What's the deal with NC ?

[rubyjuly]

I was wondering, I was here briefly about six years ago and just recently came back, so am not really familiar with the world of loveshack... I started to notice seems like every other thread I read talks about no contact. I understand the necessity can arise in abusive relationship breakups or... if the partner has a bonafide narcisstic personality disorder-- for that type of situation where contact is often a means to be further hurt.

But a lot of the threads I read or where NC is mentioned it is being like standard recommended-- I was wondering why the big need or is it like a thing here where everyone's doing it so people just automatically do it because it's the thing to do?

I'm not saying there aren't those uncommon situations where it's needed with an ex who's abusive but why are so many just like a automatic reflex going to extreme of NC with a person they loved and were with a long time relationship with? Just honestly wondering because the only times I've read it being recommended is for truly dysfunctional people or abusive

[Unearthed]

I am only speaking for myself but its because I loved her so much that I had to go no contact. It hurts too much to have a "normal" conversation with my ex.

[PegNosePete]

why are so many just like a automatic reflex going to extreme of NC with a person they loved and were with a long time relationship with?

Because it's the most effective way to get over someone and move on with your life.

 

Can you tell me one reason or benefit of NOT going NC when a person you loved and were with for a long time, dumped you? Especially since on these forums the reasons for the dumping is often cheating. It's impossible to be "friends" with a recent ex for whom you still have feelings so what is to be gained by not going NC? Usually contact just causes further pain, breadcrumbs and the dumpee holds on to non-existent hope of reconciliation.

[IReallyLovePuppies]

I didn't go NC cause we still share time with our puppies and cats.

 

It also help her that I am around.. I am hoping it will help to gradually ease the pain but the contact was more or less.. Agreed by her, so I don't want to say no.

 

I still do love her.. she loves me but I found that she's a different person to whom she was and I am no longer happy with her and what she did in the relationship.

 

But no.. With the kids.. NC was not an option.

[Estuarykid]

It's a useful exercise to ask yourself why you've gone NC.

 

I ask myself and find lots of reasons...

 

That I found my ex difficult to communicate with, so any further contact could very well return me to negative feelings of frustration and tension.

 

I still love her, and it would be painful to have to engage with someone who has lost all her feelings.

 

To continue contact kind of takes the focus away from or hampers a life without her. It hinders the processing of all the pain.

 

I could contact her but get no answer, which would hurt. I would rather not know what she's feeling until my broken heart can deal with it.

 

So I think NC is partly a pain-limitation exercise as well as a positive step towards your own healing and moving on. Perhaps in the future some contact can be reinstated - but heal first.

Edited January 8, 2018 by Estuarykid

[ExpatInItaly]

I have done so in the past simply because I no longer felt the need to communicate with my exes.

 

Eventually you will both start dating others anyways, and as that happens, No Contact often naturally follows. I have rarely seen two exes stay in regular contact for long periods, particularly when one meets someone else.

 

No Contact can also be a means of self-preservation, when one party didn't want the break-up. Staying in your ex's life in that case can be especially painful when it is obvious that there won't be a reconciliation.

[VisionL09]

My ex dumped me out of nowhere almost 4 months ago and NC was really the best thing i could have done for myself. I remained in her life that first month post breakup and it was really the worst and most painful month of my life because of the crap i was hearing from her. If i could go back in time, i would apply strict NC and completely get out of her life as soon as she tells me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore but i've definitely learned from what i've been through and if something like that happens to me again then i'll do better and instantly go NC so i can heal faster.

[clist8511]

I think all of the above answers make sense.

 

It's too difficult (for some) to go straight from being in bed naked, cuddling to stilted conversations about the weather once a month.

 

It's too painful to get texts from your ex and desperately scan and analyse each word and emoji hoping for some sign that they actually still love you, even though what they've actually said is "merry christmas" - lol.

 

It helps you to detach even though it's difficult. It stops you from being subject to news about their dating life which causes pain.

 

The list goes on, really.

[marky00]

hmmm, when we didnt have the Internet and phones etc, guess what happened after people broke up. They never spoke to each other again. So it's actually been like that for centuries.

[stockyoldfrump]

It's important because it allows you to heal and also allows you to behave decently when, frankly, you're often not going to based on desperation, trauma, and pain. It's simultaneously the best thing you can do for yourself and the most considerate thing you can do for your partner.

