I got dumped again.

[Protec]

Finally i got over my ex, took me almost a year. Then i met my old childhood crush because my pants ripped and she had her own shop where she fixes clothes.

 

Then i visited her couple times in her store, and then one time i decided to ask her out. During these few months i've seen her more and more...and during last 2 weeks i've spent more time at her place than my home.

 

I fell for her, once again but i was afraid to say it. She liked me a lot too.

Finally i found a person i feel good being with.

 

But then...we had this bowling night planned. She asked her friends to come (a couple) and some other friend. We had nice night, fun...i had fun, we kissed for the first time. We hugged and i was excited i had a new woman in my life! FINALLY!!

 

Then i took too much alcohol. We were leaving the bowling alley. Even day before i was bit grumpy and angry, but i thought it was safe for me to go out to have fun and drink.

 

NOPE.

 

Something triggered me and i entered into raging fury. Apparently i got jealous because she was holding the other guy (her friend) so close and

she tried to grab my arm too, but i did not let her take my hand.

 

Then i kicked a light post and mailbox. I don't remember anything.

 

I f'cked up.

 

Ever since my ex dumped me, i've had terrible problems with my anger. I have trust issues towards other people. I've undergone thereapy for almost a year and i honestly started to feel better.

 

So i was bit afraid to fall in for her...i thought i was ready. I wasn't.

 

Here i am again. Depressed. I failed again. I WAS SO CLOSE having a wonderful woman in my life.

 

She doesn't want to give another chance. I understand that.

 

I hate my self. I was attracted to that same woman when i was 6 years old.

Now i am 33 and she was 37.

 

She liked me too, a lot she says and feels bad because she has to let me go.

I understand her decision.

 

I have no idea what i am supposed to do. I've been trying to get rid of alcohol for months but i always collapse back.

 

I need some proper testing. My anger has been problem for me my whole life. Ever since i was a little kid i had very explosive anger.

 

So alcohol alone is not the reason. Something triggers it and for some reason i completely lose control.

 

I am unable to eat. I cannot smile at all atm. I feel completely devastated and like i am the worst human in existence.

[Blanco]

Even if you've had anger issues your entire life, I don't know why you continue to downplay the negative impact alcohol has had on your life.

 

In your past threads, you've exhibited signs of at least some degree of alcohol dependency. Considering you deal with anger, feelings of despair, and have displayed a tendency to get violent, alcohol really shouldn't be part of your life, regardless whether or not you think it's a big deal.

[bluefeather]

I second Blanco's thoughts. Protec, I think it's a good thing that you can at least recognize what you did, but I strongly suggest you cut that drinking out for good. Ok, so you went to therapy. I'm assuming it was for anger issues? If that was the case, maybe it is time to either go back and/or also look into checking out a place that will help you stop drinking. I hope that you can take what happened as a harsh but valuable lesson and move on towards becoming a better version of yourself.

[DarrenB]

Have you considered rehabilitation at any point?

 

You're right, perhaps your consumption of alcohol might not be entirely the problem, more so another underlying problem... but if you're unable to come to terms with what that actually is, you're better off someone properly helping you. You've already gone through all the counselling malarkey so maybe you need something more than that.

 

I've been here long enough to see that you've had a variety of problems and predicaments in your life, so I sincerely suggest you take some time and research to get some proper help. Because let's face it, not to sound condescending or to ridicule you but you're unable to manage going through proper day to day life and activities on your own. That's my two cents.

[Protec]

I second Blanco's thoughts. Protec, I think it's a good thing that you can at least recognize what you did, but I strongly suggest you cut that drinking out for good. Ok, so you went to therapy. I'm assuming it was for anger issues? If that was the case, maybe it is time to either go back and/or also look into checking out a place that will help you stop drinking. I hope that you can take what happened as a harsh but valuable lesson and move on towards becoming a better version of yourself.

'

 

Yes, now it's the time to stop drinking completely. I have always been bullied in school, teased, picked on etc. and i admit my brain does function bit differently than "normal" people. I've heard it so many times.

 

I am not a bad person, but something causes me to go full rage mode when i get angry and alcohol does not help it.

 

when i was younger i got so angry at my friend when they picked on me i punched his eye black. And no, i did not drink a drop of alcohol when i was a kid.

