sdraw108 Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 My girlfriend cheated on me over the summer last year, and left for another country to be with the other person in November. NC has been on and off and I'm now on day 2 of the latest round of NC which I hope this time will be permanent (excluding certain practical issues which will need to be resolved in the future but aren't urgent so can be ignored for now). The thing is, she did this because she fell in love with a second person, not because she wanted to leave me. She has spent the entire time torn, wishing it hadn't happened, and discussing hypothetical scenarios in which she would come back. She has also acknowledged (and I agree) that the new relationship is doomed because they are essentially incompatible. In one of our final conversations, she said something along the lines of, "if this relationship breaks down and I want to come back, whether in 2 months or in 2 years, I will find you". I have repeatedly told her that I will not want her back, nor will I want to ever be friends with her in the future, due to the way she treated me. But no matter what I've said, I have been unable to get her to actually believe it, and she is completely convinced that she can waltz back into my life any time she likes. I know her well enough to know that it is quite likely she will try to reconcile with me when the new relationship fails. I'm not looking for advice on implementing NC, or on how to convince her I won't take her back. I'm done with all that. My question is a simple one - how do I stop this from slowing down my healing process? I want to move on, but I know that some small part of my brain is thinking "she will be back one day", and even though rationally I don't want her to come back, emotionally I feel that this knowledge is holding me back from learning how to forget about her. Anyone else ever experienced this? A dumper who you know will be back one day? Link to post Share on other sites
SpecialJ Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 First of all, you don't know. Not really. But more importantly, it doesn't matter what she wants or if she'll be back. The only thing you need to think about at this point is YOU and what YOU want. Probably not to be with a cheater, right? Try to focus on yourself as you heal, try to think less and less about what she's doing and her possible perspective. Making yourself your main priority and doing things that will build your self esteem back up while you're single is really the way to move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 She didn’t want to leave you? You can’t seriously believe that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
trustyourself Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 I experienced this. With my current ex. She is with someone else now. Since around August I believe. We broke up December 2016, she would contact me all the time. at least once a month like clockwork. Then she asked me to try again in June. That lasted two weeks before she broke it off again (She cheated in that period of time!). Went complete NC, until she reached out to me beginning of November. We met up, she was very flirty, even though I asked if she was seeing someone, which she admitted to. Still kissed me good bye, asked if I saw a future with her blah blah. Texting me all week. I told her we couldnt talk if she is seeing someone else. Been NC since. I can tell she still has feelings for me, but its done. She has chosen to be with someone else. Could we reconnect 5 years from now? Maybe. Would it work? Who knows? What you have to realize is that what they are doing is all words. No action. Sure, she might come back one day, but she probably wont. I still wonder if she will try to come back one day, but I force myself to move forward as if she will not. Meet new people, date, and you will fall in love with someone else, and she will be a distant memory and you can politely decline if she decides to try and re-enter your life. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 You could choose to let go of her on your own. Leave the relationship and no matter what she does you only control yourself. If she comes she comes, if she doesn't she doesn't. Your sole focus should be on yourself and anything to make you a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
Frostedflake Posted January 17, 2018 Share Posted January 17, 2018 The thing is, she did this because she fell in love with a second person, not because she wanted to leave me. Well step one is to stop deflecting the healing with this lie. YOU don't have to be a terrible, abusive person to be left. The fact is she wasn't feeling fulfilled and went out seeking another person. It didn't 'just happen'. Cupid didn't assassinate her with a secret arrow in the prime of your relationship. She did it on her own accord and with no respect for you (if you were still officially dating at this time or working through it.) Remove her from that pedestal. Stop believing the best about her because it wasn't true. People that are good for you and care don't put "new love" between you. Start thinking about the truth. The ugly part of it. It's gonna hurt like hell and shatter every illusion you have. But if you want to forget I recommend starting there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sdraw108 Posted January 17, 2018 Author Share Posted January 17, 2018 She didn’t want to leave you? You can’t seriously believe that? I have good reasons to believe it. For several months she went back and forth between me and the other person, even going so far as to blocking them at times (I stupidly took her back, but that's a separate point). Before she left for the final time she booked a very expensive flight to be with them, went to the airport and then couldn't bring herself to board it so she missed it and came home. After she left for real she spent the next couple of months talking about coming home. She is a very immature person in a lot of ways who doesn't understand her own feelings very well and tends to act on impulse. The situation she has moved to is a ridiculous one. She is in a foreign country, with no money, no job (or legal way to get one), and living at the expense of the other person, who she has been having arguments with since day 1 and doesn't enjoy sex with. Even her own parents both think she will regret her decision and want to undo it sooner or later. I'm explaining all this just to provide background info. Please don't interpret this as me hoping she will coming back, or clinging to the idea that she might. I'm past that point. But the fact is there is a good chance she will turn up again at some point, and that is weighing on me emotionally even though I don't want her to come back and know she is bad for me as a partner. I've never had this situation before in a breakup. My previous ones have always been "cleann". We break up, go NC, and I know I'll never hear from them again. It's easy to focus on healing like that. It's harder when they could show up again at some unspecified time in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
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