 

In most every situation, one party in a breakup didn't want the breakup to happen. They might understand their own failings or might have seen the relationship as problematic, but were still willing to work on things. This creates a massive power imbalance in the post-dating relationship. There's simply no way to reconcile it. In most cases, continuing communication after a break-up is a means of temporarily easing both the pain and guilt associated with your lost relationship. It enables you to make a huge decision without feeling the impact of that decision in totality. You don't have to wonder if the other person hates you and you don't have to grapple with the scope of their absence from your life.

 

But, ultimately, what is left of the relationship becomes a burden rather than anything worth maintaining. The more you work through the emotions and get used to the emotional distance, the more your entanglement with the other person seems unnatural and limiting. The dumper can't think about their next exciting date without worrying how to tell the ex and, even though he/she might want to text constantly with stories or news, they know they can't because they have to manage the other person's emotions. The dumper reads into every word hoping for a glimmer of hope. The dumper temporarily catches wind of new opportunities in life or work, but can't fully invest in them because they still have one hopeful foot in a relationship with no future. More frequently, the dumpee decides to push for reconciliation. His/her hopes are crushed all over again. The shame and pain comes back, intensified rather than muted. The dumper begins to see these continuing feelings as a burden they have to manage and begins to resent the dumpee, quietly wishing they could just consign them to the past. It's toxic and, ultimately, it either fades out or ends with another fight. Only this time, there's no dignity or affection left on either side.

[clist8511]

I must say, this has become an excellent thread for those who are struggling to stay in NC - it's basically a list of WHY you should stay in NC.

[mayonnaise]

No contact is the best way to heal. Usually because right after the break up, we're still caught up with our emotions and they usually cloud our right judgment. If we continue to stay contact, we may do things that are not right at the moment and may disrespect the break up. It also is the best way to move on... It's like deciding to quit on drugs so you have to move away from it at all costs.

[Estuarykid]

That's an excellent point - love is the drug. How clearer and significantly different the mind and heart are for going cold turkey for a few weeks. How can any perspective be gained, or emotions calmed, if you stay in contact with your ex? Whether I am the dumpee or the dumper, I do find that I make contact after a period of time, but it is usually months, 6 months or more of NC first. By that time I have a truer and fairer sense of the experience. If I feel that I have been unfairly treated however, or the relationship was fraught with difficulties in communication, it is less likely I will ever be in touch again.

[ConfusedLuke]

No contact is the best way to heal. Usually because right after the break up, we're still caught up with our emotions and they usually cloud our right judgment. If we continue to stay contact, we may do things that are not right at the moment and may disrespect the break up. It also is the best way to move on... It's like deciding to quit on drugs so you have to move away from it at all costs.

 

Ahhh NC! It gets tricky though with mutual friends, family, kids etc.

 

In my situation (un)fortunately I didn't get married or share friends with her (even though I was together for my partner for nine years). I wish I did form more of those connections with her, sometimes I think maybe she wouldn't have left...

 

I was the dumpee and I really didn't want to do NC. But she told me last time I saw her a few weeks ago 'Sometimes exes can never be friends' (even though at the time of the breakup she was crying asking if we could still be friends). She left me and now is seeing someone new.

 

In this case NC is the only way to go, maybe six months a year later but it would just cause more pain (for both of us) and most likely resentment on her end if I tried to remain in contact with her or her family.

 

The difficulty is that after so long I became lost in the relationship I had with her. I didn't form friendships with others and my own family died or went crazy and left the state.

 

Her family was my family in a way (despite her mother telling her 'she could do better'). Maybe it will work out with the new guy, maybe it won't. Despite it being well over a month now I'm still in the mode where I keep holding onto the chance of one day meeting again.

 

Sorry I'm rambling and kind of hi-jacking the thread, I'm just recounting my experience as an example of the pitfalls of remaining in contact (as to answer 'what's the deal with NC?'). The rollercoaster you go through every time you might speak to them or see them and then getting that temporary high when you do. NC enables that detachment by the dumpee that most likely occurred by the dumper in the relationship. Like another poster said there is that 'power imbalance' or moreso the gulf in mindset that it is difficult from either party to bridge without playing charades or engaging in self-delusion.

