Weird response to trying to meet up

[dinosaursymphony]

So my ex broke up with me after a year long relationship. He moved away for army training so we are now states away. He’s always said he isn’t good with distance, so that definitely was a large factor in the breakup. I also think it was a bit of GIGS as it was his first more serious relationship and all his friends down there are single and just having a good time. He said I was an amazing partner and was always there for him and that meant more than he could express. There were no hard feelings. Anyway, I went no contact for about a month so that I could work on moving on and feeling like myself. He texted three days after the breakup and I wasn’t ready to respond so I didn’t. He also snap chatted me during the month twice. I also didn’t respond to those.

 

A little over a month went by and he saw something on my snap story that I guess concerned him and he texted asking if I was ok because he was a little worried. I responded saying I was fine and we had a brief conversation and he was pretty talkative. We have had several conversations since then where he has always asked questions about me and what’s going on and we have joked around slightly flirtatiously too. When he heard I now have an Xbox he requested my name so we can play together. Anyway, we definitely aren’t back to talking like we used to there’s still a little wall up on both ends I think. Me because he broke up with me and I’m protecting myself and him because I ignored him and then was slightly cold, which he wasn’t expecting or used to.

 

Anyway, I’m going to be in his area in a week for a conference so I asked if he’d like to grab food or hang out one day. He responded saying he’d have to check his schedule because he didn’t know what was going on. I know he would worry that it would be awkward so I responded “ok, promise it wouldn’t be awkward and would be a good time!” To which he responded that he didn’t know how he would be if we saw one another. I asked what he meant and he said “Like how I’d react, I don’t know.” So I responded ok, I just figured it would be nice to catch up and that we always have a good time together so I wasn’t worried. He responded “I think I need to sleep on this. Right now I'm skeptical because for some reason I think it'd be negative somehow. I'll talk to you later.” I guess I’m confused because I don’t get why he feels it would be negative? There were no negative feelings at all ever so I’m not sure what’s going on and what he means by that. I’d love some opinions.

[d0nnivain]

What's going on is he feels torn. You are probably right that he broke up with you not because the relationship wasn't good but because he wanted to be single around all his single Army buddies, not pining for the girl back home. To a large extent he put a lid on all his feelings but he's scared that if he sees you again, it will be painful for him, reminding him of what he threw away. But he still doesn't want to do the long distance thing. He's OK with this half-assed talking through video game playing & some BS social media contact. You are doing yourself a HUGE disservice by continuing to stay in touch with him. It's preventing you from moving on & healing.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have another take...

 

He's seeing someone else and doesn't want to create any false impressions AND he is worried that meeting you may becoming dramatic and contentious. The last thing anyone wants is to meet up with an ex and have it turn into an argument, etc.

[dinosaursymphony]

I know he isn't seeing anyone else and we also never argued or had any issues so I doubt that he's thinking that. I'm also not dramatic, nor is he. It'd be more likely to be very laid back and chill like both of us are.

[hippychick3]

I have another take...

 

He's seeing someone else and doesn't want to create any false impressions AND he is worried that meeting you may becoming dramatic and contentious. The last thing anyone wants is to meet up with an ex and have it turn into an argument, etc.

 

This was my take too.

 

He wants to maintain some contact because it’s comfortable and familiar but has no desire to get back together. He is seeing other people (or person), hence his hesitation to meet up.

 

Edited to add: I don’t think he’s expecting an argument or drama by meeting up. I just don’t think he wants to rekindle anything.

[dinosaursymphony]

This was my take too.

 

He wants to maintain some contact because it’s comfortable and familiar but has no desire to get back together. He is seeing other people (or person), hence his hesitation to meet up.

 

Edited to add: I don’t think he’s expecting an argument or drama by meeting up. I just don’t think he wants to rekindle anything.

 

Again, I know for a fact he isn't seeing anyone

[hippychick3]

Again, I know for a fact he isn't seeing anyone

 

How could you possibly know with 100% certainty what he does in his free time?

[SpecialJ]

If he thinks seeing you would be negative, no matter for what reason, then you two need more time out of contact before you should be trying to be friends or anything more. I don't think the reason really matters right at this moment, because he stated the distance as the main reason for breaking up and nothing has changed in the, what, two months? since the breakup.

