Blindsided

[GW7147]

To start, I'd like to say, I just found this site and was comforted to know I'm not alone with my feelings of confusion, loss and emptiness of my recent break-up with my GF. We dated since the begining of Oct. '05 and met through her friend. She had been seperated for 8 months when we met and had dated somebody briefly before meeting me. We hit it off from the begining and we seemed to be a perfect match. Our relationship got off to a rather quick start but, we were both comfortable with the circumstances and where we were going. She invited me into her life with open arms and would never hesitate to tell me how she felt. She often told me she was finally at peace with her life, was content, her kids were finally happy and she was lucky to have me. We shared many great times and did many things together. In a nutshell, things were incredible (Or so I thought). I would often ask how she was coping with the aspects of her divorce. She never hesiated to share her feelings and would say, she was handling things fine. She shared every aspect of her life with me. I always offered my support and believed she knew I was there for her. She took my on a weekend trip for my birthday in mid-March and in Mid-April, we went to Cancun. Both trips were wonderful. While in Cancun, I recall walking past her and her grabbing my arm and saying "Hey". I looked down at her and she said "I REALLY love you". I reciprocated my feelings for her. Upon our return home, I spent Easter Sunday at her parents (we got along great). She gave me a card that said, she has had a blissful year so far and was looking forward to our future times together. Every night, I sent her an email at her work address so she would have a note from me to read. She always told me she loved receiving them and looked forward to getting to work. On the Tuesday morning after Easter, she emailed a response stating she wanted to talk to me after work and she needed to talk to me in person. As this sent up a red flag, I responded and asked was anything troubling her. She responded back saying: She needed to do some work in order to fix herself, she needed to do it on her own in order to have a relationship, it wasn't me, it was her and she had a lot of respect for me and thought I was wonderful (the classic Dear John letter). I had a knee-jerk reaction, became scared and somewhat defensive and responded back "If you don't want to go out anymore, I can pick up whatever I have at your place". I admit, maybe I jumped the gun but, her initial email had all the makings of her wanting to break up. She immediately responded and said, I misinterpreted her email and she didn't want to break up, but we were breaking up now. I was due to go out of town on business and wasn't able to see her prior to leaving. I ultimately sent an apoligy email saying I didn't give her the opportunity to expalin her circumstances. She accepted my apology and said we would talk upon my return. I called her as soon as I returned to town and on Sunday morning, I went over her house to talk. She had all of my things waiting for me as well as, gifts I had given her. She proceeded to tell me, she never addressed the issue of her divorce and the family being broken apart and she needed to work on those issues (Her divorce is in the process of being finalized). I could accept that part. She states she did not meet anybody else and I believe that to be true. Then she told me that she didn't share the same feelings I had for her. She said I needed to be dating somebody younger that could give me children. We previously had many discussions about our future together, sharing her kids and grandkids etc...She always made her feelings clear and always said we would work together as a couple to tackle any problem that would come our way. I was totally commited to her, her children and the relationship. She constantly told friends how she felt about me and a week before Cancun, thanked her friend for introducing us. I couldn't believe what I was hearing when she said she didn't have the same feelings that I had for her. I began to wonder if all her words were words of convenience. After our talk, we went our seperate ways. I had the spare key to her car which I had to give to her (her 15 y.o. son previously stole her car and got in trouble with the law) and she had to return some money she borrowed. We sent a total of 3 emails after our break-up all regarding her sending my money and me mailing her key to her. Some of her responses were rather cold. The last email I received was not as cold as the previous 2 and stated she received her key and thanked me. She then told me her son had gotten in trouble for breaking into his school at night and stealing various items. He is now facing expulsion. (He never caused problems when I was there as I'm an ex-Police Officer) I responded and tried to give her some encouragement and told her things would be O.K., the kids were feeling lost due to the divorce and if she needed a friend to talk to or needed any help, I was a phonecall away. I was sincere and told her she was in my thoughts. I never received a response. That was 5 days ago. I started therapy for this and issues regarding my 81 y.o. Mother. The therapist asked me to write a letter to my GF explaining my feelings about the relationship, what I loved, what I didn't love, what I miss etc..The therapist told me to read the letter and when I felt I could send it without expecting a response, do it. Given the fact, my GF has more or less snubbed me, I don't think it's a good idea to mail the letter. After reading different threads, I feel the best thing I could do, would be to just leave her alone and have NC. Everything seems so permanent and I'm not real comfortable with some of the reasons she gave for the break-up. I just don't buy into her giving me a card on a Sunday telling me she's looking forward to future times together, 2 days later, she says she wants out and 5 days later, says she doesn't share the same feelings. I think maybe she got scared when I said I would leave in response to her original email and she decided to walk away. Granted, emails were definitely an innapropriate venue for her to tell me what she did. I've been beating myself up over this, lost about 20 pounds and don't sleep much. I would appreciate any insight on if I should send the letter or just maintain NC. I know there's never any guarantees and I'm not trying to give myself false hope, but does NC really get the dumper wondering where the dumpee is and prompt them to call? She meant the world to me. Thanks for any opinions etc...

