Hitting a low point

[heartoutside]

It's been about a month since my ex broke up with me and the first few days I was a mess, but quickly bounced back and started reflecting on what went wrong and why it all happened. I started picking up the pieces and moving forward, as best I could.

 

But this weekend, I feel to my lowest point yet. Usually, it only lasts a day, where I'm just a little sad, or blue. But this time, I just miss her horribly on top of just being sad. I'm not sure what to do. I can't seem to get out of the spiral.

 

I've been tempted to reach out to her, but I know I shouldn't. But it's hard, missing her so much.

[d0nnivain]

It's the nature of healing. . . two steps forward, one step back. Just keep moving forward as best as you can.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time, OP.

 

As d0nnivain says, this is what healing looks like. Up days and down days. Come here and write when you're feeling down; we're a bunch of strangers online but someone is always here to read and respond. Many of us can offer some food for thought, having been through painful times too.

[Beachead]

I know how you feel OP.

 

You're on the right track by coming on here and reaching out. It means you are serious about getting passed the pain.

 

You're describing the natural process of healing from heartbreak. I wish I could say otherwise but the truth is, the pain will get worse before it gets better but it will get better. Let yourself feel the pain when it comes. Working through it is the only way to get passed it and move on and it will take time. Don't try to bury it or run from it, it will resurface over and over again and eventually manifest itself into your personality.

 

There are some things you can do to speed things up.

 

I often find setting short simple goals help me get through the day. You should also have a longterm plan and goal. Try to shake your life up by taking up activities/hobbies you wouldn't usually do. Throw away or box up everything that reminds you of your ex so you don't have to see it. Journal out your feelings when you feel sad or happy. After awhile, you'll start to notice reoccuring thoughts and patterns. From there, you can start working on the negative thoughts. Try watching some videos on dealing with heartbreak as well. This is what I have done in the past and what I am currently doing.

 

Stay Strong

[Highndry]

Definitely DO NOT reach out if you were dumped. It's going to lower your value considerably, and leave you feeling worse. Do anything but contact her. We've all been through the pain, a lot of us are going through it right now, but we will all survive. There's no other choice.

 

Good things happen, too. Like today I was at Target and turned to meet eyes with an absolutely gorgeous gal. She smiled, I smiled, and I went back to what I was doing. I figured she was just being polite. A few minutes later on another isle I looked over and saw her looking at me and she gave a great big smile again. It reminded me I don't need my ex, the world is full of amazing women.

[heartoutside]

Thanks for the support. It's funny, the last time I was on here was something 7 or 10 years ago after a really bad break up. And now I'm back.

 

I'm still kinda stuck in this low point. It's odd and I don't know why, maybe it's the weather? Maybe it's the fact that I'm living with my brother and his family temporarily while I try closing on a condo and watching how my brother acts as a father and as a husband is disappointing and depressing at times (he's not a horrible father or husband but any means, but just selfish). So I keep thinking to myself, why can't I have that?

 

I also just keep flashing back to the question, why did this happen? But then I know the answer (I think), but I also know most couples if they truly love each other and are committed to each other work on their differences as a couple.

 

My ex and I had started seeing a couples therapist because sometimes our arguing would get intense, mostly because my ex would go from zero to 60 in a matter of mins and just start saying some hurtful and unnecessary things. I would tell her, when she would fight with me like that, I just felt like any a-hole on the street, which is no way to fight.

 

But we both felt therapy was helping and our fighting was getting better, but something was still off with her to the point when she told me (and our therapist) that she was unsure about our future compatibility our therapist was shocked and actually shared her opinion, which typically she didn't do.

 

Regardless, I'm having a hard time comprehending all this 4 weeks after the fact, which doesn't make sense. The weeks following the break up, I was doing great, but now I feel like I'm where I was 10 years ago.

[sunny-face]

I’m sorry to hear that you are sad and lonely! Breakups are not easy on either person. Is there a chance of a reconciliation? Were there things in the relationship that were in need of repair? Maybe meeting for a coffee and discussing your feelings with her would be helpful. She may be having some feelings of her own? If there is no possible chance, then I think it would be beneficial for you to do your best at getting back to the things you enjoyed before this relationship happened. Do you have friends and family that you can plan activities with? How about using your hobbies as a distraction. Although you are sad and you do miss her, if you can, you need to get back into life. If you find this difficult, a pastor or a counselor can help you work through your feelings. I do hope you find some relief soon!

