Religion.. the ultimate downfall of a relationship?

[VVasted_life]

I’d been dating a very wonderful woman for several months when she broke up with me about a month ago. The bad experiance still lurks in the back of my mind of what might of been the beginning of a great thing. She said it was because I wasn’t religious enough for her and her children. Now, admittedly, I never had attended church before I met her, but I didn’t run around town flagrantly breaking Commandments, either. Nor did I get miffed when we couldn’t go out and spend a saturday with the kids because "we have to go" to church services on a saturday night. She knew I wasn’t very religious when we started dating and assured me it wasn’t a problem as long as I kept an open mind. Apparently, it was too much. There was days when she didn't want to go to church, and I had got the kids ready and talked her into going. I never stopped going to church, but I do admit being in that type of environment was rubbing off on me, and I had started becoming a better person, I didn't swear at all, and was overall a much more loving person than I had ever been before. Aside from working on forgiving her for hurting me, I’m finding myself decidedly turned off by any woman with even the slightest whiff of religion on her. That’s probably bad. But how else am I supposed to react? I understand her family has a close bond with god.. I wasn't brought up in that type of an environment, but I was doing the best I could to make everyone happy, her family and her and the children, and becoming a better person for my own sake was the main reason I had went to church, but appearently I have failed.. I must not have tried hard enough. Long talks with her after the break up have reached no where fast. I give up.

 

Sign me as

VVasted_Life

[downcydeguy]

Religion and politics have an amazing way of destroying relationships. I, personally, don't feel that these are insurmountable differences to deal with, but know that at times can be. By you simply making the effort of attending church with her shows me that you're a decent guy. It sounds like she's using religion as an excuse here. She got bored with you and needed to justify a breakup - so she used religion.

 

Sorry to hear about this but I think it's time to move on.

[westernxer]

Some people place more importance on what you are versus who you are.

 

Don't waste your time with her anymore. She's been raised a certain way and that's that. I made the same mistake... she took issue with my lack of religiosity, so I dumped her on the spot. Funny thing was, she didn't care in the beginning. That's what pissed me off the most.

 

Oh well, now you know better, as do I.

[QsGirl]

Hi,

 

I am in the situation that you are in, presently. I have had many issues about not being like my other half. I am not marrie with him, so pre-marital sex is an issue. I had a hard time with it, due to the fact that we had sex before he converted to Religion. Anyways, I find myself constantly asking him if he is happy with me since I am a "sinner". I work Saturdays, first of all, which is the most important Commandment not to break. I also listen to worldly music, watch TV, movies, etc. His answer is "Yes, I am happy with you and I want you to be my wife. You'll come around". Come around where? I find this annoying, but have told him that this is me, take it or leave it. He has been demonstrating that he accepts me the way I am, but occassionally, the righteousness sneaks up. We have many arguments/debates about this arrogance associated with him being saved and be basically being "lost". Oh well. Now, I have tried to go to Church with him, but can only do it for so long. In my opinion, I found some of the people depressing and it seemed as though they all want Jesus to come already so they can go to the Kingdom. Now, with Jesus coming, this means that some sort of disaster must occur. I do not think this way. I enjoy everyday as much as possible and like to think about the present. Not the future (when it comes to thinking about "oh c'mon Jesus, get here already". If and when he comes, I'm pretty sure we will all be clearly aware of it.).

 

 

Anyways, it seems as though that in your previous relationship, you made most of the effort to keep it running smoothly when it came to Religion. It is not easy to go to a Church and not feel awkward or like an outcast. It's nice to hear that some positive rubbed off on you. However, this does not take the responsibility off of your former partner. See, if she understood and appreciated your effort, she would be open to some give and take. If the issue was difference and Religion, she should have suggested some sort of counselling. For real. I mean maybe with the Pastor, or just a vent session - where both of you speak your mind. Religion aside. Also, a person cannot be told when they are convicted, everybody does it in their own time, if and when they do. For a Religious person to push it down another's throat, is disrespectful and ironically, not Christ-like. Maybe, she was embarrassed by you due to the fact that you weren't of her Faith and her Church community expressed this problem to her. She may care to much what people think. Now the question is, who are they to judge?