[Numbheart]

Jeez, this is cold.

I relate to many things you have said, especially the quick turnaround.

 

I think her telling you that her feelings have gone may well be her defence mechanisms coming up, either that or she really was doubting everything between you (or having issues with the divorce) for much time before you split, but trying to tell or convince herself that things would be ok (which might explain why she tried to continue to act the same way whilst she was around you)...I've known friends of mine do this, although their relationships have struggled at best, they get back together and try and act the same way, showing signs of affection as they used to, when they felt it.

But once the final split happens, the other party who received the signs, just focus on those signs, and start to really question why they made or did them.

The above is just a possibility, trying to view the bigger picture is hard.

 

So, certainly do not send the letter yet, you obviously still expect a response from it.

I think it will certainly help to go NC for a few weeks at least for now...give her time to think about things without influence from yourself.

If you have still heard nothing from her in that time, then see how you feel, maybe ask here again?

 

It may be that she is having issues with the divorce eventually coming to an end, I've known this happen many times with people, almost like cold-feet before a wedding, but the opposite, if you know what I mean?

The other thing to try and look at, is, if she can do this to you now, after this amount of time together, is she worth trying to stay with?...that may well only be answered if you ever get answers to the real reasons behind all this, which in reality, you may well never get.

 

One thing though, dont beat yourself up about your response being the problem,

She immediately responded and said, I misinterpreted her email and she didn't want to break up, but we were breaking up now.

I'm sure from how your post reads, that this was just her "shifting blame" and an easier "get out clause" to make herself feel slightly less guilty.

[quankanne]

whew! That's a pretty heavy load to shoulder, and being gobsmacked this way doesn't help matters any. But keep telling yourself that all will be well. Maybe not how you'll want, but things work themselves out ....

 

(Her divorce is in the process of being finalized)

 

this is not a good thing. Because it signifies that she never really gave herself the time she needed to heal from her broken marriage, but directly entered into another relationship, one which happened to work out really really well. My guess is that as the reality of her divorce has set in, she's seriously looking at this new relationship she jumped into and possibly feels that she involved you in a rebound relationship. And truly decent people don't do that to others, no matter HOW much they like the other person. By putting a halt to y'alls relationship she can give you opportunity to be where you really "ought" to be, instead of what may be a rebound relationship because you deserve much better than that. At least, this is my take on it as a chick.

 

give her the no contact that she seeks, but if you're seriously interested in pursuing a relationship with her, be patient. It's going to hurt like hell, the waiting, but give her this space while still keeping that line of communication open. When the opportunity presents itself, you can resume with a woman who doesn't have any strings attached legally.

 

best of luck, and welcome to the 'Shack ...

[gfto]

I just don't buy into her giving me a card on a Sunday telling me she's looking forward to future times together, 2 days later, she says she wants out and 5 days later, says she doesn't share the same feelings.

 

You're correct. A woman's interest level in a man doesn't drop like a stone in two days. The only way it drops that quickly is if she catches you in the act with another woman (which I know isn't the case here!).

 

The problem here is that you got involved with someone who is right in the middle of a divorce. (You were playing with fire.) Thus, her emotions are all over the place. She might have appeared to have high interest in you, when in fact, she didn't. I hate to say it, but you might have just been a rebound guy for her.