 

I have come to accept NC is really the only way to move on, even if you still hold love.

 

BTW I like like your username mayonnaise!

 

When she broke up with me I had that (spelled slightly differently) Smashing Pumpkins song. I understand it is the song about individualism (and not fitting into a particular 'scene' or fitting in with the wishes of your mother/father) but it can also apply to losing yourself in a relationship and the pain after breaking up.

 

"All our time can't be given back

Shut my mouth and strike the demons

Cursed you and your reasons

Out of hand and out of season

Out of love and out of feeling

So bad...

 

When I can, I will

Words defy the plan

When I can, I will

 

Fool enough to almost be it

Cool enough to not quite see it

Old enough to always feel this

Always old, I'll always feel this

 

No more promise, no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear me?

I just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will"

 

The lyrics seem to me going through being broken up with (regretting past things that are said, resenting the sometimes trivial reasons given by the dumper) then the feelings that sit with you and despite being so horribly rejected wanting to reach out but then coming to the realisation that it may take months or years to find yourself again...

 

'Fool enough' to almost believe you may always be attached to him/her and be alone for the rest of your life because she/he was your soulmate, condemned to be the spinster or left on the shelf. 'Cool enough' to not really see or believe the extent of the rejection ('hey maybe we can still be friends') and thus deal with the real trauma of the break-up.

 

Meanwhile in the weeks and months following you feel like you will *always* be trapped in the misery of unrequited love (thinking maybe if I was younger, or if it was merely fleeting I wouldn't care) but finally (one day hopefully) resolving that you can no longer be in sorrow, holding onto empty promise (even following 'how that person is going') but even then, when your brain knows, it is still immensely difficult to try and forge that single identity again and you still wish you could tell that person you are moving on or at least someone else ('can anybody hear me? really captures the loneliness and deflation when you are in NC and really do want to shout out you're moving onto the world but does your ex or the world care?) because the struggle is very individual, there is no benefit in having a sounding board (although it's great to post on LoveShack you are the only one to get your particular type of pain, despite many of us perhaps empathising with you it is you who have to eventually accept that this is a journey you will go through alone, even with the supporting words of friends, therapists and strangers).

 

The frustration in 'I just want to be me... When I can!' gives me shivers, the angst-ridden qualifier has so much truth in it.

 

Sometimes even when we think we are past denial and have come to a terms what we think of as understanding with the actions our ex and peace with ourselves we can move on, but then again if we are honest with ourselves sometimes we really can't let go, can't 'come to terms' and so long as that is the case it is nigh impossible to find yourself again let alone give yourself to another or progress your life many ways.

 

I guess I relate to it because I defined so much of myself through her and our relationship that after nearly a decade it is common to go through somewhat of an existential crisis, and yes like withdrawing from drugs (not that I have been an addict but I have seen first hand the effects) perhaps sometimes (edit: most of the time) the best way to go is NC.

 

I hope OP you don't feel like you're alone in this

Edited January 9, 2018 by ConfusedLuke

[Estuarykid]

"NC enables that detachment by the dumpee that most likely occurred by the dumper in the relationship."

 

That's a very good point ConfusedLuke.

[SammySammy]

For me, it's standard procedure when a relationship ends. It's the fastest and healthiest way for me to heal and move on from the relationship.

 

It's never about the ex. Not a gimmick to try to get them back.

 

NC is simply time and space for me to get myself together while I move on with my life. And, it's very effective if done correctly.

[Young mind]

Absolutely an interesting phenomenon, I don't know the dynamics of relationships 6 years ago but in the past 2/3 years, reading millions of post here, you can imagine the best option is NC, not only does it let you heal, I believe it absolves most dumpees of the guilt and shame they must have experienced post break up, most people here have been with their partners for 2+ years, and the ghosting is just unimaginable, I've been there myself, NC has helped me re-evaluate, it helps accept that There's nothing the dumpee could do to solve the situation.

I believe it's an ongoing trend, Monkey branching and jumping from the best to the next best, I still believe things were different many year ago, maybe partners didn't just disappear and block each other everywhere so frequently, however NC has been a solution for most heartbroken folks .

NC is also on a disadvantageous trend as people initiate it as a means of reverse psychology, which never works as the reason for the breakup isn't solved and esp where the dumper is hurt , the dumpee just joins the bandwagon to make him/her miss them.

