Loss for Words

[AvaMay]

I began dating my recent ex back in early October 2016. They were the first person I ever met through a dating app and we hit it off immediately. We had four dates in the first week and then he asked me if we could be exclusive. I said yes. We were together for over a year and the relationship continued to grow. We continued to see each other around four nights a week and he would call me every single night. Other than minor disagreements, we had never gotten into a fight and, I thought, had a really good time together. We had a ton of stuff in common and always seemed to be on the same page. People would constantly comment on how great we were together and told me how my ex would constantly talk/brag about me. I did the same with him. I loved him immensely.

 

About a year into our relationship my ex decided to attend a one year film conservatory college program in NYC, commuting from central NJ. Once he was accepted to the program I would ask him about what he thought it meant for our relationship and he always assured me that he wanted to continue to be with me. He said that all of his free time would be reserved for me. Aside from his family, I was the most important person in his life. He told me constantly that he wouldn't even have considered taking such a radical move with his life if it wasn't for me believing in him etc. He said that he isn't interested in anyone else, but me.

 

The Saturday before his classes started I became emotional about what this change might mean for our relationship. I hugged him and told him I loved him so much and that I don't want to lose him. I was crying and said that it feels like I'm saying goodbye. He held me and told me everything would be alright, that he loved me.

 

Well, his first day of classes was that Monday. About two hours into the day, he messaged me to say that he finally found where he belonged and he was coming over after classes to tell me about everything. I told him I was so happy for him to have found his place and I couldn't wait to hear about everything. He came over to tell me that he couldn't continue to be in a committed relationship. He said that actually going to the school made him realize how much of himself he would need to put into the program to make it successful so he wouldn't have anything left to give to a relationship. He told me that he realized I wasn't THE ONE for him and that he loved me but he wasn't in love with me. I obviously didn't take it well and we were arguing for the first time ever. At one point he started crying and told me he made a mistake. Not that he wanted to stay with me, just that he made a mistake. He said that he realized that most likely our relationship wouldn't have lasted the year he was in school so he thought this would be easier, like tearing off a bandage.

 

He still wanted to be friends. To keep in touch and check in on each other. We wrote each other a couple emails after the initial break-up and we had to meet up once to exchange some things we still had at each others houses. He always seemed sad or out of sorts, but he never took it back. He never said he still wanted to try. I told him that I couldn't be friends with him. Initially I told him that an occasional email would be ok, but I just couldn't be friends with him. The last straw was that I wrote him an email telling him that seeing him recently made me miss him and it really hit home that it was done. I told him I loved him so much and wished he would take it all back. He wrote me back to tell me how he knew I wasn't THE ONE, but I was the one who got him where he needed to be in life and he would always be thankful for that. I had been his best friend and I loved him in a way that, for the first time in his life, he felt that he could be comfortable in his own skin. He said that this was a transformation for him and that whatever/whoever came into his life in future would be because of the time he spent with me. He says he needs to work on himself emotionally. I wrote back and I told him I hated him. I told him that he used me and never really loved me to begin with. I loved him just because I loved him, not as a placeholder to use for comfort until he finds his way in life. I told him I never deserved to be led on like this and he would regret his decision to drop me. I told him I wish I never met him and told him to never contact me ever again. I blocked him on all social media etc. He just replied that I'm completely right about everything, he wishes me all the best, goodbye. We've had no contact since.

 

I'm just so floored and confused about all of it. He's now even gone so far as to say, out of nowhere and in contrast to everything he's said before, that he knew I wasn't the one, only a best friend, but he held onto the relationship for as long as he could. It's all just so awful. He broke my heart.

 

I miss him so much. I wish things didn't end the way they did. I wish he would realize one day what a good thing we had and feel that he deserves to be loved. What are the chances of things possibly changing? Of us talking again?

 

Btw, my ex is 39 and suffers from bi-polar disorder.

Edited February 8, 2018 by AvaMay

[Octavian8]

I really feel for you. Something very similar happened to me. I also met my ex through a dating app. Dated about 2.5 years, never really fought, always had a good time together, usually on the same page and almost thinking with the same mind. Everyone thought we were great together and we both seemed really happy.

