Broke up with gf, now kind of regretting it. Hardest thing i’ve ever done.

[Samson1988]

Broke up with girlfriend, now have regrets. Did I mess up?

 

Ive been dating this girl for about 4 months now. The worst part is that she was initally a roommate in my house. I know this was a horrific idea but we seemed to like each other at the beginning so I rolled the dice. After a couple months of dating I realized that she was very strange in some ways. Yes we are all weird in our own way, but ive never met anyone like this.

Communication was as smooth as nails. She would laugh to herself all day and gaze into the sky. It was hard to relate. Bringing her around friends was often embarrasing, as cruel as that sounds. I found myself not interested in much she had to say. Not missing her if I didnt see her for a while. I realized eventually that she unknowingly has Aspergers (pretty positive), which would explain almost all of her weird behaviors. No wonder she didnt know how to talk around my friends.

With that info in hand, I gave it another shot, hoping my new understanding would bring us closer. Well it didnt. Talking to her was a drag. I started getting annoyed at her personality. It made me feel like a ****ty person and guilty. She was such a sweetheart though. She would always cook for us, and show interest in my well being. She met my parents and family. We got pretty intertwined so it was so hard to break it off. I told her my frustrations but she just said we need more time and gazed into the sky while giggling.

Anyway we did break up and its been over a week now with minimal contact. My mind has been on a roller coaster of emotions. Its been hard, i mean id rather get shot with a bullet than experience this heartache. She is getting ready to move out and now that I havent really seen her for a week im starting to wonder if I made the right decision. Here is this beautiful girl, probably too pretty for me, who shows what seems like love for me, yet I am not happy.

When I broke up with her I was sure that it was the right choice, but now that a week passed im not. I glance at her and realize how pretty she is and how I should feel lucky to have her.

On top of that im 29, so its not like im that young either. Eventually id like a family and kids and breaking up with my gf isnt really a move forward. My friends were surprised I broke up with her, which made this heartache even harder. Am I being too picky? Am I throwing away something potentially amazing? Btw I understand relationships have ups and downs, and in no way do i expect anythong or anyone to be perfect.

[ExpatInItaly]

So you have regrets because she's pretty? Looks aren't everything, especially when you're fundamentally not compatible. If you were finding it this difficult to date her, trying to establish a long-term relationship with a mind to marriage and family would have been utterly unfeasible.

 

You listened to your gut that something wasn't right here. Who cares if your friends were surprised that you broke up with her? They weren't dating her. You listed no good reasons to stay together, as it's quite obvious you're not into her. This didn't have the potential to be amazing. You know that.

 

I am not sure why you are assuming she has Asperger's, as I don't imagine you're exactly qualified to make that assessment, but I do think there was a very obvious disconnect between you. You made the right choice. Continuing under these circumstances would have been unfair to you both.

[Samson1988]

Appreciate the reply. Ironically enough I majored in neuroscience, which in no shape or form gives me credentials to diagnose anyone. However, i do know what to look for and ive done my research. I could def be wrong but trust me that my assumptions are based on careful and humble observations.

Even if she doesnt, she communicates in a way that started to drive me insane. Again, replies like this help me alot. Not because you are making a decision for me or anything, but some outside perspective makes my life easier.

[Beachead]

Hi OP,

 

I think you are going through something normal. Break ups are hard for both the person doing the dumping and the one on the receiving end of it.

 

I think you're second guessing yourself because of guilt. I also notice that you've put in your mind that you are 29 and need to settle down soon. I believe this contributes to your doubts. The fear of being alone. These are more self-serving reasons than they are for her betterment. Now that she's gone, the reality of the break up is slowly settling in and you are feeling the emptiness of it. But remember, you broke up with her for a reason. You would not be doing her or yourself a favour if you got back together because from the sounds of it, who she was down to her core, was someone who was getting to you.

 

She's not going to change in one week and you're not going to learn how to get used to it. Don't fool yourself.

 

Trust yourself and your decision.