[heartoutside]

I'm not sure if reconciliation is an option. We were living together and basically I'm all moved out at this point. She's gone ahead and basically changed everything about the apt so it looks nothing like what we made it look like together. She gave me back some prints I gave her as a gift and even got a cat all within the first week.

 

It's been about a month now, and today while flipping through a dating app I'm on, I discovered she created a profile too. Despite saying she would never do online dating.

 

 

I guess I just keep moving forward.

[PrincessWarrior1]

I am sorry you are hurting this way, it does get better! Maybe just fight off this low during this week and plan something to look forward to in the near future. I just took myself out for lunch at this fancy restaurant my ex took me too when we were happy and first dating. I have to create new memories for myself. I am tired of going over and over how things were in the beginning, it's not healthy.

 

Isn't the 4-6 weeks thing about the NC and how people try to manipulate their exes into contacting them or vice versa to reconcile? Had she not got a cat and went on a dating website as well as not contact you for a talk date, then I guess so. But even getting a cat and going on a dating website to try to replace you does not work that well at first. First of all, if we are still in love with our exes, chances are we are going to be comparing and rejecting people. Sad and kind of cruel, but correct me if I'm wrong, it's kind of true, isn't it? And it's basically foolish in the fact that we need to get back to ourselves or we could end up taking care of someone else instead of ourselves.

Edited November 12, 2017 by PrincessWarrior1

[Nothingtolose]

I know how you feel. It's been 2 months for me, and this weekend was horrible. I cried a lot, and nearly reached out to him, but I controlled myself. I did the breaking up as he wasn't treating me well and wasn't working on the issues he promised me he would. He has done nothing to try and repair things since.

 

We also did couples counselling, but couples counselling can only do so much if there are foundational core problems in the relationship and if people are unwilling to work on themselves and their own internal traumas/issues.

 

Hang in there. It will get better, for both of us.

[heartoutside]

Thank you PrincessWarrior1 and Nothingtolose. I agree, it seems odd that my ex did these things so quickly (The cat and the dating website), but I've got a feeling she checked out a few weeks prior to us breaking up, so she's a little ahead of the curve. But, it's odd is right now, it kind of is a relief, or closure maybe? Knowing that she's dating or wants to date, just confirms the fact that I did the right thing by not trying to "win" her back.

 

We too were seeing a couples therapist, but literally for only 3 weeks. When my ex shared with our therapist that she was having doubts about our future compatibility our therapist literally said, "are you serious?! That's a complete 180 from what you said last week" which is bold for a therapist to say because they are not suppose to voice an opinion that sounds one sided. Our therapist even went on to say it's hard to find love and walking away from something like this might be a sign of something else. And what I know she was saying was that my ex wasn't looking at her self but was blaming the relationship.

 

So ya, it's true, therapy only works so much if the individual is willing to look inside themselves and be open to their issues. My ex, I doubt will. I hope she does.

 

It will get better for us all!

[PrincessWarrior1]

Good Morning,

 

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It most definitely will get better for us all. Faithfulness and loyalty are always rewarded and you will see that very soon!

 

Wow, so the therapist got personally involved? That's a toughy, kind of like how we get personally involved because sometimes I cannot come on here if I'm already at my max because my empathy will come out or if I lurk, I just simply cannot contribute ATM (At the moment). And I would probably have made the same comment because it's true. I say that all the time. It's because people's morals have declined. Sex is easy to get, so love is hard to find.

 

The faithful loyal people do the self work. We don't jump into rebounds etc etc. I'm on OKCupid but I'm not interested, it's more of a knee jerk reaction to what my ex did to me for example (Outside smoking a ciggarette (him 47m)) I (43f) would come to talk to him and the look on his face gave everything away. He was dirty fb messengering bc I grabbed his phone to look at it. I didn't say anything. However, my trust and respect started to deteriorate from there...

 

I'm staying out of relationships until I can heal what is inside that makes me attracted to the **** boy!

[heartoutside]

Yesterday I received what is now the 3rd email from my ex's mom. She was always one to provide unsolicited email advice from articles she would come across and then email to me. When I was in a relationship with her daughter, it was fine, but now it's insane. She even emailed about 2 weeks into the break up letting me know she would be in town staying with her daughter and that she would love to meet up for coffee and talk. After that email, I told her that that would be nice, but really I just need my space to move on with my life and that she needs to let that happen. I thought she understood.

 

This time she sends me an email titled "Rejection doesn't have to suck - what we gain when we lose" and wrote

 

This sentence from the article stood out for me, “Often when someone rejects us, it has nothing to do with our faults, it just means we weren’t a good fit for that person, job or opportunity."

