My story about a recent break up and mental health issues

[daz3dandconfus3d]

Hi all, so me and my exSO have recently broken up. It was a long time coming and both of us wanted it to happen.

 

first a bit of backstory, I met her just over 3 and a half years ago whilst she was temporarily filling in at my place of work. It was one of those fairytale moments where there was an instant attraction.

Going on over the next few months we met up once a week and progressed into dating. we were both cautious at first as she had significant trust issues brought on by an abusive relationship that ended very badly! with that in mind, we took our time to get to know each other and eventually started to spend more and more time together.

 

at first, this was fine but as we got closer her mental health issues started to become more apparent. often with her experiencing complete mood swings which at some stages turned into violent outbursts on her part, the crux of the matter she was terrified of losing me and whenever she felt insecure she would show this behaviour.

 

it would go on like this with her 99 percent of the time being fine and us, for the most part, being a happy couple. as we got more intimate she started showing signs of bad jealousy at the time completely blowing up on me for small things, for example, one time a girl at a bar brushed past me spilt some of my drink and then proceeded to apologise to which my exso flew off the handle.

 

again this was the natural ebb and flow of our relationship for a while, until one day she did the same to a very close friend of mine enough was enough I needed a break to think about how things were going.

Of course, she did not like this and tried hard to get back together with me turning up at my house for a while crying to my parents. she eventually stopped this and after a while, i began to miss her and at the promise of change gave her the benefit of the doubt.

 

things went well for a time after that she has a problem with marijuana use, got help and gave that up and with some support from me went to the doctors to start involving her gp in her issues.

 

Things for a while we were happy, we were in love and after a year of this stability decided we wanted to live together.

 

At first, things were fine but after some time the mental health issues crept back along with the marijuana abuse. this would go on for a while a fight would happen she would calm down but it would always creep back. roll onto a year ago with support from a friend and myself we found her a job that she had always wanted but never been successful.

 

she started this job and found her feet for a while things were the best they had ever been and I could honestly start to see us having a good future together.

 

but as always the problems crept back.

 

at this stage, I had been supporting her for a very long time and it started to come at great cost to me physically financially and mentally I started to back off spend more time by myself and things started getting stale.

 

moving on to the past week communication had pretty much broken down by this point and we turned into people that were essentially friends that f***ed and lived together.

 

I tried my absolute best to talk to her about things get her to open up and started becoming clingy and anxious. this only resulted in her understandably running even farther from me until after a few volatile days enough was enough and we decided to go on a break.

 

it was brought on by us both really but our perspectives were not the same.

 

from her point of view she was sick of hurting me wanted to seek proper help for herself start counselling e.t.c and didn't feel that whilst I was around she could do that as I was making her mental health issues worse and she felt smothered by everything. but she hopes to reconcile in the future but with the way things were going with herself it needed to happen.

 

This has left me having to move out now absolutely broke, feeling very very damaged and alone.

 

I do absolutely love the woman but right now I am conflicted as I feel I agree with her points and want her to heal and be able to work on her issues.

Yet after such a damaging and intense relationship part of me is screaming just go yet a bigger part of me is saying look use this as an opportunity to heal get yourself on track and focus on your life and if it happens it does if not well no big deal.

 

for the past 3 days though she has been talking to me and I her, I guess we are both finding it hard being alone but this is not healthy so we initiated NC which so far is going well.

 

she wants to meet up in a month or so and hang out and talk and see where things are but I feel this is far too soon and whilst I think she has matured so much and has a drive she was missing I feel that it's too soon and we would be doomed to repeat the cycle. something which cant happen it taken such a toll on me that I've been having night terrors since the breakup.

 

So here I am a very confused and broken person at the moment just trying to make sense of it all so I ask what do you think what advice would you have for someone like me?

 

Sorry for the wall of text and thank you

[d0nnivain]

You are in love with a violent drug abuser with mental health issues who has drained you financially & emotionally.

 

She's not going to change. You have to save yourself by letting go of her once & for all.

 

Love is not enough to fix this.

[daz3dandconfus3d]

Thank you i think I'm in denial and just having a hard time coming to terms with everything! hearing it from someone elses mouth to say just backs up the logical side of my brain! shame really

[Downtown]

SHORT RESPONSE. Daz3d, you are describing many red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Significantly, I'm not suggesting that your exGF has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person who exhibits strong BPD symptoms which can make your life miserable regardless of whether they are so severe as to exceed the diagnostic threshold. Hence, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with her, I would recommend that you consult with a psychologist to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with for 3 years.

