She called... I answered

[draddict]

It was a fairly amicable breakup 2 months ago after a 2 year relationship, since then we've stayed in limited contact and in my head I know it's over but my gut doesn't agree.

 

I keep clinging on to little nuggets of hope that she's not 100% done with me yet and it's those little nuggets of hope that make it so hard to give up the hope of a fresh start and to move on... The nuggets are as follows:

 

• Since we broke up she sent an email saying "maybe in the future we can reassess us" (among other things)
   
  
• She texted and said "On one hand I'd like to see how dating slowly again would go, but on the other I don't want to lead you on".
   
  
• At one point she said she's ready to try and work on things but then changed her mind a week later after me trying to organize a time to hangout and getting only indecisiveness from her.
   
  
• She sent a drunken text saying "All I want to do is come home to you, but I can't and it's not fair" (She never told me why she can't or why it's not fair)
   
  
• She got upset and angry at the idea of me talking to other people on dating apps (which I was using to remind myself that there are other people out there... not ready to start dating again yet)
   
  
• She texted me to tell me how all her family are upset that I wasn't there at Christmas and how they keep asking when I'd be arriving.
   
  
• She bought me a Christmas present after the break up and sent a text on Christmas day saying "Merry Xmas x"
  

 

I want to send her a message basically asking if in her gut she knows its over, but at the same time I don't want to destroy any chance of a fresh start... but I can't really heal and get past this without letting go of this hope which I think I know is all in my head.

Is it right to (probably) burn that hope to the ground so I can really start to move on without an eye looking back?

 

Any opinions would be much appreciated!

[SevenCity]

This to me is the worst kind of dumping and what happened to me with the one that landed me here. I got the “maybe we’ll get back together” more times than I could count on both hands on the day she moved out over a year ago. (spoiler alert, we didn’t). For 3 months I tried and was getting increasingly close (lots of sex, I love yous, etc) but ultimately I forced her to make a decision and she left because I couldn’t live in limbo any longer.

 

I understand the predicament all too well.

 

I want to offer an alternative suggestion. Instead of burning the bridge, keep it open AND move on. Go out and date/sleep with other women but let your ex know the door is open for her if you’re still available when she makes up her mind. In the meantime, disappear like a ninja. She had to see what life is like without you.

 

If you force anything with her it will cause her to shut down. If you burn the bridge you may regret it.

 

The ideal situation is you begin to look at her as just another possibility like the women you meet online. It’s exceedingly difficult to do this if you really love her though.

 

Most people here will say block her and never look back. The reason is to prevent what you are going through now. She is weening herself off off you little by little and will reach a point where she no longer needs you. I think it’s best to allow her to feel the loss as fully as you do. Women are happy for attention and friendship whereas guys need intimacy and sex. That’s why women dumpers will often put you in friendzone and male dumpers will use you to get laid.

 

The fact is though she will likely never come back. Only when you no longer want her.

 

Oh and she said it’s not fair because she knows it would lead you on and she isn’t willing to get back together. I’ll give her that - many women don’t care.

[Bromeo]

It was a fairly amicable breakup 2 months ago after a 2 year relationship, since then we've stayed in limited contact and in my head I know it's over but my gut doesn't agree.

 

I keep clinging on to little nuggets of hope that she's not 100% done with me yet and it's those little nuggets of hope that make it so hard to give up the hope of a fresh start and to move on... The nuggets are as follows:

 

• Since we broke up she sent an email saying "maybe in the future we can reassess us" (among other things)
   
  
• She texted and said "On one hand I'd like to see how dating slowly again would go, but on the other I don't want to lead you on".
   
  
• At one point she said she's ready to try and work on things but then changed her mind a week later after me trying to organize a time to hangout and getting only indecisiveness from her.
   
  
• She sent a drunken text saying "All I want to do is come home to you, but I can't and it's not fair" (She never told me why she can't or why it's not fair)
   
  
• She got upset and angry at the idea of me talking to other people on dating apps (which I was using to remind myself that there are other people out there... not ready to start dating again yet)
   
  
• She texted me to tell me how all her family are upset that I wasn't there at Christmas and how they keep asking when I'd be arriving.
   
  
• She bought me a Christmas present after the break up and sent a text on Christmas day saying "Merry Xmas x"
  

 

I want to send her a message basically asking if in her gut she knows its over, but at the same time I don't want to destroy any chance of a fresh start... but I can't really heal and get past this without letting go of this hope which I think I know is all in my head.

Is it right to (probably) burn that hope to the ground so I can really start to move on without an eye looking back?

 

Any opinions would be much appreciated!

 

Sir, please allow me to weigh in here.

 

I, along with several others here, have been through the EXACT SAME THING YOU HAVE.

 

Lemme explain.

 

She is your ex, but doesn’t want to break ties. Most likely she is seeing someone else, and hasn’t told you, and is stringing you along while she decides if she likes the new chad.

 

You on the other hand, are going nuts wondering what she is up to, why won’t she respond, is she seeing someone, etc. she doesn’t want you seeing anyone else, but is free to do as she likes, no?

 

I would also venture she never reaches out first, and if she doesn’t ignore your messages, takes all day to respond. Stands you up on dates, etc.

 

This is the absolute worst thing post breakup. She is just like mine. Seriously. Read my thread.

 

Real talk is this, she is done, and is stringing you along. If you push too much, as I did, she will lower the boom on you and it will suck for a very, very long time.

 

During my breakup I was going nuts, and went to the bar where she worked after three weeks of N.C. She promptly told me she was seeing a man, how happy she was, etc.

