She left me after two blissful years

[MrKoala03]

My long term (almost 2 years) girlfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. She told me that she did not want to be with me right now and could not handle the stress of our relationship in her life (she is starting a nursing program this year). However, she said that she also does not think that this is the end of us and that she still sees us together in the future, and that she needs time and space so we can become the best versions of ourselves. Before everyone jumps down my throat, I AM recovering and using this time to better myself. My girlfriend and I are both 20 and go to the same University. Within a few weeks, we were together and quickly became each other's best friends. Our relationship moved very quickly: we slept together in our first week, and were nearly always together. Over the course of our relationship, we have endured distance and little contact (I worked at camp for a month summer of 2016), helped each other through the death of close family members, and each became very close with each other's families. Over the past year, I've been dealing with an overwhelming sense of anger over the long, drawn out passing of one of my family members. Similarly, she's been dealing with the stress and anxiety that a nursing student naturally acquires. We began to fight a lot, however most of our arguments were petty. There were several times when she would ask me why I was still with her, and I would always respond that it was simply because I loved her. This past summer is when things really began to get a bit more intense. We both stayed in our University town for the summer and worked. Most of our friends left, and so we clung to each other and practically lived together. The fighting escalated, but so did our care and appreciation for one another. Amidst these troubled times, I still felt as though we were more in love than ever. I, overall, treated her like a queen and she would almost daily ask me when I was going to marry her (I was planning to propose next month). One night she had apparently been "complaining" to my mom that I hadn't done it yet, and we even went to go look at engagement rings a mere 3 weeks before she ended things. At the end of the day, I can confidently still say that we were both every happy. A week or two leading to the breakup things began to change rapidly. She slowly started to become more distant and less appreciative. She started hanging around her work friends (whom she, less than a month ago, claimed were the kinds of people she did not want to be around). One of her best friends came back into town, and she began to spend more time with her. One night, we were arguing and she said that she had had enough, and that her friends said that taking a break wasn't a bad idea. I shut the idea down, and said that we were strong enough to fix things. Over our last week together, I put in my best effort to make things better, but things only got worse. She began texting a guy from work. I wasn't bothered by it, until it became a thing that she was constantly on her phone (which was odd because she's always been very detached from it). I told her I felt uncomfortable with it, and she said that I was right and that she would stop. She claimed she didn't have feelings for him, and that it was just nice to have a friend. She did not stop. She continued to text him behind my back, and when I confronted her again she said that she acknowledged that he probably had feelings for her, and that even though she knew she should stop, she didn't want to because she like having him as a friend. Between that and the arguing, things came crashing down very quickly. Her texts became increasingly apathetic and she became more withdrawn (however in person she continued to act semi-normal, even still sometimes excitedly talking about our future together). She was acting very unlike the woman I had known for almost 2 years.