 

LONGER RESPONSE. Daz3d, welcome to LoveShack. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling actions, temper tantrums, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, needing constant attention, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

She was terrified of losing me.

There are nine symptoms that are used to define a strong pattern of BPD behavior. The very first symptom is "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH.

 

I was making her mental health issues worse and she felt smothered by everything.

In addition to the abandonment fear, BPDers have a second great fear: engulfment. This fear arises from another BPD symptom which is "unstable self-image or sense of self." Due to this weak sense of self, a BPDer has virtually no personal boundaries established. She therefore has great difficulty knowing where her own feelings and personality stop and where yours begin. As a result, she can quickly start to feel like she is losing herself inside your strong personality during intimacy. That is, a BPDer will feel like you are smothering and controlling her. This is why it is called the "engulfment" fear.

 

Instead of knowing where her personal boundary is, a BPDer experiences feelings that are enmeshed with yours in a dysfunctional, unhealthy manner. For example, she will be so enmeshed with you that your lack of excitement for a movie will ruin it for her because she won't recognize that those are YOUR feelings, not HERS.

 

Conversely, she also will fail to recognize that many of her own feelings are originating inside her own mind, not yours. If she is feeling unhappy or fearful, for example, she will be convinced those painful feelings are coming from you -- i.e., are what you are thinking. This distorted way of thinking, which we all occasionally do to some extent, is called "projection." BPDers do it far more intensely and frequently than the rest of us.

 

Such projection will be especially evident when, despite your keeping your mouth shut to avoid triggering her anger, a BPDer nonetheless will suddenly become angry with you -- blaming you for the hurtful feeling or fearful thought she is experiencing at the moment. This means that, even when you don't say any thing or move any muscle, you nonetheless will be perceived as the cause of her unhappiness simply because you are the only person in the room with her.

 

I was making her mental health issues worse.

If she is a BPDer, you were harming her by triggering her two fears. That harm is unavoidable due to the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

Her experiencing complete mood swings which at some stages turned into violent outbursts on her part.

A third BPD symptom is "Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days." Whereas Bipolar mood swings typically are slow to develop and slow to disappear, a BPD mood swing can occur in ten seconds because they are triggered by an event (real or imagined).

 

She was sick of hurting me wanted to seek proper help for herself start counseling.

If she actually does exhibit strong BPD traits, she will find that nearly all major cities offer excellent treatment programs (e.g., DBT and CBT). These programs teach BPDers the emotional skills they never had a chance to learn in childhood. Although this training will not eliminate the intense emotions that BPDers feel, it will show them how to better manage those emotions. But, sadly, it is rare for a high functioning BPDer to remain in such therapy long enough to make a real difference. One reason is that a BPDer's inability to trust anyone who draws close means that she likely will be unable to trust the therapist at some point. Another reason is that nearly all BPDers lack sufficient self awareness to see that they still have an underlying issue that warrants several years of intensive training.

 

Whilst I think she has matured so much... I feel that it's too soon and we would be doomed to repeat the cycle.

If she is a BPDer, the individual therapy would require several years, at least, to have a lasting effect. This is not to say, however, that you won't see dramatic improvements in only a month's time. Like the smokers who are seen throwing away their "last pack" every two months, a BPDer typically will be seen making dramatic improvements many times a year. Remember, even a roller coaster is seen making dramatic gains half of the time.

 

I am a very confused and broken person at the moment.

if you really have been dating a BPDer for 3 years, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling "confused and broken." It is common for a large share of the abused partners of BPDers to feel like they might be going crazy. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

What advice would you have for someone like me?

If you ever feel inclined to reconcile with her, Daz3d, I would advise you to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I would also suggest that, while you're looking for a psychologist, you protect yourself by learning what BPD red flags to look for.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid returning to this toxic relationship or, if you do decide to stay away, avoid running right into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," irrational jealousy, cold withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Daz3d.

[daz3dandconfus3d]

Wow a lot of that makes so much sense I did suspect that she was bi-polar however whenever she did go and talk to a professional all treatments would be short lived as you say and the classic line from her "I'm just hurt" would be uttered.

 

I will look into all of the things youve recommended I have a question though do yuo think its worthwhile me talking to a professional throughout my relationships I seem to be attracted to people with deep-set issues I guess I could be a rescuer!

once again thank you!

[Downtown]

Wow a lot of that makes so much sense I did suspect that she was bi-polar.

Actually, the first issues to consider when seeing mood changes are a hormone change (e.g., puberty, pregnancy, PMS, postpartum, or perimenopause) and drug abuse. Those are the two most common causes of strong mood swings. I didn't mention them earlier because she apparently isn't pregnant and occasional marijuana use generally is not associated with violent outbursts, an inability to trust, and irrational jealousy.