 

About a month after I finished college she started acting weird and distant, and eventually dropped the bomb on me that she doesn't know if I'm "the one" which made no sense to me because I didn't know how two people could be any better suited for one another. But I guess she didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about her, which really sucks. I really wished for a long time my ex would realized the good thing she lost and that we had something special together, but 5 months on I haven't heard from her at all, so it doesn't seem like she's changing her mind. You can read the full story in my post history, maybe it can help you in some way, given the similarities.

 

This is really one of the worst kind of breakups because you don't really detect any issues and you don't have any opportunity to make changes or corrections. You think everything is going well and then the breakup hits you like a sucker punch from nowhere. I think you're doing the right thing for yourself sticking to no contact now, it will help you heal and preserve your dignity by not begging or doing other things you might be tempted to do right now. Don't contact him again. He doesn't value the relationship or you to the same degree you do, for whatever reason. Again, I'm really sorry this happened to you, there's lots of stories like ours unfortunately, and the keep happening. Know that you are not alone and there's lots of us out here suffering through something similar. It gave me some solace knowing I wasn't alone. Focus on YOU and your own healing and well being. The one thing I learned from all this, is no matter how much you think you can rely on others, ultimately you have to have your own back, because no one else will.

[OptimismHopeTrust]

Hi Ava,

I am so so sorry! This is hard and it is a lot of pain. You are grieving and it is going to take time. You are shocked as you never saw this coming. Sadly, it happens. Often, people think they have found the "one" because it all seems to work with the circumstances they are currently in. Then things change in one's life and they reevaluate a love relationship. It is really hard to be the one on the other end of this. A real, lasting relationship can ride out life changes, hardships, etc. As sad as it is, it sounds like he really does not want this relationship. You can't change him, you can't force him to see that he may have made a mistake. I don't think he used you. I just think he was not introspective or capable of understanding his own emotions. You need to focus on yourself. It is probably best not to have contact when you feel as you do. It can only keep the wound from healing and just add more pain on top of your immense pain. Focus on YOU. Start to do things that are healing. Get involved in something that you really enjoy....dancing, exercise, a book club, volunteering, etc. Have a plan that will distract you from thinking about him. Reach out to family and friends who will support you and love you through this. There is another person out there for you! He will come! Just take this time for you and trust that all will be well. Remember him as someone who taught you more about love and about yourself. That will be an invaluable gift in your next relationship. I wish you well.

[AvaMay]

Thank you for the replies. It really helps to know that I am not the only one who has gone through this, although I'm sorry others have felt this pain. I wish I could say that I kept to the no contact rule, but I did not. I actually met my ex for a drink last week. I hated the way we left it, that I told him I hated him and wished I'd never met him etc. We met and it was... surreal. He asked me for a hug when I got there and I swear he sighed like he missed me. We chatted and caught up on life mostly, like old friends, but we did also talk about our relationship and how confusing it all is for me. The newest thing he says now is that he loves me, cares for me, but he realized that he was never "in love" with me. He acted like he was very much in love with me throughout our relationship, so I asked him what the difference between loving someone and being "in love" is to him. I still have no idea. Everything he said is what being "in love" or loving someone means to me. He even told me that while he's been at school, he uses this journal I made for him that has pictures of us together all over the cover and that he was wearing a necklace that he had given me for Christmas, but I gave back to him when we broke up. He's also very insistent that we remain friends. It means a lot to him if we remain friends. I asked him what he envisions our being friends to look like and he says that he still wants to call me everyday and talk to me about how we're doing. I said, so what's the difference between this friendship and our romantic relationship? He just said that he can't even think about being in a committed relationship right now. He also found out that I went on a date with someone this past weekend and he got really upset about it. I re-friended him on Facebook and after he accepted my friend request he messaged me with "I typically deny friend requests from random babes..." It's just all so confusing!

[babysacay]

I'm sorry you're going through that AvaMay! People can be very confusing, telling you one thing and then acting another :/ I'm here if you need to talk!