The weekend before classes started, she texted me, asking me to come over after she got off work. I knew what was coming. Before I even got there, I was a mess. She thanked me for being the best friend that she's ever had and the person she loved most. But she claimed that she needed to find herself and be alone for a while. She said she may want to date other people and encouraged me to do the same. She claimed to still love me, but not in the right way and that right now, she just needed a break from us. When asked if this was the end, she said that she didn't think so and gave me the whole "if you love someone let them go and if they come back it's meant to be" quote. She wanted us to become the best versions of ourselves for each other. I cried and begged - made all of the classic mistakes. The breakup was not easy for her either by any means. I left, and returned the next day to give her the stuff of hers that I had at my place. Again, I resorted to begging and pleading. She had become more cold, but after a while she broke down as well. As I left, she began to cry again. I told her that I'd be ok and that I'd always be here for her, and then left. A few texts later and I decided that the best thing to do was to cut contact. That lasted until she ran into me on campus the following Wednesday and sat herself down at where I was. Seeing her shattered what little strength I had built up since the breakup. The conversation was normal, but the feeling was uncomfortable. I gave in again and texted her later that day, asking if I could come over and talk. She agreed, and said she would do it for me. Again, I went over and begged her to give me a second shot. I noticed when I went over that she had already begun to cleanse her room of pictures, reminders, etc. of me. This time, I acknowledged my mistakes (my anger affected the relationship, I became insecure and clingy in the past couple of weeks, I was impatient, etc) and promised her that I would change. She was a lot more cold this time, and told me that she just needed time apart. When I asked what she wanted, she said passion. This put me off, because our relationship was a very passionate one (up until she started acting distant). I accepted defeat again and left. Meanwhile, she privately changed our relationship status on Facebook, but kept all of our pictures up (which is odd because her page is mostly picture of the two of us). I contacted her family to wish them well and thank them for everything, and they said they didn't know what she was doing and assured me that it would all work out eventually. (She also told me Wednesday that some of her family was upset with her because of it). For a week, there was no communication between us until she again ran into me on campus and sat herself down. This time, the conversation was a lot more casual and friendly. At one point I asked if she was ready to talk about fixing things, to which she said not yet. Her birthday was the next weekend, and I had already bought her gift a couple months in advance, and it was very personal and non refundable. I wanted her to have it, as it was something she had always wanted. Originally, she said I could come over and give it to her the following week, but I decided against this. I wrote her a lengthy letter, essentially accepting the breakup as necessary, apologizing for my mistakes, reminding her how much I cared for her, and asking her not to contact me until she was ready to talk about fixing things. I packed it with her gift, and dropped it off with her roommates while she was away. I did not text her on her actual birthday (which she later told me really upset her). Last Wednesday, she ran into me again and sat down to talk with me. Again the conversation was friendly. However at one point she mentioned that she had been getting lunch once a week with the same guy she was texting in the last two weeks of our relationship, and had hung out with him a few times outside of campus. I'm not usually one to pass judgement, but I've seen this guy a few times here and there and from what I can tell, he's not very attractive and pretty immature. At this point I became distant, she took notice, and got up to leave. I asked her to sit, and after some convincing she did. I lost my temper a little as I told her how hard the past month had been and how I've really been working on my flaws, and that it sucked to see that she could go from wanting to marry me to how she is now in such a short time and be so doing so fine. She got upset and got up to leave again. I asked her to sit and talk, and she did. She claimed that it was not easy for her either, and reassured me that she saw a future between us still but still needed a little time to be alone. We shifted the conversation and started laughing and talking as normal before parting ways. However, I realized that even if she did think we would get back together, I was just her backup for now. I began to realize my self worth again, and I have a lot more respect for myself than to just be on her leash. Two days later, she texted me something very insignificant (just letting me know that a show we used to watch together was on sale as a box set, which was odd because we had not texted in several weeks). I did not respond. The following day (two days ago today) marked four weeks since she ended things with me. I am now committed to focusing on myself and bettering myself, and will be avoiding her on campus as well as ignoring anything less than an attempt from her to talk about our relationship. I've done all I can I think and perhaps more than I should've done to get her back.

In the time we've been apart, I have not been sitting around waiting for a call. I've actively been trying to make a change: working on my flaws, focusing on classes, getting back into the gym, running, learning guitar, and expanding my social circle. Several women have shown interest in me, and I've even been on a date, but nothing less than fixing things with my ex is really appealing to me right now. The breakup still feels like a cliffhanger rather than an end. I know that people change and their interests change, but the change in her is almost unnatural. It was so rapid and she is now hanging around the types of people who she's always thought were immature and rude. I know that one of her friends is likely fueling her decision, (the same one that suggested a break earlier). However, everyone else in our friend group or amongst our mutual friends are still very confused at what she is going through. We were the 'model' couple amongst our friends and everyone thought we'd get married. My roommate even ran into her best friend at church and she admitted that she was just as confused as I was about my ex's decision. I know that my ex will never forget me or the love we shared: we literally did everything together, I practically raised and trained her dog, and at the end of the day our connection was very special. I have not given up on hope. I went out of my way every single day to make her happy and most of the time was a true gentleman to her. Despite my flaws and mistakes, I still did my best to treat her the way any girl dreams of being treated. This all came crashing down so quickly and I feel like she is likely still fighting herself on it.

