Break up recovery difficultly

[John unconfused]

Hi guys, I'm brand new to posting. I've read through others posts from time to time, and there are a lot of knowledgeable folks here. I wonder if this place can help me. I'll try to be brief.

 

I'm 39, ex is 30. I've been in 4 LTRs in my life, she's had one. She is a late bloomer. Didn't date until after college, first and only previous bf at age 24-26, didn't engage in sex until 23. This is in contrast the rest of her life as she is worldly and has always been social. I say all this to say I was her second semi-serious man. I can't really call it a relationship, and you'll see why.

 

We started out as a little more than acquaintances, as when we met we were both in relationships. She kept in contact with me for a year, and we ended up dating later on. She is very uncertain of herself and is still learning about herself. I on the other hand am experienced and know exactly what I want. We dated sporadically for a few months, at which point she told me dating was not a priority. I let it be, then a week later she called to offer FWB with no dating. I liked her, so against my better judgement I accepted. We did this for about a year.

 

At that point, she tells me she is going to be celibate, so there's no reason to see each other. I told her it wasn't just sex for me, and I would like to continue seeing each other. She declined, so again I let it be. 10 days later she wanted to talk. I agreed. She told me feelings had developed for her and she wanted to keep seeing each other, but now she wanted to date. I agreed, but I had her on sort of a soft probationary period for self protection.

 

Things went great for the next several months, until I was satisfied with her effort. I was dog sitting for a female friend, and she became jealous. I told her that it was time we start talking committed relationship, as I took this as a sign of her readiness. She said she was uncertain that's what she wanted, and requested time to think. We continued to see each other for 2 months, and I applied no pressure. About 6 weeks ago, during a phone conversation she casually changed the subject to breaking up. She said her feelings are not deep enough, and that if it hasn't happened by now she doesn't think it will. She says she hesitated due to me mentioning that friendship probably wouldn't be an option for us if we ever broke up. She cried and said she didn't want me to hate her. I told her I knew what I wanted, which is everything a relationship offers, and that I didn't hate her.

 

5 solid weeks NC, and I still had questions and feelings. I called and we talked for about 2 hours. She mentioned she thought we were incompatible to a degree and our LTR would not be sustainable. She seemed to indicate she wanted me to take more of a lead in the direction of things. I agree I let her dictate the terms, but she fought me at every turn when I tried to move things along more quickly. She then declared what we had been doing a "relationship" which infuriated me, since she declined that very thing. She ended the conversation by stating "there no hope for us". I told her I don't close doors unnecessarily, and she backed off the nobhope commrnent some, stating that by that time I would be "married already". I sent her a follow up text the next day, telling her that it was unfair of her to declare it a relationship after the fact, when that was exactly what she declined. I was firm and direct. I let her know that I cared for her, that I hope she could learn from our experience, and that she should take more chances to experience the fruits relationships have to offer. I haven't heard back (2 weeks ago).

 

At no point have I begged or asked her to reverse her decision. NC since the text. Due to our history, I am having a hard time not believing she is going to come to some sort of realization and return. I'm having a hard time giving up hope that she will return.

 

I know it was long, but it feels good to reflect on this. Any advice for me?

Edited September 11, 2017 by John unconfused
Typo

[bummer]

I told her I knew what I wanted, which is everything a relationship offers, and that I didn't hate her...

 

Pretty cold, calculated, and non-commital, huh?

 

I'm having a hard time giving up hope that she will return.

 

She probably will return... I think?

 

But for some weird non-relationship, celibate-but-not, FWB-but-not, love(?), communal, spiritual, come/go as you please whatcha-ma-call-it? Some limping triad of you, her, and an ego-driven manifest destiny where you both shoot each other in the foot to watch the blood pool?

 

I guess I'm lost. Besides you having feelings and wanting her to return... What do you really want?

 

Also, what's the condensed timeline starting from "We dated sporadically for a few months?" About a year plus 5 weeks NC?

[John unconfused]

Pretty cold, calculated, and non-commital, huh?

 

 

 

She probably will return... I think?

