moon76 Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 hello. thought i'd post to this forum to get a fresh perspective on my situation. first, my story: i have been dating my boyfriend for nearly three years. when we first started dating, we would drink together, both socially and just ourselves, and while it seemed he could drink a lot, i didn't at first think he had a problem. we lived an hour apart from one another, and really only saw each other on the weekends, so quite a bit of our relationship was developed on the phone. i would notice that he would be slurry and generally 'off' a lot of the time but he told me he had high blood pressure and me being naive, i thought his slurring had something to do with that. after a while i thought maybe he did have an alcohol problem. more than a few times we would go to parties or concerts and he would drink so much he would pass out or fall down. (on the other hand, he wasn't acting so differently than a lot of people i knew who would binge drink but didn't consider themselves alcoholics; i attributed it to age and the stupid stuff people have to get out of their systems.) a few times he hung out at my apartment while i was working and when i came home he would be completely wasted and incoherent. finally, about a year and a half into our relationship, he tried to overdose on painkillers and alcohol. he ended up in detox for a weekend. it was then his mother told me that he had had a serious problem for nearly five years. he would drink in secret and lie and do everything he could to keep it that way. he had me fooled, well, to the extent of the problem anyway. over this last year or so, this has been the pattern: he'd be sober for a month or two, going to aa sporadically, then binge for a week, when he'd lie to me about drinking, saying he was in work when he wasn't, etc. i caught him every time. he always apologized profusely and it always happened again and i've always remained by his side. he's made me feel stupid, and insane every time i've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and he's lied anyway. this past march, he decided to go away to a rehab center for a month. it was completely his own decision; no one forced him to go. when he came back, he was like a completely different person; positive and commited to staying sober. he became committed to going to aa every day; the following two months were some of the best times we've had in our relationship (and, though seemingly contrary to what i've written above, ASIDE from the drinking, during those sober stretches, we have had an amazing relationship. he is an incredible, caring, smart, funny, wonderful, supportive person, to me, and i love him completely). HOWEVER...this past weekend he started drinking again. i caught him with a water bottle filled with vodka. i knew from the minute i spoke to him that day he was drinking again, yet he denied it until i found the bottle, even though he was slurring his words and reeking of vodka. i didn't get angry at him right then...i tried to be supportive and talk him through the 'why' of his drinking. he told me he's depressed and he hates his life and every day he feels like he wants to kill himself. he told me he wasn't going to drink again after this time because he is tired of feeling like a failure. he left my apartment sunday and told me that night he went to aa, he was starting over again. now it's tuesday and he's been drunk-sounding over the phone, though every time i ask him he gets mad and tells me i am being mean. he stayed home from work today, because of an ear infection and a fever. however, he's slurring his words over the phone and as far as i know, an ear infection doesn't make you slur. my gut is telling me he is still drinking, though he says he isn't. the bottom line is, i am tired of not knowing and having to worry and getting upset about something that isn't even in my control. i have a life and i am a generally happy person, but sometimes (especially when he is drinking) i feel like he is bringing me down, or not letting my realize my own life's potential. the hard part is, when he is sober, he does bring so much to my life. i have invested a lot in this relationship but at times like this i feel like i am wasting my time and it's not going to go anywhere. i wish i could have the sober him all the time, but the drinking side of him keeps coming out and i dont know how much longer i can be supportive. advice, please? Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 If he is depressed then he shouldn't be drinking. Alcohol only makes the depression worse. I dunno what to say other than he needs to get more treatment and if he still doesn't get off the sauce then you should leave him. Don't limit your life for some guy who can't cope with life...you werent born to deal with some weak person. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted June 7, 2005 Share Posted June 7, 2005 Hi, I too spent four years with an alcoholic. We've since broken up since he also had some major drug issues. But if you can get past the higher power thing, try Al-Anon, they're for the families and friends of alcoholics. Associated with AA. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org Good luck. You're on a scary road. You're beau though has done infinitely better than my ex. Christ, yours was sober for months! Link to post Share on other sites
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