 

WTF?

 

I wrote back this morning, and said

thank you for the the thought, but I don't feel rejected, I have more self worth than that. I do feel mislead and deceived, but looking back, maybe we weren't a good fit and we can leave it at that. I do ask you honor my request for space and not email suggestions or advice going forward.

 

It's crazy, because now I see the reason their daughter is such a spoiled brat, her parents think she can do no wrong. The fact that her mother can just assume that I feel rejected because it's her daughter and she's so amazing?!?!

 

I actually brought this up with my ex in July when we were coming back from her parents house. While we were visiting them, she snapped at her father about something stupid and left the house for a walk (I followed). A short time later while we were walking around her father shows up in the car, looking for her and starts apologizing to her. Which is insane because my ex was the one who was out of line. So when we were driving home from her parents house, my ex asked me what I was thinking, and I probably shouldn't have said anything, but I said, "I feel like you can do no wrong by your parents, that even when you're out of line, they are apologetic." No surprise, she flipped her s**t and went on to say that her sister in-law said the same thing (I'm best friends with her sister-in law). That fight turned really toxic.

 

I kind of get the sense now, looking back, that may have been the point that she realized she didn't love me. Because I wasn't on her side and I was being critical of her relationship with her parents. Or maybe the fight was just toxic enough that she didn't want to work on us anymore.

 

But it all makes sense. The way she would talk to me in our fights was horrible, it was like I was just another jerk on the street, but she didn't care. It's the same way she would talk to her parents.

 

Now I'm not saying I don't get mad at people, or loved ones, but when I do, I'm apologetic or at least know when I'm out of line.

 

Anyway, so I suppose that's way I felt I had to write back to my ex's mom this time. I thought about not writing at all, but I need to let her mom know that her daughter isn't this perfect being she thinks she is.

[d0nnivain]

Just block the EX's mother. One post break up conversation to say good bye would be weird enough. The mother being polite to you if you called seeking advice about her child would be understandable. This . . . the mom reaching out to you & wanting to go for coffee is plain weird.

 

If you don't want to block just hit delete without reading.

[sunny-face]

heartoutside...I'm sorry and I do hope that you are able to move forward in peace!

[Driedourlettuce]

I know how you feel.

My Ex for 6 years broke up with me 2 and a half months ago, and to be honest after a few days it was easier than it is now.

Ive had a couple of dates, nothing great but i almost stopped thinking about her.

I went no contact and then she texted me about picking her stuff up and silly things and im pretty low now.

[Highndry]

Yesterday I received what is now the 3rd email from my ex's mom. She was always one to provide unsolicited email advice from articles she would come across and then email to me. When I was in a relationship with her daughter, it was fine, but now it's insane. She even emailed about 2 weeks into the break up letting me know she would be in town staying with her daughter and that she would love to meet up for coffee and talk. After that email, I told her that that would be nice, but really I just need my space to move on with my life and that she needs to let that happen. I thought she understood.

 

This time she sends me an email titled "Rejection doesn't have to suck - what we gain when we lose" and wrote

 

This sentence from the article stood out for me, “Often when someone rejects us, it has nothing to do with our faults, it just means we weren’t a good fit for that person, job or opportunity."

WTF?

 

I wrote back this morning, and said

thank you for the the thought, but I don't feel rejected, I have more self worth than that. I do feel mislead and deceived, but looking back, maybe we weren't a good fit and we can leave it at that. I do ask you honor my request for space and not email suggestions or advice going forward.

 

It's crazy, because now I see the reason their daughter is such a spoiled brat, her parents think she can do no wrong. The fact that her mother can just assume that I feel rejected because it's her daughter and she's so amazing?!?!

 

I actually brought this up with my ex in July when we were coming back from her parents house. While we were visiting them, she snapped at her father about something stupid and left the house for a walk (I followed). A short time later while we were walking around her father shows up in the car, looking for her and starts apologizing to her. Which is insane because my ex was the one who was out of line. So when we were driving home from her parents house, my ex asked me what I was thinking, and I probably shouldn't have said anything, but I said, "I feel like you can do no wrong by your parents, that even when you're out of line, they are apologetic." No surprise, she flipped her s**t and went on to say that her sister in-law said the same thing (I'm best friends with her sister-in law). That fight turned really toxic.

 

I kind of get the sense now, looking back, that may have been the point that she realized she didn't love me. Because I wasn't on her side and I was being critical of her relationship with her parents. Or maybe the fight was just toxic enough that she didn't want to work on us anymore.

