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How can I cope with the anger?

paperazzi

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paperazzi

paperazzi

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Long story short, my hubby cheated on me (while I was pregnant and during birth of baby - who he wanted to name after his mistress's child, I found out later), he left me and immediately moved in with her after I found out. This was back in April. I have been up and down since then, doing a lot of soul searching, getting much better.

 

I severely limited my contact with him as much as possible because I realized it was in my best interests to heal fully (which is difficult because of the children involved) and that action really seemed to push HIM over the edge. He suddenly demanded contact, he became extremely hostile and even now tries to "set me up" to fail by, for example, showing up for access to the children he isn't scheduled for - so then he can get support from people in our family (who totally disagreed with his decision to leave his family) because I'm "denying him access." He's even demanding we meet to exchange the kids at the mall so then there's even more face-to-face contact (even though that is really like putting a match to the kindling). Stuff like that.

 

I have come to realize this man was a complete fraud. Everything he ever told me about himself was basically false. I really feel conned (and I think it's legitimate, not simply because I have bad feelings about my ex and it's a way I can cope with being dumped).

 

My first marriage was to a man was basically a Narcissist (self-centered to the extreme, very hostile when the ego was threatened, etc) and I think my current ex is also one because all the behaviours are EXACTLY the same and that is very noticable now that he's not hiding himself from me anymore and pretending to be someone else. I never got to deal with my anger towards the first ex because he was dangerous.

 

My problem is that I am capable of being very rational and calm when I deal with my current ex through e-mail (I will not even talk to him on the phone). When I think about him, I feel sad about being so naive and sorry for him because he's got tons of dysfunction. However, when I occasionally see him in person (like him showing up unexpected to demand access he wasn't scheduled for), I immediately fly into a rage - I mean, I just want to attack him. I think I'm flashbacking to my previous ex and how I had to stuff that anger down in order to stay safe. This ex isn't physically dangerous so I feel safer expressing my anger to him but it is really not like me to be so completely over-the-top like I feel I have been. Having to deal with all the same behaviours twice in a decade is more than I can take.

 

Does anybody have any suggestions how to stay calm when I have these face-to-face meetings?

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everlong

everlong

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hi paps,

 

just wanted tho throw u some possible info, and maybe u might decide for yerself...

 

first of, please note that i am in no way 'qualified' make a 'judgement' on what you might be 'suffering' from...but when i read yer post...it reminded me of some research i did about 4 months ago [don't ask why...long story]

 

so, i just plop it in hear, let you read and you can decide fer yerself if it is something u want to look into...ok?

 

all the best

 

 

