break up after 6 years?

[eimichan]

Hello people! This the 1st time I've ever posted on here, so I'll tell you a little about me and my situation. I'm 23, soon to be 24, years old. I'm very open-minded and politically left-leaning. I grew up in a conservative fundamental christian community and school. I was very depressed when I was younger and decided to change my life when I was 16. I went to public school and renounced religion. It was really hard, but I do feel happier because of it. I met my boyfriend when I was 17. At that time in my life I was very sensitive, having come out of a long dark period when I was younger. My parents were also in the first stages of divorce. (still not finalized to this day!) I met J in person, and then got to know him online, since we were both shy. After we started dating, we were always together. I even neglected friends I'd made during my last year of high school. (I really regret that). Anyway, things were great with my bf, he helped me gain a lot of confidence. None of my friends really understood my relationship with him, since he is really anti-social and none of them really saw the same guy that I saw when it was just the two of us. I went off to university, but we talked a lot online, and started to argue a lot online. We even broke up once, but I took the bus back home that very day to make up. It was mostly fighting over stupid stuff, but a big problem was that I had too much of my emotions and happiness tied up in him. I was too sensitive, and so was he, sometimes. I didn't do much of anything my first year of uni, I stayed in my dorm room and mostly talked to him online. I don't think it was really the best thing for me...anyway, from my second year until graduation, he moved to the city I was living in and we got an apartment together. We are really comfortable together and share everything in life. He loves me so much, maybe it's untrue, but I don't think anyone could love me as much as he does. The problem is that over the 6 years we've been together, I've grown and changed, and he hasn't really. In some ways we're still compatible, but in other ways we aren't. While he has helped me grow confident, I haven't been able to help him in the same way. When I was younger I always thought that he would grow and change. I'm a very optimistic person now. I'm still a little sensitive, but I feel much more confident. I'm happy, and I mostly feel satisfied in life. I think I'm a good person, and I want to keep being the best I can be and grow. My bf, however, is very pessimistic. He's paranoid. He has no ambition in life. He gets depressed easily and can be very passive aggressive in that state. It's like he's 2 different people...one is amazingly loving and gentle, and the other is cold and cruel. He judges people and the world harshly. He thinks the world is full of monsters. I think that there's bad things, but I still believe in the beauty of humanity. He's agnostic, and I'm spiritual. He's so hateful sometimes. And he doesn't apologize...he hurt my best friend once and only said "I don't like her, so I don't care." I can't understand how he can be so sweet on the one side and so cold on the other. If we don't talk about things, we get along great. He does a lot of things for me, never complaining. However, if I ask him to do something that he doesn't want to do, it's impossible. I don't want to argue, so I don't push things. I take care of all the business in our relationship. I decide most things...I wish he would help more, but he has no interest in learning how to do things. Part of it is because he feels that he's worthless and can't do anything, so why bother trying? I've tried and tried to help him, but I just can't...it just got so tiring. So now we don't talk about things, because it just turns into big issues. He's my first bf, and I'm his first gf. I think maybe I could get another bf, but I don't think he'll get another gf...I do love him, and I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be lonely and miserable forever...I feel so guilty for thinking about leaving. He trusted me to never leave him...it's so hard to even type...I think I'll stop now and if there's anyone out there who wants to listen to me, or help me or whatever, please email me...it's so hard to explain and there's so much more to say... eimichan<at>gmail.com