Need a break from wife

[mochaj]

I am in a deep emotional turmoil. My marriage of 7 years has mostly been filled with conflicts between my mother and my wife. Over time my emotional attachment to my parents died and so did the love for my wife. I do not feel any kind of attraction or intimacy towards her.

 

I took to studies and secured admission to my dream college in another city where I am planning to move next year. However, her reaction to my plan has been that of denial (where she would try to reject my plan) and of despair (where she would weep about the fact that I am going to leave her). Realizing that I won’t back down, now she has decided to leave her job and accompany me. I do not disapprove of her decision but it makes me want to smash my head on a wall.

 

I want to set the record straight with her and tell her:

I married you only because I could not leave you heartbroken.

I care for you but I do not love you.

What would it take for you to realize that I want a break -

a big ****ing break!

 

But these words will shatter her completely. I would have preferred to lay bare all my feelings in front of her, only if she were mature enough to understand my situation and resolve it amicably and respectfully.

 

Am I asking too much from my wife?

Do I have to put up with her for entire life just because we are married?

 

PS: Divorce is not an option

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do I have to put up with her for entire life just because we are married?

 

PS: Divorce is not an option

 

LOL! Um, if divorce is not an option, then YES, you do have to put up with her for life.

 

Did nobody tell you what marriage meant before you got married??

[StormyEyes]

Yes you are asking too much of your wife.

 

And yes, you have to put up with her because you said yourself, divorce is not an option.

 

Are you looking for advice or did you just need to vent?

[cope ascetic]

Why is divorce not an option?

[K.K.]

Mochaj

Do I have to put up with her for entire life just because we are married?

 

PS: Divorce is not an option [/Quote]

 

Whaaaattt???? What do you mean divorce is not an option?? You talk about her like a dog and don't want to be with her but divorce is not an option?! Isn't it the only option? I don't understand this mentality! This is the mentality of alot of the married men who have affairs .. I just don't understand.

 

I don't get this at all! Please explain why divorce is not an option. It's the only option .. besides an unfortunate accident... Er..

[knabe]

The answer is that you should have stepped up and defended your wife from your family and protected THAT relationship all those years.

 

This is on you. This isn't about her maturity; it is about your selfishness.

 

Either work on yourself and your marriage or do her the favor of setting her free.

[d0nnivain]

I feel so bad for your wife. She's married to a man who doesn't love or respect her. You can't unilaterally decide to move without discussing it with your life partner. Who does that?

 

 

While you may think divorce is not an option, hopefully she sees things differently & will work to find herself a new relationship

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't take breaks from a marriage, OP. Did you not know what marriage entailed?

[Tiga]

Are you serious? The conflicts between your mother and your wife, the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with, damaged your feelings? Do you ever wonder what your wife feels? That you did not put her first and tell your mother to f*** off if she can't respect your wife!

 

I apologize for coming off so rude but YOU ARE A GROWN MAN AND YOU SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED YOUR WIFE FROM THE GET GO! NOT ALLOW YOUR MOTHER TO CAUSE CONFLICTS AND THEN SEPERATE YOU EMOTIONALLY FROM HER! She most likely feels like you never stood up for her and never put her first.

 

I don't know if you believe in god, but you know when you enter a marriage you are supposed to put your wife and immediate family first not your birth family.

 

And you made plans to move without even discussing it with your wife? What is wrong with you?

 

Please share with you wife what you just shared with us and do her the honor of setting her FREE! Free from a CHILD.

 

Please next time consider actually understanding what a marriage is and stand up for your next wife if you ever get married again. Even if your significant other is wrong at times you still back/him or her in front of other, behind closed doors you discuss your differences.

 

This is how a strong relationship develops and love, trust and etc. blossoms.

 

Maybe I took it a little too personal, but only because I was once in your wife's shoes where my fiancé never stood up for me.

[Tiga]

the answer is that you should have stepped up and defended your wife from your family and protected that relationship all those years.

 

This is on you. This isn't about her maturity; it is about your selfishness.

 

Either work on yourself and your marriage or do her the favor of setting her free.

 

thank you!

[Captivating]

You did not give us much info, so it's hard to "GIVE ADVICE"

 

Divorce might be the perfect option for both of you..... yes, I read your last sentence.

 

Neither of you are happy, something seems to be utterly broken.

Is there a chance that you guys can work things out and find love for her again? Do you think that you guys could rekindle the initially felt love for each other ???

 

What was the reason for the fights between the two women?

There is a personality disorder, narcissism. A narcissist tries to isolate her mate from his loved ones, wants to be in control, image is everything, manipulation, "gas-lighting" etc.

 

I definitely sense a lot of bottled up anger, that hurts you and everyone around you.

I understand that you want to relocate and step away from all of this, but if I were you I would let her go, so that she is not hoping in vain and could possibly find happiness with someone more compatible. AND SO DO YOU !

 

--- IF you probably know that you won't regain love for her and if you cannot envision a future with her .....then WHY would you strung her along hurting her in the long run ?

Hurting yourself in the long run. This "stagnant burden" situation does not help anyone.

You seem to resent her already.... how will you feel in 10 years still being by her side??

 

Everyone is entitled for finding happiness.

A breakup is always a shock initially, most of us go through several of them throughout our lifetime. I did

Some hurts initially, but makes perfect sense in the long run. We all learn so much.