 

You haven't failed, nor have you wasted your time. You said that you have tried your best and that is more than enough. I hope however, that if you do meet another lady, she has a much gentler approach with Religion (if she is Religious) and that you have a much better experience. I hope that when you say you "give up", it is only on this relationship not on future, most-likely more fruitful relationships. You can only change so much of yourself before losing your integrity and regretting in the future. Good luck and I hope you get better.

 

[SuperMonk]

"Religion is Poison" - Chairman Mao.

[SMHappyface]

I may get in trouble for this, but I want to post from the other side of the religious spectrum. I do attend church and consider myself a Christian. I think there is a difference between Religious People and Christians. IMO, the people that break up relationships over religion are those who act all "holier than thou" which are more in it like a cult or fraternity. Religion can be a big breaking point, but it's not necessarily the Christian's fault - upbringing, economic, race can all bring differences into the relationship which may be too hard to handle. I dated a non-christian. The reason we broke up was not that he didn't go to church with me, but because he cheated on me. Religion should not be set on a pedalstle anymore than any other difference. If you don't want to marry a non-Christian, don't date one. But if you do, keep your mouth shut and don't nag them!

[suegail]

I tend to agree with the person who said this may not have been the true reason for the breakup. I'm not calling her a liar, but I think it's true that sometimes when feelings change it's hard to even explain it to yourself, and you wind up looking for reasons - - and she may have convinced herself this is the problem because she can think of no other.

 

Don't feel that you've failed, because it surely doesn't sound as if you did in any way....something changed with her and you just had no control over that.

[AriaIncognito]

I agree with SMHappyFace. I've dated from atheist to a self proclaimed "jesus freak". I myself was born and raised christian, but I'm not active in the church. Spiritual but not religious, maybe. Either way, I don't begrudge anybody their religion (or lack thereof I suppose though I can't say I was able to totally understand the atheist thing) as long as they don't preach to me about mine. My most recent ex (or whatever I need to label him as right now) is the "jesus freak) as he put it but he has never once preached to me, nor does he preach to others. He's just strong in his own faith. To me, that's the way to go. I've yet to break up with somebody over religion. Over having differing wants/needs, sure.

 

Jennifer

[Woggle]

I guess I am lucky in my situation. I am a believer in god that doesn't really follow a specific faith and she is a christian that doesn't really take it seriously but still believes in it. Religion is not an issue. No offense to any deeply religious people but I doubt I could ever be with a super fundamentalist woman.

[westernxer]

. No offense to any deeply religious people but I doubt I could ever be with a super fundamentalist woman.

 

Amen.

 

I don't mind a little spirituality (and common sense), but I think religious incompatibility is a killer, because religion involves a sense of community and social status. Sad to say, some people really are shallow when it comes to this, but maybe this is due to some underlying issue they have with people in general.

 

I left religion after college, and some of the girls my family set me up with had a legitimate problem with it. I resolved this by staying away from religious girls. No more matchmaking either.

 

I thought I could be open-minded about this, but experience has taught me otherwise.

[confused one]

I have known him for almost two years now. Several days ago, we had a big fight about something silly and at the end of the day, he initiated a breakup due to the difference in "religion." It might sound weird to everyone, but religion has been a continuous issue that hinders our relationship since the day it started. I don't know why I fell into him this deeply knowing that we won't have any future together. He knew and told me that he could not stay with me any longer because his family and the community in his country will not accept us, and that I would find someone better than him. I did believe him when he said this because once a guy says that he cannot take care of you, you'd better believe it. After religious issue come multiple problems that can never be resolved for almost 2 years now. If it's not for the difference religion, we would be more willing to fix these problems knowing that it will do something good about our future. But the kind of future does not even exist and there is no way for any of us to just forget about everything and move on with our lives. I am sad and tired. I am even convinced that there is nothing about him that I even like. But I just love him the way I do, and this hurts me so much. Even though we are still together now, I am trying to find a way out of this relationship, slowly and surely, so that my heart will heal gradually to deal with the eventual breakup.

He's a good man, a family man. It will be his family that eventually he will go with. I understand that time is actually not helping but killing his feeling for me and leading us towards the end that has been waiting for us.