 

I know it sucks that he's considering rejecting your invitation and maybe even that you can't see someone you care (as a friend or more) about when you're taking time and effort to travel to where he is anyway, because you two being in the same place is rare right now so it's sort of a lost opportunity. But I'd consider really pulling back on contact even further for a while so you can both do some additional healing. If he realizes he made a mistake at some point, or realizes that he's ready to be a better friend, I'm sure he'll let you know.

[dinosaursymphony]

How could you possibly know with 100% certainty what he does in his free time?

 

Well, almost every night of the week he is in the field (AKA spends all day in training and sleeps outside at the base at night), which leaves no time. He and I typically talk during weekend evenings and he tells me what went on in the afternoon and he spends the nights playing xbox. So I'd say it's a pretty safe conclusion.

 

Not to mention, he knows I've been seeing someone casually. I don't really intend to rekindle anything with him at the moment. Figured he would know that.

[dinosaursymphony]

An update:

He and I talked a bit yesterday after I sent a snapchat. He again was asking some questions and telling me about what he had been doing and what his week looked like. He was a bit more cold and distant than usual though so at the end of the conversation I let him know I could leave him alone from now on, to which he responded "I think I could use a break from talking for a bit." I tried to clarify why and he just responded "Sometimes people need space." Which is kind of the rudest response I've ever gotten from him ever. I guess I don't know why he's become more cold and shut off toward me.

 

I don't know if it's because at first I ignored his first attempts to reach out and when I finally did respond a month later after his concern of my snap story I eventually stopped responding. He started another conversation a few days later and we actually went back and forth in asking questions and stuff, and I ended the conversation as I was going out. From then on it has been me initiating contact via snapchat or text. He was pretty talkative during those next conversations asking how I had been and whatnot and sending lengthy texts about stuff going on with him. Asked him about a burger he got at this one place we went because I was going the next night and wanted to try it and he asked me to let him know how I liked it and I didn't. So that was my fault. But at the end of that conversation we were joking around and flirting about something that happened when we were together once.

 

Later on he found out I was in the hospital for surgery and we had a conversation about that and about how I got my xbox and he wanted my name so we could play. Ended up falling asleep so not responding to the last text in that conversation. The next time we talked the fact that I was casually seeing someone else came up, and that's when he started ending conversations by not responding to texts. He asked about my surgery and I told him and mentioned the other guy and then he asked what the timeline for my next few days looked like and then never responded again. Then the next day I had asked why he wanted to know what my timeline was and he said it was because he was curious about what the recovery time was and asked how I was feeling. Again we went back and forth and joked around a bit but the conversation ended with him not responding. I then wished him a happy thanksgiving a few days later and again he stopped responding. I asked about seeing him and that's what lead to the post above.

 

I guess I don't know why it's like this. I figured he'd be fine since he broke up with me, we had a month of no contact in which I assumed he'd get over it, and since he's in contact and friendly with his other exes (there are only two of them, one of which treated him like crap and played him for everything he was worth), and has always said he'd want to be friends, I figured I'd try. I don't know why he's gone more cold and distant even though we have been talking fine and why he doesn't want to meet and needs space. He seems to feel negatively about me right now and I have no clue what I've done or why.

[marky00]

Sorry OP.

 

It's pretty obvious to me.

 

He isn't invested in this thing as much as you are. That NEVER ends well.

 

If someone is fine with texting etc but avoids meeting in person, that is a big red flag. If someone can't meet you in person, that is a deal breaker right there because even friends meet in person.

 

You really need to do a full 180 and hard NC. That's the only way you will find your answers (and most of those answers you will work out on your own).

[SpecialJ]

He sounds like he's still trying to get over it. He broke up over distance, not because he didn't care anymore, and he has been hesitant to meet up with you and cold about you dating someone else. You say you ASSUMED he would be over you after a month NC. No, he has his own timetable. He wanted to try being in touch, he's used to having you around to talk to, it hurt him to find out you've been moving on, now he needs some space. I'm going to say what I said before, which is give him the space he wants, don't be offended by it, and he'll come back when he feels up to being friends.

