LDR Breakup + left over feelings - how to proceed

[sadboi]

Over the summer I met my now ex at a summer program for high schoolers who wish to take extra classes for fun (basically a nerd camp). We met through mutual friends and really hit it off: texting early into the morning every night and talking in person whenever we had the chance. It went very fast and she already had a boyfriend (I didn't know this until we started talking about ~us~), but we felt a connection right away so after the camp ended we talked for a bit and decided to say f#ck it and give an LDR a try (she lives in Florida, I live in Maryland).

 

Everything went extremely well. We talked all the time and our bond grew very fast. We both expressed how we had never felt such an emotional connection before.

 

I visited her twice, the first time about three months after we left each other. It was amazing. We spent the weekend with each other. I met her friends and went on dates with her to dinner, the movies, the orchestra, etc. We both fell even more in love with each other than we already had been. She even confessed to me that it had been the "best weekend of her life".

 

The second time I saw her was a month later at an MIT hosted event for kids who want to take extra classes for fun (u can see a trend here haha). We spent time with friends as well as with each other and we both were very happy.

 

Things went great until about mid December when her family began to have serious problems. Her father had had some pretty serious issues for years, but they got very bad. Her and her mom ended up moving out to stay with her grandparents. For the sake of time, I don't want to delve too deeply into the situation but she was severely effected by it. She was always emotionally exhausted and sometimes would just start crying on the phone out of no where. I tried my best to cheer her up, but the worse her situation got, the less effective my efforts became.

 

Christmas was extremely hard for her. We skyped and we had fun talking but she eventually fell apart and started crying, saying how christmas was over and her family was destroyed. I tried to help but she rejected my efforts and began to rant about how I didn't understand. She eventually just decided to go to sleep.

 

We talked occasionally until a few days after Christmas. She went to visit her father and found him in awful shape. He hadn't left the house in days and was too weak to eat.

 

She told me about this and then disappeared for 26 hours, the longest we'd ever gone without talking. She didn't even say "goodnight" or "good morning", which we had decided was one of the most important things to do in our LDR.

 

I was extremely worried about her and texted her to ask if she was ok. She waited about two hours and then replied and went off on me. She said she loved me and she missed me but that I was clingy and sappy and trying to "control her". We talked for a little bit and she disappeared. When she came back she told me to ignore everything thing she said and that she loved me more than anything. The next morning I texted her to ask what that was all about and she went off on me again. She said how things "couldn't go on like this" and how she was "going insane". I could tell from her words that she was deeply upset and angry, though I couldn't find any reason why she would be at me.

 

We barely talked between then and four days ago (when she broke up with me). We talked on New Years and had one quick (but happy) conversation but that was it. I was extremely worried about her emotional state, and confused by her flipping from angry and combative to happy and loving so I told her that something was upsetting me and asked if we could find time to talk on the phone. She said we could, but never called me in the end. The next morning I expressed how I was hurt by her blowing me off when I was upset and she called me a few minutes later and tearfully told me that we had to break up. I asked why and she said she couldn't handle a relationship right now and that she needed to focus on school and getting into college (she had always used "getting into college" to mean getting away from her parents).

 

I tried to reason with her and ask her if we could talk about it when she wasn't so emotionally exhausted by her family situation, but she said no and to leave her alone for a while ("give her time to breathe"). I told her that I loved her and she tearfully said it back, but said we had to break up anyway.

 

I was (and am) devastated. We had been dating almost six months, and I had never noticed anything wrong between us. We had never had a big fight, and any argument we had was solved with a discussion and an "I love you".

 

I know that it's probably not a surprise to most that this failed, as high school love rarely lasts, but our connection was real and our relationship seemed healthy. It obviously wasn't one formed by lust (because of the distance, intimacy was extremely rare), and we often remarked about how proud of us we were to be able to handle such a mature commitment as an LDR.

