Dumped 2 days ago

[Acceptingthis]

I (27 f) was dumped two days ago. Right now I feel so sad. I constantly want to be around people. Can't handle my own company. I am having a hard time eating.

 

The relationship was short but intense. We met on tinder, when I was traveling through the city where I went to university a couple years before. My job requires a lot of travel and I was on a month long project there.

 

Despite the fact that we had met on tinder I was really clear that I did not want to have casual sex. He (27 m) agreed. He told me on our third date that he had been through a rough break up relatively recently. Since I have this job that requires travel and since he had so much recent baggage in his personal life, both of us agreed it was important to take it slow and get to know one another.

 

So, we agreed not to rush things. We decided not to have sex until it really felt right for both of us. At the very least, we agreed, until we could each honestly say to one another "I really like you and you are important to me". Until then we would just get to know one another.

 

Well, despite our idea of how things would go, we gradually got pretty serious over the next month. He came to Thanksgiving with my parents, we met each other's friends, he said he would come to my next work location (in another country) to visit me, I said I could come back to Canada in December. I was okay with it because it felt natural. We shared values, tastes, a similar sense of humor, similar lifestyles and priorities. And yes, we did have sex, starting about a week before I was about to leave.

 

When I left, he drove me to the airport and kissed me goodbye saying that he would really miss me. We started dating long distance. Texted every day, Skype dates every few days, sending each other memes, chit chatting and making jokes. Lots of hearts, lots of "I miss you". He is a bit more introverted than me, and right at the beginning I noticed that he texted a bit less than me. I checked in about this, and he said that he is just a quiet guy and that I had to trust that his feelings had not changed. He stepped up the texting. He bought his plane ticket. I decided to trust him, even though it was hard. I remember saying to him, "really this is about trusting myself, to be okay whether I lose you or not." He said, "I really like you and I'm here".

 

Two days ago he called me and said "I can't come". He was supposed to arrive a week and a half from now. I had already taken a week off and gotten everything ready for a fun vacation. I had a place rented, I had figured us out fun stuff to do. I had excitedly told friends. Up until two days before he was still sending me little hearts via messenger and whatnot.

 

He got back together with his ex girlfriend (22 f). I am wondering if I should have seen it coming. In hindsight it seems clear but at the time the little red flags seemed greatly outnumbered by our commonalities. From beginning of our relationship he told me that their break up was still kind of in a bad place. According to him, she would text him incessantly, sometimes 50 times in a night. He said that he felt bad to see her suffering like this, and that even though he was over the relationship it hurt to know that he had hurt her. I emphasized with this in the beginning and even respected his dedication to ending things well, but as time went on I didn't understand why it was not being resolved. It is obviously not kind to "slowly" break up with someone. If your ex is refusing to stop contacting you, at some point the nicest thing to do for everyone is to block them so they can have space to get over you. But he kept insisting that he would never want to do that, it was important for them to end as friends. Really now I see that they have some codependent push/pull thing happening. This is not the first time they have broken up and gotten back together.

 

So now I am processing a lot, thinking a lot of things:

1. How did I not see this coming? I now realize I didn't know him as well as I thought.

2. I still have feelings for him, but I also recognize that his codependent habits are unhealthy and he might not not be good relationship material, whether or not he is with this girl

3. He said he "could fall in love with me, but I have unfinished business with her". But why prioritize an old, unhealthy relationship over a new one?

4. I feel that I will be alone forever. I feel so, so, so alone and sad right now.

[Nothingtolose]

I'm so sorry you are going through this I think you didn't do anything wrong, you gave someone a vote of confidence and things seemed to be going well, so you gave it a fair shot - what else can we do in this life? Nothing on your part at all, so do not blame yourself.

 

Your post gave me a lot of perspective, as I'm going through a similar situation as your ex right now...where my ex and I broke up but still have intense feelings for each other and although I know he's not the right man for me, I'm having a real hard time moving on. I'm going on dates and would love to meet someone but at the same time I know it's not fair to the other person that I still love my ex, so I have to be careful because the last thing I want is to hurt someone or lead someone on (or being hurt by someone as that can also happen when you're vulnerable).

 

In my experience (and the reason I'm resisting going back to the ex), going back to such problematic relationships never work in the long run. If you guys had something nice, fun and positive (although short lived), I'll bet this guy will break up with the gf again in a few weeks or months, and will contact you. It'll then be up to you to decide if you feel alright giving him another chance - I personally wouldn't.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry this has happened. I can understand why you are disappointed and he should not have gone ahead and booked a visit with you when he was clearly still communicating with his ex. Likewise for him telling you his more distant communication with you didn't mean his feelings had changed - obviously that wasn't entirely accurate.

 

Having said that, I concur that there were some definite red flags along the way. Someone recently out of a relationship is generally not a great candidate for a new relationship. This is especially true when they are still in close contact and he admits their break-up is "in a bad place."

 

Him prioritizing an old relationship, however unhealthy it may have been, has very little to do with you personally. You could be the most wonderful and emotionally stable woman in the world - but you don't share a history with him, and all the complicated emotional attachments that go with it. In other words, his choice to return to her can't be explained logically. He isn't ready to let her go, even if that is rationally not a good option for him.

 

As painful as this is, I would not assume you will be alone forever. You are only 27. It is cliche, but you really do still have plenty of time to meet a man who is a better match for you. This one had warning signs on him from the get-go, unfortunately. You will now be much more attuned to that next time, so you can filter out the guys who are not ideal relationship material.