i need to get off this roller coaster

[Trecherized]

a lot has happened since my last post. so it has been almost a month since she left our house that we're suppose to start a family in. we've been seeing each other a few times a week. i tried to do no contact with her but she's made it clear that she wants me in her life. she keeps saying that she wants to marry me and since she's the one that's F'ed everything up, she wants to be the one to ask.

 

just to retouch on the background of all of this. she cheated on me, supposedly it didn't even end and she pushed him off and left. then she said that she's no longer happy being here at home and that she would find ways to get out even when we have stacks of laundry in the laundry room. she told me she has love for me but doesn't love me the same. she keeps saying that she wants to fall in love with me again.

 

of course that made me happier more than anything but it's been really up and down. she would call me whenever she feels like but she wouldn't always return my calls. she would keep me waiting for hours and it just so happened as i'm typing this, she gave me a call to say goodnight. i was happy but then again i felt so empty after we got off.

 

this has been a horrible roller coaster for me and all i know is i need to get off now. i'm afraid that if i don't return her calls that she would just run off with that guy that btw, she claims she doesn't see or keep in touch with anymore. i still want to be with this girl. we were together for exactly 8 years and 8 months when she moved out. we have lived together for over 3.

 

all i know is i can't lose this girl. i barely have any support on this, except for my therapist. she's all i know and i was all she knew. i can't stomach even thinking about moving on with someone else. though i know there are probably women out there who would take me for who i am. i don't really have friends in town that i can just go see and cry to. everyone that i was calling when this first begun has now stopped calling me back.

 

i'm going crazy! i've lost 15 lbs and still losing more i'm afraid. i've been sick now for 2 weeks and even with all the meds, i am still not getting better. i'm sinking deeper and deeper into this depression that i can't function at all. my business has been on hold because of this. I MISS HER SO MUCH!

 

i know that a lot will say go NC but what if i really don't want to. what if i still believe that we have a chance. after all, she still has that sparkle in her eye when we see each other. she has that warmth when she hugs me and chills go down my spine when we kiss. i feel her love everytime we see each other but why do i feel like she's so confused about her life. she has everything laid out for her but why throw it away?

 

i just want to be able to sleep with her again. i miss the life that we had and i'm afraid we're going to miss the life we're suppose to have. i'm all the way down at the bottom and i can't seem to get up.