 

Good luck

Edited October 10, 2017 by Beachead

[dumbass2]

From what you have said you made the right decision for yourself. How you feel is pretty normal when you have to break up with a "good" person. After a break up things are rarely the same, good or bad, so it's probably just best to move on now that it has happened. I'm a firm believer in issues being work through while in the relationship because once some has said those magical break up words, feelings change and rarely come back, especially so soon afterwards. It's just different.

[ayoung73]

Reread your last paragraph, it says it all…you’re talking yourself back into it, rationalizing the relationship and if you got back with her all the negativity would turn into anger, regret, and the relationship wouldn’t end so easily the second time around. In addition, you seem to have convinced yourself you’re not good enough and you should be so lucky with a crappy relationship and it doesn’t matter what you have to put up with…you’re just as good as me, you deserve to be happy, and if in a few months you’re still experiencing these feelings of inadequacy, you should consider seeing a professional and to be honest, it’s a great experience and it helps so much…leaps and bounds. What are your thoughts?

[BlueIvy]

I think it’s best that you let go so she can find right fit for her, and you can find right fit for you. Her being pretty is not enough to carry a relationship. Also 29 is still young and even if you were old, you can still date and get married. This relationship wouldnt have worked out in the long run so best to cut it now. There are other women out there.

[Samson1988]

Reread your last paragraph, it says it all…you’re talking yourself back into it, rationalizing the relationship and if you got back with her all the negativity would turn into anger, regret, and the relationship wouldn’t end so easily the second time around. In addition, you seem to have convinced yourself you’re not good enough and you should be so lucky with a crappy relationship and it doesn’t matter what you have to put up with…you’re just as good as me, you deserve to be happy, and if in a few months you’re still experiencing these feelings of inadequacy, you should consider seeing a professional and to be honest, it’s a great experience and it helps so much…leaps and bounds. What are your thoughts?

 

Thanks for the reply. i never considered therapy and ive been through break ups before. although ive never lived with anyone before, therefore our habits and lives were intertwined to a high degree. Its just hard to let go of that habit, comfort and reliability. Perhaps im struggling to be happy myself, and thay carries on to the relationship. Maybe the relationship is great, its judt that my perception of it is wrong. Deep down i dont think thats the issue but there is a part of me saying that im ****ing up top

[thecrucible]

I know how you feel, Samson. Sometimes breaking up after a few months sucks the most because emotions are so intense in that stage of the relationship.

 

She would laugh to herself all day and gaze into the sky. It was hard to relate. Bringing her around friends was often embarrasing, as cruel as that sounds. I found myself not interested in much she had to say. Not missing her if I didnt see her for a while.

 

So it wasn't 'love'...you cared about her but you weren't in love if you didn't really miss her being there. If you felt she embarrassed you, there's not enough respect there. You did the right thing by letting her go. You've done the right thing because being with a guy who doesn't love you deeply for longer than necessary causes more hurt in the long run.

 

I realized eventually that she unknowingly has Aspergers (pretty positive), which would explain almost all of her weird behaviors. No wonder she didnt know how to talk around my friends.

With that info in hand, I gave it another shot, hoping my new understanding would bring us closer.

 

Well you really did try which is wonderful because some people wouldn't. You are obviously a dedicated person. Don't be with someone out of pity though. This can happen a lot that two good people get together but their personalities just don't work with each other. It was good that you were honest with yourself about whether it could work and actually had the balls to do something about it.

 

Anyway we did break up and its been over a week now with minimal contact. My mind has been on a roller coaster of emotions. Its been hard, i mean id rather get shot with a bullet than experience this heartache. She is getting ready to move out and now that I havent really seen her for a week im starting to wonder if I made the right decision.

 

What you are feeling is totally normal. You will have ups and downs during a break-up. That's okay. As for whether you made the right decision, spend longer thinking about it. Don't flip flop because it will impact her too. If you're not sure that's still a no for getting back together. Don't come back to her in that state of mind - it's not fair on her.

 

Here is this beautiful girl, probably too pretty for me, who shows what seems like love for me, yet I am not happy. When I broke up with her I was sure that it was the right choice, but now that a week passed im not. I glance at her and realize how pretty she is and how I should feel lucky to have her.

