Is it normal?

[freckles73]

The past few days I've been experiencing intense sobbing spells over the pain of missing my ex who broke up with me almost nine months ago. I think I could handle it if it were just a tear or two, but sometimes I will sob for an hour or more until I get literally sick to my stomach and my eyes are so swollen I can barely see.

 

Nothing has changed recently, so I don't know why I'm feeling an increase in the intensity of my longing for him. But I feel like I go through my day with a horrible heavy, sinking feeling in my gut and a lump in my throat to where I am always a hair away from falling to pieces. It's just awful. And no amount of therapy, journaling, medication or distraction seems to help. The thought of going another nine months, nine years or the rest of my life without him is so unbearable it's enough to make me wish I could cease to exist. Is it normal to feel this way after nine months?

[Erik]

Nine months seems a bit excessive to me, yes. Have you tried dating other guys? Are you seeing other people socially?

[CrossRhodes]

Freckles, who's to say what's normal? The fact that your longing has intensified is probably a clue as to what else is lurking in your psyche.

 

I can really relate to what you describe because I am going through something similar. I feel a bit sheepish writing this, but what the hell, here goes. I'm anonymous after all

 

I dated a girl at work briefly, after a few months of an emotional affair. One month later, I got severely depressed and ended it. We stayed friends for the next year, emailing each other daily. She is about to leave work for good on Friday and I have been devastated. I cried so hard I gave myself a headache for 3 days. For the past year, I've missed our closeness and that's been extremely difficult of itself.

 

Like you, I've done a lot of journalling, discussed it with my therapist, tried to distract myself. Nothing would budge it. But I started to realise that this intense pain was a clue I needed to examine. I started to realise that every time someone close to me left my life, I felt intense pain, anxiety and longing. I also came to realise that all these episodes were linked in time, and that they all felt very similar. I started to speculate that maybe I was reliving a version of my first abandonment each time (my first abandonment was when my father left when I was 7).

 

With that in mind, I did an exercise with a close friend. I got back into that emotional space - the intense longing for my work colleague - and I tried to experience the full intensity of it. I then tried to recall how I felt as a child when Dad left. Then my friend role-played my Dad, and through my intense sobbing, I asked "him" why he left me and told "him" how much I missed him (my Dad died a few years ago btw). We did that for about 10 minutes.

 

I know how freaky that sounds, but it actually made me feel a lot better. I felt a release of sorts, and I didn't cry once today, not even close. I'm still sad and I miss her already, but it's plain sadness without all the desperation. I did the same exercise for my friend a couple of weeks ago, and it was very powerful.

 

I don't know if that helps you or not, but you may discover that there is a lot more going on with your pain than meets the eye. And as you can see from my example, pain can be your friend.

[hrtbroken99]

well I am on month number 4, and have similar feelings. The therapy, journaling, trying to keep myself busy only lasts so long...a few days later or a week later...the tears roll down and those feelings occur...questions comes up...whats the guarantee the next person will not do this? feelings of hopless feelings of not living.... sorry I have no advice for you....except that you are not alone on this....