Out of the blue breakup with boyfriend of 1.5 years

[Lostlittleme]

Hey, I'm new to Loveshack, but not new to the whole heartbreak thing unfortunately. My last breakup was 5 days ago, and I guess I joined here to try and ease the pain a little.

 

Up until Friday morning just past, I literally had the perfect relationship. I met my boyfriend a year and a half ago, 3 years after my marriage ended (which was my first and most traumatic breakup) and he was everything. I wasn't even looking for a new relationship when I met him on a night out. The one thing that put me off at first was the age gap, he was 21 and I was 28. I've never ever dated younger, but after chatting and laughing with him for a whole evening, it just felt so right. He was such an old soul for his 21 years, and extremely mature. He was more respectful of me than any man I'd met recently that was my age or older. He didn't just want sex, he wanted to get to know me as a person and I found that very appealing! It took a good few dates before he even tried anything, and I really did feel valued as a human. Any way. The whole time we've been together, he's been nothing but sweet, attentive and caring. I have two children who he was amazing with, and slowly built a very strong relationship and bond with them over time. Right up until the point of the break up he was arranging family trips and spending plenty of time with the three of us off his own back. I never pushed him to be a father figure or anything, I knew that wasn't his job or responsibility! But it was nice that he wanted to do it all the same.

 

We never had fights, we never screamed at eachother. We worked through stupid (and very rare) arguments and always came out that little bit stronger on the other side. He constantly told me how much he loved me, was extremely tactile, bringing me in for hugs and being grabby as I walked by. He sang sweet song to me whilst cuddling close of a night time before falling asleep. Not a single bit of that changed, right up until Friday morning.

 

He told me we needed to talk as I was making breakfast (after the usual morning hugs and 'I love yous'), so I sat down. He explained to me that he thought we were heading in different directions in life, and wanted different things. He sobbed like a baby the whole way through. I was shocked...literally couldn't process the words he was saying. How was it possibly that he was talking about our perfect relationship? He kept saying he didn't know what he wanted, and needed to go back to his mum's house. So he left, and I didn't speak a word to him until Saturday morning. None of it felt real, I was sure he was going to come back and now tell me he was just having a moment. I text him first Saturday morning to ask what he was doing, and if it was over. He again told me that he was unsure of our relationship, and thought it was for the best to end it. He kept calling me 'baby' the whole way through whilst texting. Force of habit I guess. He finished up by saying that he'd leave me alone so he could try to sort out 'the mess' he'd made of everything. I wasn't sure how to take that as it seemed like he was implying that he might of made the wrong choice, even though he was so certain of it being over. It doesn't feel like he thought his decision through at all to me. Any way I left him alone once he said that, and just spent the whole of Saturday crying inconsolably. Come Sunday we text a few time to sort him picking up his stuff from my house. He came over to do it that very day, no hesitation. I asked if I could have 5 minutes of his time so he could explain to me what's happened in his head, and he agreed. So I show up, he opens the door and starts sobbing again. He asked me for a hug straight away, which I turned down because it was too hard. We go to the kitchen and I ask him how long he has felt this way for. He said 'about a month or so'. So I ask if it's something I'd done, he says no and seems sincere. Same thing when I ask if it's something he's done, or if he met someone else. He's not a very good liar, and I really don't think he would of had the time to meet up with someone behind my back (potential for online cheating though I guess as we don't check each others phones/facebooks etc). He met a new friend about 2 months ago who's been spending more and more time with. This man is in his 40s with a string of women on the go, goes out drinking every night even though he doesn't have a job (accept selling a bit of weed) and he's been asking my ex to go out with him more and more lately. My ex seems to really like and look up to this man, and I have no idea why. I can imagine he's the type of man who likes his buddies to be single so they can go drinking and picking up girls with him. The one and only time I met him, he kept calling me by the wrong name no matter how much I told him my actual name. So anyway, I asked if things had changed for him since meeting this new friend, and he looked very sheepish, and although he denied it, I knew instantly it was something to do with him. I then get that one line everyone dreads: 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. The whole time we're talking his crying inconsolably, and keeps saying 'I've f'ed everything up'. I hadn't shed a tear at this point, but he was a real mess. I thanked him for telling me what I needed to hear, and told him I was going to say my goodbyes, as after everything was sorted with getting his stuff I'd be cutting contact. He asked me for several more hugs during the conversation, which I eventually obliged to because I just wanted to feel him hold me too, and he clung to me for so long each time, refusing to let go when I eventually tried to pull away. I ended up being the one consoling him and telling him he'd be fine as it's what he wants! I left him sobbing on my kitchen floor in a heap.

 

Monday, he text me to tell me everything was gone apart from a few larger items. He also told me that our pet rats were fine after the move, after we both agreed for him to take them. I was polite but short in my replies, and he finished the conversation by saying 'have a great day my friend!' Which hurt. I'm not ready to be his friend yet when only a few days ago he's singing 'you are my sunshine' to me as I fall asleep. We haven't had much contact since then, just a couple of texts initiated by me to tie up some loose ends. Now it's all done, and today will be the first day of no contact for me. I saw on his Facebook before I removed him that he'll be looking at 3 different places to live today, not even a week after the breakup and he's looking at new homes. It hurt to see him moving on so swiftly when I can't even eat.

