a word doc and type out every feeling that he has conjoured up in you.

 

every single thought

 

you will know why this has made you upset

 

then remind yourself of that med school, remind yourself of what your teacher said, remind yourself of all the lvoe you are capable of and all the good you are capable of doing,

 

its okay GlamourBabe

this is one mans thought. one man.

 

 

Keep at it! this is TINY compared to what youve been through. dont let it bring you down. write it out, challange your fears and doubts and come out on top.

[Gala]

GlamourBabe -

 

To say the least, I was touched by your post. It is understandable that you still have conflicting feelings about this man. It can be SO HARD sometimes when you and another relate to one another because of similar types of painful experience...because those experiences create similar fears and insecurities. And meanwhile you're trying to have your life, and do the right thing, and fulfill goals, and get through the day.

 

You found him because you had moved on from the truly dreadful...but it sounds as though he is still fighting many demons of his own. This you don't need...and you certainly didn't need someone hitting you up for financial support.

 

If you haven't seen it yet, I do recommend Iyanla Vanzant's In the Meantime. It speaks right to the sorts of issues you are working through.

 

Bon courage, chere.

[GlamourBabe]

Thank you gala I will definately get that book. I am a bookworm at the moment. x