How can I do better in my next relationship?

[WindWalker123]

 

Hey guys, my ex just ended our 7 months relationship today. I really want to reach out to you guys because I've been feeling terrible, confused and lost and hope that you can help me understand better.

 

Im 24F and he is 31M. There were many signs of incompatibility in our relationship but I though love could conquer all and we could overcome any difficulties. However he thinks that we may have different needs for affection and intimacy (I am from an Asian family and where the family members rarely show affections by physical gesture and my ex was french) due to our personality/cultural difference. This made him feel not good since intimacy is a way for him to express love.

 

I tried to change this aspect of me by initiating more physical contacts and spending more time with him together, doing more activities. He says he has seen improvement but it is simply not enough to sustain his need and he feels no connection.

He likes to spend more time together and enjoy couple romance while I have a busy schedule (I work full time, study part-time and have personal projects on the side and some family members to attend to). By the end of our relationship our situation turned into where he waits for me to organize an activity and invite him because he is not sure on what days i would be available. I felt like I was the only one initiating.

 

Another perhaps, bad side of me is I can be superficial where I like to have surprises and nice gifts (not like crazy expensive stuff, just some nice things on valentines day and birthdays and random days), i think this aspect of me really puts pressure on him since money is tight for him because he lives alone and his job is his only source of income. I tried to surprise him when I visit him (like ice cream, souvenirs from my travel and etc) And i was waiting for the same in return. He does return the favor but not very willingly.

 

This is not the first time he brings up the break up topic, and I have a rough idea of the reason why. He thinks that I change my mind a lot about what I want in life.

 

Im a very open minded person and I developed a very "freestyle" personality. where I'm willing to try anything and can change my mind a lot. I suppose its due to my job where creativity is demanded on a daily basis (I'm a designer).

 

This has sort of influenced my personality and made me "inconsistent"...

 

For example I could be feeling like going to bowling but on the next day I want to go see movies instead. Some day I would want expensive gifts and other days I want to stay home. Sometimes I want to see my ex more often during a week and sometime I don't, there are also weeks where I would socialize and hang out with my friends and another week where I just stay home and play video games. Of course, there are also days where I made a plan and acted within the plan.

 

According to my ex my personality is very contradicting and it makes him very confused about what I want and he can't take it anymore (on top of our other incompabilities like the lack of affection from my part).

 

Folks...This is the second time where I received comments from previous partners about my contradicting personality, lack of affection and time, it really sucks because I would like to do something about it and I don't want to fail another relationship anymore.

I've tried to stay consistent my this mind changing thing bothers me. It's like when i said that I like icecream, i truly mean it at that moment. And the next day when i said no ice cream I also truly meant what I said at that moment.

 

I have no resentment against my ex and truly respect his decisions to end our relationship. He didn't seem happy with me.

 

It just hurts a lot and I really want to turn this negative emotions into something that pushes me forward and to improve the flaws in my personality. Has anyone had similar experience with this "contradicting and inconsistent personality"? Has anyone had a relationship working full time while studying part time ? I have a feeling that the lack of time on my side and the personality flaws is what is failing my romantic relationships.

 

I would really like to find love. Is it an absolute necessity to become "consistent" in a relationship and have very sufficient time on hand?

Sometime I wonder if there's someone like me out there...I feel like an oddball a lot.

[mammasita]

Oh wow, you just really sound all over the place.......AND THATS OK!

 

As far as I can tell, you don't need a relationship right now. Do what makes YOU happy, and it sounds like you have a busy enough schedule to not even think about having a man in your life and not think twice about it.

[healing light]

It sounds like you and your ex had different love languages. His was physical touch and yours is gifts. That's not anything to be ashamed of, but that also means that you have to make a conscious effort to express love in the language that each other understand in order to feel loved.

 

Also, it sounds like you're very spontaneous and he was more of a planner. I could see where this would put strain on your relationship.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, per se, but if a partner is perceiving your spontaneity as a lack of reliability, you may want to work on that or meet in the middle if they're not that way.