 

But it all makes sense. The way she would talk to me in our fights was horrible, it was like I was just another jerk on the street, but she didn't care. It's the same way she would talk to her parents.

 

Now I'm not saying I don't get mad at people, or loved ones, but when I do, I'm apologetic or at least know when I'm out of line.

 

Anyway, so I suppose that's way I felt I had to write back to my ex's mom this time. I thought about not writing at all, but I need to let her mom know that her daughter isn't this perfect being she thinks she is.

 

WOW, that woman has some nerve! I would not have been as polite in my reply as you were.

[PrincessWarrior1]

That would get me upset as well. Seeing how they raised a spoiled narcissistic brat. Enablers are just as bad! I went through that whole thing with my ex's mother, son, family. It is truly horrible when people can't own their own garbage.

 

She is not good enough for you! I know it's tough when you are excited and in love with someone. it's always perfect in the beginning. I'm starting to let go and make new memories for myself. I'm learning w my therapist too about cutting out drama and stress so that I'm able to care for myself so these horrible things don't ever repeat themselves ever.

 

Reading and educating myself saves me bigtime too. Like I said she is not good enough for you and maybe you knew that deep inside. But because of all the other things you held on like any normal human being looking for love would. We were meant to love and be loved. We all deserve nothing less but love. And it's heartbreaking it's so hard to find. Then when you find it, hard to keep! Not with the right person though, i believe that. I settled. I'll admit to that right now. And I'm human, I made mistakes, we all make them. We just have to learn from them, move on, and raise our standards.

[PrincessWarrior1]

WOW, that woman has some nerve! I would not have been as polite in my reply as you were.

 

Me neither. Matter of fact I went above and beyond that and told off a few of his family members because I was beyond hurt. I'm sick of people thinking it's ok to exploit people and discard them.

 

It's delightful to see karma in full circle if possible. Like they leave u thinking they will get someone better and it never ever ever happens, because they get someone worse or not as good. We get to be happy, peaceful, and emotional pain free. I promise!

[heartoutside]

That would get me upset as well. Seeing how they raised a spoiled narcissistic brat. Enablers are just as bad! I went through that whole thing with my ex's mother, son, family. It is truly horrible when people can't own their own garbage.

 

She is not good enough for you! I know it's tough when you are excited and in love with someone. it's always perfect in the beginning. I'm starting to let go and make new memories for myself. I'm learning w my therapist too about cutting out drama and stress so that I'm able to care for myself so these horrible things don't ever repeat themselves ever.

 

Reading and educating myself saves me bigtime too. Like I said she is not good enough for you and maybe you knew that deep inside. But because of all the other things you held on like any normal human being looking for love would. We were meant to love and be loved. We all deserve nothing less but love. And it's heartbreaking it's so hard to find. Then when you find it, hard to keep! Not with the right person though, i believe that. I settled. I'll admit to that right now. And I'm human, I made mistakes, we all make them. We just have to learn from them, move on, and raise our standards.

 

You're spot on. I think deep down I knew something wasn't right for me in this relationship. For a long time, the first 2 years, I thought it was me. That my behavior was the issue. At least that's how my ex would make me feel. She would even say in our arguments, you need to see a therapist. So at a point, I literally started to think that everything I was doing was wrong and her behavior or how I "should" be reacting was how everyone in a relationship would act.

 

I did eventually start seeing a therapist, so at least something good came out of the relationship. But, my therapist has told me that what my ex was doing was a form of "gaslighting" which is basically when someone manipulates you psychologically into questioning your own sanity. I'm sure she was totally unware of what she was doing, I'm sure, but regardless, I was left feeling like it was me.

 

I had hoped that going to couples therapy would have given us a chance to work through that, and for her to understand that side. Which in turn would make me feel whole and loved, but that didn't last either.

 

The hard part is thinking about the good things. Like when my parents flew in last year for Thanksgiving at her parents. Or just thinking how not 5 months ago she was saying she wanted to propose to me and we were looking at rings, or that she wanted to start a business with me. How does someone go from that line of thought, to a total 180 of I don't want you in my life as a partner (she still thinks we'll be friends). I just can't wrap my head around that?!

[PrincessWarrior1]

Yes, most certainly. And that "gaslighting" manipulation tactic abusers use is very real. Abusers use it to break us down and drive us crazy. Knowledge is power. That's where the reading comes in to save us. You'll find if you start doing like a FBI status research, you will start to see it for what it was as well as find some solace and comfort. Many others have gone through this and worse. Each article or blog often times has comments below where many of us heartbroken romantics have been duped and hurt so badly we can't see straight.