 

But for some weird non-relationship, celibate-but-not, FWB-but-not, love(?), communal, spiritual, come/go as you please whatcha-ma-call-it? Some limping triad of you, her, and an ego-driven manifest destiny where you both shoot each other in the foot to watch the blood pool?

 

I guess I'm lost. Besides you having feelings and wanting her to return... What do you really want?

 

Also, what's the condensed timeline starting from "We dated sporadically for a few months?" About a year plus 5 weeks NC?

 

Do you think I should have offered commitment as she was breaking up with me, after she thought about whether or not she wanted a relationship?

 

I really want a committed relationship with her.

 

We dated sporadically, about every 2 weeks, for 3-4 months.

 

All in total, out first date was 2/2015, dated for 3-4 months, went FWB for a year, then became more serious for the next year, then break up.

 

I know it's a mess. She's said there's no hope, so I guess that's where I'm stuck wondering what to do.

[Art_Critic]

IMO, it's one of 2 things...

 

She either wanted more and realized you weren't going to give her more and broke up looking to move her life forward.

 

or she has another guy in the wings that has tripped her trigger and since you were non committal she pulled the trigger and dumped you for him.

 

If it was the first thing then if you are still in contact with her you might want to explore your own feelings and pull the trigger and do a full commitment but you need to be all in and show her that.

If it was the latter then the new guy is already been put in place and you are out.. move on.

[John unconfused]

I appreciate the thoughtful comments!

[bummer]

I really want a committed relationship with her.

^good. Ask yourself why? Not for us, but convince yourself.

 

So off and on for 2 years. Do you love her? I think like Art_Critic that if you lay out your cards clearly- truly open up your feelings - and give this girl a small vision of your direction and a future, you have a small chance at turning her around.

 

That said,

 

1. You say she's worldly, but still trying to find herself. So she's flaky and slightly aimless at 30. What makes you think she's grown up enough herself for commitment? My worry is when something else comes up or she changes her mind, then poof! she'll run away. She's not committed relationship material maybe?

 

2. I see relationships without clear exclusivity and boundaries which start as a non-relationship FWB as doomed to follow that path to the end. You want to jump into the "all-in" category, but the entire premise and ground rules for a real relationship were never concrete. You bought an apple but now want an orange. You can call the apple an orange all day and convince yourself. But deep down, you're stuck with an apple unless you go back out and look specifically for an orange. Also your apple is a rebound.

 

Who left their previous relationship first and what was the timing like?

Edited September 12, 2017 by bummer

[John unconfused]

^good. Ask yourself why? Not for us, but convince yourself.

 

So off and on for 2 years. Do you love her? I think like Art_Critic that if you lay out your cards clearly- truly open up your feelings - and give this girl a small vision of your direction and a future, you have a small chance at turning her around.

 

That said,

 

1. You say she's worldly, but still trying to find herself. So she's flaky and slightly aimless at 30. What makes you think she's grown up enough herself for commitment? My worry is when something else comes up or she changes her mind, then poof! she'll run away. She's not committed relationship material maybe?

 

2. I see relationships without clear exclusivity and boundaries which start as a non-relationship FWB as doomed to follow that path to the end. You want to jump into the "all-in" category, but the entire premise and ground rules for a real relationship were never concrete. You bought an apple but now want an orange. You can call the apple an orange all day and convince yourself. But deep down, you're stuck with an apple unless you go back out and look specifically for an orange. Also your apple is a rebound.

 

Who left their previous relationship first and what was the timing like?

 

I do love her. We broke up about 7 weeks ago, I still feel the same.

 

She left hers about 6 months before we got together. I left mine about the same time, but neither of us knew until she popped up for a local job interview. I asked her out on the spot.

 

I guess laying the cards on the table is one way to go. At least I would know I'd done everything I could.

 

To be clear, is your advice to disregard her statement that there is "no hope for us"?

Edited September 14, 2017 by John unconfused

[John unconfused]

Bummer? Any response? I'm leaning strongly toward meeting her this weekend and laying it all out there.