[mayonnaise]

That's an excellent point - love is the drug. How clearer and significantly different the mind and heart are for going cold turkey for a few weeks. How can any perspective be gained, or emotions calmed, if you stay in contact with your ex? Whether I am the dumpee or the dumper, I do find that I make contact after a period of time, but it is usually months, 6 months or more of NC first. By that time I have a truer and fairer sense of the experience. If I feel that I have been unfairly treated however, or the relationship was fraught with difficulties in communication, it is less likely I will ever be in touch again.

 

Yes. There had been studies that going through a break up is just like withdrawing from a drug. The same part of the brain works the same. I've read it somewhere. Yes, based from my experiences, my exes and I make contact but usually 6 months or even years where feelings no longer exist. And yes if it came from an abusive relationship, I highly suggest not contacting them ever again.

[mayonnaise]

@ConfusedLuke

 

I'm sorry about what you had to go through. I'm 2months+ NC from a 4year relationship break up. I went through hell for the last few months, I couldn't imagine what you must be going through. 9 years is a very long long time and I'm sure you have invested all your life on it. How long have you been broken up? It really sucks when the person you've depended on all your life suddenly walks away. It's like a huge part of you is missing and you don't know how to fill it back again.

 

That's interesting. I might listen to that song today.

[mayonnaise]

NC is also on a disadvantageous trend as people initiate it as a means of reverse psychology, which never works as the reason for the breakup isn't solved and esp where the dumper is hurt , the dumpee just joins the bandwagon to make him/her miss them.

 

I have to admit that at first this was my reason of doing NC. that maybe it will make the ex miss me and come back to me. It's just part of the grieving process... Denial. But as time goes by, your mind starts to work again and you start seeing things clearly. Only can you understand and start to heal. That's why NC works either way.

[SevenCity]

Another advantage is it gives you something you can actively do. You’ll want to call them, text them, write them love letters,convince them you were meant to be. In the end this all does nothing but make you feel worse.

 

With NC, you are actively doing something....the only thing you can do.

[Blanco]

For me, it's been about self-preservation. When you've been dumped or had your hand forced into ending a relationship, things regarding your ex are generally magnified. You over-analyze and read too much and make too much of every little thing they say or do. You drive yourself crazy. God help you if you're privy to any information of them dating/sleeping with others while you're still hung up on them.

[mayonnaise]

For me, it's been about self-preservation. When you've been dumped or had your hand forced into ending a relationship, things regarding your ex are generally magnified. You over-analyze and read too much and make too much of every little thing they say or do. You drive yourself crazy. God help you if you're privy to any information of them dating/sleeping with others while you're still hung up on them.

 

It's also self preservation in a way that you don't decrease your value by trying to beg them back, etc.

[Estuarykid]

I also think that the dumpee going NC kind of compels the dumper to follow suit. If we ever have any hope of a reconciliation or being understood, we need the person who broke our heart to have time, space and silence to reflect. I'm not suggesting NC as a means to get your ex back though. It is just a natural consequence of going NC that the dumper is also given an opportunity for reflection.

[ConfusedLuke]

I also think that the dumpee going NC kind of compels the dumper to follow suit. If we ever have any hope of a reconciliation or being understood, we need the person who broke our heart to have time, space and silence to reflect. I'm not suggesting NC as a means to get your ex back though. It is just a natural consequence of going NC that the dumper is also given an opportunity for reflection.

 

But the anxiety is sometimes they may never reflect. Especially if they have people close to them 'supporting their decision' and have monkey branched less than a week later to another they had been getting to know for months.

 

In my situation my ex's one best friend never really warmed to me.

 

My ex never really understood why 'I didn't like her' (I never disliked the best friend but I preferred not to meet up with her if it were an option). She wondered that when my ex came and said things to me like 'When X (her best friend) was nearing her LTR with Y (best friend's ex) she told me it felt like this - that it was just 'lust'" trying to undermine our relationship (these were seeds planted years ago at a time when we hadn't been physically intimate in a while - which is ironic considering what 'lust' traditionally is).

 

Unfortunately I didn't have the wherewithal and didn't feel comfortable calling out the ex's friend for attempting to sabotage our relationship.

