Day 20 NC - Not getting any easier

[johnwill1294]

Welp, I've exhausted about every resource on the internet and beyond so I'm coming here looking for any advice at all.

 

My ex-girlfriend recently broke up with me at the end of August after a 3 year relationship (broke up on the 3 year anniversary) and I have been doing absolutely terrible. The reason was mainly because I had taken the relationship for granted and was neglecting her. At first she was really thoughtful and texted me telling me that she might change her mind, and me being the dumb person I was, responded to her, told her I'd try to be her friend, blah blah blah, all the stupid mistakes. Eventually, after pressuring her to stop stringing me along and make up her mind, she told me she'd never date me again, which obviously crushed me...

 

After that I did a lot of research and started no contact. No contact is hard, after two weeks I caved and texted her casually which led to us meeting up. The meet-up was terrible, I thought I was strong to meet her but I broke it felt like I had my girlfriend back but the whole time I kept hearing her say stuff like "so glad you decided to be my friend" and crap like that. Terrible decision on my part. The next day I told her I couldn't be her friend, then we texted about the relationship a while which ended with me asking for another chance and saying other stuff I shouldn't have which could be considered begging.

 

Once that convo progressed she started giving me all this attitude for no reason saying things like "you gave up on me" "you kept your life a secret and bottled up your emotions the whole time we dated" and just saying all these negative things. At the end she gave me the words I never wanted to hear "I have feelings for someone else" she kept saying that she still loves me and a part of her wants to try again but she had to get these "feelings" out of the way first for the other guy. Now I'm not stupid I'm not gonna be anyone's second choice, so I decided to cut it off and restart no contact again, this time really committing to keeping it. She still wants to be my friend but no I can't do that. She said "my biggest fear is you'll never talk to me again"

 

It's been 20 days and all I've heard from her is "I hope you're doing well", I'm starting to think she just doesn't care at all about me anymore period. But from explaining this what do you guys think? I get that moving on is the only way but as much as I try to I can't make myself believe I'm better off without her. I know I'm capable of moving on, and being happy, but I can't make myself think that I'll be better off without her. I get that the "get your ex back" products are frowned upon on this site, however, I got a free pdf of that "text your ex back" and after reading, it seems pretty harmless, as long as I'm in a good emotional state to try it out. But I don't know. As cut and dry as the situation seems, I can't help but feel like I should try to start something new with her when I feel emotionally stable again.

 

The facts right now are that she is with a new guy (idk if theyre officially dating), doesn't seem to care about me, and I am miserable and letting my thoughts/emotions consume me.

[Highndry]

You only have one move left in my opinion, and it involves NEVER INITIATING ANY CONTACT with her again. You're only going to annoy her and push her away. When she does contact you, if she ever does, be polite but firm with something along the lines of:

 

"Hey, I appreciate you checking in on how I'm doing, but I really have no interest in being your friend. Unless you are contacting me because you've realized you made a mistake and want to work on things, I'd appreciate no more contact from you. Best of luck."

 

I know it's hard, but you're on life support in that relationship. She's already dumped you and said she's interested in somebody else. Time for you to move on without her, unless SHE has a change of heart. You have no more say.

[Beachead]

Welp, I've exhausted about every resource on the internet and beyond so I'm coming here looking for any advice at all.

 

My ex-girlfriend recently broke up with me at the end of August after a 3 year relationship (broke up on the 3 year anniversary) and I have been doing absolutely terrible. The reason was mainly because I had taken the relationship for granted and was neglecting her. At first she was really thoughtful and texted me telling me that she might change her mind, and me being the dumb person I was, responded to her, told her I'd try to be her friend, blah blah blah, all the stupid mistakes. Eventually, after pressuring her to stop stringing me along and make up her mind, she told me she'd never date me again, which obviously crushed me...

 

After that I did a lot of research and started no contact. No contact is hard, after two weeks I caved and texted her casually which led to us meeting up. The meet-up was terrible, I thought I was strong to meet her but I broke it felt like I had my girlfriend back but the whole time I kept hearing her say stuff like "so glad you decided to be my friend" and crap like that. Terrible decision on my part. The next day I told her I couldn't be her friend, then we texted about the relationship a while which ended with me asking for another chance and saying other stuff I shouldn't have which could be considered begging.