[dinosaursymphony]

Sorry to keep adding more to this but stuff keeps happening and I’m so confused. On Wednesday I posted a photo of me eating lunch with a male friend and mutual friends told me my ex got a tinder that night after seeing it. Obviously don’t know if that’s related but it was something strange. He still looks at all the stuff I post and today I was going to look up a friend with the same first name on Facebook and noticed my ex didn’t show up on my friends list anymore. Turns out he took me off Snapchat, unfollowed my instagram, and unfriended me on Facebook. We haven’t talked since Monday when he said he needed a break from talking. I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary. I guess I’m just confused and questioning what’s going on. Did I do something?

I want to stay friends and now I’m worried I won’t ever hear from him again.

Why is this happening? Because there are unresolved feelings on his behalf? He doesn’t want anything to do with me? I don’t get it. He’s friends with all his other exes.

[Ronnys93]

Sorry to keep adding more to this but stuff keeps happening and I’m so confused. On Wednesday I posted a photo of me eating lunch with a male friend and mutual friends told me my ex got a tinder that night after seeing it. Obviously don’t know if that’s related but it was something strange. He still looks at all the stuff I post and today I was going to look up a friend with the same first name on Facebook and noticed my ex didn’t show up on my friends list anymore. Turns out he took me off Snapchat, unfollowed my instagram, and unfriended me on Facebook. We haven’t talked since Monday when he said he needed a break from talking. I haven’t done anything out of the ordinary. I guess I’m just confused and questioning what’s going on. Did I do something?

I want to stay friends and now I’m worried I won’t ever hear from him again.

Why is this happening? Because there are unresolved feelings on his behalf? He doesn’t want anything to do with me? I don’t get it. He’s friends with all his other exes.

 

First it's a good thing to tell your mutual friends to stop telling you things about him. I also believe that he saw your mutual friend and believed that you moved on without him and it probably got to his feelings. That's none of your concern anymore because he broke it off with you. Use this as an opportunity to move on with your life and heal! You need this time for yourself.

[dumbass2]

Yep, he saw the photo and thinks that is a guy you are dating and doesn't want to see it so he's removed you from social media. Doesn't mean he wants you back, it just hard for both of you at this point. You don't have to explain anything to him, like that was only a friend. It's too soon right now but maybe you can be friends way down the road after romantic feelings are gone. You should not remain on social media with an ex while there are still feelings and you should not be in contact because you cannot "just" be friends.

[dinosaursymphony]

So, yesterday I wished him a happy birthday. He responded thanking me and saying he’d text me today since he was going to bed. He texted me this morning and we talked. I stupidly brought up the social media thing at the end of the conversation. Basically it went like this:

I asked him what was up with the unfollowing. He said that whether it was true or not he felt like I had been messing with his head on social media so he unfollowed me.

I never really thought I had done anything like that. I just post about my life and what I’m doing. So I responded “Well I definitely I apologize if it felt that way! Certainly wasn’t intentionally doing anything of the sort. Not the kinda person I am...you should know that...To be honest I kinda feel like if you felt that way though you still have some sort of feelings and that’s fine and completely understandable but if you need me to disappear for a bit more so you can move on I can definitely do that.” To which he responded “XXXX" [moderation note, removed PII], I don't have feelings for you that are keeping me from moving on. I just have no desire to know about who you're talking to, what they do, or anything involving them. It's not my business. I don't even know why you'd tell me about them.” To which I responded: “If I did it’s because that’s how I talk to my friends. I’m very open about my life. Also, someone that doesn’t care just brushes that stuff off and isn’t impacted. They laugh at it or say hey good for that person. And the way you’re reacting says there’s still a little something there. I’m just trying to do what’s best for you.” He responded “what’s best for me is if we don’t talk for a while.”

 

I guess I don’t know what I did that made him so defensive and upset if he doesn’t have feelings. How do I come back from this? I just want to be friends and don’t know what’s going on in his head.

Edited December 11, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged for context, removed PII and redacted reduntant information ~ V

[stillafool]

Stop contacting him. He wants to move on and does not want to be friends which is smart at this point. You asked to see him and he didn't want to get together so it is time for you to move on and know this is over. Sometimes exes get curious if we are okay so they contact us. It doesn't mean they want to get back together but to relieve their guilt, make sure you're okay but nothing more. This confuses the dumpee into thinking they may want to get back together but normally they don't. Block him and move forward.