Processing breakup from first love

[Neruda20]

I am having trouble making sense of my breakup. Perhaps some of you may be able to assist me.

 

Background: A mutual friend introduced my ex (23/F) and me (30/M). Despite my initial hesitation over our age difference, we dated for nearly 2 years (20 months to be exact), and had a beautiful run for 17 months. I was her first relationship. She was my first love.

 

She graduated from college last May and moved to the midwest to begin a teaching-service fellowship. At the time, we were discussing a future together with her telling me that she wanted to marry me. We had put together a plan for frequent visitation and regular communication to maintain a healthy long-distance relationship, including her visiting my family for the first time for the July 4 weekend.

 

Shortly after starting her program, communication fell apart. I presumed she was busy with classes and assignments and took the lead with texting and calling, but my messages were rarely returned. Within two weeks of the program, she started voicing concerns about a lack of sustenance in our conversations despite not contributing much to them. She promised improvement on her end, but I became painfully aware that if we were going to talk, I had to be the one to suggest and pursue it. Two weeks before meeting my family, she dropped the first hint of things to come. She said, "The way that communication has gone since we last talked about improving on it has not been working for me." I decided to double down and try harder. Regardless of my efforts, I felt like she was disengaging from me. She set aside for community and held herself to those commitments, in particular spending time with a guy friend (who we can call Tom). I understood that community was a very important part of the program - as fellows live with these persons throughout the school year - and that I misread some of her male friendships in the past, so I brushed aside my concerns.

 

By late-June, the shift in the relationship was evident when she dropped the second hint. She told me that, "We should not look to the future too much." This was nearly a month after her declaring her intent to spend her life with me and marry me. I started to question whether she was becoming infatuated with someone else. I feared that in my absence someone had started laying the grounds to be my replacements. My suspicions were furthered when she began to inquire whether I still wanted her to visit my family. She kept suggesting that maybe I would like to spend time with family alone. I was too lovesick (or stupid) to see that she was seeking permission not to come to visit. However, when in Georgia, she made the shift in her feelings painfully obvious. Though she was with me, she wasn't present. She spent more time snap-chatting or texting Tom than engaging me or my family. I didn't push the issue, as I felt her pulling away and did not want to alienate her even more, but the way she talked about Tom was pure infatuation. There were also two instances were she seemed to pick small fights, which felt like she was egging me to break up with her. I asked her plainly if she wanted to be in the relationship with me, and she insisted that she did and we recommitted to our earlier effort.

 

Fast forward to late August, with no improvement on her end, she calls me to break up. She cites a lack of communication and distance as the primary issues. She then goes on to say that "I cannot love you how you love me right now" and insists that "we may be able to get back together." She told me she would understand if I did not want to talk to her again. Not understanding no-contact as a great tool to help an ex appreciate you through absence, I told her that all I wanted to do was talk to her. So we continued conversing until late October. We sent "I miss you" messages and snaps throughout the course of September and October. In November, she became quiet, which I attributed to her classes coming to a close. We exchanged Thanksgiving greetings and she texted me a birthday message in December. Over MLK weekend, I discovered she was in Philadelphia visiting Tom, who she is now dating. I felt betrayed given how she cited distance as an issue with her being in Denver and me in NYC. At the time of breakup, we promised to tell the other if we were seeing someone else so that the other party wouldn't be caught off guard. I had a meltdown and pushed her away, borderline accusing her of emotional cheating. Per a mutual friend's suggestion, she blocked me on all forms of social media and will not engage me again until our mutual friend feels we are ready to be friends. Truth be told, I do not want to be friends. It will not be authentic. I will always want more. I will always want her as my first and last love.

 

Maybe some of you have had a similar experience and can help me. I just do not know how to process this. I still love this girl. I connected to her in a way that I have never connected to any of my previous partners. She had the uncanny ability to reach beyond my heart to touch my soul.

 

We have been in complete no contact (2 months now). I have identified areas where I fell short in the relationship (needy, clingy, toxicity that I carried over from my job, which I have since quit) and started working on self-improvement. I have accepted that our relationship died, but I can't help asking why. What happened? Did she emotionally cheat and couldn't handle me confronting her over it? Is she experiencing grass is greener syndrome? How does someone go from being madly in love and talking about marriage to being completely checked out a few weeks later? It's been 6 months since we broke up, and I am no closer to understanding how the most beautiful part of my life died.

 

Thank you.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Neruda20
Grammar error

[Young mind]

Answers are in your last paragraph, the time from NC is only 2mos, this your mind still processes this breakup, TIME is the only factor you need.

 

Popular opinion states "she checked out a long time ago" , whatever that means is the least of your concern, you said you being self-improving yourself, keep it up, those are your goals, strive to achieve, time will heal your wounds

[ExpatInItaly]

If she was spending more time seeing and communicating with this other guy at the expense of her relationship with you, then yes, it's likely that she was at least emotionally cheating.

 

She is still very young and likely not really ready for marriage, kids, all of that. A lot people daydream about it - or even make promises for the future - before they are truly ready to commit to one person forever. It hurts when you realize those big plans were not solid promises. First loves are rarely ever people's last loves these days, and she's not done growing and exploring.

 

All you can do is continue to stay out of contact and give yourself time. I don't think you did anything wrong; it just seems circumstances didn't lend themselves to the viability of this relationship.

[canadaman817]

First off, you are very brave for making it through this. It is incredibly difficult to be at the mutual point of knowing you and your girlfriend want to be married, only for things to turn around very quickly. Feelings can change almost inexplicably. It can take a long time to process, but thankfully, it can be a great time for personal reflection and growth, which I can see you're already doing. I had this happen several years ago, and now that I am finally able to put things in perspective, I am able to see that the girl was not the most beneficial or encouraging person for me, and marriage would have been a mistake for us. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I am praying for you, and I hope it will become clearer with time. Know that your relationship was not a waste of time, and that your mind is already on the right path to building itself up for future opportunities.