 

If those two issues can be ruled out, the remaining two common causes of emotional instability (mood changes) are BPD and Bipolar. You will see why I didn't mention Bipolar if you take a look at my post on 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. You are not describing the warning signs for Bipolar.

 

Do you think its worthwhile me talking to a professional throughout my relationships I seem to be attracted to people with deep-set issues I guess I could be a rescuer!

Welcome to the group! Like you, I tend to be an excessive caregiver. As I understand it, our wanting to help people is a good thing. It becomes a problem only because we continue helping people even when it is to our great detriment to do so -- and even when our efforts are not really productive. We apparently do this because our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are).

 

The result is that we tend to walk right on past all the healthy emotionally-available women (BORING) until we find one who sorely needs us. We therefore are highly empathetic men who are expert at spotting vulnerability across a crowded room. Likewise, BPDers are expert at projecting vulnerability -- because they have a false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." If you doubt they have such a skill, go watch any movie including Marilyn Monroe. That woman could project enormous vulnerability right off a flat movie screen, thus becoming one of the world's most beloved women.

 

As to seeing a professional, you may want to see a psychologist a few times if you believe professional guidance would be helpful. In the long run, however, you will just have to keep reminding yourself that -- in order to find a healthy mate -- you must have patience. You cannot keep expecting fireworks and adoration in the first few weeks, i.e., when coming out of the gate. Stable women usually will take time to develop and exhibit those intense feelings. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer, it likely will take some time for you to wean yourself away from the emotional intensity and drama. This withdrawal period may feel like you're giving up an addictive drug.

[daz3dandconfus3d]

Interesting though I must stress that it is not occasional drug abuse with her. It is constant she will wake up have a smoke and almost continuously smoke throughout the day up until the time she sleeps. Is it possible that her impulses and actions are a consequence of her dependency on drugs rather than potential BPD? I only ask as looking through your list she only really exhibits 6 of those 18 points you make in the thread. Also thinking back she hasn't always been a heavy smoker a lot of the flash points seemed to happen when she smoked heavily and when she backed off and gave up for a while a lot of the behaviours she displayed went away. Reading into others experiences actually has kind of confounded this thinking. when I read others experiences about mood swings it really does not fit what I have seen as a whole over the relationship

Edited October 15, 2017 by daz3dandconfus3d

[Downtown]

Is it possible that her impulses and actions are a consequence of her dependency on drugs rather than potential BPD?

Yes, absolutely. As I noted above, it is more common for unstable, moody behavior to be caused by drug abuse than by BPD. This is one reason that psychologists are very reluctant to try to diagnose BPD while a person is abusing drugs.

 

The diagnostic problem is that, although there is a strong association between drug abuse and BPD symptoms, it is difficult to tell which direction causality is flowing. Because BPDers have little impulse control and tend to engage in risky behavior, a large share of them abuse drugs. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 50% of the women exhibiting "any drug dependence" in the past year also suffer from co-occurring lifetime BPD. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP. It therefore can be difficult to determine whether BPD is causing the drug dependence or, conversely, the drug use is causing the BPD behavior (i.e., the rapid mood flips).

 

One way that psychologists resolve this dilemma is to look at the patient's behavior before the drug abuse occurred. This usually is possible because BPD traits typically start showing strongly in the early teens. The psychologists also look at family history to see if there was any childhood trauma or abandonment that could have given rise to BPD.

 

Another way they resolve the dilemma is to consider whether the patient is exhibiting symptoms that are strongly associated with BPD -- but not with drug abuse. Whereas drug abuse often causes strong mood swings, it generally does not produce most of the other BPD symptoms. That is, it usually does not produce a great fear of abandonment, a great fear of engulfment, an inability to trust, or "violent outbursts" -- the BPD symptoms you're describing here.

 

On the contrary, marijuana use typically results in mellow and laid-back behavior (but sometimes can result in paranoia). This is why many people rely on marijuana to treat their anxiety, OCD, or panic disorder issues. I therefore suspect that your exGF's BPD symptoms are being suppressed -- not exacerbated -- by her marijuana usage. Hence, I suspect that the reason her "mental health issues crept back along with the marijuana abuse" is that she has been relying on marijuana to calm herself down whenever she experiences flareups of her BPD symptoms.

 

To be clear, Daz3d, I cannot know what is troubling your exGF. I've never even met the woman. That's why I encouraged you to discuss these issues with a psychologist if you ever feel tempted to take her back. The best I can do is to point you to information on the warning signs and to try to answer any questions you have about them.