 

At this point, I'd go into a strict no contact. You'll heal more quickly and start meeting new prospects.

[huntersixx]

Wow, you have my sympathy because I'm right there with you. My gf and I have been together for 5 months and then out of nowhere things changed. She got her divorce papers on a Friday and then on Sunday I was hit with the " I need some space talk" soon after we broke up. I had no clue it was coming, We always had great times together and had never fought. Getting final divorce papers can sometimes be like getting certified mail that jumps out and calls you a failure and it makes it official that the marriage is over. Your girl really may be having a hard time with it. Also, the problem could be that she is gunshy of diving into a new serious relationship.

 

From your post I'd say she's totally into you. I think you should give her space and let her come back to you when she's ready. She might just need time to sort out her feelings and then she'll be ready to move on with life and hopefully that means getting back with you.

 

I was lucky, after breaking up it wasn't long before my gf came around telling me she loved me again and things are beginning to get back on track again. It's hard and feels like a step backwards for me because we are slowing things way down. I'm also letting her make all the moves like calling, emailing, ect. in order for her to do things at her pace and not be overwhelmed with a relationship. So far it is working for me, maybe it will work in your situation as well. Best of luck with everything.

[GW7147]

When we first met and I learned of her circumstances, I remember having some initial concerns about her pending divorce. Of course, I didn't know her well enough to understand where she was emotionally. I know she dated somebody else before me for a few months. She told me that she was contemplating selling her house and buying one with her boyfriend. I thought to myself "God, that's pretty quick!" Of course, she broke up with him shortly thereafter. Seems he had cheated on his wife (with somebody else) and wanted to go back to his marriage. I took stock in her circumstances and would talk to her about how she was feeling for 2 reasons: 1- Because I genuinely cared about her and her wellbeing and 2- I was trying to avoid being a fallguy and being hurt. We've actually discussed "rebounds" and she insisted I wasn't going to be one. I suppose she was trying to convince herself, things were good for her. Maybe she was in denial that her marriage was over.

Her husband evidently was a real piece of trash. She and all her friends told me stories of his short temper, infidelity and controling disposition. Fifteen years of that would be a mental hotfoot for anybody. I guess, I was so ready for a relationship, we met, things went extremely well and I couldn't have asked for anything more. She would always say all the right things: How in love she was and we would always be together, she was very convincing. I could find no reason not to believe her. Maybe, she didn't intentionally try to hurt me, but, it really killed me. Especially when she said she didn't share the same feelings I had for her. She did say that she has never been treated so well in a relationship as she was when she with me. As for her abrupt change, you're right, I didn't cheat on her and would never, in a million years, even consider it. I guess maybe, she just hit a brick wall. I must admit, I initially thought she may have met somebody else but I highly doubt it. If she did, it would seem she would find herself in a vicious cycle. Now, she has to deal with her son being expelled from school and her daughter is giving her troubles as well.

If I'm hurt from a 6 month relationship ending, I would imagine she would suffer some recourse after a 15 year marriage ending, even if it wasn't all good. I was just caught off guard and even her friends and people that knew us always said, we were the perfect couple and nobody could believe we broke up. I sent her the email telling her if she needed a friend, I was a phone call away, in an attempt to let her know I truly care about her and the kids and to leave the door open. I must admit, I was slightly hurt when I didn't even recieve a "Thanks". As cold as some her previous emails were, it almost seemed as if she was mad at me. Nonetheless, I'll give her space and time to heal. Who knows, maybe someday, we'll have another chance. Thanks to everybody that responded. All of you (and this site) has helped me tremendously. I'll appreciate all future postings as well. I'll be around.....

[Numbheart]

I've seen this happen so many times with people and gone through it a couple of times myself...one of which was a year and a half before it happened.

 

GW, what you say is soooo SPOOKILY close to my last encounter, only differences are yours had a child, you had more time together and she gave you the "my feelings are gone" line.

Other than those, the constant reasurances from her about wanting a long-term future together, never having known anything so good, she doesnt deserve you, and your reservations about being so soon after her seperation are all identical.

