jorainbow Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Long story short - 4 year marriage - 1 affair with a work colleague and finding him on Internet dating sites plus a car accident caused by his temper in year 2 and I knew I should have asked him to leave which before the car accident I had started the process but that led to a bad case of shock and anxiety and I didn't feel strong enough. We went to counselling and he said he now knew how deal with communication and anger better and though I wasn't sure we plodded along for another year. As I got better I was just expected to forget what happened and accept he was trying really hard. At xmas he had another blow up over me having a joke (though he has since changed his mind about what it was) and I took a big breath and asked for a break to see where we both were with things. Whilst this will be hard it will be easier than dealing with daily arguing. He is still in the home and when asked if accommodation at the hospital he works at is sorted he's suddenly become vague - it was yesterday but then it wasnt. I gave him spare rooms website but applied as well for him - I got a reply he didn't? He's becoming evasive, has unfriended me on facebook (fine if he wants) but also so I can't see his friends list and he's done the same to all my family. Because I mentioned he hadn't stuck to our agreed domestic bill split and he wasn't buying food he started buying for himself. And then when I get angry I'm the bad guy who needs my head checking which bearing in my mind my anxiety is really unkind. As a complete curve ball yesterday he was really nice even meeting me at the pool so I could have a swim after work. I'm not sure if he's angling to stay but I actually felt worse now - I don't understand the need to cut me out of his life if the intent is to have a break?? My mind immediately goes to worse case. Any thoughts on this mess of emotions would really help!!! I'm absolutely confused. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) Look you need to end this terrible train wreck of a relationship. You're co-dependent. You need to learn to be independent, and not base your own happiness and self-worth on a jackass like this guy. You're flogging a dead horse. Once you have accepted that, you need to sort out the practicalities. You need to see a lawyer and file for divorce. Edited January 24, 2018 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 jorainbow, Pegnose sums it up nicely - you don't have a marriage. Your husband has disrespected you big time and has one foot out of the door Of course he doesn't want to leave, as, like most cheaters, he wants to have his cake and eat it. So how long do you want to be his back-up plan? You need to get some self-respect and divorce this waste of space. I'm sorry x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Breaks in my opinion is something for high school and college kids, not something for mature adults, but my opinion for another topic. I believe your husband is having a combination of issues. First, I'm betting the "rules" and intent wasn't fully communicated secondly he is punishing you. Listen, if you want to fix this then take steps to do it, MC is a start. It takes work not separation. You don't drive your car to an empty lot and hope it gets fixed, you can't do that with a marriage either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted January 24, 2018 Author Share Posted January 24, 2018 I agree totally with the break situation though he has definitely confirmed he is going so that's fine - at least I now have some clarity. I'm main breadwinner with a good job and social life and brought up my boys happily on my own for 10 years so being on my own isn't going to be a problem once I get things sorted. Looking at why I accepted the behaviour is something I will address. I've offered to pay for counselling he won't go and I can't force him so the attention turns to me. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 No wonder you are confused. You can't take a break & still live in the same house. Somebody has to move out. Speak to a lawyer about your rights / best play here. This relationship doesn't seem fixable to me. He's angry & petty, a terrible combination. Live apart & call it what it really is -- a trial separation as a prelude to divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger123 Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 I feel for you as you may have a difficult job getting him to move out. Yes he may of agreed but then the reality kicks in. He probably doesn't know what to do with him self. All sorts are going though his head as well. You and the home are his safety net. Is the home in both names or just yours? I would suggest you look at the legalities to see where you stand and what you can do to have him leave. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 Is the home in both names or just yours? I would suggest you look at the legalities to see where you stand and what you can do to have him leave. Since they are married it makes no difference whose name the house is in. They both have a legal right to live there since it is a marital home. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 (edited) I agree totally with the break situation though he has definitely confirmed he is going so that's fine - at least I now have some clarity. I'm main breadwinner with a good job and social life and brought up my boys happily on my own for 10 years so being on my own isn't going to be a problem once I get things sorted. Looking at why I accepted the behaviour is something I will address. I've offered to pay for counselling he won't go and I can't force him so the attention turns to me. Thanks! Forget counseling and seek a divorce. He's blocking you on FB because he has another woman. I thought you were going to file for divorce in April 2017. Edited January 24, 2018 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted January 24, 2018 Author Share Posted January 24, 2018 Its a house in my name and as its rented from the local authority he has no rights at all - already checked this with my landlord. Yes I was going to stillafool I was but didnt feel strong enough - the car accident and resulting PTSD knocked me for six and he was being very supportive up to the point I started feeling stronger and started questioning his behaviour and tantrums. Then he reverted back to type. Since I wrote this very early this morning, Ive taken steps to sort things out for me - he has said he is going. Ive spent the afternoon looking at practical issues from dog walking ( he was the main walker due to working shifts) to bank accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 24, 2018 Share Posted January 24, 2018 he has no rights at all - already checked this with my landlord. I guess your landlord doesn't have a family law degree because he is wrong about that. I'm guessing you're in the UK based on your spellings so here is the relevant law: https://www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/renting-your-rights-to-your-home-during-divorce-or-dissolution Check the section headed "If the tenancy agreement is in your ex-partner’s name". He has the right to live there and if you try to have him thrown out he can apply for Home Rights which will give him the legal right to carry on living there for as long as you're married. he has said he is going That's great, if he leaves voluntarily then it will make things much easier for you. But saying he is going to leave and actually leaving are two very different things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted January 24, 2018 Author Share Posted January 24, 2018 Thanks for the info - he's leaving so its a moot point anyway - maybe the person on the help desk wasn't well informed - I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
momonthego Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 I think you both need to sit down and have a real heart to heart conversation. Even though he was the one who had the affair and was caught on the dating sites, he probably doesn't want to relive the experience or have it be a constant reminder. If he is trying his best in his way to move forward but it seems that his efforts are not appreciated, he may shut down. I know this may seem unfair but there really is not a fair situation when it comes to things like this. It isn't fair that you have to live with the hurt and pain and he seemingly gets off free but for your own peace and sanity, you have to learn how to let go of the past, forgive him, and move forward. If you both agreed to a break, what does that include? If he doesn't keep his end of the bargain, don't fuss at him about it because then he is going to feel like you are treating him like a child. Live by the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. You aren't condoning anything he has done, you just aren't allowing his actions to rob you of your joy and peace. I do understand what you are going through and how you feel. The best thing to do too is to not react when you are emotional. Don't do anything drastic. Wait until you have calmed down and you have a clear head. I pray the best for you both because it is easy to walk away and much harder to choose to stay and weather through the storms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 Thanks momonthego. The things is I wasn't constantly reminding him - the blow up at Christmas wasn't related to that at all. We had counseling at the beginning of last year where we discussed communication and one of the things the arose was talking to me when issues happen instead of letting them build up. Apparently I'd said a couple of things in a way he didn't like. The past year I was recovering from the car accident but we spent lots of the time workong on and getting on with married life. If I did mention the infidelity it was calmly and from a point of view of me healing. In fact even after the Christmas debacle we spent days out together so it csnt be said I haven't tried. He won't discuss any boundaries to a break - he's calling all the shots and the only time he is civil is when I don't discuss anything.- very much behaving like a child! This means though that he has no 'end of the bargain' to keep. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 26, 2018 Share Posted January 26, 2018 He won't discuss any boundaries to a break Right, because he doesn't want to admit he has another woman lined up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jorainbow Posted January 26, 2018 Author Share Posted January 26, 2018 cant say I don't agree with you! Link to post Share on other sites
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