 

Once that convo progressed she started giving me all this attitude for no reason saying things like "you gave up on me" "you kept your life a secret and bottled up your emotions the whole time we dated" and just saying all these negative things. At the end she gave me the words I never wanted to hear "I have feelings for someone else" she kept saying that she still loves me and a part of her wants to try again but she had to get these "feelings" out of the way first for the other guy. Now I'm not stupid I'm not gonna be anyone's second choice, so I decided to cut it off and restart no contact again, this time really committing to keeping it. She still wants to be my friend but no I can't do that. She said "my biggest fear is you'll never talk to me again"

 

It's been 20 days and all I've heard from her is "I hope you're doing well", I'm starting to think she just doesn't care at all about me anymore period. But from explaining this what do you guys think? I get that moving on is the only way but as much as I try to I can't make myself believe I'm better off without her. I know I'm capable of moving on, and being happy, but I can't make myself think that I'll be better off without her. I get that the "get your ex back" products are frowned upon on this site, however, I got a free pdf of that "text your ex back" and after reading, it seems pretty harmless, as long as I'm in a good emotional state to try it out. But I don't know. As cut and dry as the situation seems, I can't help but feel like I should try to start something new with her when I feel emotionally stable again.

 

The facts right now are that she is with a new guy (idk if theyre officially dating), doesn't seem to care about me, and I am miserable and letting my thoughts/emotions consume me.

 

Hey OP,

 

I feel for you.

 

I'll start by saying this. The only reason you can't stop thinking about all this because you are attached and addicted to the routine with her. I'd even dare to say that love can be the most powerful drug a person can take...and she's it. So what you are feeling now is withdrawal. Although I am certain you have feelings for her, the withdrawal amplifies and distorts your feelings because of the addiction and makes it seem far more than it really is. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. Use this time as an opportunity to learn how to be single again. Grieve, cry it out. Distract yourself. Come on here and talk to us. As you've already learned thus far, no contact is and will continue to be extremely difficult but it will work.

 

The guy she's with is very likely a rebound and I see them breaking up sometime down the road. She appears cold because she's using this new guy to distract herself from whatever unresolved negative emotions she felt from the breakup. People don't move on 3 year relationships that fast.

 

This doesn't mean that you should wait and hope. You need to use this time to heal which includes going through the withdrawal you are feeling.

 

There's 2 ways you can go with this:

 

Number 1: No Contact where you block her number, email, and take her off all social media and move on with yourself, never to speak to her again.

 

Number 2: If number 1 is too difficult, leave one open line of communication but DO NOT contact her at all and pull her off of social media. It's a softer touch.

 

Over time, your mind will begin to clear and you'll start to find some clarity. If she ever comes back and I have a feeling she will in your case, should you want to reply, you'll be able to do so with a better frame of mind. Also, you can do no wrong with her in your silence. This way you preserve your dignity and the silence and time will clear the air and settle the dust from the breakup.

 

Do not respond to "Hope you are well" and "Hi" or any kind of meaningless text that lacks substance or direction. They lead nowhere. She needs to put the work in.

 

One last thing. No Contact is for yourself to heal..it's not to win her back. Keep that in mind.

 

Goodluck

Edited October 17, 2017 by Beachead

[johnwill1294]

I want to thank both of you for your reponses. It really is nice that people on this forum really care enough to type out such thoughtful replies.

 

What's so frustrating about the situation is that she is so adamant about being friends and then acts like I'm a jerk for me not even trying to be friends. As if she doesn't even slightly understand how hard that would be for me. She acts like I'm a jerk for distancing myself. It's not even like she wants no part of me like most breakups, she wants me to be her buddy and talk to her and hang out as friends. That literally can't work.

 

It's also frustrating just because we had a future panned out and now everything is so uncertain. I'm gonna graduate college in December, she graduated last May. We were going to move out west together when I graduated and now that this all happened, I have no idea what I'm gonna do. It's just insane to me that someones feelings can change that drastically so fast.

 

I want to try to rekindle things in the future when I'm emotionally stable but I don't even know if I should even bother to talk to her because I don't want to lose my self-respect in the process.

