marriage is a mess

[chris261083]

This is going to take forever to type.

I need to go back almost 20 years to previous events as I feel it has relevance.

Me and my wife were together at school. With have lived with each other most of our lives. She is 31 and i am 34.

She was pregnant at the age of 13, and gave birth to our daughter at 14. We have 4 children now although I only wanted 2. With our daughter she had severe post natal depression and it caused a lot of problems as my daughter feels that she has never been loved by my wife. The next 2 children that came along I did not want. She had contraception removed without telling me. I loved her, I chose to stick by her. So now we have 3 kids and with all the depression she was cheating on me left right and centre. It culminated 5 months after we got married.married? Yes, I was in love.

I moved out and went to live with my parents. 5 months after this she contacted me and asked me to visit. I had not seen her the whole time as my dad used to exchange the kids for me weekends.

I reluctantly visited and she said she thinks she is pregnant and her new bf is moving in. I was like, this girl is crazy!

I was with a very nice 18yr at the time. I was 21 and my wife didn't know.

2 weeks later, my mom said she called and wanted to see me again.

This visit was different. She broke down and told me she wanted me back. Wtf right?

I told my mom laughing and her advice was go back to your children. I couldn't believe it.

Eventually I did, I told my wife I was only there for the kids.

She told me she had changed at that the other guy meant nothing because he wasn't me lol. What a crock of ***** pmsl.

She said she was going to make me happy and she realised what she lost.

I was dumbfounded, but guess what? We had an amazing 10 years. It was perfect.

We have been married nearly 14 years.

During this period there has been many blows to our marriage. I have lost 18 family members due to death. She was great for me especially with my moms death. I also had a work accident that left me off work for many years. But we were a "team" ya know. Nothing could break us.

I should also mention that after our reconciliation we had another child although she never had post natal depression with this one unlike the other 3.

The past maybe 4 years have been very very stressful for both of us do to the kids hitting teenage years. This is why kids shouldn't have kids.

I was drinking more and more and my wife was also smoking a lot of weed.

The stress was just too much.

About 2 years ago she had what I can only describe as an emotional breakdown.

She wasn't looking after the kids and children's services got involved.

I gave up 2 jobs over the course of this year to help out with the kids.

I want it noted that I truly believe she still has not recovered from tho breakdown.

When this happened I found out my wife had been having secret "dates" with a married woman. It gets worse lol.

She was also sending pictures of her "bits" to random people on the internet. My daughter found this out and told me. It really has not helped their relationship, considering its never been good.

This really upset me and if I'm honest, it still hurts now. Those are my "bits" ya know.

Anyway, since then my wife has been constantly lying to me, even about things that don't matter.

I started to feel like I couldn't trust her and it started to consume me.

She really didn't help, whenever we were among friends she was constantly touching and flirting with other people.

Around 7 months ago my wife said she had had enough of my drinking, ill get to that soon. She said she's leaving and taking the kids on Saturday.

By that point I was suffering to with depression and anxiety and I had really had enough. I didn't want to feel like that anymore.

I left on the Friday morning to rented accommodation. As I left she was ok and told me it was for the best.

After I went round the corner to turnaround, I drove past and she was standing there, head in hands sobbing her heart out. I was like wtf?

This is where I started to realise that her decision making of late was very very weird.

Three hours later she called me crying saying she had made a huge mistake and was going to do something"stupid" I had to send her family round to sort it out.

She also moved to rental accommodation, but the house she moved to was being sold. Why move to a house you know you cant stop in?

Anyways, I enjoyed being on my own and I noticed a massive drop in stress levels.

She wouldn't leave me be, saying she couldn't cope with the kids on her own. Ya see, I've been like the emotional glue for her, the one that holds it all together.