[daz3dandconfus3d]

That's very interesting and that would also make a lot of sense! I have no idea why I'm trying to reason with all of these behaviours shes exhibited.

From what I have read I would be nuts to want to reconcile if she is indeed a bpder! I think im going to get some psychological guidance there are a few issues I wish to iron out about myself and feel it would be good if i could try to clarify if she really is a bpder for future lessons.

[SunnyWeather]

marijuana use can def cause or exacerbate manic episodes in those with certain conditions, I've seen it first hand.

 

 

OP you have tried to make this work, it's not. No matter how hard it is to let her go, if you stay and try and work things out, the same issues are going to continue unless both of you change the dynamics of your relationship. Sadly, it doesn't sound your ex is capable of that kind of change, not just in herself, but as a couple. I'm sorry, but the longer you hold onto this, the longer it is going to take for your to heal.

 

It's also a good time to try and understand why you stay in these unhealthy relationships. Use this time to heal and integrate your own issues to attract a healthy partner.

 

good luck

[daz3dandconfus3d]

Well, today's been hard, a lot of emotional triggers for me but keeping strong! And your all right I tried my absolute best at a great detriment to all aspects of my life! But yea ultimately I don't know if she can ever really change I really do hope she can for herself! I know in myself I cant go back to that situation unless she really can.

 

I was speaking to my sister and she believes my father exhibits bpd traits and looking at it I think she's right. Ive suffered a lot of bullying at his hands over the years.

 

Ive started reading walking on eggshells and I'm finding it really helpful, though hearing the stories and realisation of some peoples situations is heartbreaking.

 

Anyway thank you.

[Downtown]

Daz3d, thanks for giving us an update. Am glad to hear you're reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. That's a good choice. It is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the abused partners. Another good book is I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

[daz3dandconfus3d]

Thanks, well weve just had an argument instigated by her I feel bad because I dug my heels in and instead of taking the blame actually stood up for myself i think ive made her think about the way she has acted and is now very very upset, I think she most definatly has some bpd tendancies i also feel bad because yet again ive triggered her abandonment issue. i want to go nc but right now its not possible what should i do?

[daz3dandconfus3d]

I'll also add she has a history of violence and destruction against an ex after learning a bit I can imagine that her reasons for that are likely very different to how and why in reality she attacked her ex

[Downtown]

I also feel bad because yet again I've triggered her abandonment issue.

Daz3d, as I tried to explain above, it is impossible to avoid hurting a BPDer's feelings as long as you remain in contact with her. If you move closer to her by expressing your love, you will trigger her engulfment fear. Alternatively, if you draw away to avoid suffocating her, you will trigger her abandonment fear.

 

Moreover, even if you sit still in a room and don't say anything and don't move a muscle, she will project her painful feelings and bad thoughts onto you. Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, a BPDer will be absolutely convinced that the bad thoughts/feelings are originating from you. In that way, your mere presence in the room -- or on the phone with her -- will trigger one of her two fears and hurt her.

 

I want to go nc but right now its not possible what should i do?

Daz3d, I thought you had already gone NC. Two days ago you said, "So we initiated NC which so far is going well. She wants to meet up in a month or so." Have you moved back in with her already due to a lack of finances? If so, and if she exhibits only moderate BPD traits, you likely can calm things down a little bit by establishing and enforcing strong personal boundaries, e.g., refusing to stay in the room when she is being verbally abusive.

 

If she exhibits strong BPD traits, however, establishing strong boundaries will not work because she will perceive it as proof that you are determined to abandon her. Indeed, if her traits are strong, it is highly unlikely that anything you do will produce a substantial reduction in the toxicity and hostility. As noted above, she will be convinced that you are causing her painful feelings even if you sit absolutely still and don't say a word. This lose/lose predicament is why I suggested you see a psychologist for professional advice if you ever decide to move back in with her.

[daz3dandconfus3d]

Hey, I understand that and yes NC had been initiated from both our points of view unfortunately I can't completely cut her out as she has my cat temporarily while o get funds to move into my own place ( back at parents for now ) not that I've been talking to her she was the one who didn't want to talk yet it talking to me getting mad e.t.c I guess that's her abandonment fears. I asked her why she was talking to me and she said I know you feel bad also i guess a projection, sad truth of the matter is I really don't and am actually enjoying getting myself back

[daz3dandconfus3d]

A further update I basically affirmed no contact in a nice way she responded with blame and accusation, I wanted to have access to the cat she held that against me and tried to use it to control me. In a moment of anger after she told me I needed help I told her to search bpd and get help I feel very bad about doing that. She was not capable of giving it space so I've had to block her entirely. She was still trying to control me I'm not letting that happen. So now I've completely cut ties with her. I really didn't want it to be this way but ultimately I guess it had to be. I guess I won't be getting my cat back =\

[Downtown]

I told her to search bpd and get help I feel very bad about doing that.

