Do I end things after 3 years together, or not

[Nic26]

My partner is 7 years younger than me (he's 25). I think when we met the age gap was not noticeable and we were definitely what each other needed at that time. Three years on, and I'm not sure I find our relationship as fulfilling. Age gap or not (that could be irrelevant) - my partner is much more laid back and less proactive than me. Whilst he is independent, I feel like I have to always be the instigator and organiser in every situation. This kind of scenario has caused many repetitive discussions, but at the end of the day, that's just who we are.

 

I don't want to change him - I accept that we are just different personalities. And for a while, I saw the positive in this and thought we balanced each other out, so to speak. I'd say over the past year I have begun to feel unsettled and unfulfilled. I feel more like his mum sometimes and this has completely killed it for me. I'm still attracted to him and I still love him...but this feeling of dependency has turned me off and can be exhausting. I feel so unsexy and uninspired by the relationship. I'd like to feel as though we have more of a mutual partnership. Plus I find dominance and experience*so attractive in a man.

 

We have spoken about this issue on a number of occasions, and usually at the end of our discussion, all that has been established is that we are different personality types. I'd like him to be more proactive, and he'd like me to be more relaxed. And that's that. So I'm wondering whether there's a way we can work this out? Or if we're just incompatible and the relationship has run its course? I often look at him and just see a young guy, and wonder if we're still on the same page.

 

Aside from that, we have so much respect for each other, share the same values, love each other a lot and are generally great together. He's so caring and regularly tells me I'm 'his world'. I'm not sure if this whole dynamic is making me see him more as a friend, or if I feel this way as we've been together for a few years and the initial sparks have died down.

 

I care for him so much and I think he'd be devastated if I ended things. Even the thought of it makes me feel like a horrendous person, and I know it'd break my heart too. But I also know there's no point in continuing if there's no future. I'd like to feel fulfilled in my relationship, and my instincts are leaning increasingly towards ending things and moving on.

 

This post may come across as quite black and white but everything I've written is actually so confusing to be living. I literally have no idea whether I really want to end things or whether I'm just experiencing itchy feet after a few years in a relationship. I even have moments where I think I'm crazy to even be considering ending things. And then a few days later, my feelings change again.*

 

*I'd be extremely grateful if anyone has any insight to share...maybe you have experienced similar and have some good advice. I think ultimately I'm maybe struggling to accept that my relationship is over and am looking for some fresh perspectives.

 

Thanks for reading!

[Highndry]

To be honest, I don't see any details that lead me to believe it's anything other than GIGS (grass is greener syndrome). You simply sound like you want to try out other guys. Unfortunately, that rarely ends well. Relationships take work. No matter how much you want sparks to fly year in and year out, that's just not reality.

[bummer]

I'd like him to be more proactive, and he'd like me to be more relaxed. And that's that. So I'm wondering whether there's a way we can work this out?

 

So relax! Tell him you think it would be awesome if he planned some excursions for you both. Something spontaneous.

 

If you get the feeling he's not putting in 100% anymore either, then you should trust your gut and run. If you want kids and marriage and that hasn't come up, bring it up. Establish your expectations for the future and see how he responds. My guess is you'll get much of the same you've gotten.

[basil67]

Nic, the things that he's not proactive about, are they things which are simply annoying? Or are they things which hold him back in life or make more work for you?

 

For instance, my hubby takes a long time to get around to doing house projects. And if I didn't get the car serviced, he'd let it run into the ground. He can't figure out how to dress our son for his day program and he rarely remembers to plan dates. But he's really reallymotivated at work and is a terrific provider. He also does his share around the house, so the other things are nuisance rather than dealbreakers.

 

Look with fresh eyes as to whether or not it's nuisance or dealbreaker. And if you want kids, would he be a motivated father?

[Nic26]

It's basically his approach to everything. He loves to cook, that's probably the one area he's more proactive in than me. But big things, like flat and car hunting...he doesn't make much effort. Even if I try to leave things to him and not take over...I just see him ticking along and not doing anything to contribute.

 

I think he'd be a fantastic father. He's much more keen than me to have children in the future and he always tells me, "I'll marry you one day". I'm definitely in no rush for either, so I don't have any concerns there.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Sounds to me like you just have the three year itch .

 

Something my mom says....ask yourself, "in five years, will this matter?" If the answer is a definite YES, evaluate the relationship. If it's no....well, evaluate yourself.

[marky00]

So relax! Tell him you think it would be awesome if he planned some excursions for you both. Something spontaneous.

 

If you get the feeling he's not putting in 100% anymore either, then you should trust your gut and run. If you want kids and marriage and that hasn't come up, bring it up. Establish your expectations for the future and see how he responds. My guess is you'll get much of the same you've gotten.

 

 

I agree with this. This relationship has entered the phase where you are starting to PULL. He then responds by pushing which makes things worse because you will see that as clingy behaviour etc.

 

 

So, the first thing to try here, is just totally relax and see if that has a positive effect on him. If it does, then you have something to work with. If not, then at least you will have some piece of mind that you tried.

 

 

If you don't relax, this thing will die very quickly because if the pull/push dynamic goes unchecked for too long, it's all she wrote.

[SpecialJ]

I think this depends on whether or not you feel that his lack of initiative in certain areas is holding YOU back. I have a close girlfriend with this same issue with her husband (who is older than she is, but similar dynamic). She knew about it going into the marriage but thought it wouldn't bother her too much and he'd improve over time. After years, neither of those things is true.

 

If he isn't lazy professionally, and if he's someone who would solidly be there for you (and your kids) both day-to-day and in a crisis, don't just let this relationship go without seriously working on it first. My friend has gone to couples counseling, and it has definitely helped (though not solved anything entirely). If you feel like you'll forever be a parent to him instead of a partner, however, then it might be a true incompatibility.