In dire need of on breaking up with someone.

[One Life to Live]

I found this site a few minutes ago & am very glad as I am in dire need of advice. Just browsing through, it looks like people are very supportive here & offer intelligent thoughts on problems/situations of the heart. Thanks to those who've dedicated themselves to this website. And, thanks in advance to those who respond to my problem.

 

My story:

 

It all started 8 yrs ago when I had the joy of finding out that I had contracted the herpes simplex virus, a week later my current girlfriend had also broken out. We had only been together for a month or so when we broke out, both w/ recent mates before we had gotten together. It's still a mystery as to who gave it to whom...

 

We dated for a close to a year & broke up b/c of personality diffenences. As most of you know, herpes never goes away. This made me quite reluctant to meet new women. It's not easy telling someone your interested in that you have HSV. You tell them too early, they get scared away, tell them too late & they may get pissed that you didn't tell them earlier. After several dates I decided to look on the internet for a possible herpes dating site. There's a site called mpwh.com (meet people with herpes, for anyone's who's interested). Seemed promising.

 

There I met a lovely woman (in 2000 I believe), lets call her Kara for privacy's sake. Kara was 30 yrs old, I was 22 at the time. She made it clear that she only wanted a friend at the time. Not just with me, but with anyone. A while after we knew eachother she had told me about 6 months before we had met she had found out she had contracted HSV & was pregnant at the time from her x-boyfriend. She had an abortion. She said she had never thought she would have done that, she did, & was quite ashamed. I was the only person she had told. At this point I had known her for a year or so.

 

We would go out & attend different events & always had a great time together. It never got romantic & she never dated anyone else. I graduated from Louisiana State Univ. in '01 & decided I was moving to Houston to find a job. It's 3 hrs away from where she lived in Lafayette.

 

At this point I was very interested in her. She seemed like the perfect woman for me. She also told me quite often how she thought I was the greatest guy she's met & how much she enjoyed spending time with me and if she did feel like she could have a romantic relationship, I would be the one... I didn't want to date anyone else because I was hoping she would 'come around' eventually.

 

My feelings were so strong for her, I felt that I'd never date anyone else if I kept holding out for her. I told her I was worried that I'd might wait & wait & one day if she found someone else it would severely crush me. I then told her I needed some space from just talking to her so that I could move on. This was very upsetting for her & me.

 

We didn't speak for quite a while... within that time I tried dating different people from the mpwh site in Houston... went on a bunch of crappy dates. Then I met a girl from dallas in '03. Let's call her Wilma.

 

Wilma & I hit it off right from the beginning. She's got a great sense of humor, was really nice & I was fairly attracted to her. We dated for almost a yr. while she was in Dallas & I was in Houston... a four hour drive. I finally decided to quite my job & move to Dallas. We've been living together for a yr. & a 1/2. Things have been pretty decent. We only fight occassionally. She's very close to her family in Dallas & has a good job that would be hard to leave & find another one like it.

 

In the past 6 months or so I've been trying to decide whether Wilma is the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with or not. She is deeply in love with me. I care about her very much, but not sure if 'she's the one.' I would say decision time is getting close. Her family keeps asking when are we getting married. They're quite old fashion, so the fact that we're living together is not a good thing. They like me a lot though.

 

I'm starting to get quite homesick, I'm in the construction business & am itching to move back to southern Louisiana. Plenty of work down there after Katrina's aftermath. I miss my family & have many many good friends down there. I've gotten sick of Dallas & am wanting to leave. Wilma's somewhat set on not moving away. She's metioned before that she may want to move, but isn't ready yet. She wants to buy a house together & stay here for a while. If that happens I fear that I may never go back to LA. If we had kids & worked here for a while it would be much harder than it is now.

 

For a while I was fairly sure that Wilma would be the one I'd want to be my wife. Now, I'm not sure. These thoughts would be in my head whether I had met Kara or not. After living together for a while, you see people for what they are, good habits, bad habits, everything... I've found that Wilma is quite a bit more messy than myself & seems to easily get a pissy attitude about things that aren't worth getting mad about. She also has a tendency to take aggression out on me at times when the reason has nothing to do with me.

 

I don't appreciate that at all. Although, we do get a long quite well most of the time, and most people we know think our relationship is a perfect one. I have no idea if our relationship would be one of the one's that make it if we got married, or failed... I truly believe it could go either way. I just don't feel it's one where I am certain I want to marry this girl. I've always thought if I marry a girl, it would be because I felt like she was the one & I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I don't feel that way about Wilma. I care about her very much & thing she's a grea person, I just don't feel that 'she's the one.'

 

I do know one thing, if I break up with her it will crush her world. This is the longest steady relationship either one of us has ever been in. I'd feel like the biggest turd alive for doing it. All of her family & our friends in Dallas would wonder why I did it. We live together & both have many things in the apartment together. A break up would be difficult. Luckily we haven't had any children together.

 

I can honestly say that I am much more attracted to Kara mentally & physically. We have much more in common than Wilma & I. Wilma is a very nice, very sweet girl that I rather do almost anything than break her heart. There's just no emotional 'sparks' for me there anymore. I know spending the rest of my life with someone just to not break their heart isn't right. Especially when I'm in love with someone else.

 

I think if I married Wilma I will always wonder what could have been with Kara. I know she's interested in me... Kara told me recently that she's "ready to start dating again but doesn't think she'd meet anyone she likes even half as much as me." Although, even if I didn't know Kara, I believe I would not want to marry Wilma. But, the fact that I do know Kara, really makes me feel like I shouldn't marry Wilma.

 

I know this is long story, I felt that I needed to explain my whole situation so that you can get a feel of what I've been through & am going through.

 

 

What I'm looking for from anyone that may want to help is general advice. Should I break up with Wilma or give it a chance. How should I do it if I decide to do it, especially when we haven't been fighting much lately? She'll most likely wonder where this is coming from.

 

Her birthday is this Fri. & valentines in next month. Should I wait to do it? Is there harm in waiting till I find a job in Louisiana to do it? Should I wait a while before wanting to date Kara?

 

Any help, comments, advice, suggestion, or questions is appreciated. Thank you for your time. I know this was a long one.

 

Sincerely

 

~One Life to Live

[One Life to Live]

That should be "in dire need of advice on breaking up with someone

[flsgirl]

Well, quite a story you got there. My philosphy is if you're deciding whether to break up or get married, always opt for breaking up. You get married because you can't imagine living without the other person. Obviously you're still interested in the other woman. What makes you think things will be any different with her than it was before?

 

As for "crushing Wilma's world," you'd be doing a lot more damage the longer you wait to break up. Things will get ugly too if you wait because you can't act like things are fine for the amount of time you want to stick around. She'll suspect something is up. When I found out that my ex (a b/f of 3 years) knew for a month that he was going to dump me, I was LIVID! He decided he wanted to wait until after a certain event we were going to (which I realized something was wrong anyway).

 

And the main thing is to be honest and respectful with her. Don't do any of this, "it's not you it's me" bs. You two seem like you want different things. Marriage isn't about just being in love, it's being also about compatible in other important areas. You're definintely not. As for wanting to be with the other girl, I'd leave that part out because you don't know if that will pan out anyway.

 

Goodluck.