 

So the thing is, I know this is over. Even if he does end up having any doubts, he's moved out and I've told my kids. I don't think he'd ever feel like he could come back after all is said and done. I have absolutely no intention of contacting him and have asked him to do the same (I doubt he would any way, he seems pretty set in his decision). I just need some ideas on what makes people switch so suddenly! How was he able to act so in love and happy for a whole month? How can people fake that so well? I absolutely didn't see this breakup coming, and I'm still in shock. How did anyone else in this situation deal with this and move past losing the love of their life so fast and brutally? I'm so lost at the moment with two heart broken children. I need some reassurance that I'll be ok and I'll some how over come this. I'm going away on Friday to a festival that I planned with him. He sold his ticket and will be staying here. I feel so sick at the thought of him not being there, we had an amazing time last year! But I know I need to go, other wise I'll be home all week on my own (kids are with their dad) just wallowing in sadness.

 

Can anyone shed some light on this behaviour? And support for starting NC today would also be very much appreciated. Thank you for reading this guys, it means a lot x

[ZayKayWill]

I am so sorry for your loss. This does all seem a bit random. It sounds to me like maybe he was going out with this guy and eventually just met someone he felt was more compatible or something? Eh, I gotta say, though, I'm really happy for you that it didn't end too badly. Just read some of the stories on here and you'll see what I mean...

 

I'm not really sure what to say honestly. He's still young, so maybe he is still in his 'exploratory' phase. Still wanting to test the waters of all the potential fish in the sea so to speak. Is he in college? He's probably just not at the age where he's totally ready to settle down yet. Pretty common for young people. They get into a relationship and after a while just kind of realize they want something a little more or just something different. It doesn't sound to me like he gave you a solid or legitimate reason for why he was leaving you essentially? If you want to know exactly how and why he did what he did, well...the only thing you can do is ask him personally. If it's really bugging you that much, I say go ahead and ask him so you don't have it lingering in your mind forever, and from there, go NC. Good luck. Keep us updated.

[d0nnivain]

You moved this young guy in with your kids?

 

At 21 he probably felt trapped into a more serious relationship then he could handle & fatherhood. He probably held it together as long as he could because he cared about you all the while he was freaking out inside about the responsibility & the level of commitment. Eventually the dam burst & the incoherent mess that you witnessed as your break up came tumbling out.

 

This new 40 year old friend may have been buzzing in his ear about freedom & not settling down but your EX is an adult. He didn't have to listen.

 

As much as it sucks to get blindsided (I've been there), from his perspective this was less sudden then it appeared.

[Lostlittleme]

Thank you Zaykay, I don't feel like I worded what I wanted to say pretty well but you git it straight away! It's just the way he broke up that have devistated me, not his reasons. Obviously his age is a big factor (even after a year and a half of acting like it wasnt) and it just hit me hard when I thought we were happy. I don't feel badly towards him and I respect him doing what he needs to do for himself, I'm just sad because I love him and wasn't ready for it to end. He wasn't a dad to my kids, they have their dad and it's a role I would never LET a boyfriend take on, never mind expect! He was just their friend and he seemed to like doing things with us. He had his own life and his own freedom, I never stopped him from being a typical 23 year old (like I know a lot of people will probably presume I did). But he obviously has his reasons. I don't think I want to hear them after all. No contact is the only way now! Just hope it gets easier soon coz I miss him so much xx

[Lostlittleme]

No d0nnivain he didn't really live with us, he just ended up spending a lot of time here eventually through convenience. The kids had known him and hung around with him a lot before they ever saw him stay. It just kind of ended up that way without a real discussion. Silly maybe, but this man really made me and my kids feel loved and wanted so I didn't see the harm all this time after. Naive of me really, but he had me convinced. As I said earlier I didn't 'trap' him into anything, he had his own life and his own hobbies/freedom yet still found plenty of time for me. I never let him be a step father, my kids have a dad who they have regular contact with so that never happened. I never asked him to do a single thing for any of us, he just seemed to want to. But I guess people change their minds. I was just hurt at how out of the blue it was for me, but you're right he obviously saw this coming and had that advantage

[divegrl]

Hi my friend!

 

First off I'm so sorry your going thru this. It must be really difficult for you.

 

I've read your thread and I think this situation is very common among younger men with older single moms. (At lest this is the same scenario that has happened to me and a couple of friends!)

 

I think these men see an attractive woman and want to come in as the knight in shining armor. He really does care for you and loves you. At some point I think reality sets in and and he thinks, omg I'm not ready for a family.

 

I know you feel lost, but you will get thru this. Focus on your kids, friends. Try to have a good time at the festival.

 

Hugs my friend. You are not alone.

[Lostlittleme]

Thank you divegrl! It's nice to hear from somebody who's seen this kind of thing for themselves. I do think he felt like he could live up to it, but eventually felt he couldn't.

 

I honestly have no bad feelings towards him, he treated me well and tried to end things in a kind way (as much as it hurts). I will always respect people's right to be happy, and if he wasn't happy here with us any more, I'm glad he did it now instead of another 1.5 years down the line. It just hurt so much because I wasn't expecting it at all, he told me he was happy, acted like he was happy, so why would I think anything otherwise? He persued me hard and told me frequently how much he loved us. Even after the break up, he posted a huge status update about how heartbroken he was and how me and the kids had changed him for the better. It was hard to read, because to those who didn't know the situation, it almost sounded like I broke up with HIM! But he sounds very confused right now so hopefully NC will heal us both so we can move on with our lives and stop feeling so heartbroken (for very different reasons obviously - still unsure on his reasons to be perfectly honest).

 

I'm dreading the trip away without him, but I know it'll help me get past this awful stage in my life. I love him and am thankful for all the love he shared and the lessons he taught me!

 

Thank you for your kind words. I guess they're exactly what I needed to hear xx