 

Knowledge and education will also allow us to see the red flags and walk away before we get too emotionally attached and invested. It allows us to guard our hearts.

 

Hang in there sweetheart. It will get better, I promise. This clown might just try to crawl back to you at some point. You will be much better prepared though. I hope that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. She will not be able to manipulate, abuse, and destroy you ever again. That's karma in full circle. Hang in there honey.

[heartoutside]

So I'm back at a low again. I'm not even sure why? I have everything going for me in a way. I have a caring family, a successful business, I'm an all around stand up guy when it comes down it. But for some reason I just miss her terribly.

 

I went out to dinner last night with my ex's sister in-law (we know each other almost as long as she's on own my ex), and while it was great seeing her and I really didn't find my self thinking about my ex when I was with her, I did find myself at the end of dinner wondering how I got here? The question that keeps haunting me.

 

I did find out that the reason my ex's mom has been contacting me so much is because my ex's mom is heartbroken about the whole thing. And is having a real hard time with it all. It still doesn't excuse her actions but it makes more sense.

 

I know these things have to be taken day by day and that I really shouldn't be complaining or I shouldn't be so down with everything I've got going, but it just seems so hard to pull myself out this rut. Right now the only thing that is totally saving me is 1 year old niece and her smile.

[Buriall]

Keep pushing forward no matter how difficult it gets..Remember that when you feel low.

[rubyjuly]

So I'm back at a low again. I'm not even sure why? I have everything going for me in a way. I have a caring family, a successful business, I'm an all around stand up guy when it comes down it. But for some reason I just miss her terribly.

 

I went out to dinner last night with my ex's sister in-law (we know each other almost as long as she's on own my ex), and while it was great seeing her and I really didn't find my self thinking about my ex when I was with her, I did find myself at the end of dinner wondering how I got here? The question that keeps haunting me.

 

I did find out that the reason my ex's mom has been contacting me so much is because my ex's mom is heartbroken about the whole thing. And is having a real hard time with it all. It still doesn't excuse her actions but it makes more sense.

 

I know these things have to be taken day by day and that I really shouldn't be complaining or I shouldn't be so down with everything I've got going, but it just seems so hard to pull myself out this rut. Right now the only thing that is totally saving me is 1 year old niece and her smile.

 

 

It is a day to day thing at least for me and I'm sure for many, depending on how long a relationship and other stuff too. Don't be hard on yourself, a breakup or divorce is a major loss in life and a top stressor and not something that healing just flows neatly the way we think.. try to be kind to and take care of yourself..just my opinion but I don't think socializing with people closely related to her is helpful.. I know for me after a while I decided to not talk with anyone associated w him, because it was too triggering and painful.. also my "breakup" if you can call it that, it ended because he was arrested for attacking me. And here and there I happen to run into or see a friend or acquaintance of ours and I go the other way, it was too painful. When I bumped into an old roommate of his he was aware he was in jail for what he did to me and it was more awkward and painful to me then it was worth-- even though he tried to be nice it was clear he felt super awkward -- I mean, what can you say about something like that? "Oh so you guys decided to call it quits huh since he assaulted you and is in prison? Uh no. So I avoid anyone associated w him but even if it had been a "regular" breakup I know for me it would be too painful at least initially socializing w people he knows.

Edited November 25, 2017 by rubyjuly

[heartoutside]

So it's been a rough couple of days. Thanksgiving brought a lot of memories back. Last year my parents came up and we went to my ex's parents house and spent the week there. It was great. So I key flashing back to that and then thinking how could I go from that to being here, in this situation, everything changing 180!!!

 

But then this morning I woke up feeling good, not great but better than I have felt in a week. Only to have it all come crashing down when my ex texted me out of the blue.

 

Hello, sorry to bother you today. There has been a request that I deliver something to you and so I’m wondering if you will be at work past 5pm today by chance.

 

I wrote back saying I had to run right at 5 but my business partner would be at our work and she could leave it with him.

 

She wrote back ok, I'll leave it with him or ship it to your folks.

 

So I said I'm confused? Is it for my parents? Either way you can leave it with my business partner.

 

She then wrote back sorry, I know can I just call you?

 

I told her she can call later on tonight.

 

I'm not going to answer naturally. She can leave a vm.

 

But I don't get it!?!! Just leave what ever it is at my work. Why go to all this trouble?!!