5 weeks on and I moved into her new house with her. The first 2 weeks she treated me like a god. After that, back to the mood swings from her and the depression from both of us. During that 3 months I have never drunk so much. I work in the week so wouldn't drink. Weekends was a different story. I would get out the house at every opportunity and when I was in the house I would drink till I fell asleep. Her drug use also increased. I stopped drinking before I moved out and sought recovery. I am proud to say I'm still in recovery and still sober. My wife would not give up the drugs and still uses them now we are apart. In my opinion it was the substance abuse that ended it. To this day she still says she doesn't have a problem. Now I am sober I can see clearly what's gone wrong. Stress, we had way more than most believe me, we are human. By the time I left I believe I was in the midst of my own breakdown.

She left me though. The first week I tried to reconcile and to try and make her understand that the way she has acted the past few years is very very weird and out of character. She says I was the problem. As I sit here typing this I firmly believe that she is still severely mentally ill.

I found out a few days after I left that she message a friend from my work asking him for sex. I'm not going into it but everyone at work found out. I was left completely and utterly humiliated.

About 10 days after I had left she had moved a new guy into her house around my kids 24/7.

She reluctantly met with me to discuss it. She said she's no longer in love with me and the drinking killed our marriage. She said she understands she's not been perfect and has been openly honest to her family about her faults. I have since found out its lies, again ill get round to it.

The new guy makes her happy she said and I had plenty of opportunities to sort the marriage out. (she rejected all offers before we split)

She was like a lovestruck kid. He is her world now. After 10 days?

I said, he doesn't even have a job and parties every weekend. You don't need that, you need stability for the kids and to get help. She believes there is nothing wrong with her, and the euphoria of a new partner is not helping.

Anyway, I left it be. Getting my stuff back from her was a joke. I should note my daughter came with me tho time. She has spoke to me and also thinks her mothers behavior/decision making is shocking. Child maintenance has been arranged and I have sorted out her moms house as the exchange point for the kids.

That's a journey right? Lol.

Obviously a break up is difficult and some days I don't know where I am. Imo rational people will feel guilt over their part. I don't feel guilt. I stopped drinking before I moved out, she told me that was the problem and I held my hands up and said I'm seeking help. On a side note, I know this site is about love but recovery and finding ones self has been an amazing journey for me and one that I would recommend to anyone that is abusing substances.

Her weed is not a "problem" but I have seen firsthand what it does to her.

She is acting like life is fantastic right now but yesterday was a very emotional day for me.

I took my boys to a trampoline park and my middle son was clearly upset.

I told the others to enjoy themselves while I took him outside.

Poor lad broke down in front of me. He said his mom asked him if he minded the new guy living with them. He said he doesn't mind, he said that because he was already living with them. He doesn't want him there and he's confused about his moms actions.

I told him to be polite to this guy but keep his distance if he's confused. Also I reinforced what I said to the lads when I left. That I am not abandoning them and I am always there for them to talk to. I urged him to talk to his mom and make his feelings known.he said his mom wont care what he says.

I had to dig extremely deep here guys as inside I was slowly boiling.

Imo the kids should come first and his opinion DOES matter. A child that feels he cant talk to his own mother about his insecurities? That Imo is seriously f*c*ed up. The kids are already fragile because of things we have BOTH put them through and we agreed we both need to be better parents. Moving Joe bloggs in after 5 minutes is doing way more harm than good.

I don't have space for sleepovers yet but I thought whatever, ill sleep on the floor. That lad is staying with me tonight.

I'm not going to lie, we had a very long chat and I did pry him a little.

That may be disgusting on my part but I feel I need to know wtf is making him so upset.

He told me my wife has basically made me the scapegoat for the whole situation and her side of the family have swallowed all her crap and have turned on me dramatically with my kids having to listen to their dad being constantly slagged off. He doesn't like it, neither should he.

Things at home are great when the new guys there, I'm never mentioned. When he is not there the wife's depression is becoming visible with the lads being shouted at all the time. She has been like this a while with me also being on the receiving end.

I'm not happy about it. I thought the problem walked out the door? Confusing right?

I firmly believe my wife is full of s**, and she does care about this seperation. She doesn't want to talk about me to new guy but will openly slag me off when he's not there?

Because Imo she has replaced me so to speak but the "emotional glue" isn't.