If she exhibits strong BPD traits, it is unwise to tell her because she almost certainly will project it back onto you. Because the projection occurs at the subconscious level, she will truly believe that you are the BPDer. Although I understood that very well, I nonetheless told my exW by giving her a BPD book in a box of belongings she picked up. So this is a case of "Don't do what I did but, rather, do what I say." Of course, my exW immediately believed me to be the BPDer.

 

Am glad you've gone complete NC. As long as NC is partial, you will continue harming her by triggering her fears (which is impossible to avoid). As to your cat, BPDers usually treat them very well. Indeed, your exGF may love your cat already. Like strangers and casual friends, cats don't trigger the fears of a high-functioning BPDer.

[Downtown]

I told her to search bpd and get help I feel very bad about doing that.

If she exhibits strong BPD traits, it is unwise to tell her because she almost certainly will project it back onto you. Because the projection occurs at the subconscious level, she will truly believe that you are the BPDer. Although I understood that very well, I nonetheless told my exW by giving her a BPD book in a box of belongings she picked up. So this is a case of "Don't do what I did but, rather, do what I say." Of course, my exW immediately believed me to be the BPDer.

 

Am glad you've gone complete NC. As long as NC is partial, you will continue harming her by triggering her fears (which is impossible to avoid). As to your cat, BPDers usually treat them very well. Indeed, your exGF may love your cat already. Like strangers and casual friends, cats don't trigger the fears of a high-functioning BPDer.

[daz3dandconfus3d]

Honestly thank you so much for your help downtown it's been so very helpful to me and it's really helped me begin to understand and make the right choices for me as well as her you've been amazing! As for the cat I have no doubts she will treat it very well much better than herself it's still sad to think that I've potentially lost him. Well onwards and upwards though I suspect this isn't the end of this

[Darkchan]

I feel like I can totally relate to the feeling of friends with benefits only that happens to live togheter. My exSO broke up with me yesterday and I moved out today. He said he didn't love me and he also acted more self-destructive the more time passed towards the end. At a point he just wouldn't care about me.

 

Even though all circumstances I still love him (or rather the person I met in the beginning?) and feel like he is the right one and that I will never get over this.

 

We need to hang in there and keep trying to heal and do our best!

[daz3dandconfus3d]

I can totally relate to the still loving them part its very difficult but as time goes on you'll start to see through it and it will get better!

 

For me, I think I definitely loved the person I met at the beginning but then as time went on I just loved the idea of them. I think ill always love that person I first met before times got hard but that person does not exist anymore.

 

But yes we need to stay strong, Heal and move forward!

[daz3dandconfus3d]

So I've had a few things that have happened over the last week I took a very hard look at the things that happened to me, and am starting to come to terms with the failed relationship. I feel a great sense of relief being out of that situation and am really enjoying being able to get my life back I've become healthy and active again and have just lost my first stone in weight. However last weekend I had a weak moment me and the ex were suppose to go on holiday, I decided to go by myself. On the drive down I started to find it hard replaying everything and felt a great sense of loneliness and sadness. I almost crashed due to bad weather and had a bit of a breakdown. Post that it was good to get away.

 

I spoke to an old ex of mine who we remained good friends, she confessed she was diagnosed with bpd after we spoke about my recent ex.

This makes me worry as this is looking like a trend of mine.

[Downtown]

An old ex of mine... confessed she was diagnosed with bpd after we spoke about my recent ex. This makes me worry as this is looking like a trend of mine.

Perhaps it is, Daz3d. This is a common concern among those who are now stumbling out of BPDer relationships. As I noted about ten days ago (post #6), you should keep reminding yourself that it is important give a new potential partner time to develop the intense feelings that BPDers exhibit coming out of the gate. It is unreasonable to expect fireworks and adoration in the first few weeks from most women who are emotionally stable and mature.

 

Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer, it may take some time for you to wean yourself away from the emotional intensity and drama. This withdrawal period may feel like you're giving up an addictive drug. Those of us who are excessive caregivers tend to look for a partner who exhibits strong vulnerability. We are inclined to walk right on past all the strong, stable people (BORING). It gives us such an intense high to feel like the knight who has ridden in on a white stallion to rescue the damsel from her distress and unhappiness.