 

Oh, and she made fun of me to her inbred friends.

 

Then sent me a love song two days later.

 

The insecure types dwell in the grey area. They feel it gives them more control, whereas by contrast direct communication does just that.

 

Took me a long, long time to heal. I am a remarkably different person as a result.

 

Do yourself a favor. Send her a message. Tell her how you feel, then walk away and focus on yourself.

 

Can you truly see yourself married to someone who communicates this poorly?

 

Ps after I finally told mine to #getbent, months later she liked a ton of photos of mine on Fb. By then I was healed enough to not play her games, and block her.

Edited December 28, 2017 by Bromeo

[draddict]

3 months broken up after a 2 year relationship, NC for 1 month. My phone rang at 5:15 yesterday, I've deleted her number so I didn't recognize it so I answered like a work phone call, she hung up instantly and straight away sent a text saying "sorry that was a pocket dial" (usually a pocket dial goes on longer than 5 seconds)

 

She called back an hour later, I probably shouldn't have answered... But of course I did. She said she was calling to "say Hi and to catch up", we chatted about what we've been up to for 7 minutes before I wound up the call.

 

I know I shouldn't read to much into it but it was nice to know she still thinks about me. I'm going to a concert in her city this weekend, so it makes me wonder if she called to open up communication before I got there. I still have no plans to contact her while I'm there though.

 

It's just thrown me for a loop because she knows I want no contact from her other than hearing she wants to work on things.

[Zahara]

After reading your past thread, she's just doing what she's always done. I wouldn't pay any attention to it.

 

And the fact that she knows you want no contact unless it's to rekindle, should tell you how selfish she is and that she is more concerned about herself.

[browzer]

Sounds like an honest mistake, she said as much.

[d0nnivain]

I always thought a pocket dial was when you moved & your phone redialed the last number you called. If that is the case, there is no reason this was a pocket dial.

 

It was deliberate. When the OP answered formally she chickened out or got upset that he didn't recognize her number. Then she thought about it for a while & called back.

 

 

OP -- I think you are better off saving that number in your phone under something mean like "EX" or the B word, something that will remind you not to call her but with a label so you know it's her when she continues to play this game.

[draddict]

That she knows I only want to hear from her if she wants to work on things makes me wonder if she contacted me to open up communication to that effect.. or if she's just stringing me along again.

Also that I'm going to be in her city this weekend makes me wonder if she contacted me as a soft entry before contacting me again when I'm in town.

 

I've been doing pretty well getting over her (new job, new place, working out, working on confidence and dating people) hearing from her has put her back in the forefront of my mind again which is frustrating.

 

Either way, I've just got to remain committed to NC (even though I really want to ask why she bothered to call me), have a good time at this concert and see what the future holds.

[Zahara]

That she knows I only want to hear from her if she wants to work on things makes me wonder if she contacted me to open up communication to that effect.. or if she's just stringing me along again.

Also that I'm going to be in her city this weekend makes me wonder if she contacted me as a soft entry before contacting me again when I'm in town.

 

I've been doing pretty well getting over her (new job, new place, working out, working on confidence and dating people) hearing from her has put her back in the forefront of my mind again which is frustrating.

 

Either way, I've just got to remain committed to NC (even though I really want to ask why she bothered to call me), have a good time at this concert and see what the future holds.

 

If she wanted to work things out, she would have mentioned it. You told her contact only if she wanted to reconcile so she knows your terms and your desires. Based on her history with you and the content of her contact, I believe it was more breadcrumbing.

 

Stay NC. I would suggest you block her to keep your sanity. This is why blocking is helpful when it comes to self-preservation.

[browzer]

I always thought a pocket dial was when you moved & your phone redialed the last number you called. If that is the case, there is no reason this was a pocket dial.

 

I was having dinner at home one night when my phone started talking to me from my pocket. Turns out I pocket dialed a guy who is half of a couple who me and the gf socialize with on occasion. I hadn't called him or texted him in weeks or months, hadn't spoken to him at all in fact.

 

Somehow my unlocked phone opened my contact list, randomly scrolled to his name and called him.

 

It happens.

[draddict]

As to the pocket dial, my name starts with an A, so I do get the odd pocket dial. After the first call, she texted saying"sorry that was a pocket dial" I replied with "No worries, that's the hazard of having an A name."

 

That contact was resolved, she had no need to call again an hour later

[Been]

Here it is and I've gone through the something except it lasted on and off for YEARS.

 

She doesn't want to be with you yet she doesn't want you out of her life-kinda like your the back up plan if all else fails.

 

Your waiting. And waiting. Replaying certain events in your mind looking for a different outcome. But here's the thing: no matter what you would have done it would have still been the same result. Remember that.

 

Leave the door open for what? So she can come and go as she pleases?

 

Here's the thing. Somewhere down the road with her you became a beta male. You allowed her to do things that weren't good for you and you made excuses for her. You let her dictate the relationship and you just followed along until she led you right into a wall.

You know what you want so tell her what you want and what you expect. If she can't meet those expectations she needs to kick rocks.

And all this back and forth crap-put a stop to that. She wants to be with you-awsome. She doesn't ? Sucks but its better then having someone walk all over you.

Right now your not living. Your the walking dead aimlessly walking around not knowing what to do- I was just like you. Begging,pleading,wanting so much for her to take me back I just got tired of it. Tired of the stupid texts with multiple meanings. Tired of somehow she was the victim in all this even know it was her doing. Tired of waiting.

All of us live ONCE. Its in are control on how we live. On how we let others treat us. On what we want.

Living in limbo isn't living. Start living. Start making decisions for YOU.