I have come to terms with the fact that she may never come back and that this may be the end. Even if she did come back, I'm at a point now to where my guard is constantly up, and she would need to work hard convince me that she wants to be with me. My love for her hasn't diminished one bit, and I know that if things were given a second chance, we'd be stronger than before. I'm finding my happiness and confidence apart from her, but it's hard to do anything with out being reminded of her and wishing that she would change her mind. I apologize for the long read, but there is a lot to the story. Have I done everything I can, and is my plan to commit to silence the best option? Any advice, words of encouragement, or similar stories that worked out for the better would be much appreciated! I know I'm young and that I have plenty of time, but I've always felt like she is "the one." I will be ok with or without her but I would definitely prefer the former.

Edited September 18, 2017 by MrKoala03

[Boymomma]

Yes, go no contact. My guess is she may have used the nursing program as an excuse. Maybe she is interested in someone else, maybe she got scared about getting engaged, who knows? Often times when we are really pushing for something its because we are secretly afraid of it.

 

I would not hold onto hope that you will back together. Go no contact and let yourself grieve. Maybe you will end up together someday, but right need to let her go. I know its tough. I have been there. My ex husband walked out on me after 11 years. You will get through this though and be stronger for it. Trust me on that.

[lolablue17]

you can see it as a test she didn't pass.

 

When you love someone so much that you want to build a family with him, you don't cut it because of tiny timing issues, or some fightings. If she "lost attraction" right after expecting you to marry her - It says it all. Believe me, you don't want to marry her.

 

Not the fightings, nor the misunderstandings are the reasons. The reason is the fact that she needed to control you, failed, and instead of communicating with you about it, she chose the passive aggresive pass "to show you". She then started to disconncet herself from you, and also met this guy who played the orbiter role.

 

You maybe love her, but you don't want to ever marry her. When you're married, she will have much more power over you. And she has proven to use this power unfairly. It's not a minor thing. It says a lot about her.

[Bastile]

I read a lot of that. But it was like war and peace without paragraphs. So, I might have missed something.

 

It's just the completely normal thing. She's a young girl in abundance, and she's exploring that through monkeyswinging. She's keeping you around for some comfort - just in case.

 

It's ultra-manipulative. And she's taking you for a bit of a mug.

 

You'll get this a few times (depending on how many girls you go out with). Same happened to me. Same happens to everyone.

 

Not sure you are in your right mind, because you are all loved up. But she's completely replaceable. She's not "the one". And you might have treated her like a queen, but you likely didn't realize that the queen is just the king's woman.

 

Love yourself above any girl.

 

Move on, and take some maturity from this.

[MrKoala03]

I understand what you're saying, but throughout most of our relationship I held most of the power or it was pretty equal, no matter how out of my way I went for her. It really wasn't until a couple of weeks before the breakup that she transformed into this completely different person. Like I said, this has been such a rapid and alarming shift, and honestly as much as I miss her, I'm equally concerned for her. Is it so wrong of me to move on and hold on to hope that the woman I knew will win out?

[lolablue17]

I understand what you're saying, but throughout most of our relationship I held most of the power or it was pretty equal, no matter how out of my way I went for her. It really wasn't until a couple of weeks before the breakup that she transformed into this completely different person. Like I said, this has been such a rapid and alarming shift, and honestly as much as I miss her, I'm equally concerned for her. Is it so wrong of me to move on and hold on to hope that the woman I knew will win out?

 

Your feelings are very natural. Yet your happiness depends on your actions as well. Yes, sometimes people might change and they might regret (usualy after trying some other guys for comparison). But out of your feelings towards her, you won\t be able to tell the difference.

 

You won't have the sense to see of she is really back to herself, of is it only a phse of insecurity, needing a solid ground for a while (you), and then will dump you after collecting herself again. You are not qualified for that, I can see that. The minute she throw a quick look at you, you will run back like a puppy. That is why sometime people need to listen to their mind, not their feelings.