 

And I can't help but think about this new guy she's with. She's a college graduate, smart girl, yet she's seeked this guy who in her words is a "functioning alcoholic" and "weed addict" he dropped out of college and sits in his house all day doing nothing. I thought I knew her well enough to know she wouldn't be attracted to losers (not even just saying that cause I'm bitter, facts are facts), but I don't know. I just need to stop analyzing it.

Edited October 17, 2017 by johnwill1294

[Highndry]

Your only option is to flip the script on her. Completely shut her out and show her you are over her, and moving on without her. She needs to feel that loss and then, perhaps, have a change of heart. It's the only way. Pushing her to come back never, ever works. No promises of changing, proving your love, any of that nonsense will ever work. It only projects weakness. You need to project strength and the ability to stand on your own without her, and even then it's a long shot. When women decide to leave, they usually don't come back.

[johnwill1294]

Your only option is to flip the script on her. Completely shut her out and show her you are over her, and moving on without her. She needs to feel that loss and then, perhaps, have a change of heart. It's the only way. Pushing her to come back never, ever works. No promises of changing, proving your love, any of that nonsense will ever work. It only projects weakness. You need to project strength and the ability to stand on your own without her, and even then it's a long shot. When women decide to leave, they usually don't come back.

 

You're completely right. It's so damn frustrating because I feel like she tricked me into thinking the breakup was about me being a bad bf, when it was really her replacing me with this new guy (at least in my opinion) and that she doesn't even care to even reach out to me or show that she even cares at all. She really doesnt care at all, is definitely super satisfied and happy with her life right now.

[Romantic_Antics]

You're completely right. It's so damn frustrating because I feel like she tricked me into thinking the breakup was about me being a bad bf, when it was really her replacing me with this new guy (at least in my opinion) and that she doesn't even care to even reach out to me or show that she even cares at all. She really doesnt care at all, is definitely super satisfied and happy with her life right now.

 

You have to take what a woman says to you at the time of a breakup with a grain of salt. I've gone from being the love of someone's life and the best thing that ever happened to them to the worst thing that ever happened to them. It hurts to hear stuff like that, but those are the kinds of things that get said sometimes in the heat of the moment or when somebody is trying to justify their decision to leave the relationship. Think of it as the little kid who screams "I hate you!" at his mother shortly after getting into trouble.

 

As hard as it is, try to accept the current reality and be happy that she, as someone you still have feelings for, is happy. It's tough to do that, but it can be liberating as well and get you one step closer to moving on.

[Beachead]

I want to thank both of you for your reponses. It really is nice that people on this forum really care enough to type out such thoughtful replies.

 

What's so frustrating about the situation is that she is so adamant about being friends and then acts like I'm a jerk for me not even trying to be friends. As if she doesn't even slightly understand how hard that would be for me. She acts like I'm a jerk for distancing myself. It's not even like she wants no part of me like most breakups, she wants me to be her buddy and talk to her and hang out as friends. That literally can't work.

 

It's also frustrating just because we had a future panned out and now everything is so uncertain. I'm gonna graduate college in December, she graduated last May. We were going to move out west together when I graduated and now that this all happened, I have no idea what I'm gonna do. It's just insane to me that someones feelings can change that drastically so fast.

 

I want to try to rekindle things in the future when I'm emotionally stable but I don't even know if I should even bother to talk to her because I don't want to lose my self-respect in the process.

 

And I can't help but think about this new guy she's with. She's a college graduate, smart girl, yet she's seeked this guy who in her words is a "functioning alcoholic" and "weed addict" he dropped out of college and sits in his house all day doing nothing. I thought I knew her well enough to know she wouldn't be attracted to losers (not even just saying that cause I'm bitter, facts are facts), but I don't know. I just need to stop analyzing it.

 

 

You two were together and in love. She left. It hurts. And it should. She is being unrealistic and inconsiderate for her own selfish reasons and that's disappointing because it shows a lack of respect for you. Do not oblige to her requests.

 

The way I see it, she chose to leave what she had with you to go to him for whatever her reason is. Pull the training wheels off. Don't talk to her, don't be friends. Let her live out the reality of her decision. She cannot have her cake and eat it too nor does she get to choose the parts of you from the relationship she wants to keep while she gets to throw away the rest. It doesn't work like that.

 

I can't predict how things will go down in the future but I do know right now, if you stick around, you'll regret it.

 

Goodluck

Edited October 19, 2017 by Beachead