To break up or not?

[cabbageman]

Hey ya'll,

 

I'm having some confusing thoughts and feelings lately and was hoping for a little clarity.

 

I've been with my gf for slightly over 2 years. We have an 11 month old girl. Things were rocky for a while...(she abused me physically many times after the birth, lashing out at me over the death of her mother+postpartum), but I stuck through it with her and after much therapy and exercise she is doing much better, and we're doing a lot better as a couple (no more fighting). Our child is wonderful and while no regrets, I am extremely excited for my vasectomy next month. Yes there are good days, but so far being a father overall has been a terrible experience for me.

 

About me...I'm 28, a gemini, introvert and a musician. I am an open minded easy going mutable freak. I love music, I am almost always playing my guitar alone or with people or on stage. I am a dualist, I change my mind a lot, I live mostly in my head and I need a ton of alone time. I tend to go with the flow, my life is quite unpredictable. I am not an easy person to agree with. Thus my lifestyle has been very challenging for her since she moved in before the birth.

 

About her....She is 42, an aquarius, extrovert, she is a very educated socialist and a very caring person. She likes to discuss subjects that matter in depth and seriously, where as I like to touch many subjects briefly and detached. She has a moral compass, I uhh don't, so I find myself hanging out with my friends more then her because I am free to be my usual comedic self. She is the type that needs lots of planning and consistency in her life where I thrive on the nitty gritty, directness, and being spontaneuous.

 

Basically I'm getting bored fast. It's not that we don't connect, but we are often on very different levels and I don't really look forward to conversing with her anymore, she just doesn't stimulate my brain like I need and her sensitivity to particular subjects really drives me insane. I am super appreciative of everything and she has done but no matter what I still feel misunderstood. It often feels like my relationship needs are simply: must be ok with lots of alone time+sex....but why am I in a relationship then?

 

Someone might say I don't love her, I would say it's more likely that I can't love anybody more then myself or can't put another first, it's always been like this and I don't plan on changing. In any case this seems to happen again and again, girlfriend after girlfriend, I just get really bored with them and need to move on, I don't mean to sound rude but it's the truth. And the same goes sexually, I feel like monogamy is just not for me, I can't help but get bored. Is anybody else like this?

 

I feel like I am trapped in a relationship with her until she moves out. She can't move out until we can get a sitter during the day so she can work to pay for her place. I want to break up, but I don't think she could handle living with me still, I don't know how to have the conversation without her breaking down and how to have that arrangement work. Has anybody done this before? Don't worry about the kid, I am more then content with being a weekend dad.

 

Any advice for someone like me? Thanks for reading.

[Nothingtolose]

Someone might say I don't love her, I would say it's more likely that I can't love anybody more then myself or can't put another first, it's always been like this and I don't plan on changing. In any case this seems to happen again and again, girlfriend after girlfriend, I just get really bored with them and need to move on, I don't mean to sound rude but it's the truth. And the same goes sexually, I feel like monogamy is just not for me, I can't help but get bored. Is anybody else like this?

 

I feel like I am trapped in a relationship with her until she moves out. She can't move out until we can get a sitter during the day so she can work to pay for her place. I want to break up, but I don't think she could handle living with me still, I don't know how to have the conversation without her breaking down and how to have that arrangement work. Has anybody done this before? Don't worry about the kid, I am more then content with being a weekend dad.

 

 

Your post made me seriously cringe. You've answered your own question - if you are selfish and can't ever put another first and you don't plan on changing, you are right, you should not be in a relationship, at least not a committed one. Relationships require ongoing compromise and even sacrifices.

 

Content with being a weekend dad? You were clearly not ready to be a father judged by the fact that you are not worried about the kid at all, it sounds to me that you just want to be single again to enjoy freedom with your friends, while your ex takes care of the kid full time during the week. It's that type of absent behaviour that makes girls grow up with daddy issues, so I already feel sorry for your daughter on that front.

 

However, there isn't anything anyone here can say as it is obvious this is who you are, you won't change, and you've made up your mind about what you want to do. You have avoidant attachment style, and it will be better for your girlfriend to meet a man who can fulfill her emotional (and intellectual) needs, which you clearly aren't willing to do.

[cabbageman]

I appreciate the reply!

 

Its more then that man:

 

-she abused me enough to lose interes forever. How much **** does a man have to take?? I get relationships have up and downs but why do i feel i shouldn't have to put up with her mood swings? She hates the fact I'm happy alone because she's insecure about being alone.

 

-everytime we go on a date she can't help but spend a ton of money, and most of the time expects me to pay. When i lay my foot down she gets upset. I hate going out with her. She doesn't get it, she's bringing me down financially, I'm tired of the stress.

 

-house is a constant mess. Why can't you just lock the kid in the room while you clean for a half hour?

 

-she is different after she drinks, just a total 360 even after just one beer, i can't stand her like that.

 

-surely there are introverted women out there.

 

-youre right, i was not ready to be a dad, hence the upcoming vasectomy.

 

How do i get out of this mess? Do i just put up my house for sale and say **** it? Feels like i need an action plan but why am i responsible for her? She's an adult!

 

Sorry for the venting...