 

Now, I believe that the reason she did it was that she truly couldn't take all the emotion of her family situation combined with dealing with me trying to help. She had pushed all of her friends away, and was pushing me away too. She also said that she had to focus on school in order to get her grades back up. This sounds like a pretty weak excuse, but she is extremely dedicated to her work (She's never got a B in her life) and her grades this semester were the worst they have been (she says this is because I distracted her). She would tell me that I was clingy, as I would often text her during the day things like "hey I'm thinking about you :)" or a random picture of me or a meme I found. I would also sometimes ask her if she was ok, to which she'd say she was "tired and sad" but that she thought talking would make it worse. There was one time where she texted me a few times but said she had to go and would "talk to me later". I got excited, seeing as I hadn't heard from her in over a day, but she never texted me again. I jokingly asked her why, and she got angry with me.

 

Looking back, I see how I should've given her more space to work things out. My good-intentioned messages and attempts to support her felt suffocating to her. That said, I was devastated that she didn't even give us a chance to talk about it. I know that she still has feelings for me (our mutual friends have told me) and I am hoping that she will contact me again in a few weeks, once her parents divorce is over with.

 

Though I want that more than anything, I am trying my best to move on and not to hold onto hope . I wish that I could talk to her about what happened, but I want to respect her wishes for space.

 

I'm very hurt and confused, as I know that strong feelings are still there on both sides. This is my first time dealing with something like this and I was hoping someone a little more experienced could help me out.

 

What do you guys think? I know this was long and I probably left out a fair amount, but do you have any ideas about whether she might contact me again or want me back? Any tips on how to proceed if I decide to contact her in a few weeks/months when her situation has settled down?

 

Thank you!

[Trip2TheSky]

My best advice would be for you to always follow your heart.

 

The heart always wins every battle against it. Trying to go against what the heart knows it wants is a huge breech on your mental state and overall health.

 

Speaking from my own experience through life ..

[HumanMachine]

My best advice would be for you to always follow your heart.

 

The heart always wins every battle against it. Trying to go against what the heart knows it wants is a huge breech on your mental state and overall health.

 

Speaking from my own experience through life ..

 

Errr.. what?

 

OP she clearly has a lot on her plate, it’s best to leave her alone and let her deal with her own situation & mental health before you get back involved. Go NC and do not ever initiate contact, chasing a dumper will push them further away. Stay strong!

[qtntran]

This is an unfortunate situation where outside circumstances (her family issues) interfere with your relationship. It sucks. It's outside of your control and there's nothing you can do about it. That's the hardest pill you'd have to swallow.

 

You need to learn this now:

 

1. Don't try to offer to "help" when a girl is hurting. She doesn't want you to solve her problem. Your job is to LISTEN ONLY! Don't make suggestions or give advice if she doesn't explicitly ask you to! Really, she just want to vent and need a listening ear. I know you care and love her and want to help, but refrain from jumping in. Listening is the best thing you can do to help for her situation.

 

2. Even if you get a chance to talk to her, understand that she's not the same carefree girl while you two were together. Her parents' divorce obviously changed her emotionally and probably left some scar as well. She's in no place to talk about the relationship or deal with your hurt feelings because she has her own (from the break up and her parents). So do not try to talk her into giving it another try to ask her to explain things to you or make you feel better. She's in pain right now. Take care of your own pain. Don't put that added stress on her.

 

3. Her change in emotions are the conflicts that's going on inside her. She needs time and space to process all of that (by herself, without your help). Any offer will back fire bc she will see it as pressure and you just want her to hurry up so get back into relationship mindset again.

 

Best thing you can do right now is to leave her alone. Don't initiate any contact or try to guess when she will contact you. If she does, remember what I said, let her talk and guide the conversation. Do not push for information that she's not ready to share. If she still have feelings for you, then she *might* contact you after everything calms down, but there are no guarantee.

 

Just focus on yourself and school right now. Know that you're doing a loving thing by giving her space. You two are still young and anything can happen, but don't put all your hope on it. Good luck!