She also got her mom to message me twice today about things she didn't need to. I should mention I started NC 3 weeks ago.

Its really really difficult. With the weird behaviour of the past 2 years and her decision making. What if she deep down does still care about me? 20 years is a lot to forget. What if she feels guilty about the way I've been treated?

What if this new guy is a rebound. She's sitting on all that emotion. When it comes to the surface which I think it will, there is going to be a f**** huge explosion of mammoth proportions, I'm not joking here.

What can I do? On one hand I love the crazy b**** and I am genuinely worried about hers and the kids emotional wellbeing. I know I can "fix" her,I've done it many times over the years. Maybe if I did we could have another 10 good years.

On the other hand in thinking I have done a hell of a lot for her and the kids and i really do not deserve to be treated like this. What about what I want ya know. My stress has disappeared, I'm sober ffs and besides all this s*** to deal with, I do genuinely prefer living on my own

Selfish I know, but I feel like I've put 200% into someone and got this in return.

A mess right? Advice please.

Chris.

[chris261083]

She hasn't told her family about all the things she has done. I have proof. She barefaced lied to me. She knows deep down that she has done a lot wrong.

[Goodguy05]

I know u have a family and all but don't subject ureself to this torture staying wth her u need to be done wth it for ur own sanity and health

[chris261083]

I know u have a family and all but don't subject ureself to this torture staying wth her u need to be done wth it for ur own sanity and health

 

So you think there is no hope to sort this out?

[coolheadal]

Chris can you clean up that first post hard to read and the computer can't handle it... Sounds like you had rockin roll marriage..

[chris261083]

Chris can you clean up that first post hard to read and the computer can't handle it... Sounds like you had rockin roll marriage..

 

Hi. Basically a lot happened at the beginning of the marriage with trust issues from me and depression from the wife followed by 10 fantastically happy years.

Due to stress not of our own fault we both started substance abuse. Her cheating came back the last few years and severe depression from both of us.

She "says" she is extremely happy in her new relationship and the guy moved in with my kids after 10 days.

She is on cloud 9 and says she couldn't give a **** about me.

The issues for me really is that whenever we have argued/split up she always comes running back. If I'm honest, I think at some point she will want to talk to me. Like I said, my son I having a hard Time of it. I spoke to him today and he said she started shouting at him as soon as he walked in the door. Because he's struggling emotionally he said he wanted to live with me. His moms response was to take his xbox off him and ban him from sleeping at my place. Basically its my fault he's acting out. I feel like phoning his mom and telling her to maybe talk to her son instead of shouting at him.

Her behaviour is not normal and its clear the depression did not walk out the door with me.

So I'm torn between being in love with her and being worried about her mental state and the kids, and thinking I don't need this **** and its not my problem anymore. But I am finding the breakup hard, I eat maybe once a week and have lost around 12kgs. Sleeping is a joke too.

But my stress is reduced.

[coolheadal]

That's bad your really messed up about this. Why not take her to court and get the kids away from her. She can't just take them like that. Those are your kids right? She mean one, you love her but love doesn't matter to her. Are you working? Why did leave or did she that the next guy would put up with her crap. Children get upset and go crazy as well this will have long lasting effect on them. She doesn't care about anyone except her wants and needs.

[coolheadal]

That's bad (you need eat otherwise you'll end up in the ICU) your really messed up about this. Why not take her to court and get the kids away from her. She can't just take them like that. Those are your kids right? She mean one, you love her but love doesn't matter to her. Are you working? Why did leave or did she that the next guy would put up with her crap. Children get upset and go crazy as well this will have long lasting effect on them. She doesn't care about anyone except her wants and needs.

[chris261083]

That's bad your really messed up about this. Why not take her to court and get the kids away from her. She can't just take them like that. Those are your kids right? She mean one, you love her but love doesn't matter to her. Are you working? Why did leave or did she that the next guy would put up with her crap. Children get upset and go crazy as well this will have long lasting effect on them. She doesn't care about anyone except her wants and needs.