[FONT=Arial]Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a term for certain [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]psychological[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] consequences of exposure to, or confrontation with, [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]stressful[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] experiences that the person experiences as highly [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]traumatic[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]. [COLOR=#0000ff][1][/COLOR] These experiences can involve actual or threatened death, serious physical injury, or a threat to physical and/or psychological integrity. It is occasionally called post-traumatic stress reaction to emphasize that it is a routine result of traumatic experience rather than a manifestation of a pre-existing psychological weakness on the part of the patient. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]It is possible for individuals to experience Traumatic Stress without manifesting a full-blown Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as indicated in the [COLOR=#0000ff]Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders[/COLOR]. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Symptoms of PTSD can include the following: [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]Nightmares[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]flashbacks[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional detachment[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] or numbing of feelings (emotional self-mortification or [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]dissociation[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]), [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]insomnia[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], avoidance of reminders and extreme distress when exposed to the reminders ("triggers"), irritability, [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]hypervigilance[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], memory loss, and excessive startle response. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Experiences likely to induce the condition include: [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]For most people, the [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]emotional[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] effects of traumatic events will tend to subside after several months. If they last longer, then diagnosing a psychiatric disorder is generally advised. Most people who experience traumatic events will not develop PTSD. PTSD is thought to be primarily an [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]anxiety disorder[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], and should not be confused with normal grief and adjustment after traumatic events. There is also the possibility of simultaneous suffering of other psychiatric disorders (i.e. [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]comorbidity[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]). These disorders often include [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]major depression[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]general anxiety disorder[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] and a variety of [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]addictions[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]PTSD may have a "delayed onset" of years, or even decades, and may even be triggered by a specific body movement if the trauma was stored in the [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]procedural memory[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], by another stressful event, such as the death of a family member or someone else close, or by the diagnosis of a life-threatening medical condition. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]Also, doctors have conducted [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]clinical studies[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] indicating traumatized children with PTSD are more likely to later engage in criminal activities than those who do not have PTSD. [/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman]Background[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]Psychological distress after trauma was reported in 1900 BCE by an [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]Egyptian[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] physician who described [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]hysterical[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] reactions to trauma (Veith 1965). Hysteria was also related to "traumatic reminiscences" a century ago (Janet [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]1901[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]). At that time, [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]Sigmund Freud[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]'s pupil, Kardiner, was the first to describe what later became known as post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms (Lamprecht & Sack 2002). [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]Hippocrates[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] utilized a [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]homeostasis[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] theory to explain illness, and stress is often defined as the reaction to a situation that threatens the balance or homeostasis of a system (Antonovsky 1981). The situation causing the stress reaction is defined as the "stressor", but the stress reaction, and not the stressor is what jeopardizes the homeostasis (Aardal-Eriksson 2002). Post-traumatic stress can thus be seen as a chemical imbalance of [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]neurotransmitters[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], according to stress theory. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]However, PTSD per se is a relatively recent diagnosis in psychiatric [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]nosology[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], first appearing in the [COLOR=#0000ff]Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders[/COLOR] (DSM) in [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]1980[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]. It is said development of the PTSD concept partly has socio-economic and political implications (Mezey & Robbins 2001). War veterans were to a great deal incapacitated by [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]psychiatric illness[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial], including post-traumatic stress in the aftermath of the [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]Vietnam War[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]. However, they had difficulties receiving economic compensation since there was no psychiatric diagnosis available by which veterans could claim [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]indemnity[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]This situation has changed during the last two decades, and PTSD is now one of several psychiatric diagnoses for which a veteran can receive compensation, such as a war veteran indemnity pension, in the US (Mezey & Robbins 2001). However this practice is under review in the United States. In 2005, the US Department of Veterans Affairs Veterans Benefits Administration began a review of claims after it noted a reported 30% increase in PTSD claims in recent years. Because of the negative affect on the budget and the apparent inconsistency in the rate of rewards by different rating offices of the Department, they undertook this review. There was broad political backlash from veterans rights groups and some highly publicized suicides by veterans who feared loss of their benefits (which served often as their only source of income). In response to these events, on November 10, 2005, the Secretary of the US Department of Veterans affairs announced that "the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) will not review the files of 72,000 veterans currently receiving disability compensation for post-traumatic stress disorder..." [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]However the feeling of reprieve experienced by some veterans and veteran advocates was short-lived. Soon thereafter, the Department of Veterans Affairs announced that it had contracted with the Institute of Medicine (IOM) to conduct a[nother] study on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The Committee will review and comment on the objective measures used in the diagnosis of PTSD and known risk factors for the development of PTSD. The committee will also "review the utility and objectiveness of the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), and will comment on the validity of current screening instruments and their predictive capacity for accurate diagnoses." The committee will also "review the literature on various treatment modalities (including pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy) and treatment goals for individuals with PTSD [and] ... comment on the prognosis of individuals diagnosed with PTSD and existing comorbidities." Some veteran advocates expressed concern that this was merely a backdoor method of reducing benefits to veterans who have served and currently service in Iraq and the Persian Gulf. On the other hand, conservative groups such as psychiatrist Sally Satel, who is affiliated with the conservative American Enterprise Institute, say "an underground network advises veterans where to go for the best chance of being declared disabled." The institute organized a recent meeting to discuss PTSD among veterans. Read more on the politics of PTSD at [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff][2][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]In sum, the diagnosis is highly controversial because of the strong connection with compensation seeking behavior and efforts and the uncertainty about the affect of this on objective diagnosis of those who may have been subjected to trauma. See recent article at [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff][3][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial]While PTSD-like symptoms were recognized in combat veterans following many historical conflicts, the modern understanding of the condition dates to the [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff]1980s[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial]. Reported OEF/OIF cases of combat-PTSD incidents are currently being compiled in ePluribus Media's PTSD Timeline: [/FONT][FONT=Arial][COLOR=#0000ff][4][/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=Arial] [/FONT]

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Kamille

Kamille

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Does anybody have any suggestions how to stay calm when I have these face-to-face meetings?

 

When at home and thinking of how angry the situation makes you feel, practice deep-breathing exercises. (Just breathe in deeply, sending the breath to the "bottom of your stomach" first then up through your torax, breathe out from the bottom of your tummy first to the top of your thorax (kind of like a wave). Imagine that you are breathing in positive energies and breathing out negative emotions.

 

When in a face to face meeting, take one or two deep breaths before saying anything.

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paperazzi

paperazzi

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When I'm at home, thinking about him or the situation, I feel very little anger, mostly relief that he's gone and happiness with how much less stress there is in my life (he was a very impatient, cranky, miserable person in general). So it's not like I carry this anger around and simmer in it. I only seem to react when he gets arrogant (like demanding access he hasn't even asked me politely for in the first place, or not paying the child support on time because he doesn't think he needs to).

 

Thanks for the suggestion, everlong, about PTSD. I don't know why I didn't consider it before. My son was diagnosed with that (he was only 7 years old at the time but the trauma occurred when he was a toddler) so it's kind of funny I didn't think that could apply to myself as well. I've just been kind of beating myself up about not being as cool as a cucumber when he does the things my ex used to do.

 

Why would he suddenly demand contact with me when I completely cut him out of my life (as much as I could, anyway, with the kids being exchanged)? He had all but ignored me up to that point and nothing I said or did mattered. Since I started ignoring him as well (and began having contact with his mistresses ex - who he absolutely demanded I NOT contact ever), he's just turned into a whole new, vengeful, angry and attention-seeking individual. I don't get it. I would think he'd appreciate that I'm moving on and not bothering him anymore about living with his mistress).

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