 

sometimes i understand words wrong, i take something too literally even if it's just meant as a joke.

 

And now that i think of it, after kissing her, she said "you don't want to get involved with a woman like me".

 

It was a joke. But i took it literally (i was drunk), so i got angry, for some reason i thought i was rejected. I WASN'T! She liked me too, and a lot.

 

Then i saw her grabbing arm of her male friend so in my brain it went like this.

 

-I kissed her, "she must like me"

-"Don't get involved with me", I got rejected, but she just kissed me?! Confused ->

-See her grabbing other mans arm before mine -> Get jealous

 

That's about it. And before that i felt like an outsider so in my brain there is "They don't talk with you - They must not like you then"

 

This is important. I need to write this down on paper and take it to my therapist.

 

I have started to think that maybe i may have, some sort of Asperger? maybe. There is some similarities in me. Like i avoid eye contact with people i don't know well etc. It takes a rare person that i look directly into eye.

 

It just feels there is too much "data" coming in, so usually i look somwhere else but concentrate fully on their voice.

 

I just want to find out what the hell is wrong with me. I am not stupid. I am not evil. I am very kind person but for some reason i always ruin things.

 

1 more hour and i would have had a new GF... :/

 

And she really treated me well. She was my childhood friend and we got attracted to each other.

 

But she said it's 1 mistake and it's over. I understand her decision.

 

This is huge thing for me...i am unable to eat and sleep. And you know what the funny part is? I was so darn depressed yesterday i decided "what the hell, i go to the local casino". Well not casino, but a place with lots of coin-slots.

 

And you know what?

 

I WON 1000 EUROS!

 

It was like a giant laugh from "god" or something directly at my face.

I lost important person in my life and NOW i win?

 

I would gladly give the 1000e back if i could get her back in my life.

[Protec]

Even if you've had anger issues your entire life, I don't know why you continue to downplay the negative impact alcohol has had on your life.

 

In your past threads, you've exhibited signs of at least some degree of alcohol dependency. Considering you deal with anger, feelings of despair, and have displayed a tendency to get violent, alcohol really shouldn't be part of your life, regardless whether or not you think it's a big deal.

 

I've fought against my anger my whole life. I remember doing a logo "RAGE" when i was 15 years old.

 

I admit i have a problem, and i admit i cannot control it. I finally got over my ex actually. I took me almost a year. And i actually saw my ex last week, but it did not affect me anyway anymore. I was happy i had new woman in my life and finally i got over my ex and then i blow it all up.

 

I really need to find an answer WHY. Why i am violent? Why do i get so angry? Why do i want to hurt people i care about?

 

I am usually the kindest person you can possibly know. even my therapist said "i can't really imagine you going so angry". But i become a demon or something. It's completely opposite "personality" that takes over me.. it lasts for few minutes, maybe just even seconds. And then i snap out of it and realize something bad has happened and i go into a shock.

 

It scares the hell out of me.

 

I have no excuse for it. Last saturday i had the chance NOT TO DRINK. But i had so much fun with her and her friends. I never could've thought something like that could happen.

 

This is really serious now. Again, i lost a relationship with person i deeply care about. because of my anger and alcoholism.

 

What i have noticed that ever since the breakup with my ex, i have started to show my anger even more openly. So it has gone even worse.

 

I got banned on a website because once i was drunk at home, and i wrote some angry stuff there and called people names.

 

Scary thing about when i get angry is : Everyone becomes my enemies.

 

Every single person on earth is my enemy for a moment. My sister, father, ex-gf, friends...unknown people.

 

This is going to be a bumpy road. But what i am happy about is no one got hurt psysically.

 

And it is better it happened now than after few months etc. It's better that my RS with her ended now.

 

I am very sad about it, so is she. I understand that she does not want to give me another chance, she has bad experiences about men that become aggressive while drunk.

 

Too bad...she really was a nice person. I even met her mother, and we were supposed to visit my sister last sunday. We even had planned a trip together at xmas...

 

I've f'd up enough in my life. Now it's really time to stop and think.

I was seriously doing better. The therapy has helped and has recovered some of my lost self esteem. I was afraid of falling for her, but i thought "i feel so much better, i have not gotten angry in ages and i feel better about myself..."

 

I was wrong.