 

Yes they are my kids. My friend did suggest trying to get custody of the kids but although I am in recovery for alcohol, I'm unsure how a court would view it? Well she said she didn't want to be with me but it was my choice to leave, she never asked me too. Yes I work, besides my accident I always have provided for my family. I have sold my own possessions at times to keep a roof.

I have a well payed job atm. My wages used to go into her account for bills and if I wanted something I would if there was any left.

The marriage was never abusive, my kids love me to bits.

Well with regards to the new guy, she is obviously trying to replicate what she had with me thus him living there after 5 minutes.

He works 1 night a week as a barman? I give her maintenance but if he's living there he has to pay the bills right? He cant support them financially and he cant support her emotionally because he has no idea what he's dealing with.

I did tell her the day I moved out that she would never find anyone who would love her as much as I do and would put up with her ****.

I am also questioning why a guy of 34 would still be living with his mom and has no kids but would then move in with a single mom of 4 after 10 days?

I found out earlier that he suffers from anxiety. He really I not in the right relationship for dealing with that lol. The point in making is that he must be lonely or needy to just move in like that.

And yes, it comes across like she only gives a **** about what she wants.

She is a classic example of "getting what she wanted, but not wanting what she got" ie a big family and marriage.

She cant hide who she is forever, and the new guy cant either. Its all a facade in a new relationship and once they wake up there could be more emotional damage to my kids.

[ayoung73]

I am so very sorry for this situation, it is a great deal to navigate; if you’re still working I’d suggest tapping into the employee assistance program and taking advantage of counseling. Get yourself together, get your children on the right track and if you’re both willing, marriage counseling. As you mentioned, you prefer living on your own and maybe this is your answer, fulfill your obligations, take care of the children, get yourself together and build a better life for you and your children. Help her as much as you can, but it sounds like you two are doing nothing but hurting one another at this point…what do you think?

[chris261083]

Hi, what I think is well, its not good is it?

I am doing all the shifts I can right now to try and distract myself.

Last week I found out the new guy moved in a week after I moved out.

This has has a profound effect on my 13 year old.

We both agreed that we had BOTH put the kids through a lot and we both needed to up our games.

Today is day 50 of sobriety and I'm starting to feel better in myself and I don't think I want her back now, I mean look at what she has done to me? Jeeez.

My son said last weekend that he doesn't want the new guy living with him so I just told him that I have no control over it and to be polite but keep your distance, in reality this guy is a stranger. Nobody knows who he REALLY is right?

This weekend he stayed with me again but his mood has gotten worse. He doesn't like new guy at all know, my son says he's a dick.

My son isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, or so I thought lol. He has astonished me with what he said.

He said when I moved out he expected his mom to get her act together but he had no hope for me at all.

He said he is very proud of me and how I'm trying to make a difference, ill be honest, I had to look away. I went in the bathroom and sobbed my heart out.

It made me realize that what I promised to them when i moved out is becoming reality. They deserved better, I am better.

His mom I find is not good.

He said she and new guy are at the pub every weekend getting pissed then come home and get stoned. He said new guy could barely stand up thursday night.

WTF!!!! They take our youngest with them too.

She has blamed the breakdown of the marriage on me, period. Everything is my fault, even though she knows full well she has not been the best wife or mother the passed 2 years. Her family have no idea what she's done to me.

This is really confusing for me but I am also feeling validated.

The new guy word 1 day a week as a barman. I think that just pays for his beer lol. He has no kids of his own and just gets wasted weekends.

I explained to my wife that I didn't think this guy was good for her or the kids because of his partying ways, she said he will change for her lol.

From what I gather, he isn't changing Is he? She's just tagging along while he parties.

My son said she is drinking a lot lately and he's worried about her.

He said she only thinks about herself and he has noticed changes in her.

For example, when she is around new guy she acts as though she is perfect. When she's not around him, the kids are being shouted at and i am bad mouthed.

The fck is that all about?