 

Don't put yourself down. Besides, looks aren't everything. I've dumped really looking guys before, and wealthy guys...I mean those guys were good matches on paper but what's the point in clinging on for shallow reasons if the dynamic isn't working?

 

I feel like you right now - will I find someone else? I think the odds are you will but let yourself get over this before going out there.

 

On top of that im 29, so its not like im that young either. Eventually id like a family and kids and breaking up with my gf isnt really a move forward. My friends were surprised I broke up with her, which made this heartache even harder. Am I being too picky? Am I throwing away something potentially amazing? Btw I understand relationships have ups and downs, and in no way do i expect anythong or anyone to be perfect.

 

I feel like you! I really wants kids and a family too and I just broke up with a guy! But when you think about it...further commitment won't solve the problems in your relationship. And my married friends have told me "marriage isn't everything it's cracked up to be". I interpret that positively - I think they are saying that marriage doesn't do anything magical. The relationship is what it is essentially.

[heretoh3lp]

You weren't interested while you were with her. Keep telling yourself that. You gave it a few shots, it didn't work. Keep telling yourself that.

 

Break ups make us feel a lot of different emotions, usually all at once. She's moving out, moving on, leaving. You were with her for a while. She was someone important to you. Of course you're going to regret it when it comes down to and she is packing up and leaving.

 

The truth is, if you really do regret it, give it more time. Regretting something over 1 week and regretting something over six months are 2 different things. Be her friend, stay in touch, try to move on.

 

Keep reminding yourself she wasn't someone you wanted around your friends, as horrible as that is. Keep reminding yourself you didn't miss her when you two were together. It'll get easier.

 

Just don't get back together because she looked pretty and you felt sad it was the end of the relationship. Reassess these feelings in a few months time and see if you feel the same way. And don't get back together with her because you feel as though you are getting too old to find anyone else. Don't do that to yourself, and don't do that to her.

[Samson1988]

I know how you feel, Samson. Sometimes breaking up after a few months sucks the most because emotions are so intense in that stage of the relationship.

 

 

 

So it wasn't 'love'...you cared about her but you weren't in love if you didn't really miss her being there. If you felt she embarrassed you, there's not enough respect there. You did the right thing by letting her go. You've done the right thing because being with a guy who doesn't love you deeply for longer than necessary causes more hurt in the long run.

.

 

 

I appreciate the reply. This actually helped. How strange it is that some strangers words can help you out. Emotions are so powerful!

[thecrucible]

I appreciate the reply. This actually helped. How strange it is that some strangers words can help you out. Emotions are so powerful!

 

Aww I'm so glad. I'm going through a break-up too right now so it's cathartic for me to help others. Plus I have been in the same situation as you on both sides of the coin.

 

Think about it this way as well. By trying to make things better and then breaking up as soon as you felt that things weren't working out, it actually shows what a good guy you are at heart and that you have integrity - with yourself as well as others. I do know there are men out there who already have one foot out the door but will stick around when they know they aren't into the girl for sex and other fringe benefits and/or their lack of self-awareness just makes them selfish. I'm glad you have chosen not to be that guy!

 

No one wants to be the bad guy when breaking up with someone but you were honest about things and it sounds like you broke up with her respectably so the importance of doing the right thing is more than protecting the ego if you know what I mean...Hugs!

[Samson1988]

Aww I'm so glad. I'm going through a break-up too right now so it's cathartic for me to help others. Plus I have been in the same situation as you on both sides of the coin.

 

Think about it this way as well. By trying to make things better and then breaking up as soon as you felt that things weren't working out, it actually shows what a good guy you are at heart and that you have integrity - with yourself as well as others. I do know there are men out there who already have one foot out the door but will stick around when they know they aren't into the girl for sex and other fringe benefits and/or their lack of self-awareness just makes them selfish. I'm glad you have chosen not to be that guy!

 

No one wants to be the bad guy when breaking up with someone but you were honest about things and it sounds like you broke up with her respectably so the importance of doing the right thing is more than protecting the ego if you know what I mean...Hugs!

 

Thank you I appreciate that. Sorry to hear you are going through a break up as well. Sounds like you know what you are doing though.

If you wanna talk shoot me a message id love to discuss it more!