 

Letting what I thought were sleeping dogs lie (not engaging with the best friend) and trusting my ex that she could come to me if she felt there were issues and could see that her best friend was trying to break us ruined our relationship. The ex's best friend has been single for a decade and hooks up with new guys on tinder all the time (not that that's a bad thing but I think she wanted her friend - my ex to be single as well so that they both could together 'experience all life has to offer' in terms of guys and share stories - Carrie Bradshaw style).

 

She has known her for fifteen years - since school.

 

My ex told me she would never take dating advice from her but one can imagine if she is crying to her best friend and with the attitude she had what things were said by her best friend to draw her away from me.

 

I came home from work one day a few months ago and I overheard a conversation she was having with her best friend who was trying to arrange a picnic with this other guy she hadn't seen in years and telling my ex how funny he is and that you will really like him etc. like my ex wasn't in a relationship with me and we weren't even together for nine years!

 

Of course when asked it was all innocent and her best friend 'was just trying to organise something fun to do' and that she wasn't interested in him anyway but I heard the words that were said. Still she reassured me and I believed her.

 

...This wasn't the guy from the exchange program who she is now seeing, I did see her texting him on WhatsApp and her giggling but when asked 'do you like this guy?' I was told he was just sending her memes and again was 'just a college friend'. I trusted her.

 

In the end it was her decision, I just don't think she will ever reflect so long as she has people around her cheering her on saying she had 'courage' for leaving a relationship that had 'run it's course' etc. In the fullness of time it is obvious that she was becoming detached, I missed so many flags, she even asked me in the last six months why I wasn't still friends with my exes (I only had two from when I was a teen) still I didn't think it was that odd (even though I recall it now) I think we were watching an Adele video or something so there was some context to it but now it takes on new meaning.

 

I was not an abuser our relationship had just grown stale (I admit this but I still believe the love was there to liven things up and that this was just a trough - not an end point - I asked her if she was happy all the time and she would say she was 'fine') but I feel like they painted me out like a mill-stone around her neck and all of a sudden I became the scapegoat for everything wrong in her life.

 

Meanwhile she was in college enjoying Spanish and this guy was getting the best side of her and taking her out alone dancing without me knowing (I thought she was just socialising with her friends from class).

 

Go figure.

 

We really loved each other.

 

It's just unfortunate we had no one supporting our relationship (we weren't addicts or bringing the worst out in each other, we both don't even drink, but her friends and even mother thought she could do better). It's unfortunate that she never felt comfortable coming to me when she felt the relationship starting to slide - until the end when she was the silent assassin (all of a sudden sitting me down and ending it - after already telling her best friend and mother of her decision - the break up occuring two days after she came back from a week long 'girls trip' with her best friend and another new girlfriend I hadn't met yet).

 

I'm a decent full time admin worker (why I couldn't go on week long trips, aside from them being girl's trips or go out dancing to 1am in the morning on week nights with her college friends) and consider myself a pretty good guy but I don't have many friends, money (not for lack of budgeting but just rent, bills, fuel etc.) or family and drive a run down old Toyota so on a surface level when things aren't panning out or were exciting and romantic they were all like 'why are you still bothering with him - go experience life!' ugh.

 

Maybe one day she will reflect, maybe she won't, but to bring it back to the topic at hand the point of NC for eventually those 'does she miss me?' 'does she regret?' 'what if?' etc. thoughts to go away.

 

Also with NC you don't have to hear less than two weeks later how 'she has never been so happy' with her new beau and feel completely gutted that she is comparing relationships, feeling like she has found a better 'replacement'.

 

Also getting hit with words I know she would never say and her friends or mother has told her like 'At your age it may be difficult but you really need to develop support networks' and when saying you still care about her, her going 'sometimes exes can never be friends' (again sounding like it's regurgitated from some online think piece her friend read and told her to say). The reason I think it's the friend because the first thing she did when we saw each other was 'don't try and make things better with my friends' which was odd because I wasn't considering contacting them + I didn't know things were that bad with them.

 

I appreciate it's her decision, and respect her autonomy but I also know her well enough to pick up when it's not originally coming from her.

 

Anyway NC when it comes down to it really is self-preservation, as others have mentioned, it's not some reverse psychology jedi mind trick for reconciliation.

Edited January 10, 2018 by ConfusedLuke