I was told the last 2 years of her marriage where emotionless, that she had given everything a great deal of thought and she was more than ready to move on.

 

Mine was very short lived, very intense, bringing many many feelings to their pinnacle, we had huge potential together, we could see it, friends and family could also.

Then wham...out of the blue, ended!

 

I know how you feel, it is gutting and unexplainable and feels like such a waste to something that felt naturally so good.....if they were so happy, how can they throw everything away also?

Hindsight is that posters here are right, people going through a divorce are a dangerous weapon to play with.

I look back now and my ex was always honest with me, even with the split, she told me she still had the feelings for me but couldnt cope with the stress of the divorce, realised she had gone feet first with me and got swept along, never had any real time alone (i.e. 12 months) and really needs time and space alone to cope and re-adjust.

 

I accepted that from day one, but the hurt and shock has been unbearable, the most difficult thing in my life I have ever tried to cope with handling.

I know what she needs to do, I know why she needs to do it, funnily I actually appreciate her doing it so quickly after her "reality check" and she was trying to save my feelings also (as she told me, better to do it now than 9 months later) but at the time, it was so difficult to see through the shock of it all.

 

I tried to explain this to her a few weeks later, only to be meet by being ignored.....she also appears to be mad at me or hate me now.

She always said to me "never go back" which I can understand from relationships that end due to "normal circumstances" of problems / compatibility, etc, but when it is ended how this has been, I really do not understand that ideoligy, why not go back to someone who you had no problems with and everything was so good with?...stubborness? regret? feeling ashamed? embarrased from diving so deep so quickly? trust?...or the fact that they think when they have had their time alone, their goals will be different?.......I dunno?

 

I gave myself the last 18 months being single through choice, my goals never changed but then I think I'm at an age where I know what I want, I've been through enough to realise it.

 

I sincerely hope you hear from her again, I hope I hear from my ex also, but I'm not expecting to.....all I can do at this moment in time is give her what she needs, to be left alone and get on with her life, I'm trying to do the same, but finding it hard, some days I think I'm back to my old self, then I relapse, I cant stop missing her and wanting her, and the "what if" question constantly looms.

 

Sometimes I think, yeah, theres no problem with contacting her, we had no problems with each other, I'll just send her a message saying I miss her, I struggle with this for days, then realise its just what she does not want to hear and its not giving her the time and space.

Respecting her wishes is TOUGH when we try to respect our own also.

[GW7147]

Numbheart,

You explained my feelings to a tee. When circumstances are clear about why a break-up occurred, it can be extremely hard to deal with but it may be a bit easier to understand and deal with however, when the reasons aren't as defined as one would hope, it seems much harder to accept and cope with. The part when she said she didn't share the same feelings as I had for her was the real "knife through the heart". I realize there may never be another chance for us. That is something I have to accept as a possibile reality. I feel I will be able to maintain NC in order to give her the respect (time and space) she needs and deserves while she copes with her issues. I also know it could be a long time before she is able to give herself to me or anybody else. In the meantime, I've been trying to deal with it as best I can by exercising, keeping busy and trying to get myself over the initial blow of this whole thing. The furthest thing from my mind is to meet anybody. I was on my own for a while before I met her and really didn't want to go back to where I was before I met her. Being an ex-cop, I tend to trust my gut feelings and although I'm not trying to feed myself any false hope, I have a good feel there is a possibility of us being together again someday. In the meantime, I'll take care of myself and when I'm ready to move on, I'll see where I stand....You guys are great!! Thanks again....

[Numbheart]

Numbheart,

I tend to trust my gut feelings and although I'm not trying to feed myself any false hope, I have a good feel there is a possibility of us being together again someday.

 

I am the same, problem is, I seem to have 2 gut feelings at the moment, which is a first!

One is she will eventually come back because everything was so good with us, the other is that she is too stubborn , will cut her nose off to spite her face and always says "never go back"

 

Its all a waiting game now, one that may see me never wanting to hear from her again, but I doubt that!

Good luck to you chap, I will watch whatever happens with you on here regarding this, as it is all too close to me.