 

 

p.s.:

Your birth family is just as important as your current one ... if they love you and respect you, why wouldn't you have a relationship with your parents? If my kid would not want to keep in touch with me ... that would break my heart forever.

 

Once again, we do not know the full story so my assumptions are probably not correct

 

Mochaj, keep venting here ... you need it. Talk it out, give us some more info maybe ...

Have a good night

Edited September 15, 2017 by Captivating

[BaileyB]

Yes, if divorce is not an option, you must put up with her for your entire life because you are married.

 

And no, you do not get to have a big ****ing break from your marriage. If you do take a break from your marriage, that is called separation or divorce.

 

You certainly have the right to tell your wife that you do not love her anymore and you would like a divorce. You do not have the right to "set the record straight" and destroy her self-esteem, confidence, and soul.

 

You made the decision to marry this woman, which means that you have a responsibility to her. You did not establish boundaries between your wife and your family... That responsibility was yours.

[mochaj]

I don't get this at all! Please explain why divorce is not an option. It's the only option .. besides an unfortunate accident... Er..

 

I need to clarify - divorce is not an option as its the last resort when things are irreparable. I am not seeking advice about taking divorce or not. I just need some time away from my wife.

 

 

The answer is that you should have stepped up and defended your wife from your family and protected THAT relationship all those years.

 

Do you ever wonder what your wife feels? That you did not put her first and tell your mother to f*** off if she can't respect your wife!

 

In fact, I almost always stood up for my wife so much so that I had frequent heated arguments with my mother. 5 out of 7 years almost. Those arguments had a spill-over effect on our married life too. Over the last 2 years I've began to realize that I am fighting a battle where nobody is a winner. That's when I lost attachment for everyone including my wife.

[mochaj]

You certainly have the right to tell your wife that you do not love her anymore and you would like a divorce. You do not have the right to "set the record straight" and destroy her self-esteem, confidence, and soul.

 

Thanks BaileyB, point well taken!

[mochaj]

Thanks Captivating, you've raised quite valid points.

 

Neither of you are happy, something seems to be utterly broken.

Is there a chance that you guys can work things out and find love for her again? Do you think that you guys could rekindle the initially felt love for each other ???

 

[/b][/b]I understand that you want to relocate and step away from all of this, but if I were you I would let her go, so that she is not hoping in vain and could possibly find happiness with someone more compatible. AND SO DO YOU !

 

--- IF you probably know that you won't regain love for her and if you cannot envision a future with her .....then WHY would you strung her along hurting her in the long run ?

Hurting yourself in the long run. This "stagnant burden" situation does not help anyone.

You seem to resent her already.... how will you feel in 10 years still being by her side??

 

Everyone is entitled for finding happiness.

A breakup is always a shock initially, most of us go through several of them throughout our lifetime. I did

Some hurts initially, but makes perfect sense in the long run. We all learn so much.

 

I am thinking on similar lines. I was hoping that next few years away would have given me some time to re-think, maybe I would be able to appreciate her value in my life again.

 

But she doesn't give me the breathing space. Its as if her life will totally fall apart if I am not around. Of course, marriage is forever (until divorce) but can't a man need a break? Does she have to cling on to me wherever I go?

 

 

To be fair, the conflicts were more of my mother's doing that set off our married life on a bad note, and things only went downhill. But the fact remains, I have nothing to give or gain in this relationship.

Edited September 15, 2017 by mochaj

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks Captivating, you've raised quite valid points.

 

 

 

I am thinking on similar lines. I was hoping that next few years away would have given me some time to re-think, maybe I would have been able to appreciate her value in my life again.

 

But she doesn't give me the breathing space. It's as if her life will totally fall apart if I am not around. Of course, marriage is forever (until divorce) but can't a man need a break? Does she have to cling on to me wherever I go?

 

 

To be fair, the conflicts were more of my mother's doing that set off our married life on a bad note, and things only went downhill. But the fact remains, I have nothing to give or gain in this relationship.

 

Of course she doesn't have to cling on to you wherever you go, nor should she. But that's not exactly what you're describing OP. A woman should have her own life and interests and be happy to give and take healthy space.

 

But a husband also should not unilaterally decide he's moving away for a few years and taking a "break" from his marriage. That does not qualify as healthy space, OP. That's not realistic and not what marriage is about. If that's what you really want to do, you should not be married anymore.

 

What you are planning to do (and say) is ridiculous for a married man.

[ayoung73]

Read what you wrote carefully, you don’t love her, you don’t want to be around her, yet you want to keep her around for when you’re ready? I’m sorry you’re so conflicted, but before you make any life altering decisions you should both consider counseling…maybe you need to rediscover your feelings for one another and rekindle the romance. Either that, work on your marriage and make things right, or, quite honestly…do the right thing, the honorable thing, if you don’t want to do the work and repair your marriage, LET HER GO! You’re not doing yourself, and certainly not her, any favors!

 

You wrote about not wanting to devastate her by telling her how you truly feel, what do you think you’re doing right now? Every day, every harsh word, every sidelong glance, and every negative emotion you emit is wounding her! If you loved her and if you still care for her, LIVE UP TO YOUR COMMITMENT or leave her, let her go. If you’re religious go to your pastor, he should be able to help in some way or go to a professional…stop hurting you both!