Zoolander Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 So my girlfriend of 2 and a bit years said out of the blue that she didnt feel she wanted the relationship as much as before. It was a bit of a shock as things did seem to be going pretty well. We were in the middle.of.planning our second holiday together and were quite seriois i.e had spoken about the future. This all happened about 3 and a half weeks ago. Since then, she visited me on my birthday and we shared a bed Nothing happened besides her wanting to hold me and tell me she missed me but that she needed time and space. We spoke on the phone a couple of times after that and she seemed quite frustrated and told me that she would like to have a no contact period until mid January. She also said that in this time we were free to date other people and that there shouldn't be any expectations as to what happens in january, whether we get back together or not Personally i feel i need space too to decide whether i want her back in my life. She does mean a lot to me and i do want her back but it would take a fair bit of reconciliation on both sides, but i guess working out what we want is what this time is for. I thought 8 weeks would be too long and i am slightly anxious that she may find someone else in this time. But surely that would most likely just be a rebound? Just trying to take each day as it comes. Its not getting any easier but it will. Christmas is still 5 weeks away and i have no intention of sending her a text unless she does. She may even reach out before then but i doubt it. Her family think she made a rash decision based on exam/career stresses Any support/guidance on how to approach these weeks would be much appreciated x Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 She wants to test drive other guys, and wants you to be waiting for her. What are you playing at here? She has dumped you and the relationship is over. You are allowing her to call ALL the shots and make ALL the rules. Sorry but you need to start respecting yourself. If you don't respect yourself then who will? You're acting like a puppy dog, allowing her to place you on hold while she swans off to "find herself" or whatever. You should tell her that you're fine with a period of NC, but that period will last until you say it ends. And then you should never speak to her ever again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 She won’t be messaging you, she will be too busy sleeping with whoever she pleases. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 No, no, no, hell no. You sit your GF down & you tell her that you either want to be together working on your issues or you want to break up. Do not be her second choice. Her going out & being with some other guy over the course of the next 2 months will do more harm then good. Breaks are break-ups only the person suggesting them either doesn't have enough of a spine to end things cleanly or they are test driving a new relationship to see if they can do better than you. Either way it's a lose, lose proposition for you. Don't be the back up plan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 She already has someone else in mind - I would put money on that. She told you that you are free to date others because that is exactly what she will be doing. Do not agree to this ridiculousness. Call this a break-up and tell her it's over. Don't ever put yourself on hold like this, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buriall Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Agreed with above posters. Don't be an option for anyone. I was in your shoes once, I thought giving "space" to my ex meant getting our thoughts and feelings in check.. Boy was I wrong, she went behind my back and met up with potential mates. Now all these guys wanted a quick lay with her so she ran back to me and I took her back with open arms. She lied to me and deceived me. Don't be naive like me. If your partner wants "space" she wants to explore other options.. I would take myself from the equation and tell her if she leaves she can't come back.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Octavian8 Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Seems to me like she's treating you as a second option, trying to test drive someone else and if that doesn't work out she'll try to come back, but do you really want that? My ex is currently doing the same thing. She said she wants to see what else is out there before we commit too much, and that our breakup doesn't have to be forever. In other words she wants to test drive other people and come back if it doesn't go quite the way she wants. She also said she thinks "WE" should see other people, just like you, but me and you know WE don't want to see other people, only THEY do, so it's really them projecting what they want to do onto us to relieve their guilt. Either way, I say don't contact her first, and she better be pretty damn remorseful to even consider taking her back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Heed all of the above advice. She wants to hook up with other guys to see if she can find something better, but if not come back to you, her safety net. But that would only be for a time anyway, then she'd do it again at some later juncture. It's over, tell her you have no interest in a no-contact period, but rather a permanent split where you'll be looking for a new, permanent partner who doesn't shop around. Link to post Share on other sites
springy Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 She already has someone else in mind - I would put money on that. She told you that you are free to date others because that is exactly what she will be doing. Do not agree to this ridiculousness. Call this a break-up and tell her it's over. Don't ever put yourself on hold like this, OP. All of THIS Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoolander Posted November 13, 2017 Author Share Posted November 13, 2017 (edited) All of THIS Ah thanks guys. Seeing all your replies pretty much sums up what I've been thinking lately too. When we "speak" in January, I won't be the one to reach out anymore. I didn't really do much pleading except try and find out what the actual reasons were. If she does contact me, I'm going to make sure she tells me exactly what the past 2 months were for. If it was genuinely focusing on exams and herself, then fair enough, I can tell her to cut the crap and either work on the relationship or I'm out completely. I have no problem with her going on the occasional date or two, heck that's what I'm trying to do, but it's going to be the most goddamn honest conversation she's ever going to have. We were best friends for years before we got together which makes it all the more harder. But at the same time, if it was to use me as a plan B, then I'll want her out my life completely. I don't intend on grovelling/waiting for the next 8 weeks. I've already booked a holiday for Christmas to just sort myself out and focus on me. Edited November 13, 2017 by Zoolander Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Dude... you're still not getting it. If she does contact me, I'm going to make sure she tells me exactly what the past 2 months were for. No. If she does contact you in January you should HANG UP on her. I can tell her to cut the crap and either work on the relationship or I'm out completely. You should tell her this TODAY. There is absolutely no reason to put yourself into purgatory for 2 months. Don't be a chump! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 . When we "speak" in January, I won't be the one to reach out anymore. I didn't really do much pleading except try and find out what the actual reasons were. If she does contact me, I'm going to make sure she tells me exactly what the past 2 months were for. Then just end it now. Why leave the "relationship" on life support? If you want to stay together talk now. If you are OK with breaking up, break up so you can sow whatever wild oats you need to on your Christmas holiday. If she comes back & tells you she was with some other guy but that has given her the clarity to know she now only wants you, that won't soothe your soul. You will not want to take her back after she tells you "exactly" what she did with him. (Exactly is in quotes because it's the word you used & it's a terrible plan that will cause you more pain in the long run) Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted November 13, 2017 Share Posted November 13, 2017 Unless you want to hear about all the guys she’s been with, I’d block here right this second and save the January conversation.. Link to post Share on other sites
rickwman Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Honesty and understanding each other's expectations are very central to an honest and trusting relationship. Maybe she needs more time alone to think about the relationship. Don't fill your mind with guilt, condemnation, judgement or unforgiveness. Have you spoken with a counselor, pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise? It's poison! I'll pray and stand with you that your future is bright with the woman that fulfills your needs and if your current girlfriend is the one in your future, God bless you both! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Here is the problem. You've just agreed to let her run around-during the holidays no less and if she doesn't FIND ANYONE she deems worthy guess who is WAITING in the wings for her-the security blanket. She needs time good let her have it. But don't agree to some preconcieved time period. BLOCK HER. And the bad thing is if you tell her no to January she might get cold feet and still come running back to you. Your screwed either way. Link to post Share on other sites
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