He says he feels as though he cant to his mom so I have been encouraging him to talk to his nan. (moms mom)

I spoke to his nan Saturday night and told her I was not a happy bunny. She said she is worried about my son because he has been acting out. She tried to get it out of me but I told her I'm not betraying my sons trust, if he wants to reach out he will.

Anyway. We had a great sleepover, xbox+pizza=dad points lol.

I dropped him off yesterday, told him he cant phone or message me on xbox anytime.

As soon as I get home, I have a message waiting for me.

Along the lines of, moms told me I cant live with her anymore because nan has told her I don't like the new guy.

FFS right. If I didn't work nights, he would be here now.

I told him he needs to tell her how the choices she has made and her actions are worrying him.

He did.

He's banned from seeing me (fcking try it bitch)

He also has to put up and shut up.

I've been analyzing this ok.

Why didn't she really listen to him and put him first?

He moved in 5 minutes ago after his dad left ffs. Why not say ok, new guy can fck off and he can sleep over when my sons out. She can spend all day with him when the kids are at school and organise the kids to stay with family when she wants a drink?

As far as my son knows, there is no drinking or smoking in the week, but I also know that he's been given an earlier bed time and the kids have missed several days off school recently. My wife has never used drugs on a limited basis, it is always everyday.

So you can see why I'm worried for the kids.

I have questions I cant fathom, maybe you guys can help.

1)why jump into a new relationship so quickly without thinking about the kids?

2)why did the new guy jump in so quickly?

3)she told me she didn't want the kids round someone who drinks anymore, now she's drinking loads and jumps headfirst in with a known party guy. Why?

4)why act differently around him?

5)do you think she harbors guilt as she knows everything wasn't my fault?

6)she has told me and everybody how happy she is, so why is she acting like this?

7)I have said before that I still love her, I have tried but you cant switch 20 years off. Is she struggling with the split more than she's letting on?

8)she told the kids not to tell me what goes on in the house. Is this because she knows its fcked up?

9)this "relationship" is moving very quickly. They are buying a pub together even though she's in debt and he doesn't have a real job. They are also going to Spain next year lol. He moved in a week after meeting, have been inseparable since and it seems that the "relationship" is based on alcohol, drugs and sex. Honestly, how to you guys see this panning out?

Finally, yes I have been in counselling since I left, it has been a fascinating journey.

Marriage counselling? Erm, think ill pass on that lol.

Thanks

[chris261083]

Any help with this please?

[Hecan]

Man, you are so right!! Your kids have to come first and you have to be the one to advocate for them. I wish I had answers for you. From the sound of your posts, you are not in the US. Is that correct? You have to find some legal avenues to fight for your kids !!

Kudos to you for sobriety. Please don't let this stress lead you back to that coping mechanism .

[chris261083]

Man, you are so right!! Your kids have to come first and you have to be the one to advocate for them. I wish I had answers for you. From the sound of your posts, you are not in the US. Is that correct? You have to find some legal avenues to fight for your kids !!

Kudos to you for sobriety. Please don't let this stress lead you back to that coping mechanism .

 

Hi there, I'm in the UK.

My friend said the same, I have to be their voice but she has played the victim card very well here. How do I voice my concerns without looking like I'm just poking my nose in?

Her mom suggested we get together and discuss it, I told her I would and that we could meet on neutral ground. I have heard nothing back, she knows what I will say lol.

Yes, seeking legal advice maybe the only option here. Its like she's completely losing it. I think because she has played the victim she is unwilling to hold her hands up to what's going on. Why answer those awkward questions when she can just say I'm full of ****? This obviously isn't the case as my son approached me, not the other way round.

I am trying to encourage him to have a heart to heart with his nan and tell her his concerns. She is obviously on her daughters "side" regarding the marriage, the kids though are a different conversation. She will not sit by and let this happen. I messaged him last night but he didn't get back to me, I'm guessing he's not allowed to talk to me. I will see him Friday as I promised to buy him a new xbox game so ill see how he is then.

As regards to sobriety, if I was going to drink I would have done it by now lol.

It will not make things better, it will just add to my problems. I think I have enough of those pmsl.